Help please dd lost money

[Canyousendthembackwhen13]

Help! I have no clue how these things work and am at the end of my tether.

Dd is a royal pain in the ass at the moment. Everything is her way or the highway. Anyway she has recently started a job (she's 16) after dropping out of college and telling me she was going to move out and become independent as I am too oppressive 🙄. The usual teenage angst! After not speaking to me for a few days because I dared to make her the wrong type of pasta for tea she has now come to me and told me she spent £150 on a pair of shoes she bought on eBay. She paid via PayPal apparently and then has received nothing. I asked why she didn't go through eBay itself and she told me the seller asked her not to so as not to pay fees (I could hit my head against a wall at this point as I thought she had more sense).

She's opened a dispute with PayPal and has sent the screenshots of the messages etc. How likely is she to get the money back?

I'm so disappointed and this is all clearly a much bigger picture. She's not the girl I thought anymore and this year has just been one thing after another. I thought her getting a job was her first step towards maturity but she has assured me it's just so she can get away from us.

Please can someone tell me what the chances are that she will get her money back? In some ways I think it will teach her a lesson but in others I think £150 is an expensive lesson.

Don't give her the money she lost.
to be honest, it would be better if she moved out.
she sounds really horrible.

Hold on in there OP. It is a phase and should pass.

It is a known phenomena that teens of this age are awful. Here in Aus, lots of private schools isolate year 9s from the rest of the school, as they are such a difficult awkward bunch (so 15 to 16 years). I realise that is a fab idea, as they need to get through this with as little damage as possible.
Hopefully you and daughter will look back on this and be grateful it is history.

It’s £150! Let her learn from her mistakes and stop getting so worked up over it. It’s her problem surely

@changeembrace I haven't done a ODFOD for a while, but you can have one for that ridiculous snotty comment I've just read. This is a public forum and people can post about anything they like. If people didn't ask about their kids, Mumsnet wouldn't exist!!

I was a vile teenager much like your daughter (probably worse). Through all the trials and tribulations I had with my own mother I really thank her for being strict with one thing - education. Don’t sweat the shoes, work out how to get her back to college. It’s a phase, it will pass. Don’t give up on her too soon.

@DrivingMsCrazy - I made the same mistake as you and said so

What changeembrace meant was that there are much more serious issues with the daughter than a pair of shoes.

@FizzyIce millions of people successfully purchase things on eBay daily, it’s not The black market 😂 she has been burned and deserves sympathy. This doesn’t have anything to do with any of her other behaviour so I fail to see why it seems to be the last straw for OP.

Op this sounds incredibly tough but I agree with pp who say boundaries and rules are needed here. No more bf coming over / mobile bill paid / whatever else she values unless she's up to date with school work, does her chores and speaks to you with respect.

@ DrivingMsCrazy
Calm down. You’ve misunderstood me!

The Op didn’t and responded

@Randomname85 Didn’t say it was the black market but it’s also not rocket science to not hand over £150 to a stranger without doing it properly over eBay

Yes, I agree with you when you say your gently gently approach has been far too soft.

You are allowing one daughter to spoil the life of the other and introduce a miserable atmosphere into the home. You have tried your best from late night chats to letting her boyfriend stay over and I think it is now time to concentrate on your other daughter. Why should her life be made less than happy because of the other one?

I would metaphorically give her a kick up the arse-actually the next time she referred to me as 'that' it would probably become a literal one!

Let her sort this mess out and don't make yourself a doormat Have some more respect for yourself, your home and, most importantly of all, your other daughter.

Bed and board and follow your rules. If not, then let her find somewhere else. Oh, and next time she mentions Social Services, pick up the phone and ring them yourself.

Tough love all the way....she's chosen to leave herself open to fraud by trying to go another payment route...it's a valuable lesson...

She'll need to sort the mess out including getting herself shoes... If you rescue the money, it gives her the message whatever mess she creates unwisely, you'll mitigate it.... So the square root of FA...

If you're so minded... Say you'll fund cheaper 2nd hand shoes.. 150 is a ridiculous amount!! ... But she MUST do listed chores weekly to compensate you for the money..... You could say you'll do this in a week/fortnight /whatever once she has shown she's willing to actually work... I would have her doing proper jobs... Not just tidying her room... Her choice whether she complies...

Ive read the whole thread and I dont think this has been mentioned before but could it possibly be that she really doesnt like this new boyfriend -maybe hes not her type or is abusive and she is hoping that ...you ban her from seeing him /ban her from going out / in fact probably move her away home altogether .
Just an alternative take on how she has been ,coinciding with the arrival of the new boy and his nasty Mum.

She seems a little desperate. Does she have confidence issues?

It's her mistake, let her deal with it and don't buy her the shoes.

Life doesn’t sound all rosy for her actually. She’s 16, and her friends are calling her names for meeting someone on line and having sex with him within a month? So - bullying her and slut shaming?

I think her behaviour toward you is unacceptable, and you sound really open to understanding the bigger picture if she would share it. So I thought I’d throw in that thing I picked up on.