To ask how you’d react if you found out your OH was once a sperm donor?

[HaleyJamesScott]

How would you feel if you found out your OH was a sperm donor at Uni? How about if some of his “children” found him after using Ancestry DNA and he thinks he wants relationships with them and their children?

Sperm donation in the past was (mostly) done for the money with little or no thought given to the potential children conceived as a result. It never gave thought to how they might feel as adults.

For what it’s worth I’ve always thought that IVF babies are the most wanted of children. How many of us conceived the old school way can say we were the result of such a deliberate want and need to create a baby?

anonymous donation hasn't been allowed since the early 90's

It must have been the mid 90s based on when I was at university.

I agree that some posters are being very insensitive and making nasty comments to the OP.

I won't name the ringleader, but she knows who she is.

There have been a lot of interesting comments on here, but it really highlights that people wanting a child, are not thinking about the future impact on their DC of being a donor child.

They are solely focussed on their desire to be a parent at all costs.

I was watching Long lost family USA recently and two siblings had been told they were donor brother and sister from the same donor.

Through ancestry DNA and research, they discovered this was not the case.

One donor dad was very keen to meet his DD... the other didn't want contact. The whole thing was very sad.

No one forced men to donate sperm. They chose to do so. Many men chose not to do so because of the thought of having biological children out there that they would never know existed. Future consequences can’t all be predicted.

Some absolutely vile comments on this thread.

I hope it all works out for you OP, and your little one is ok

Then the marriage can end and they can go their separate ways. I have said this!

I think you are being dim, YOU contacted HIS family!!! It doesn’t matter it wasn’t him direct for god sake! YOU contacted his sister, inserting yourself into his life first!

And seeing as you asked you're disgusting because you're dehumanising individuals who haven't been conceived in traditional ways and think the feelings of an insecure wife come first. Like I say, sorry your own marriage is so obviously insecure

Oh well. Il get over it. Plenty of others on this thread have said they wouldn’t be happy either. Still feel sorry for the wife in this situation👌🏻

Sparkle567 There are a great many people who can speak the truth without being rude, cruel or demeaning. Its obviously not a skill you have, or one you recognize in others.

Lots of people on this thread were able to articulate why they wouldnt be happy and that's fine, its the nature of opinion boards. Only a select few acted like utter pigs.

Sorry I didn’t sugar coat it for the OP.

Nomorelaundry

Rights aren't law. Every donor has ever right to close the door and have no contact.

The ones responsible for any fall out are the people who created the child for their own wants.

Exactly!

Sparkle567 one day you'll hopefully figure out how to be honest without sugar coating or being unnecessarily nasty.

I'd be happy he did that for someone and move on.

Again not sure if you're being obtuse or just dim - he made the first contact with me.

You initiated contact via his sister, you have said as much.

RealLifeHotWaterBottle - I dont actually think Iv been nasty. Just honest and truthful.

Plenty of others on this thread have said they wouldn’t be happy either.

Plenty of others have also said that they'd be proud of their DH for doing the right thing. So embarrassed for you that you have an affliction that makes you think your opinion is fact. Weird that you take pride in being cruel. Weird that you'd be threatened by a random person wanting to know some medical information. Speaks volumes about you TBH. Are you one of those women who sees you poor husband as just "yours"?

Also people who are vile and say i'M OnlY bEInG HoNEsT are the worst kind of twats.

Some odd assumptions on here BTW. He has reached out and said he wants a relationship not just to give me medical info = he's just saying that and wants nothing to do with me 😂 some of you have very dim views of men

This thread is why potential parents and donors should be counselled more on the outcome and the effect it may have on the child. The donor and his family may be receptive to donor children-which is great, or they may not be,- which they are perfectly entitled to feel. Depending on the child they may be completely fine and unbothered and others may really be affected, like OP said can you imagine the rejection one would feel if your biological father denied contact with you at his wife's request. The child conceived is a human being with rights, the donor and his family are also real people with their own feelings and beliefs. It is also scary because you are just one child but what if he discovers he has 10 or 20. He has set a precedent by having a relationship with you and introducing you to his family, and would do so for all the others that come along. That is incredibly overwhelming for his family who didn't make that decision. As a child in that situation I wouldn't be happy. 1 person fine, but thinking constantly there may be more out there, I have anxiety and might start to think any potential date or friend or stranger might be a sibling. Irrational but I focus on tiny possibilities and build them up in my mind and that's a real possibility for me.

I think the men who do donate especially now children having the right to the donor's last known contact information is to be honest with their spouses and partners. That way people with different-minded views and values can realise they are incompatible or go in with eyes wide open.

I think it's fair and valid to not be happy in this situation as noone chose it except the parents of the donor child and the donor. But their decisions dont exist in a vacuum they affect other people. I don't think it's fair to label a wife who isn't happy as insecure. Her feelings are perfectly valid and normal just like those who would be happy, proud or unbothered.

There’s an article on this very subject on the bbc news site this morning. In fact anonymity didn’t cease to be possible until 2005.

the point of my thread is not wether I should be important to the wife though. The whole point of my thread is that biological fathers should be able to make their own decisions without being delivered ultimatums/forced to choose by their wives. Anyone delivering an ultimatum like that quite frankly needs to get their head out their arse and realise the world doesn't revolve around them.

I can see that you find this argument very persuasive OP, but actually, partners get to have a view on whether more biological children they hadn't been told about and whose existence they didn't know was a possibility is a deal breaker and it's tough shit if they have a view you don't like.

Biological fathers can make their own decisions, the wives can also make their own decisions about how they want to respond to those choices. You're allowed to have an opinion on women who decide the biological father pursing a relationship is a deal breaker, but what you think is ultimately completely irrelevant.

Basically, everyone involved gets to make their own choices. Donor children can choose whether to get in touch or not, bio fathers can choose whether to pursue a relationship, their partners can choose whether this is a deal breaker or not. If you think you don't have any ethical obligation to do anything other than act in what you feel are your own best interests, the same is also true of the other people affected.

I'm sure it's a hard read for the op who is the innocent victim of infertility, society at the time and technological progress. There are no winners in all this.

You can feel sorry for the op, the donor and his wife and family. Everyone's feelings are equally valid.

And like all decisions when two people have opposing views, it needs to be discussed and rightly or wrongly one person's views will come out top. Who this is depends on the relationships involved.

Op, you need to respect their decision as a couple. It might not be the decision you want. It might not be fair. All I can say is don't take it personally. This isn't about you. You are all victims of the society at the time.

I hope they've given you the medical info you need and everything goes well with your child.

No one in this situtuation wins now, but your mum and dad were able to have you and for them that would be more than winning and for you - you exist and that is the greatest gift.

What dies your mum say about the situtuation and did she prepare you for this eventuality as you were growing up?

*Does

I think the men who do donate especially now children having the right to the donor's last known contact information is to be honest with their spouses and partners

I think that is absolutely the case for men who choose to donate now, knowing they will not be entitled to anonymity.

I do not think it is the case for men who donated 30 plus years ago and signed a legal contract specifying anonymity. I can fully understand why they might not have mentioned it to a spouse they may have met decades before comparing DNA online was a thing. Sperm donation was not seen as a big deal. The clinics used to advertise round universities on the basis of it not being a big deal, just a nice way to make a bit of cash never to be thought of again, totally anonymous, no one else will ever know.

Do you not see that if he actually really wanted to develop a relationship or meet up he would have done that despite the wife? His wife is more important to him, and rightly so. Id be more annoyed at my parents than some poor sods wife!!

The clinics used to advertise round universities on the basis of it not being a big deal, just a nice way to make a bit of cash never to be thought of again, totally anonymous, no one else will ever know.

Completely agree with this as I was saying earlier. Loads of the blokes did it when their grant ran out-there were posters all over the city-stuck on trees etc.

I do not think it is the case for men who donated 30 plus years ago and signed a legal contract specifying anonymity. I can fully understand why they might not have mentioned it to a spouse they may have met decades before comparing DNA online was a thing.

Of course that is understandable. But knowing that unfortunately doesn't change how someone feels. When anonymity was in play, knowing this didn't stop donor children feeling hard done by it and wanting to know their donor. So similarly knowing it was a different time doesn't change a woman feeling she should have known her spouse potentially had other children out there or make it her responsibility to get over those feelings. She didn't choose to be in this situation. Everyone in the situation is a victim of bad policies and the implications of gamete donation