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Original poster

Help please dd lost money

141 replies

Canyousendthembackwhen13 · 21/01/2020 17:51

Help! I have no clue how these things work and am at the end of my tether.

Dd is a royal pain in the ass at the moment. Everything is her way or the highway. Anyway she has recently started a job (she's 16) after dropping out of college and telling me she was going to move out and become independent as I am too oppressive 🙄. The usual teenage angst! After not speaking to me for a few days because I dared to make her the wrong type of pasta for tea she has now come to me and told me she spent £150 on a pair of shoes she bought on eBay. She paid via PayPal apparently and then has received nothing. I asked why she didn't go through eBay itself and she told me the seller asked her not to so as not to pay fees (I could hit my head against a wall at this point as I thought she had more sense).

She's opened a dispute with PayPal and has sent the screenshots of the messages etc. How likely is she to get the money back?

I'm so disappointed and this is all clearly a much bigger picture. She's not the girl I thought anymore and this year has just been one thing after another. I thought her getting a job was her first step towards maturity but she has assured me it's just so she can get away from us.

Please can someone tell me what the chances are that she will get her money back? In some ways I think it will teach her a lesson but in others I think £150 is an expensive lesson.

OP posts:
Original poster
Canyousendthembackwhen13 · 21/01/2020 18:15

Sorry for the huge drip feed. This incident has just tipped me over the edge tonight.

OP posts:
Sparklfairy · 21/01/2020 18:16

Don't buy her the shoes. If/when PayPal refund her it doesn't sound like she's decent enough to reimburse you.

Sorry you're struggling with her at the minute Flowers

Original poster
Canyousendthembackwhen13 · 21/01/2020 18:16

@BellatrixLestat no she messaged the seller asking about the shoes and they gave her a mobile number. All other exchanges were by text.

OP posts:
BellatrixLestat · 21/01/2020 18:17

Unless she didn't actually win the auction or 'buy it now' and just messaged the seller?

In which case she should still report to eBay as she will get banned and PayPal will refund the money.

TimeForPlentyIn2020 · 21/01/2020 18:17

Why on earth would E bay help her when the transaction was specifically set up to defraud them Confused

BellatrixLestat · 21/01/2020 18:18

Ah X post. I get it now.

Very sneaky of the 'seller' should definitely report.

I'm sure PayPal will refund, they tend to side with buyers too.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 21/01/2020 18:18

she thinks me and her dad will now pay for new ones

It's about time she learned that if she wants to be Miss Independent, she can't come running to Mummy and Daddy every time she fucks up.

Expensive lesson but one worth learning.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 21/01/2020 18:20

Sorry, cross post.

In real life I've told her it's for her to sort out and I won't be replacing the shoes

Good for you.

Original poster
Canyousendthembackwhen13 · 21/01/2020 18:23

I won't be buying her the shoes or replacing the money. I've been too gently gently with her because I have been worried of pushing her away or that she would just up and leave (this boy has said she can go to him, I've no idea what his mum thinks of this and can't bear to speak to her again). I'm out of ideas now though, and awful as it sounds but I'm also at the end of my patience. The house has become hostile and my other poor daughter is always so quiet I worry she is feeling neglected as her sister gets all the attention so to speak (late night chats, time trying to understand her etc). I'm just sick of constant battles and tip toeing around her. I've spoken to her dad tonight (he works away during the week so it's me that gets all the brunt) and he is worried she will leave. I think this is a chance we will have to take. I don't actually think she will go anywhere as much as she likes to tell me she will.

Huge drip feed but things are so bad she even told her sister she was going to ring social services and say how awful I was. Her complaints were that I wouldn't let her sleep with her boyfriend (of a month at that point) and that I asked her to tidy her room. I wish I was joking. She really thinks social services who see the most horrendous things would be appalled by this and take her immediately into care. I tried to get her a GP appt after this to speak to someone (as I am very worried she has issues going on and she is clearly not open to discussing them with me) but she refused to go.

OP posts:
WhatsTheLatest · 21/01/2020 18:24

Did your DH tell her that calling you 'that' wasnt acceptable?

Original poster
Canyousendthembackwhen13 · 21/01/2020 18:25

God sorry all for all these huge rambles. I feel like I'm making a mess of this whole parenting thing and I have no idea how to fix it. I've raised her the same as my other two and my daughter and son (who is now 30) assure me I'm not a terrible mother. It's like I have to enforce the rules so I am the devil.

OP posts:
Original poster
Canyousendthembackwhen13 · 21/01/2020 18:27

@WhatsTheLatest dh told her to go upstairs until she had learnt to treat her mother with respect. She just ignored him. Because dh works away it has always just been me and the girls (my son is older and moved out when he was 20). Ive always been the one doing the disciplining but I would have said last year that we had a close living relationship. What a fool I was.

OP posts:
mencken · 21/01/2020 18:30

she must be very difficult to love.

stop all services except food, shelter and transport to school. She does her own washing. She pays for her own phone.

what, no money? well, better learn some basic courtesy then. Strop like a toddler, get treated like one.

I suspect boyfriend will rapidly dump if he has to live with this - if his mum doesn't eject her first.

AmelieTaylor · 21/01/2020 18:30

Encourage her to call Social Services.

What did your DH say:do when she called you that???

I just cannot imagine even the ‘gobby’ teens I know doing that 😳.

HappyHammy · 21/01/2020 18:31

She is desperate for the attention, you are going round and round in circles. The rest of your family need to pull together, ignore her tantrums, let her eat where she wants she will spoil the meal anyway, let her call social services, can her siblings tell her to grow up and stop being so silly. Whatever you do will be wrong, when it starts then walk away, take deep breaths and smile through it if you can. What's the worse that will happen? She,ll move in with her bf and his mum?

AmelieTaylor · 21/01/2020 18:32

Cross posted with you...

So what did your DH do when she ignored him?

Tinty · 21/01/2020 18:34

You are not a terrible parent, you are a wonderful parent trying to do the best you can with a very difficult teenager.

She isn’t a completely different child, just one who is trying to grow up and be independent (but in a terribly hurtful way). She is trying to pull away from you and her hormones are probably stopping her from thinking straight and being mature.

My friends daughter is like this, screaming at her parents and telling them they never let her do anything etc. Then the next day she can’t even remember what she said to them and is fine again. Until an hour later when someone says the wrong thing (according to her). Then she is screaming and ranting again.

Original poster
Canyousendthembackwhen13 · 21/01/2020 18:34

I hoped she would follow through and call social services in the hope it would flag her as needing some support. I think she actually only told her sister so that it would get back to me and scare me or something.

I'm at the point where if she did move out I would think it was a relief, my own daughter. I'm almost certain the boyfriend hasn't actually asked his mum to have her, he said to her when I was there that he would rescue her from me. His mum called me a crazy cow when I rang to discuss them sneaking about (I rang because at that point I just wanted her to be aware so that she could ensure he was safe, have a chat etc as I was doing with dd). She told me I was crazy and that my daughters life was none of my business and that her son said I was lying anyway.

OP posts:
ssd · 21/01/2020 18:36

She sounds awful. Time for you to stepbavk and let her sort her own mess out. And whatever you do, do not buy her the shoes.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 21/01/2020 18:36

Her complaints were that I wouldn't let her sleep with her boyfriend (of a month at that point) and that I asked her to tidy her room.

I would actually encourage her to ring social services so that an independent adult can tell her just what a ridiculous brat she is being.

So sorry, it sounds as though you have tried everything. If she does go to her BF's (doubtful that will even happen) just tell her she's always welcome to come back. And let her go. Yes, I know you will worry but I think it really is the only way... (to stop her blaming you for everything at least, she will soon realise that she needs to be responsible for herself).

Call her bluff. Let her go and fuck up, and be there when she comes home (hopefully with tail between her legs). It's called tough love for a reason.

Hope you and DH can be a united front on this.

Tinty · 21/01/2020 18:37

I think pp who said just keep doing what she needs food, shelter lifts to school or work but no extras.

Always tell her you still love her but she needs to treat you with respect.

Original poster
Canyousendthembackwhen13 · 21/01/2020 18:39

My husband left the room at that point. There is no point trying to reason with her or get her to do things, she just comes out with complete garbage that even she knows must not be true. She said at one point that I never let her have a hot bath and that she remembers being a child having cold baths with 2cm (her words) of water. It's just complete rubbish, she started talking about a specific time and her sister said yes that was when the boiler broke and it was fixed the next day? She has completely rewritten her childhood in her head.

She used to be very close to my son, he now lives just down the road. In December she went to stay with him for a week after a huge kick off but I couldn't ask him to have her again as he has his own family to concentrate on. I have considered asking him to speak to her but not sure if that makes it worse? Up to this point it has been mainly me talking to her about how shocking some of her behaviour has been and I think that's why I'm getting the backlash. Maybe having another adult talk to her would help but I don't think she will listen to him either. If you aren't on her side she declares you mad and abusive to her.

OP posts:
Rachelfromfriends1 · 21/01/2020 18:40

To be honest, I don’t think you should give her the money or replacement shoes, but I do think it would be kind of you to help her with the dispute?

Yes, she made a dumb choice paying outside of eBay and yes, she has been acting out recently/has something odd going on, but that doesn’t negate the fact that someone has scammed your daughter online. You, as an adult, presumably have a better writing manner and are better at forming well executed complaints than a 16 year old. So you helping her means she’s more likely to get her money back.

Original poster
Canyousendthembackwhen13 · 21/01/2020 18:41

I even took her to the GP after our chat about sex and everything. The GP is a friend of mine and I was mortified to have to sit there and listen to my daughter saying how she had met someone online a month ago and was now sleeping with them. But I bit my tongue and made sure she was safe, I have been far too soft on her haven't I?

OP posts:
Sparkle2020 · 21/01/2020 18:41

Seller should be reported, and your daughter was very naive to do that anyway. If she doesn’t get her money back it might just be an expensive but good lesson

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