Help please dd lost money

[Canyousendthembackwhen13]

Help! I have no clue how these things work and am at the end of my tether.

Dd is a royal pain in the ass at the moment. Everything is her way or the highway. Anyway she has recently started a job (she's 16) after dropping out of college and telling me she was going to move out and become independent as I am too oppressive 🙄. The usual teenage angst! After not speaking to me for a few days because I dared to make her the wrong type of pasta for tea she has now come to me and told me she spent £150 on a pair of shoes she bought on eBay. She paid via PayPal apparently and then has received nothing. I asked why she didn't go through eBay itself and she told me the seller asked her not to so as not to pay fees (I could hit my head against a wall at this point as I thought she had more sense).

She's opened a dispute with PayPal and has sent the screenshots of the messages etc. How likely is she to get the money back?

I'm so disappointed and this is all clearly a much bigger picture. She's not the girl I thought anymore and this year has just been one thing after another. I thought her getting a job was her first step towards maturity but she has assured me it's just so she can get away from us.

Please can someone tell me what the chances are that she will get her money back? In some ways I think it will teach her a lesson but in others I think £150 is an expensive lesson.

My oldest was an "awkward " mid-teen and suddenly giving him a lot of adult responsibility had him apologetic and much more reasonably behaved after a few weeks.

If she moves out to be with her bf, don't hold her back. Don't give her money or do washing etc The bf mum will quickly tire of her and send her back or she'll realize that life at home is better than adult responsibilities like laundry and cleaning.

His own laundry was one of the responsibilities that I gave my son. There were a few times that he had to wear unwashed stuff or hand washed stains in the sink because there was no time to rely on a machine but it helped change his attitude. He's now at uni and has the mental load of shopping for food etc on top of laundry but he understands what a luxury it is when he doesn't have to do it every day at home during the holidays.

Don't help your dd with the PayPal issue and don't buy the replacement. She can't treat you so poorly and expect you to come to the rescue.

Are you sure she hasnt just wasted the money, OP? And is now trying to cover her tracks?

There will be a record if she is trying to cover her tracks an get the OP to buy her new shoes.

Just as to see the purchase on her Paypal account, she can't delete them and will be able to prove it.

I find it odd that ebay allowed the seller to exchange a phone number with a buyer. I tried to message someone my mobile number via eBay (to arrange collection of an item) and eBay would not allow me to send the message as it’s against their rules, mainly because it often mean someone’s selling out of eBay to dodge fees. Are you sure she’s telling the truth?

She wants independence, leave her to it

@Lovemusic33 I've had contact details including phone number and email address sent to me twice.

The first was an attached image with their contact details and secondly the email address was backwards as in - moc.liamg@elpmaxe.

She may not by lying and if she isn't lying then she'll be able to show OP to prove it.

Some sellers have their phone number on their listing - I’ve rung sellers in the past - so that’s perfectly possible.

PayPal are pretty good. If the tracking shows the item was posted to the wrong address then she should get her money back.

The phone number does not have to be sent to you it comes up on the listing under ‘seller’s details’.

You sure your not my mum from when I was 16?!!

I’d sneak my boyfriend in through the window I dropped out of collage too. He is now my DH and I have a gosh responsible job in the field I’ve always wanted To work.

I know it’s hard I was horrific at 16.

@Canyousendthembackwhen13 if she paid friends and family then no cover. If she paid normally then she can dispute and get her money back. There also must be messages on eBay which is strange as they normally get flagged up. She needs to complain to stop other people getting scammed.

First of all for you, my teens had their moments but it does sound like you're massively going through it right now.

Secondly this letter does the rounds on FB from time to time and is the inspiration for the POTs thread (parents of teens), I think you need it right now.

Dear Parent:

This is the letter that I wish I could write.

This fight we are in right now. I need it. I need this fight. I can’t tell you this because I don’t have the language for it and it wouldn’t make sense anyway. But I need this fight. Badly. I need to hate you right now and I need you to survive it. I need you to survive my hating you and you hating me. I need this fight even though I hate it too. It doesn’t matter what this fight is even about: curfew, homework, laundry, my messy room, going out, staying in, leaving, not leaving, boyfriend, girlfriend, no friends, bad friends. It doesn’t matter. I need to fight you on it and I need you to fight me back.

I desperately need you to hold the other end of the rope. To hang on tightly while I thrash on the other end—while I find the handholds and footholds in this new world I feel like I am in. I used to know who I was, who you were, who we were. But right now I don’t. Right now I am looking for my edges and I can sometimes only find them when I am pulling on you. When I push everything I used to know to its edge. Then I feel like I exist and for a minute I can breathe. I know you long for the sweeter kid that I was. I know this because I long for that kid too, and some of that longing is what is so painful for me right now.

I need this fight and I need to see that no matter how bad or big my feelings are—they won’t destroy you or me. I need you to love me even at my worst, even when it looks like I don’t love you. I need you to love yourself and me for the both of us right now. I know it sucks to be disliked and labeled the bad guy. I feel the same way on the inside, but I need you to tolerate it and get other grownups to help you. Because I can’t right now. If you want to get all of your grown up friends together and have a ‘surviving-your-teenager-support-group-rage-fest’ that’s fine with me. Or talk about me behind my back--I don’t care. Just don’t give up on me. Don’t give up on this fight. I need it.

This is the fight that will teach me that my shadow is not bigger than my light. This is the fight that will teach me that bad feelings don’t mean the end of a relationship. This is the fight that will teach me how to listen to myself, even when it might disappoint others.

And this particular fight will end. Like any storm, it will blow over. And I will forget and you will forget. And then it will come back. And I will need you to hang on to the rope again. I will need this over and over for years.

I know there is nothing inherently satisfying in this job for you. I know I will likely never thank you for it or even acknowledge your side of it. In fact I will probably criticize you for all this hard work. It will seem like nothing you do will be enough. And yet, I am relying entirely on your ability to stay in this fight. No matter how much I argue. No matter how much I sulk. No matter how silent I get.

Please hang on to the other end of the rope. And know that you are doing the most important job that anyone could possibly be doing for me right now.

Love, Your Teenager

Oh god reading this makes me think of my friend and her now 19 year old. She really thinks the world owes her something, can't keep a part time job because it's all beneath her.
Talks to her mum like complete shit, last time she acted horrendously over college I said to my friend as hard as it is for a mother to do you need to leave her to fail now.
You have done everything you can to live, support and look after her. She has no reason to be the way she is. Time to let her hit rock bottom and realise for herself that you are not her enemy.
I'm dreading my DD been a teenager and she's only 2! X

Lots of helpful info here, but just to say don’t judge yourself too harshly. I was one of three...me and my brother largely behaved but my sister went spectacularly off the rails as a teenager despite having exactly the same upbringing. My mum did everything she could and felt enormous guilt but my sister just needed to grow out of it. She’s not especially good at being thankful for all the help my mum gives her still and she’s a bit short-sighted when it comes to her situation vs others but she’s mostly a grown-up and has a job/mortgage/family/etc.

Would just say, your well-behaved daughter may be feeling a bit put out so worth reassuring her while her twin goes off and tries out her independence.

I haven't read the full thread so not sure if this has been mentioned but I did see an article on Facebook that this is a new scam people are doing on Ebay. They also send an empty box to an address in the area so that they can get confirmation item has been delivered, but they never intend on sending item. I think iPhones are popular things at the minute which are part of this scam.

I’m not sure if letting her move in with her boyfriend is the right thing or not but i can guarantee that his mum won’t put up with her shit so maybe it’s worth her trying it and seeing that the world out there isn’t as easy without your mum and dad

Ebay monitor messages and if a phone number or email is written into them they prevent them from being sent and inform you of why- tell you it is against the rules and that if you try again they will close your account.

She used to be very close to my son, he now lives just down the road. In December she went to stay with him for a week after a huge kick off but I couldn't ask him to have her again as he has his own family to concentrate on.

Could it be that she feels a bit left behind now that her brother has his own separate life and his own family? Her actions (e.g. getting a job, getting a 'proper' boyfriend that shes has a physical relationship with) all seem focused on establishing herself as an independent adult, and perhaps she feels this is what she needs to do to 'catch up' with him?

Casting you as the bad guy and rewriting history to make herself the victim also seem motivated by a desire to cut the parental ties and go it alone.

my 'd'd was like yours op, she has very, very low contact with her sibs, none with me according to her i'm dead. tbh i'm past caring,

billybagpuss brilliant post and said everything i was wanting to but didnt know how without getting blasted for saying stick with her please!
we did and i can now say he is one of the mot beautiful people on the planet.she is successful,a manager of two team,lives with her partner of 15 years,travels all over the world.has the best group of friends you could ever want.and comes home any chanc she can to grab her old pjs kept in her top draw and snuggle down with mum and dad.she is strong but amazing.the kind of prson you just want to be around.
and it was because mum and dad stuck by her when she was an absolute horror.
i couldnt love her more.

Personally I think it might be time for some tough love. Stick to house rules if she can't do that she shouldn't be allowed that horrible boyfriend over. I really wouldn't encourage that relationship. I would say she follows the rules or she is out. My Dad did it to me for far less to be honest. She soon see I knew my family loved me and they were good parents on the whole. So yes it was harsh but I learnt I couldn't do what the heck I liked in the family home.

Ebay monitor messages and if a phone number or email is written into them they prevent them from being sent and inform you of why- tell you it is against the rules and that if you try again they will close your account.

RTFT

I fail to see how this is her fault tbh?

@Randomname85 how so?? She paid out a large some of money to someone ‘off’ eBay instead of doing it properly .
She thinks she’s an adult so should deal with it herself .. like an adult

@Canyousendthembackwhen13 the link below might be a good read for to help with your teenager.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/teenagers/3711135-Thread-three-holding-on-to-the-end-of-the-rope-life-in-the-bunker-with-the-PoTs-where-parenting-a-teen-is-adversely-affecting-your-mental-health

Separate to all the other stuff being discussed here, suggest she looks at the attitude PayPal takes to people who open accounts when they're under 18 - AIUI, she runs the risk of the account being closed at any time in the future even once she's over 18.