To ask how you’d react if you found out your OH was once a sperm donor?

[HaleyJamesScott]

How would you feel if you found out your OH was a sperm donor at Uni? How about if some of his “children” found him after using Ancestry DNA and he thinks he wants relationships with them and their children?

I understand why you do feel rejected, but you should try not to - after all he did reach out. What he's saying now is that he has to balance that wish with the wishes of his family that he lives with. Not outright rejection.

She didn't choose to be in this situation.

No she didn't, nor did her husband and I have every sympathy with them. I find the dismissive attitudes towards breaching legal promises on this thread very disturbing. Too many people seem incapable of viewing things from the point of view of the world as it was at the time rather than imposing today's values.

@RealLifeHotWaterBottle

Your 09:50 post was well articulated.

It isn't news I'd be thrilled hear as a wife. I would express my view, but I wouldn't have an issue if my DH wanted a relationship with the adult child.

The only situation I would have a big issue with, is if the child was here as a result of infidelity. That would likely be the end of the marriage for me.

Like many things in life, nobody thought about the effect on the donor child. This is true of many things that happened years ago.

When we know better, we do better...that's life.

Well if my husband of 17 years and 5 children had a secret child that I didn't know about regardless of how they were conceived I would be shocked but I wouldn't want that child to feel rejected and would welcome them into our family as they are a lost part of it. I wouldn't look at the past I would just focus on the future.

It sounds a lot like the men who donated sperm at the time were totally unconcerned about the fact that they were helping to create a child and I really wouldn't want to be with someone who had such a careless attitude to human life.

If it was something they had done thoughtlessly at the time but then grew up and realised the full implications, I'd expect them to be honest with me about it (the same way I'm honest about not wanting to be a step-parent) and wouldn't want to be with someone who was just hoping they'd never get found out.

However, none of these things are actually about you OP, and your existence isn't the problem. I would want my DC to at least have the option of knowing their half-siblings. If I were the DC in this scenario I'd be furious if my parents kept a half-sibling secret from me.

this isn't an 8 year old with a mum trying to claim maintenance - then those laws would be applicable. this is an adult who may potentially form a relationship with their father and he may choose to include them in his will

This is what worried my ex and his mother when FIL's biological daughter contacted him. He donated in the '70s when it was anonymous - MIL knew this (and was proud he'd done something to help childless families) but also knew there was no way children could trace their donor. If she'd known DNA tests etc would make this possible, it would have been a deal breaker at the time. When his daughter got in touch, he'd just been diagnosed with terminal cancer , so there were a lot of emotions and worried all wrapped up in the situation. Her own father had recently died too, so MIL and my ex worried that she wanted him to be a replacement father in some way. They were both upset, but also felt horribly guilty for being upset about it. They'd both known FIL donated, so felt they didn't have a right to feel their lives were being affected now.

In the end FIL did meet his daughter and stayed in touch with her until he died. She has now met the extended family and they are all glad she got in contact. There are no ulterior motives on her part (she's far wealthier than FIL ever was!), she was just curious about her biological origins and unfortunately only discovered them during a very fraught, difficult period of his life. a year later and she would never have met him, so it's good that she got the answers she needed. It hasn't impacted on the family's daily life in any way, we just have a new relative who it turns out is lovely. It could have gone very differently though. FIL was a poor student when he donated and never gave it much thought beyond it helps people and they'll pay me a small amount to top up my grant. It is a terrible shame that better counselling wasn't given to help people understand the repercussions.

I find the dismissive attitudes towards breaching legal promises on this thread very disturbing.

No legal promises have been breached. The clinics who accepted donations have maintained confidentiality as promised. You cannot legally bind a child who hasn't even been conceived yet, so the children born via sperm donation have no legal (or, imo, moral) responsibility to maintain anonymity.

Thanks to a combination of the popularity of home DNA testing and DIY wills drawn up by people with no legal qualifications, I think we might start to see inheritance disputes involving donor conceived children soon enough. If you use a solicitor you'll generally be spoken to about the possibility of other children, whether you want to say children of the marriage, consider any possible future descendants etc but not if you download a template from somewhere.

@BoxedWine - no, inheritance disputes won't happen if donation has happened through a regulated route.

It could happen if people have bought sperm off the internet/got a donor through a Facebook group (idiots)

OP I never said my opinion was fact😂

What have I said that cruel? That I wouldn’t be happy and I’d give an ultimatum? That my own children would be more important to me, that I wouldn’t want you inserting yourself into my life and I wouldn’t care about you or how you felt? Oh well, if that makes me cruel then so be it.

Just because people don’t agree with you doesn’t make them wrong and I’m far from insecure. I just wouldn’t accept someone coming into my life if I didn’t want them in it.

I'm sorry you are feeling this way.

I have several friends and a close relative who have had their family this way, and in the last 20 years when these outcomes were more anticipated.

I can appreciate his wife feels blindsided, I would too, if I am really really honest with myself (even though I would prefer not to be, because I have seen the joy it brings) but I would not prevent him meeting you. That is where my empathy with her ends.

I am sending you big unmumsnetty hugs

OP imagine your biological dad is married to someone expressing Sparkle's point-of-view. Which she is free to express. As much as you want to know him, he has pre-existing commitments to his family and may see it won't work to integrate you. It could be more damaging to you for things to go further and he may not want to hurt you.

You cannot legally bind a child who hasn't even been conceived yet, so the children born via sperm donation have no legal (or, imo, moral) responsibility to maintain anonymity.

Nor can you demand a man who was promised anonymity take any interest in the child or demand his family take any interest. He has the legal right to say 'get lost' and others need to accept that not wail about how he didn't consider the impact on a child that may or may not have resulted from his long ago donation, quite likely made as a teenager.

He is under no legal or moral obligation to any child who resulted from his anonymous decision. Nor is his wife or family.

@4amWitchingHour
Disputes can happen if the father feels compelled to include donor children in his will and his family disagree. He is under no obligation to, and I doubt many donor children are looking to "steal" anyone's inheritance but a donor could include them like he would a friend, if he feels their relationship warrants it. I wouldn't contest anyone's will to be clear

’He has the legal right to say 'get lost'’

Of course. No one has to have contact with or a relationship with another adult if they don’t want to.

’others need to accept that not wail about how he didn't consider the impact on a child that may or may not have resulted from his long ago donation, quite likely made as a teenager.’

We’re not immune from the consequences of decisions we made as 18 year olds. Just because someone didn’t think through the potential consequences doesn’t mean they get to avoid them.

@Sparkle567 I'm not the OP but yes the things you've said were cruel and completely lacking in empathy. You have every right to be nasty and cruel but you should at least own it.

I dont see how we can be so certain there wont be inheritance disputes, and I think there may be calls to change the law too.

Not in OP's case, but I agree, inheritance will be sought by some. It will be a "no win, no fee" type legal situation with people knowing their parents through DNA tests popping up with a solicitor when older parents are vulnerable or just after death.

@ALLMYSmellySocks - Iv already said if my view/opinion makes me cruel then so be it. Iv owned it already.

I would never discourage my husband to build a relationship if that is what he wanted to do. We would have to navigate the situation as best we can.

I can't see me ending my marriage over it. My marriage is too important to me and although it might be a very bumpy ride, if he wanted to build a relationship with his donor conceived child I would support him.

I can't see me ever making him choose between me and his child, no matter how that child was conceived. They would be no threat to me, or our children. I know it would be difficult at times for everyone involved, but as a family I would like to think that we would come together and support each other through it.

I think inheritance claims will be inevitable.

We’re not immune from the consequences of decisions we made as 18 year olds.

The men who donated 30 years ago are immune, that was the legal agreement they signed up to. Anonymous. No consequence donation.

Posters here are suggesting there may be a push for inheritance. One could also foresee circumstances where there is pressure to donate kidneys for example. That is why it is vital to accept these men are absolutely immune from all moral and legal obligations. They signed up to immunity. They would very likely not have donated without it.

*What have I said that cruel? That I wouldn’t be happy and I’d give an ultimatum? That my own children would be more important to me, that I wouldn’t want you inserting yourself into my life and I wouldn’t care about you or how you felt? Oh well, if that makes me cruel then so be it.

Just because people don’t agree with you doesn’t make them wrong and I’m far from insecure. I just wouldn’t accept someone coming into my life if I didn’t want them in it.*

@Sparkle567, how would you react if your children found out about their half-sibling and wanted to meet them?

Bold fail, sorry.

There won’t be any claims on inheritance. The donor may meet their biological child and choose to leave money to them but the child has no automatic claim on their estate.

*’If you donate sperm through a Human Fertilisation and Embryology Authority (HFEA) licensed clinic, you will not:

be the legal parent of any child born
have any legal obligation to any child born
have any rights over how the child will be brought up
be asked to support the child financially
be named on the birth certificate’*

www.gov.uk/legal-rights-for-egg-and-sperm-donors

Private donations organised between friends or online could leave people open to claims.