To ask how you’d react if you found out your OH was once a sperm donor?

[HaleyJamesScott]

How would you feel if you found out your OH was a sperm donor at Uni? How about if some of his “children” found him after using Ancestry DNA and he thinks he wants relationships with them and their children?

They’re immune from legal claims. They’re not immune from the impact sites like ancestry may have on their lives. They may well have to deal with adult IVF babies contacting them or their families online or in person to find out more about them. They may well have to tell their spouse that they have fathered children through donation.

Baffled at a lot of the sympathy shown here for the “poor menz” who donated sperm innocently just to get a bit of beer money. Whereas the OP’s mum, the donors wife and the OP (the true innocent in all of this) are being vilified. Misogyny at its finest.

Regardless as to whether things were different back then, technology has advanced or whatever, these men willingly gave away their DNA for a bit of shrapnel. They knew full well the repercussions of this, they knew this could potentially result in biological children out there somewhere, but they did it anyway with very little thought or consideration.

I don’t have any sympathy for the donors in these situations.

I wouldn't be happy and it would misplace the children; the first born wouldn't be the firstborn anymore etc. Plus it could impact on inheritance maybe?

What about if you'd longed for a daughter and only had boys (or the other way round) and you found out your husband had two daughters already?

All sorts of nope.

When it comes to surrogacy or egg donation the women who enable others to have a child are deemed to be heroes or poor misguided and manipulated victims. The men who donate sperm are apparently inconsiderate arseholes who just did it for a bit of shrapnel without a second's thought. Silly.

Lots of men could have children they are unaware of by the way - a condom failure on a one night stand etc.

The men who donated 30 years ago are immune, that was the legal agreement they signed up to. Anonymous. No consequence donation.

And presumably the recipients of the donor sperm prior to 2005 knew and accepted that it was on the basis that the donor was and would remain anonymous?

The men were paid for fifteen minutes of their time - including the form filling. The women had to go through (at minimum) injections of fertility drugs risking

’moderate weight gain, mood changes, stomach pressure, headaches, allergic reaction, Ovarian Hyper-Stimulation Syndrome (OHSS) of the ovaries (5% chance in any cycle). In very rare cases, hyperstimulation could lead to enlarged ovaries and an increased susceptibility to develop blood clots necessitating hospitalization. In very rare cases it may also lead to the development of fluid in the abdomen or lungs, kidney failure, or stroke. In extremely rare cases, an enlarged hyperstimulated ovary will rupture. This may necessitate general anesthesia and major surgery, with all the inherited risks. Loss of one or both ovaries is possible. The risk of hyperstimulation is minimized if the follicles are aspirated as is planned to occur at the donor egg retrieval. The risk increases if, after taking the fertility medications to stimulate the ovaries, you choose not to undergo the egg retrieval. There also exists an unlikely possibility of a lasting effect on your pelvic organs, including pain, irregular menstrual function, or impairment of future fertility. Finally, an association between fertility drugs and ovarian cancer has been suggested but not proven.’

And then egg retrieval

’ - mild to moderate discomfort after the procedure. Potentially serious complications include bleeding, infection, and injury to the bowel or blood vessels. In extremely rare circumstances, surgery may be necessary to repair damage to internal organs or to control significant internal bleeding (i.e., hemorrhage). Anesthesia will be necessary for the egg retrieval. (The risks associated with anesthesia will be explained during a consultation with an anesthesiologist.) There may be additional risks of donating eggs, which at the present time have not yet been identified. Since it is theoretically possible that not all of the developed eggs will be recovered at the time of retrieval, there is a risk that you may become pregnant if you engage in unprotected intercourse during the egg donation cycle(s)’

I have every sympathy with the donor's wife, and family as well as the donor.

I have less with the OP's parents as they are among the people who do have legal and moral responsibility for the situation along with the medical professionals involved and politicians who legislated for the system as it was at the time.

Lots of men could have children they are unaware of by the way - a condom failure on a one night stand etc.

Possible but very different statistics to a sperm donation where the purpose is procreation. I think a family can deal with a child from a one night stand better than a donor child. After you know one successful pregnancy occurred, how many more are out there. Could these posters saying it would be nothing easily cope with 10 or 20 people making contact and wanting to establish a relationship. Highly unlikely your spouse no matter how active he was in his single days would have 20 children out there, the game changes with sperm donation.

I'd have no problem with my DH having been a sperm donor. I would not expect him to be in contact with any resultant child and I would definitely not welcome it. I think it is very odd behaviour on his part.

Of course it's more physically difficult to donate eggs or gestate a child for goodness sake (although when my friend did egg donation she said it was absolutely fine although she was prepared for side affects). The fact is though that women gave their genetic material or had the use of their bodies to help someone else - sometimes strangers have a baby. Often, although not in the UK, because they were paid to so. You can't assume all these women are victims or heroines and all men who donated did so carelessly without a thought for the consequences.

I find the dismissive attitudes towards breaching legal promises on this thread very disturbing.

I haven't made a legal promise to anyone nor am I obligated to hold up anyone else's promise.

Sparkle have a re-read if your posts and you'll see, pay attention to the dehumanising language you use

I just wouldn’t accept someone coming into my life if I didn’t want them in it

Well it wouldn't be about you would it

OP I’m sorry that you have been treated so harshly on here by some very unkind posters. I’m an adoptee and found my birth family through a home DNA kit. My birth mother rejected me (again) but I have developed a great relationship with my birth father. We have met several times now, although initially I didn’t think we would as his wife was rather concerned. However, we overcame that with time and I have met her too, my half siblings, my aunt, uncle and cousins. We are more like close friends than father-daughter though. We discussed inheritance early on and I’m happy that I won’t inherit anything from him, as I inherited from my adoptive parents. I have maternal half siblings too but sadly they don’t know of my existence for now. Good luck with developing a relationship with your biological father - take things slowly and hopefully his wife will come round

I’d be worried about any of the resulting children entering our lives. He wouldn’t have wanted to father them emotionally/physically/financially, just biologically for sperm donor purposes. So I would not be happy if any of the children or their mums made contact.

If DH had fathered a child (either accidentally and unknowingly or via sperm donation) of course I'd support him if he wanted a relationship with the child. You'd have to be a desperately insecure and quite frankly nasty person to object to that on the grounds that it somehow harms the "birth order" of your own children or because you worry it might affect their inheritance, how ridiculous.

@CripsSandwiches

But could you cope with multiple donor children making contact and wanting a relationship

A lot of people don't really think of sperm/eggs as potential human beings, only as cells which have potential. Many people hold the view that a fetus isn't a real person until it is born. Maybe lots of donors took s view that what they were giving away was potential life rather than actual life. Your biological father donated so that someone else could be a dad, not him.
Other people feel differently - that their sperm/eggs are their actual real children.

All we can really take from this is that to a hell of a lot of people, biology matters and when you donate or receive donations you don't know if the resulting person is going to be someone for whom biology is really important.

What I would say is tread carefully because this man seems to do quite a lot of things without consulting his nearest and dearest and that's not a good sign.
I can well understand why the wife is not best pleased. I can't see any spouse responding well to a total stranger effectively telling them that their opinion is not important and they have no right to object to you furthering this relationship if you and the donor both agree. I think most spouses (male or female) would object to that level of entitlement from a stranger.

But could you cope with multiple donor children making contact and wanting a relationship

Yes I could. My DH is a great dad and he would continue to be a great dad to our kids in this situation.

Meant to add that I think you might be inadvertently wandering into their marital issues, which aren't your fault but that you might get the fallout from.

You'd have to be a desperately insecure and quite frankly nasty person to object to that on the grounds that it somehow harms the "birth order" of your own children or because you worry it might affect their inheritance, how ridiculous.

Those feelings aren’t nasty or insecure. They’re actually very valid and perfectly normal emotions. Imagine going 8 years thinking your 8 year old is the oldest child in the family, to then get the bombshell your husband wants to have a relationship with a child he fathered through sperm donation 15 years ago. That would make a lot of people very sad.

And yes inheritance would be a worry too. Why shouldn’t it be?

Yes I could. My DH is a great dad and he would continue to be a great dad to our kids in this situation.

Even if 5 children came forward decades later and expected your/DH’s estate to be split equally between them and your own children?

More power to you then. I would not want 20 people causing upheaval in my life.

And yes inheritance would be a worry too. Why shouldn’t it be?

Because you get to choose who inherits your money.
Worrying about birth order over the feelings of the person who has come forward would be irrational. DH wouldn't have been a father to the child who came forward he experienced that for the first time with our child.

It's animal instinct to protect one's own. We are tribal by nature. I think this is at the root of lots of the step parent issues tbh - not everyone has the capacity to accept someone else's child and risk sharing resources (be that affection or money). It's not nice but there you go.
I wouldn't want anything to take my husband's attention from our own family. I could love and accept a pre existing child because they would already be part of our unit. But if a new one turned up I'd be less than thrilled

As has been stated before on this thread but clearly bears repeating for the people at the back - donor conceived children have no claim on the estate of their donors