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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Don't want to make donation to chosen charity

128 replies

Branches1 · 22/01/2020 11:40

AIBU - child has been invited to a birthday party and we have all been requested to donate to an organisation in lieu of bringing a present. The organisation in question enjoys strong support in some circles but is considered to be controversial by others. I personally would never chose to support this organisation so I would rather avoid making the requested donation.

The problem is that I don't feel like raising this with the mother of the birthday girl as it could easily turn into a political discussion, and I would rather avoid this as I don't know her very well. My child really wants to go to the party and I don't want to keep her from going over this, so not going doesn't feel like an option either. Turning up empty handed would also be wrong, and equally I don't feel good about disrespecting their wishes and turning up with a present instead.

I can't see any way around this. I'm going to have to make the donation, haven't I?

OP posts:
NoMorePoliticsPlease · 22/01/2020 11:41

No I dont think you do

Borris · 22/01/2020 11:42

Put cash in the card and then you’re not donating directly. It’s up to the mum what she does with it

Ninkanink · 22/01/2020 11:42

No you don’t need to make a donation.

Strawberrypancakes · 22/01/2020 11:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fairlygoodmother · 22/01/2020 11:42

Just give the birthday child some money in a card, then they can donate it themselves if they want to.

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/01/2020 11:43

Tenner in an envelope.

Or give the child a gift voucher?

DramaAlpaca · 22/01/2020 11:44

Cash in the card is what I'd do.

formerbabe · 22/01/2020 11:45

Would they even know if you've made the donation?

I'd still take a box of sweets or a book for the birthday child

Bezalelle · 22/01/2020 11:45

Just don't make a donation.

For our wedding, we had an option to donate to a charity of our choice as a gift. Not everyone did. No big deal. Some people's concerns lie elsewhere.

Brazi103 · 22/01/2020 11:46

You're making a bigger issue than it has to be. You dont agree with it, but your daughters friends party isnt the place to prove a point. I would just pay it. I think giving the mum cash is pointless, as it's going to the same place. Or you might just be creating additional work for her.

HolyMilkBoobiesBatman · 22/01/2020 11:46

I don’t think you should donate to an organisation you don’t agree with.
Equally I can understand why you wouldn’t want to turn up ‘empty handed’ but I think that by asking for a donation to charity the parents are really asking for no gifts but acknowledging that some people would feel wrong about not getting anything so offering an alternative helps ensure there won’t be lots of parents ignoring their request iyswim.

How would the organiser know you’ve donated? How old are the children? Could you not just donate to some charity you agree with and just tell the parents a ‘£5 donation has been made’ but not disclose where? Or invite the child out to lunch in the coming weeks and pay for their meal so your conscience is clear?

slipperywhensparticus · 22/01/2020 11:47

Oxfam goat?

domesticslattern · 22/01/2020 11:48

Tbh, I would lie in this case and write in the card that you have been very happy to donate a tenner (or whatever) directly to the charity. If questioned (unlikely), it was "for tax reasons"- "more efficient than a tenner in a card", or simply that you misunderstood how she wanted to collect the cash.
Then donate equivalent sum to nearest type of charity you feel able to support.
Everyone happy and no sticky conversations.
Wink

Yika · 22/01/2020 11:49

No obligation. Either give an alternative (but this will draw attention to your non-donation) or give nothing. I don't think it matters a huge deal. Don't not send your child because of this, or mention it to the inviter. If you feel bad, choose another charity related to children to give to.

FishCanFly · 22/01/2020 11:50

agree with PP. Card in cash. There are charities out there i properly dislike too.

Dontlikeoranges · 22/01/2020 11:51

Cash in a card. Job done. If by any chance it's (rudely) questioned just say something like you were waiting for a new bank card

Yika · 22/01/2020 11:51

PS I agree that the parents have only suggested the charity donation because they know that guests want to give something as per social convention. The point is, they do t want to receive stuff so as long as you respect that you are fine. Your child could offer a handmade gift if you like.

misspiggy19 · 22/01/2020 11:51

You're making a bigger issue than it has to be. You dont agree with it, but your daughters friends party isnt the place to prove a point. I would just pay it. I think giving the mum cash is pointless, as it's going to the same place.

^This. Just give money in a card

24hourshomeedderandcarer · 22/01/2020 11:52

i feel sorry for the poor bloody kid

not getting any presents cos parents have decided charities need them more,

i would be given a gift anyway and tell them you dont agree with the method and every child deserves a present at their party

SeaToSki · 22/01/2020 11:53

Make a donation to another charity that you like and that is dc appropriate... the wwf (except they changed their name) let you sponsor an animal and send you a cars with a picture of it... for example

Then give a card with a note that you have made a donation in birthday childs name to x charity.

BuzzShitbagBobbly · 22/01/2020 11:57

What about something vague along the lines of

"online donation made to charity and maximised with gift aid"

Don't specify what charity but add the gift aid bit on as a distraction!

Mintjulia · 22/01/2020 12:01

No, I don’t think you do. I’d make a donation in the spirit of the party by giving the same amount to Childline or MacMillan or whatever. Everyone at the party has children, most people in the UK have a family member affected by cancer.
Personally I think it’s a bit grim anyway. As a child I would have been gutted not to receive presents on my birthday.

HolyMilkBoobiesBatman · 22/01/2020 12:03

i would be given a gift anyway and tell them you dont agree with the method and every child deserves a present at their party

Oof good luck with that one! Sure the sentiment of ‘every child deserves’ is nice, but you have no idea WHY the parents are asking for this.
My child for example has 12 family ‘units’ (Aunts, Uncles, grandparents and great grandparents) who all buy gifts. That’s 12 separate gifts already (sometimes more because some people will buy a couple of things) not even including gifts from us.
I haven’t entered the world of children’s parties/whole class parties yet as mine are still small so don’t know what I’ll do when the time comes, but I can totally see why parents might not want to add another 15 gifts or so into the mix!

PineappleDanish · 22/01/2020 12:07

So don't. Just send a card and save the money for a charity you feel more worthwhile.

TheOrigRightsofwomen · 22/01/2020 12:15

Your OP says they have 'requested', so it's just that - a request, not an order.

I do wonder whether the birthday child really wants this.

It would seem really odd for me to say to DS 'Oh we're not getting Arthur a present, he'd rather the money went to a charity'. Seems really unlikely.

We need to teach our children about giving and being humble and all that, but why choose their Birthday to do it.

Please tell us what the charity is!