MIL Boundaries - She went in the bedroom

[GYNisaliarWTF]

Long one but aren’t they all.
We recently bought and moved into our home (house renovated brand new), it’s round the corner from MIL & she didn’t visit at all at prev address (not too far).

I am pregnant, and very unreasonable 90% of the time hence being here.

We moved in during Xmas break. People have been round unannounced nearly every day since. I am not used to this AT ALL as ‘my people’ have respect for boundaries and prior- warning that they are coming.

This has resulted in MIL finding me asleep on the sofa on two occasions (I’m a sleepy pregnant lady and it was my day off) and has both times made me feel like I shouldn’t be sleeping in the afternoon (disclaimer- I work full time in an office for local government all year including Xmas except bank hols and also run a busy hair and beauty business both home and mobile so most weeks I do 13 hours a day/ 6 days a week) so I think I’ll be forgiven for a nap on my day off.

AIBU
Yesterday she came round when I wasn’t home, she doesn’t usually have a key but is regularly here when I’m not (DP doesn’t mind her being here all the time). She was here all day.
I had preempted that she would clean my house, so on Sunday I cleaned all the way through downstairs. We’d already agreed months ago that both she and my own mother weren’t to have a key as I’d be uncomfortable with them doing washing or cleaning whilst I was out (Id have a cleaner and I’m more than capable of sorting my own washing) she agreed that she too would be annoyed if someone cleaned her house while she was out

I came that came home to find she has cleaned my (already very clean) downstairs toilet, which stunk of bleach (which made me sick) and furthermore had proceeded to clean my (already clean) kitchen, re-arrange my cupboards, move my decorate items around into different places in the windows (giving the impression she didn’t like how I’d done them, or thought I’d done them wrong). She also bought a new window cleaning tool and TEN LIGHT BULBS and left the bill on the living room side after proceeding to change ALL my lightbulbs in my lounge making it now only slightly resemble blackpoolfuckingilluminations. (They are the same specification LED that I use in my beauty lamps for make up application). She obviously thinks my nearly brand new windows and toilets are dirty, so has kitted me out as if she’s doing me a favour (when in reality I’m really just busy, and haven’t got around to unboxing all the cleaning equipment from my previous home yet)

worst of all
When I went upstairs in the evening, I noticed she hadn’t cleaned the upstairs bathroom and was relieved, there’s no need for her to be upstairs; we have a downstairs loo as aforementioned. I took a shower and when I entered my bedroom, my bed is made and window is open. I asked DP if he had done this (I was livid as bedroom minus 2 at this point and I’m soaking wet from shower) he had not. So she’s been in my bedroom, decided the bed needed making and the place needed ‘airing out’. Not only that but she’s not done anything else upstairs, so looks as if she’s gone upstairs and gone straight to our bedroom to do this. Very annoying.

I’m beyond insulted but I daren’t approach it with her. We usually have a great relationship but since having this house she is ignoring my wishes to fulfill her need to fill her nest again, but I’m a fully grown woman who has no requirement for her interference on this level. DP has had to ‘have a word’ with her previously as she bought kitchen items which id already bought.

Advice on how to approach please, I don’t want to hurt her feelings; but she will be really hurt that we’ve got these boundaries in place regardless, as I genuinely don’t think she would think that my bedroom is a no- go- zone.
She cried when I told her I’d already bought a kettle, despite assuring me she’d be happy to take the one she’d bought back to the shop.

I don’t want to burn any bridges but I also want to feel like this is my space, and that I can make it my own home (v difficult for me- new town, no family or friends of my own here, recently discovered pregnant following GYN telling me it wouldn’t ever happen)

Please be kind, although I’m furious about my personal space invasion I do want to keep my relationship with her as she’s an actual angel of a human (but has no boundaries).

I now have to fix his mess because my issue isn’t her coming round my issue is her crossing a line.

I wouldn't worry too much, he has your back and it is his Mum so he'll know how to deal with her. Next time you see her never mention it, just be normal and friendly. I too have a lovely MIL that doesn't respect boundaries. When DD1 was tiny she walked into our bedroom in the morning when I was naked and BFing DD1. Rather than apologise and leave she stood and chatted for 10 minutes. Argh! DH deals with her and now the DC are older and I'm not so hormonal I can laugh at the intrusions a bit more.

I now have to fix his mess because my issue isn’t her coming round my issue is her crossing a line.

Personally I would leave it. He has spoken to her, and hopefully she will take things on board. He is her son and she will get over being 'bollocked' by him. Not so if you get involved.

Option 1. Change the locks don't give her a new key. Effective but a bit of a cop out and she'll get s copy of the key eventually and then you are back to square one. Option 2. Thank her for her efforts but explain that she's actually created more work as you now have to change all the lights back and move the kitchen back to the way you had it so to please check first in future and return the lightbulbs to her. I would advocate option 2 and actually speak to her myself. Say you accept she is just being nice but that you do not want anyone moving anything in your house or cleaning etc without checking first. Ask for the key back. You need to draw a line in the sand. This will only get worse once baby arrives and actually then you may not mind the odd bit of cleaning.

I'm really gobsmacked at the intrusion. And she has not got a broken heart. But your dh has done well being the bad cop, now you get to be good cop. Brazen it out... 'we thought you must be having a moment when you went in our bedroom ha ha, lucky my good underwear wasnt out. Darling what were you thinking?'

I would leave it at what your DH has said honestly - let the dust settle and enjoy the space.

My FIL was incredibly overbearing and would let himself in at any point to be waited on if I were home. It took until I was 7 months pregnant to decide FUCK THIS SHIT and start walking around in my underwear. We had previously had conversations about boundaries which hadn't worked so I had to scare him off. You can't live your life on edge in case someone decides to pop over unannounced!

I think with a baby on the way you need to reinstate boundaries very clearly; obviously you can be nice about it and she may get upset but that’s her issue and not yours. I think if you let these things go then when your baby comes things are going to go too far and when there’s lots of emotions it can then result in arguments etc.

If you usually get well with her can't you just say: I really appreciate you trying to help when you were in my house the other day but please don't do it again. I am pregnant and sensitive and it makes me feel very uncomfortable and unhappy to have someone clean and rearranging my home.
I don't want to have an awkward relationship with you so thank you for your help. But please give me back the key for now and dont do that again."

She cried when I told her I’d already bought a kettle, despite assuring me she’d be happy to take the one she’d bought back to the shop.

There is no way for you not to hurt this woman's feelings and in any way ever enforce any boundary of any kind.

I think you really need to accept the fact that someone who will cry because you have already bought yourself a kettle isn't living fully in the real world. Decide what is really important to you and put your foot down about it calmly and nicely, but firmly. She will be hurt about it but if you put your foot down calmly and nicely before it becomes so overwhelming you explode at her you will maintain the best relationship you can.

Personally I'd leave things as they are and not undermine your DH's poor but well-intentioned comments. It is better to have had harsh words from which you can relax the boundaries a little to suit you, rather than the current situation of her emotions playing on you to the extent that your home is really not yours but an extension of hers. I suspect like many of us she needs to feel "wanted" but that doesn't excuse moving your things around so they are to her liking but leave no semblance of how you want you home to look.

You don’t need to fix anything.

She cried when you bought a kettle.
She’s rearranged your things.
She’s changed your bulbs to terrible ones and changed you for it.

It’s your house! You need to be able to relax in it, not feel like you are on show.

And I agree that your feelings are not to do with being pregnant and hormonal. Your feelings are normal.

It’s not because you’re pregnant - it’s because she has NO boundaries!!

Personally I’d leave it.

IF YOU want her to feel more welcome (I wouldn't personally or your Mat leave will be miserable!!) then just INVITE her around at the weekend. If she gets upset about what DP said & says no, just say you enjoy having visitors when it’s PRE ARRANGED.

You HAD agreed boundaries with her, but SHE just knowingly waltzed through them. Think about that before you feel too sorry for her

Your DH spoke to her.I would leave it.Otherwise you are going to have your MIL walking all over your bounderies again.She knows she can play you ff each other.

Back your DH up.

Ahh - sorry, missed the second page. Calmly but nicely seems to have been blown past! I wouldn't rush into trying to 'fix the mess' that your DP has made. Maybe start inviting her round a few times so she doesn't feel totally pushed out but don't give her license to just drop round all the time - although it wasn't your big complaint you weren't happy with it in your OP. It's okay for the boundaries to be drawn closer to where you're really happy with them being than where she's really happy with them.

Leave it don’t go round and ‘smooth things over’, her son has told her to stop it, she will listen. Unless you go round and tell it’s ok.

I’d just be normal with her when I next see her and not apologise or smooth anything over. She’s going to find it easier to forgive her son than she would you.

This will have solved the issue unless you overrule your DH & tell her he didn’t mean it.

I actually would politely return the lightbulbs and the bill right back to her. Who the fuck walks into someone’s house and changes the lightbulbs and demands money for them? She sounds unhinged.

Your partner and you need to be on the same page.

He can't ask her to sit in your house all day doing you a favour, and then tell her off for what she does in that time, really. Yes, she is still unreasonable but it was kind of inevitable this would happen. You already know she has no boundaries so why make it harder on yourselves by allowing her into your house like that?

My husband and I have vastly different ideas of boundaries since we come from totally different cultures so the first thing we did before getting married was establish exactly what we expected from his parents (mine live on the opposite side of the world, so easier to deal with.)
There have been times it has been hard and his mum thinks I'm pushing her away so I try to make an effort to show I love her in other ways (eg she wants to hold my hand in public (yes really), I hate it so I withdraw my hand and give her a sideways hug instead.) I would suggest you do similar: you don't want her cleaning your house so how can you show her you value her help? Can she pick you up some shopping or drop food off or something?

I think that you need to explain rpthat, as much as she was trying to be helpful, it wasn’t necessary, and from no onwards, she’s welcome to visit, but as a guest, and is not expected to do any housework etc.

Don't undermine your DP, let MIL have her strop. If you undermine him now you risk never having his support again. She may be a nice woman, but this level of intrusion isn't kind or helpful. Your home is not her doll's house.

Take the keys back, change the locks if you think there are several keys in circulation, or put a chain on the door so nobody can wander in.

I would also return her bulbs and her bill, as a PP said. Ad if she threw away your old bulbs , give her the bill for replacing those as well.

So you're complaining about working a 13 hour day, your MIl finds you asleep on the settee so perhaps assumes you're tired from the work and pregnancy, your cleaning stuff is still packed away from the house move a few weeks ago. She's been asked to stay in your house whilst waiting for something to be delivered and uses the time to do a bit of cleaning. And you're angry with her? I actually think you need to get a grip! (Apart from the light bulbs, thats just a bit odd)
Now, because of your reaction, your DH has told his mum off on your behalf and you think he's gone too far.
I have a key to both my DDs houses, frequently clean for them, also put on a wash, tidy round, heck I even clean out the cat litter if it needs it! They both come round to my house which they've never lived in and treat it as their home too. It's what families do.
You're now in a position where your mil will only come round if invited, will not agree to sit in waiting for deliveries, plumbers, or anything else whilst you're out at work, and will most likely be very wary of you. I suppose as far as you are concerned that's a result? Personally I think that's very sad.

You don't need to fix anything.
You don't need to undermine your DP.
Leave it!

It's your dp's home too don't undermine him.
My dil would use f words at me if I overstepped the mark and I would apologise. We don't hold grudges though.

The thing that would have really annoyed me was leaving the bedroom window open. That, had there been nobody in, would have violated your insurançe.

Make sure you have registered keys that can't be cut. The spare goes in a key safe. You control the combination.

I find it extraordinary that parents should have keys or contemplate letting themselves into their children's properties. I think there does need to be a conversation where boundaries are clearly set:

No moving things
No going into cupboards/drawers
No opening post
No cleaning or introducing new/different products (allergies)
It's your home and she's always welcome to visit to see you but as a guest not as a cleaner.

Thanks God my MIL is a bit grubby and domestically disinterested but after 30 years, wish she knew where the kettle was oth she luves hundreds of miles away but three times a year comes for a week.

Rookie error OP....first rule of a successful marriage is NEVER EVER move within distance on inlaws on both sides....think this is bad? Wait til the baby is born....

@Soontobe60 The OP is allowed to have the boundaries she wants. You would like someone to clean your house, OP does not like it. It is not up to others to decide what is and isn't acceptable to us.

Nothing for you to fix, your DP has done what was needed.

@Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe Obviously that's not the case for everyone, we live 10 minutes from my in laws and have no issues.