Help please dd lost money

[Canyousendthembackwhen13]

Help! I have no clue how these things work and am at the end of my tether.

Dd is a royal pain in the ass at the moment. Everything is her way or the highway. Anyway she has recently started a job (she's 16) after dropping out of college and telling me she was going to move out and become independent as I am too oppressive 🙄. The usual teenage angst! After not speaking to me for a few days because I dared to make her the wrong type of pasta for tea she has now come to me and told me she spent £150 on a pair of shoes she bought on eBay. She paid via PayPal apparently and then has received nothing. I asked why she didn't go through eBay itself and she told me the seller asked her not to so as not to pay fees (I could hit my head against a wall at this point as I thought she had more sense).

She's opened a dispute with PayPal and has sent the screenshots of the messages etc. How likely is she to get the money back?

I'm so disappointed and this is all clearly a much bigger picture. She's not the girl I thought anymore and this year has just been one thing after another. I thought her getting a job was her first step towards maturity but she has assured me it's just so she can get away from us.

Please can someone tell me what the chances are that she will get her money back? In some ways I think it will teach her a lesson but in others I think £150 is an expensive lesson.

Id say if she is spending 150 on shoes any threat she has of moving out is that..an empty threat...like most 16yr old girls (i have one) theres a lot of growing up to do

Oh God, the teenage years can be difficult. For every poster bragging about their hardworking academically gifted, courteous, polite teenagers, with their A grades, vocal devotion to their parents and siblings and, of course, a superb work ethic, there are dozens like your DD.

Mine was one of them. Aged 16, she regularly told me to go and jump off (local suicide spot) bridge, she would play truant from school, she was smoking, drinking, hanging around with older teenagers, and wouldn't listen to anyone, not her father, older brothers, grandparents...after a lot of thought and talking things through as a family, we all took a step back, and as long as she was safe, let her go, let her do what she wanted, stopped trying to 'make' her behave, and although it broke my heart, I acted as if I really didn't care about her anymore. It took a while, but she came back.

Ten years on, that awful 12 - 18 months of having a devil child in the house is something to laugh about. She's successful in her career, settled with her boyfriend, saving up for a mortgage, planning to get married in August and perhaps have a baby after that...

I hope you can get through this with your DD, it's bloody horrible!

OP you are doing a brilliant job as a parent. teenagers are horrible sometimes.

I suggest a bit of tough love. Your house and she needs to live by your rules. Stop washing for her, paying her phone bill (if you do?), dont cook for her - dont do ANYTHING for her.

I would not replace the shoes, or let the lad in the house etc,if she speaks to you with respect then brilliant - but tough love required.

I donot think being "attention seeking" is resolved by being extra nice. She is not 5, shes 16 and knows exactly what shes doing.

And yes to the brother talking to her, worth a shot?

My (now ex) DSS went like this, he did call social services, because his stepdad confiscated his iphone. That spiralled us into a sea of nonsense, the DM didn't care but we had to deal with it all - in the end, he got some support through the school and more time in exams (??).

Anyway, he turned into a monster too, aged about 15. All the usual stuff, drinking, smoking, having mates round all hours, being rude, ignoring us, being noisy, hating us all, knowing best, etc.

He's 18 now and fine, not really found his way in life but he's OK.

I don't think you can much other than just survive it. But I do think your DH needs to step up a bit now. Just walking away when she ignores him won't help. Whether he does anything with her or just does more to support you, he needs to do it!

But, do try not to be hurt by the name calling, they don't mean it. My niece called her parents 'uber cunts', and she's 31 and lovely now!

You sound like a great mum and you’ve obviously done something right if 2 out of 3 were problem free!
I am not an expert but is there a possibility she is on drugs? The aggression and delusions combined with a relationship with a boy who (along with his mother) sound like scum and the stealing, sound like people desperate for a fix to me.

She has come back down and asked me to ring PayPal. I have told her it's her problem to solve.

To clarify I didn't choose to take her to GP friend, she asked if I would go to docs with her and made appt etc herself. I think it was a test to see how I'd react.

I've tried letting her crack on with the boyfriend within limits, I haven't stopped them seeing each other but I am somewhat watchful after the theft.

I have no idea if she is lying or not about this all and tbh I wouldn't be surprised.

Definitely no drugs from her side thank god. I don't understand the theft to be honest other than a cry for attention. It was a bracelet her sister loves but isn't worth much. They both have much more valuable things she could sell and at that point we were still giving dd an allowance so she had access to money if she wanted it.

She told my husband the other day she couldn't eat in the dining room as 'that' (me) was sat in there

How vile and upsetting

@Wonkybanana

You completely misunderstood me!

The OP did understand and responded

I’m still trying to get past the fact that she wants to earn her own money and be independent but also didn’t speak to you for several days because you made her the wrong sort of pasta for her tea. It sounds like a severe case of horrendous teenager-itis- toddler one second, wanna-be grownup the next. I feel for you.

I heard some good advice recently which is to “stop rescuing” your teen. If you always step in, how do they learn to do things for themselves? The lesson is never learned by watching, only by doing.

Well done on telling her to sort her own PayPal dispute out, stay firm on the no shoes from you - and I wouldn’t bother making her her tea if she reacts like that to the wrong pasta! Let her demonstrate to herself whether she’s a grown up or not.

Explain that is she starts a dispute with po paypal, she can send picture of delivery to wrong address.
PayPal then wait for the other side to answer, before they do anything.
As said so long as money not sent friends and family, she should get it back.

OP

I suspect she isn’t popular and doesn’t have many friends / social life?

I’d put money on it that the money was sent as family/friends so that seller doesn’t incur PayPal costs

I meant your daughter not you OP!

What did her Father say when she called you "THAT" ?

If she’s that desperate to move out, I wouldn’t fight it. It’s her choice.

I’d tell her to go back to college as moving out for university is the easiest way. She’ll have student loan helping her pay rent/living costs & the security blanket of university life to ease her into adult life. Then during second year or whatever she can live with her friends or bf 🤷🏼‍♀️

Let’s be honest, unless she’s moving into her boyfriend’s mums house, she’ll struggle to move out at 16. Especially if she isn’t saving up, so I’d also tell her to save her money. If she does get her PayPal money back, tell her to save it rather than buy more shoes.

If she threatens social services, just tell her to contact them if that makes her feel comfortable/she thinks you’re that bad.

I wouldn’t be too fussed about them having safe sex, id rather that then she puts herself in a vulnerable situation trying to have sex elsewhere. You can’t really force her to be celibate.

Do more 1-1 things with your other daughter definitely.

The name calling is difficult. I think start off by ignoring her but if it continues to escalate you’ll have to ask her to move out

Sorry I'm trying to read and reply but I'm not that fast.

She used to be very close to her twin, they were always together but after meeting this boy (rightly or wrongly I feel everything comes back to him) she has been completely dismissive of her. Her sister defended me and now has been told she is the favourite and lying to protect me.

I'm thinking what I'd do if this was my DD behaving in this way. I have 2 kids btw, one a young teen and one early 20s

I would immediately ban the boyfriend from my home. He wouldn't be welcome and if then sit tight and deal with the fall out from that. Living at home means you have some respect - she's showing you none and that isn't acceptable is it?

The shoes are whatever really. eBay stress to buy through them or you won't be covered. So she's not covered and she needs to go direct to PayPal

So, I would sit her down, calmly and say youve had enough and it's time for some changes. Is she rude to her teachers? Your neighbours? Her friends? Her doctor? No? Then it's a choice to be rude to you. Tell her as such and ask for her solutions. You know what she'll say. I'd then draw the chat to a close , reiterate no boyfriend in the house and offer to help her find a flat if that's an option she wants to consider

I don't know what else you can do? You can't physically stop her from being so awful so it's time to say you've had a proper think and this is where you find yourself.

Be grave and thoughtful enough about it and you may find she takes you seriously

She needs to use the platform (eBay) properly and she WILL get her money back. It's a very straightforward claim and they set it out clearly. There's been a misunderstanding re the PayPal thing- most eBay sales go through PayPal and the buyer is always protected. The seller would have wanted to sort the dispute privately but after a certain amount of days without the arrival of the item, eBay will step in.

The only thing wrong with the GP issue, was the GP not passing her over to a different GP who doesn't know you. Sex isn't bad behaviour.

Have her cook for herself as she would do that living independently anyway.

She was very popular (still is to an extent) but I know some of the other girls in their group (sister has told me) have name called about the meeting the boyfriend online and sleeping with him etc.

That's neither here nor there, being popular. Support her where her friends are being unkind but keep the boundaries in place re disrespecting you and your home.

I have no advice as my kids are younger, but solidarity. I was a despicable little brat at that age, I did get better!

Is it possible she's smoking weed or taking some other kind of drugs? Just a thought- if her behaviour has changed since she met this boy it's a possibility.
I have a 16 year old daughter, and she has her moments.Im fairly laid back and Most of the time I pick my battles but every so often she'll piss me off severely and I lay down the law with her!! My husband always says to her that I must be pissed off to have to speak to her like that!
Forget helping her with the shoes- she thinks she knows better, let her sort it out!
My daughter was meant to sort out some work experience as part of her college course- starting this week. She's had weeks to sort it- I reminded her during the Christmas holidays- she had 3 weeks off- and she did nothing about it. Mentioned it the first Monday of term and she spoke to me like shit on her shoe and told me to stop going on about it. I literally went right up to her face and said " If you think you can speak to me like that and still get my help, forget it. You're on your own- sort it out your bloody self!" And I never mentioned it again. Come the end of last week , reality hit, she was running round like a blue arsed fly trying to find somewhere and came to me crying about it in the end. I asked why I should help her after the way she spoke to me, reminded her that she's had weeks to sort it out and to just get on with it. She didn't find anywhere till Saturday afternoon, to start yesterday! Not where she wants to work or what she wants to do, but that's her fault.
A couple of weeks ago she earnt some cash doing her boyfriend's Mums hair- she spent the whole lot on a shit load of take away food for her and her boyfriend- then asked me the next day for money to buy make up. I don't think so!! I was the worst Mum in the world, but why the hell should I??
Sometimes, tough love is the only way to go- it's horrible and its fucking hard but you have to remind them who's in charge.

What’s the boyfriend like? His mum doesn’t sound very nice at all. Could he be being mean to your DD? Abusive?

I think you should probably just keep saying, "You're an adult now, you know best" so that all of the decisions are made by her.

If she calls you names (and that made me cringe - how awful for you) say, "You're an adult now, and I won't have any adult talking to me like that. Either apologise or go and live somewhere else." There is no way she'll find a flat or anything - she knows when she's well off.