MIL Boundaries - She went in the bedroom

[GYNisaliarWTF]

Long one but aren’t they all.
We recently bought and moved into our home (house renovated brand new), it’s round the corner from MIL & she didn’t visit at all at prev address (not too far).

I am pregnant, and very unreasonable 90% of the time hence being here.

We moved in during Xmas break. People have been round unannounced nearly every day since. I am not used to this AT ALL as ‘my people’ have respect for boundaries and prior- warning that they are coming.

This has resulted in MIL finding me asleep on the sofa on two occasions (I’m a sleepy pregnant lady and it was my day off) and has both times made me feel like I shouldn’t be sleeping in the afternoon (disclaimer- I work full time in an office for local government all year including Xmas except bank hols and also run a busy hair and beauty business both home and mobile so most weeks I do 13 hours a day/ 6 days a week) so I think I’ll be forgiven for a nap on my day off.

AIBU
Yesterday she came round when I wasn’t home, she doesn’t usually have a key but is regularly here when I’m not (DP doesn’t mind her being here all the time). She was here all day.
I had preempted that she would clean my house, so on Sunday I cleaned all the way through downstairs. We’d already agreed months ago that both she and my own mother weren’t to have a key as I’d be uncomfortable with them doing washing or cleaning whilst I was out (Id have a cleaner and I’m more than capable of sorting my own washing) she agreed that she too would be annoyed if someone cleaned her house while she was out

I came that came home to find she has cleaned my (already very clean) downstairs toilet, which stunk of bleach (which made me sick) and furthermore had proceeded to clean my (already clean) kitchen, re-arrange my cupboards, move my decorate items around into different places in the windows (giving the impression she didn’t like how I’d done them, or thought I’d done them wrong). She also bought a new window cleaning tool and TEN LIGHT BULBS and left the bill on the living room side after proceeding to change ALL my lightbulbs in my lounge making it now only slightly resemble blackpoolfuckingilluminations. (They are the same specification LED that I use in my beauty lamps for make up application). She obviously thinks my nearly brand new windows and toilets are dirty, so has kitted me out as if she’s doing me a favour (when in reality I’m really just busy, and haven’t got around to unboxing all the cleaning equipment from my previous home yet)

worst of all
When I went upstairs in the evening, I noticed she hadn’t cleaned the upstairs bathroom and was relieved, there’s no need for her to be upstairs; we have a downstairs loo as aforementioned. I took a shower and when I entered my bedroom, my bed is made and window is open. I asked DP if he had done this (I was livid as bedroom minus 2 at this point and I’m soaking wet from shower) he had not. So she’s been in my bedroom, decided the bed needed making and the place needed ‘airing out’. Not only that but she’s not done anything else upstairs, so looks as if she’s gone upstairs and gone straight to our bedroom to do this. Very annoying.

I’m beyond insulted but I daren’t approach it with her. We usually have a great relationship but since having this house she is ignoring my wishes to fulfill her need to fill her nest again, but I’m a fully grown woman who has no requirement for her interference on this level. DP has had to ‘have a word’ with her previously as she bought kitchen items which id already bought.

Advice on how to approach please, I don’t want to hurt her feelings; but she will be really hurt that we’ve got these boundaries in place regardless, as I genuinely don’t think she would think that my bedroom is a no- go- zone.
She cried when I told her I’d already bought a kettle, despite assuring me she’d be happy to take the one she’d bought back to the shop.

I don’t want to burn any bridges but I also want to feel like this is my space, and that I can make it my own home (v difficult for me- new town, no family or friends of my own here, recently discovered pregnant following GYN telling me it wouldn’t ever happen)

Please be kind, although I’m furious about my personal space invasion I do want to keep my relationship with her as she’s an actual angel of a human (but has no boundaries).

You seem to like your MIL, so would assume that it would be possible to chat to her amicably about your feelings regarding boundaries in your home. No need for you getting upset,no need for any irritations, just have a chat about things, it's your home,and you know how you like your home to be.

However, we occasionally have a bit of fun and leave sexy time items out on display for MIL to find, hoping she'll take the hint and not go in there.

Nope. She tidies them up with the rest of the stuff.

I let my DM and MIL do this sort of thing for a while even though I didn't like it (not replacing lightbulbs and billing us for it but the cleaning/tidying/cupboard-sorting). We had a new baby for the first time and we were knackered, and they meant well, and it didn't seem worth the fight when at least the hoovering was getting done. Now it's many years later and they will not stop and it has gone far beyond helpful into maddening, and I can't ever fully talk them out of it. Don't be me. Foot down and foot down now.

Also OP don't get too stuck on trying to work out whether the kettle-tears were deliberately manipulative or just her being very sensitive or what. You did not want that kettle. She knew you did not want that kettle. You are allowed to not keep a kettle you do not want, you are not a kettle sanctuary.

I think this is a common occurrence. These women assume that it's their son's house and therefore her house. The DiL is insignificant, useful for producing grandchildren. So she moves in to leave her mark, just like a dog pees up a tree. The replacement of light bulbs and leaving the bill is totally batshit.

Your DP sounds like a good 'un, far too many put their mother before their partner.

Hope all goes well - good luck.

@SRS29 I fell out with sleep many years ago when I wanted to build my business and the whole thing kinda stuck, I’ve only been doing exercise since being pregnant as before this I was a weekend boozer and full time smoking, night out loving 26 y/o and so I’m trying to look after body since finding out DC on the way have stopped the trash twenties lifestyle (for now )

Thank you!!!

@53rdWay thank you.

You are not a kettle sanctuary
Love that. What no one around me seems to agree with regarding KettleGate is that she actually tried to blag that she had NO idea that I’d already chosen my kitchen theme and items, despite exchanging multiple texts re this and me having had an hour at her house showing her the Pinterest boards I’d made on the whole new gaff.

She was embarrassed that I’d called her out for not listening to me when DP asked her to stop buying items for the new home as her taste is not the same as ours and she cried, stating she ‘was only trying to help’ which I don’t doubt, but you don’t decorate another woman’s kitchen (it’s 1950, did she not know?)

Update: DP has been calling me every hour today to check I’m ok, as I’ve had the day off work (DC sickness) and he has text MIL to apologise for offence but stand his ground, and she has replied to say she isn’t offended (not sure I believe that).

he has text MIL to apologise for offence but stand his ground, and she has replied to say she isn’t offended (not sure I believe that)

She's deliberately misunderstanding.

He is obviously texting her to apologise for the offence she has caused you by intruding in your home. She has chosen to take it the other way.

Next time she comes round, take her into the kitchen to admire your new kettle and toaster combo.

@SilverySurfer Thank you.

The batshit purchase of lightbulbs has an update too. I have had to discuss this further with DP today as I’ve been home and sat in the lounge (which is lit up like a catwalk). I told him regardless of any intentions with these bulbs, I thought it weird that she left the receipt. He stated it’s so that we can take them back if they aren’t right. Which is BS because the boxes for said bulbs are now in the bin (where she put them) so she had no intention of allowing ro them to be returned.

I once heard a guy say 'my Mum would crawl up my arse and live in it if she could' which I thought was a pretty spot on description.

Sadly if they don't have their own things going on an empty nest and retirement can make you the centre of their universe. Mine tried the whole coming round to clean thing, but she wasn't so keen on leaving, and after staying at ours for four nights! I managed to convince her that her life dream was to travel SE Asia which she's been doing for last five years.

I've not had the same issue with a MIL. First was pretty absent, second is under strict orders not to 'harass' me.

I'm beyond insulted but I daren’t approach it with her. We usually have a great relationship but since having this house she is ignoring my wishes to fulfill her need to fill her nest again, but I’m a fully grown woman who has no requirement for her interference on this level.

You're either a fully grown woman who has no requirement for her interference OR you daren't approach it with her.
It doesn't work both ways.
Assuming you are going to decide to deal with this, start by ditching the worry about how she is going to react.

She has already told you SHE would be insulted if somebody intruded on her in the same way - remind her of that & tell her to stop.
Return the items she arbitrarily bought, with her bill. A physical gesture like this is very compelling. Tell her she must have got her wires crossed because you did not ask her to interfere like this & don't appreciate having to put all your specialist bulbs back in place. That if you wanted a window tool you would have bought one.
Ask her what she is playing at coming into your house on her own in the first place, why she cleaned it when you had already agreed she should not. Then ask her why she felt she had to clean stuff that was obviously already just cleaned & is she feeling ok, as this is strange behaviour & you don't understand it.
Then ask her WTF she thought she was doing in your bedroom & how on earth she feels it is appropriate to let herself in & try to take charge like this.
Then tell her you want it to stop right now & you want your keys back.

Conversely, decide that you don't dare tackle her, that your feelings & boundaries dont matter, & let her keep trampling all over your life.

She's outrageous OP.
btw your DH "doesn't mind" because it doesn't affect him
He's used to letting his mum run his life & he's not the one being disapproved of for daring to lie on his own sofa.
You need to make it affect him. You need him on your team. Make sure he backs you up as you lay down YOUR expectations for how you are going to be treated in your own home.

Stop treating her like your friend - chatting about the house and showing her Pinterest boards. She is using your niceness and the information she gains against you.

Let your partner do the work of entertaining her and meeting her emotional needs. Be polite but bland. Talk about the weather and other innocuous topics.

If you raise subjects that matter to you eg what names you are considering for baby then she will think you are asking her opinion. Which she will no doubt give and get annoyed if you don’t agree.

So DONT TALK TO HER ABOUT IT. If she asks , just say “ DP and I Haven’t decided yet “.

Brush off all controversial topics with “ I don’t know “ or “ that’s interesting “ or “ I’ll think about that “ . Don’t get drawn into things with her. She is clearly very good at manipulating you, you need to learn to side step this.

In time she will hassle you less if you are bland and boring.

Do NOT tell her when you go into labour. Once you do tell her, expect her to be at the hospital right away. So don’t call if you are not prepared for that.

Change the lightbulbs back, bag them up and take them with receipt back to MIL.

Who cares what she does with them thereafter. You didn’t ask for them, they’re not suitable. Nothing to do with you.

And send the kettle back whilst you’re at it.

Do you have a key to her home?

Could you go round and rearrange her "bibelots", and pour bleach down her lava and over her kitchen worktops so it looks as though you've cleaned them?

Leave a half-empty bottle of domestic , plus receipt. on he coffee table. Make sure some drips onto the french polishing.

you're complaining about working a 13 hour day, your MIl finds you asleep on the settee so perhaps assumes you're tired from the work and pregnancy, your cleaning stuff is still packed away from the house move a few weeks ago. She's been asked to stay in your house whilst waiting for something to be delivered and uses the time to do a bit of cleaning. And you're angry with her? I actually think you need to get a grip!

@Soontobe60, I actually think you need to RTFT before making daft & rude statements.
How did you manage to miss that fact that, far from being "still packed away", OP's cleaning stuff had just been used, by OP herself?
Or that OP & MiL had ALREADY AGREED that MiL was not to clean - or that MiL had said SHE would be offended if someone did that to her?

As per your OP, she is not "an angel of a human" if she can't respect your boundaries.

You need to be very firm with her. As long as you're polite, it's on her if she gets upset.

Your partner really needs to be the one to put his foot down though - she's his mother, not yours.

TBH the biggest thing that strikes me about this post is that all of you seem to see cleaning as a woman's role! You work 13 hours a day, six days a week and you clean everywhere?

Maybe MIL is trying to make up for the last y arse she raised?

My sil does this. Ive taken to locking all doors when in so she cant just walk in whenever. Also stopped answering door after dark. Am close to tipping point so its best way.

@Cantwaitforsummer2020 sorry, I didn’t think it was really that relevant but the set included the matching microwave. It’s their marble range (attached pic of what was in the deal, £180 was an ‘about’ price before Xmas on a deal.

@Cantwaitforsummer2020 also it’s Tower not Salter, poor adulting on my behalf. It was months ago so apologies for forgetting the brand.

@spongejack DP works longer hours than I do and we share the cleaning (in leui of not having employed a cleaner yet as we’ve not been here long enough to be organised to an extent where a cleaner can get round) apologies if it seems I’m saying he does nothing, that isn’t the case. It just so happened that I did the cleaning on this occasion before MiL Monday

Fair enough it just sounded like he was off at the gym whilst leaving pregnant wife cleaning the house!

Just take the keys off her.

@messolini9 punches air in support thank you

@spongejack she hasn’t got keys as I said in pp

@spongejack Also dying with laughter. My DP doesn’t go to the gym, he’s more like a racecar driving Hagrid. Hahahaha

One of the suggestions dealing with MiL who overstep the mark is to get application forms for emigration to Australia and partially complete it. When the MiL goes beyond the mark, these are then left in a strategic location where they can't be missed. Cue hysteria or improved behaviour.

It may be worth getting a set OP, just in case