MIL Boundaries - She went in the bedroom

[GYNisaliarWTF]

Long one but aren’t they all.
We recently bought and moved into our home (house renovated brand new), it’s round the corner from MIL & she didn’t visit at all at prev address (not too far).

I am pregnant, and very unreasonable 90% of the time hence being here.

We moved in during Xmas break. People have been round unannounced nearly every day since. I am not used to this AT ALL as ‘my people’ have respect for boundaries and prior- warning that they are coming.

This has resulted in MIL finding me asleep on the sofa on two occasions (I’m a sleepy pregnant lady and it was my day off) and has both times made me feel like I shouldn’t be sleeping in the afternoon (disclaimer- I work full time in an office for local government all year including Xmas except bank hols and also run a busy hair and beauty business both home and mobile so most weeks I do 13 hours a day/ 6 days a week) so I think I’ll be forgiven for a nap on my day off.

AIBU
Yesterday she came round when I wasn’t home, she doesn’t usually have a key but is regularly here when I’m not (DP doesn’t mind her being here all the time). She was here all day.
I had preempted that she would clean my house, so on Sunday I cleaned all the way through downstairs. We’d already agreed months ago that both she and my own mother weren’t to have a key as I’d be uncomfortable with them doing washing or cleaning whilst I was out (Id have a cleaner and I’m more than capable of sorting my own washing) she agreed that she too would be annoyed if someone cleaned her house while she was out

I came that came home to find she has cleaned my (already very clean) downstairs toilet, which stunk of bleach (which made me sick) and furthermore had proceeded to clean my (already clean) kitchen, re-arrange my cupboards, move my decorate items around into different places in the windows (giving the impression she didn’t like how I’d done them, or thought I’d done them wrong). She also bought a new window cleaning tool and TEN LIGHT BULBS and left the bill on the living room side after proceeding to change ALL my lightbulbs in my lounge making it now only slightly resemble blackpoolfuckingilluminations. (They are the same specification LED that I use in my beauty lamps for make up application). She obviously thinks my nearly brand new windows and toilets are dirty, so has kitted me out as if she’s doing me a favour (when in reality I’m really just busy, and haven’t got around to unboxing all the cleaning equipment from my previous home yet)

worst of all
When I went upstairs in the evening, I noticed she hadn’t cleaned the upstairs bathroom and was relieved, there’s no need for her to be upstairs; we have a downstairs loo as aforementioned. I took a shower and when I entered my bedroom, my bed is made and window is open. I asked DP if he had done this (I was livid as bedroom minus 2 at this point and I’m soaking wet from shower) he had not. So she’s been in my bedroom, decided the bed needed making and the place needed ‘airing out’. Not only that but she’s not done anything else upstairs, so looks as if she’s gone upstairs and gone straight to our bedroom to do this. Very annoying.

I’m beyond insulted but I daren’t approach it with her. We usually have a great relationship but since having this house she is ignoring my wishes to fulfill her need to fill her nest again, but I’m a fully grown woman who has no requirement for her interference on this level. DP has had to ‘have a word’ with her previously as she bought kitchen items which id already bought.

Advice on how to approach please, I don’t want to hurt her feelings; but she will be really hurt that we’ve got these boundaries in place regardless, as I genuinely don’t think she would think that my bedroom is a no- go- zone.
She cried when I told her I’d already bought a kettle, despite assuring me she’d be happy to take the one she’d bought back to the shop.

I don’t want to burn any bridges but I also want to feel like this is my space, and that I can make it my own home (v difficult for me- new town, no family or friends of my own here, recently discovered pregnant following GYN telling me it wouldn’t ever happen)

Please be kind, although I’m furious about my personal space invasion I do want to keep my relationship with her as she’s an actual angel of a human (but has no boundaries).

@AmelieTaylor I’m so new to MN I would have not even noticed, I’m bloody terrible (but learning quickly) thank you for the support 🤘🏽💕

@Emmelina pls send address I’m coming to live with you 😂😂😂

@TheProdigalKittensReturn

My experience has been that if you as the DIL try to set the boundaries she'll probably kick off and it will turn into a big mess. Let your DH be the one to have those conversations and they'll go much better. If you do it it'll turn into a big drama about how you're creating distance between parent and child because child was perfectly happy having no boundaries (he wasn't, in our case, and neither were his siblings) until you came along, queue feelings of child being stolen away. Whereas if your DH/her child is the one to set the boundaries then it's about their relationship and the child establishing a more appropriate set of adult boundaries as they move on to forming a family of their own.*

This was my real concern, she told me at Christmas her ‘nest is empty now’ and as someone who is currently building her first nest, it struck a real deep chord of ouch with me.

I now have to fix his mess because my issue isn’t her coming round my issue is her crossing a line

No, as PP say leave it between them. Just get the keys back, keep your doors locked and enjoy the peace.

As for sensitive - struggling to see "sensitive" in "Ignore requests, do what you like, reorganise someone's house and elave them a bill for it".

The tears are there for manipulate you. When you stop being manipulated by them, you will probably find they are turned on a lot less.

@AmelieTaylor Re: kettlegate not being about kettlegate.

I already have an example of what you’ve explained which proves you couldn’t be more correct on the matter if you were sat in my front room right now.

I (VERY POLITELY I MIGHT ADD) requested that ALL family including mum and MIL did not purchase any items whatsoever for baby #1 until 12 week scan was complete and heartbeat confirmed etc.
This was MY request because a) my baby wasn’t planned
Which is a direct result of the fact that I ‘cant have children’ according to GYN (hence username)
And so therefore if things didn’t go to plan, there was a TINY chance that I’d ever get pregnant again, family would have got their hopes up and started buying for no reason if the worst happened. I didn’t want them to go through the emotional stresses of disposing of a miscarried babies future clothing. Cruel truth but that’s life.
And B) my DP and I are ‘alternative’ as MIL calls us. More usually referred to as ‘Skaters’ in style so my child will be dressed like us and not in ted baker baby.

This all being said I have also expressed a dislike to characters on clothing for baby.

So she ignored all of the above and has bought a Winnie the Pooh sleepsuit.
Fucking brilliant.
It’s going back to the shop by the way. I think ordinarily I’d have taken a picture of child in it to save her feelings but she isn’t interested in mine.

🙊

Get the key back Simple!

Yeah, in my case I get where she's coming from and am sympathetic, but at the same time a situation in which she walks into the room when DH and I are in bed (yes, this actually happened more than once in the short time we lived in the same house) is just not acceptable, and neither is strolling into the bathroom to have a conversation with me while I'm in the shower, or rifling around in our wardrobe, or...I feel like you probably get what I mean all too well.

Was your DH OK with very few boundaries before you got married? Or not, but didn't want to say anything? I really do think that any boundary setting going through him would help to minimize whatever empty nest/this person has stolen my beloved child away from me feelings there might be. It's just too easy for things to slip into a sort of cliche DIL vs MIL pattern, and that's not good for anyone.

@SchadenfreudePersonified thank you

Why, thank you.

My mum had this issue with her MIL for my whole childhood she just banned her from upstairs in the end - she'd still do the washing up and the ironing on occasions. Now my nan is 88 and key privileges have been revoked because she doesn't remember to lock the door No the roles are reversed and DM has to care for her and my grandad so they can stay in their home. I live too far from DM and DMIL for any of this. Kind of wish I lived closer

I don’t want to hurt her feelings
She cried when I told her I’d already bought a kettle

You're on a hiding to nothing trying not to hurt someone's feelings if they take this kind of thing as an opportunity to cry.

Say firmly and calmly that you do not want her cleaning/rearranging things in your house and you do not want her in your bedroom.
Let her cry.

Also, yes, buy the kettle you actually want! If anyone started crying over a kettle I'd have a very difficult time mustering up anything more sympathetic than a raised eyebrow.

The kettle and sleepsuit incidents are very much about her hearing and noting what your preference is and deliberately going and doing something entirely different to show you what she thinks of your preferences/wishes/views and that she does not intend to let them prevail. They're symbolic acts of cutting you down to size. They may be subconscious (people's minds can do funny things), but that does not mean the intent isn't there somewhere.

You really must get a clear view of her and proper boundaries in place, or she will start this on the baby.

See, had it just been bleach in the downstairs loo I’d have been inclined to think she was just sorting out a massive awful poop situation....but the rest of it is nuts. Maybe she so completely stunk out the house she had to go and open the bedroom window 😂😂.
(Heavily pregnant as well but I don’t get hormonal, I just get childish, I almost lost it laughing when my midwife said ‘vagina’ the other week. I’ve turned into a 13 year old boy....Im a biology grad, im very accustomed to the word vagina..😂)

@Crazycactuslady my mum had it with her MIL too, which is why I’m so worried!!

Read AmelieTaylor‘s post, especially in relation to your baby and keep her advice and observations in mind. She’s said everything and more, that I was going to say.

Actually print the bloody post off and carry it on you, for those times when you doubt yourself!

@FrostyPopThePenguinLord that is brilliant 😂😂 I want to be like you when I become ‘very’ pregnant 😂 (I’m 12 wks at present) GL xx

@T0tallyFuckedUpFamily
Thank you. I might actually. It’s really important to me to ensure that I’m not just being unreasonable because of hormones (isn’t it amazing how many people build this into your mind whilst your pregnant?)

I may in fact adopt @AmelieTaylor because I couldn’t agree more. I need to have more control over my surroundings.
Thank you

@CatteStreet I thought that to be honest. I didn’t want to say it because it sounds harsh? But she clearly doesn’t approve or agree with my choices for my child. And quite frankly i know I will have much less ’doormat’ about me when it comes to my choices for the baby and so I plan to tell her whilst I appreciate her gift it does go against what I asked her to do and I’d appreciate it if she respected my wishes next time. I doubt she’ll even attempt to give it to me at that point because there will be bad feeling around the sleepsuit.

Winnie the fucking Pooh.
What a sick joke.
(sorry 😂)

But I’m planning to ask her politely not to clean and rearrange or buy household items, as those are my jobs i feel like I’d like to do to help me settle in

Let me correct that for you:
"I’m planning to ask her politely not to clean and rearrange or buy household items, as IT'S MY BLOODY HOUSE"

And: she knows we’re replacing them so I can’t fathom why she’d justify nearly £30 on bulbs for light fittings that might be going to the tip at the weekend Because it's a manipulative power play. She wants you compelled to keep them because it'll make her think every time she sees them 'they were going to get rid of them but I showed them' just like she thinks 'I know best' every time she looks at your shitty kettle.

You are absolutely not being unreasonable to want privacy in your own home! You should be able to walk around your house stark bloody naked or wearing a gimp suit if you so desire!

Politely set your boundaries now and make sure your DP is fully supportive. She sounds like a right bloody drama queen getting upset over nothing. And how would she like you changing all her light bulbs then leaving you the bill? Deal with it now or it will be 10 times worse once the baby arrives.

Reading your OP, you appear to have a MIL without having a husband. How is that?

I don't mean that you refer to him as DP not DH. I mean that, apart from one fleeting refeence, he is entirely absent from this narrative. It's all about 'my house, my things, my cleaning'.

The answer to your MIL problems is your DP. Your DP needs to make himself known to his mother, present in his relationship with you and in his home.

Then he can talk to her about your (plural) home, your (plural) things, your (plural) cleaning of that home, and your (plural) feelings.

If you wanted to be snarky you could make a comment about the super bright bulbs giving you a migraine, or suggest that you were concerned that being kept in a room lit up like a film set would hurt the baby's eyes.

Stop thinking of her as a normal rational human. Normal behavioural expectations clearly don't apply to the woman who changes somebody else's lightbulbs and cries when you buy your own kettle.

@lottiegarbanzo I am so sorry, we’re engaged to be married and I didn’t think in 2020 the actual lack of ceremony made it so that I couldn’t refer to her as MIL. I thought it easier to say MIL rather than ‘fiance’s Mum’ as she refers to herself and I refer to her as MIL. apologies.

Also, it is OUR house as you’ve said, DP just agrees with me on most things so I guess when I say I, I usually speak for both of us (he does the same and if there’s an issue because either doesn’t agree it’s rare but we deal with it) plus he’s very easy going and wouldn’t give a flying fuck who made his bed.