Help please dd lost money

[Canyousendthembackwhen13]

Help! I have no clue how these things work and am at the end of my tether.

Dd is a royal pain in the ass at the moment. Everything is her way or the highway. Anyway she has recently started a job (she's 16) after dropping out of college and telling me she was going to move out and become independent as I am too oppressive 🙄. The usual teenage angst! After not speaking to me for a few days because I dared to make her the wrong type of pasta for tea she has now come to me and told me she spent £150 on a pair of shoes she bought on eBay. She paid via PayPal apparently and then has received nothing. I asked why she didn't go through eBay itself and she told me the seller asked her not to so as not to pay fees (I could hit my head against a wall at this point as I thought she had more sense).

She's opened a dispute with PayPal and has sent the screenshots of the messages etc. How likely is she to get the money back?

I'm so disappointed and this is all clearly a much bigger picture. She's not the girl I thought anymore and this year has just been one thing after another. I thought her getting a job was her first step towards maturity but she has assured me it's just so she can get away from us.

Please can someone tell me what the chances are that she will get her money back? In some ways I think it will teach her a lesson but in others I think £150 is an expensive lesson.

Sounds like dhs sister. I hate it when adults try to re-write the past and forget that other people were also there.

If I was you I’d take a big step back. If she wants independence give it her. I wasn’t the same at all but I did fail my first year of a levels from partying too much. My mum told me very clearly that if I wanted to stay living at home I’d had to go to college. There were other rules too like earning my own money, paying my phone bill, doing my own washing, no lifts etc. I was 17 and trust me it really helped me grow up. It must have been really hard for my mum as she is naturally very nurturing but I really appreciate that she did it now. I have way more respect for her as a result.

With all that’s going on, serious stuff, you start a thread about this?

Oh OP this is awful the way she behaves.

Let’s forget about the loss of money, let her deal with it and the shoes may yet turn up. It could have been a mix up with the postage label. But don’t be angry about the shoes, tell her we all make mistakes and she has a chance of getting her money back. Of course you can get involved later on when she becomes normal again but don’t tell her that.

Buy her a cheaper pair of shoes for the job so that at least she can be active in her hobby which would be good for her. Or make her pay you back £20/week, put the money aside and when she’s back to her old self give her the money back. As a rule, I always pay for all expenses to do with sports and hobbies and school including transport because I feel it’s my duty to support personal development and education. But I understand not everybody has the same view and I don’t judge it.

It’s the influence of this boy that would worry me most of all as she appears to have changed since being with him. Hopefully this relationship will fizzle out as quickly as it started.

OK so she’s 16 and, technically can do what she wants up to a point.
However, being respectful and kind to you should be the default apart from the odd hormonal and teenage fury and superiority.

You need to tell her in no uncertain terms that you are sick and tired of the way she is treating you, you’d expect more from her and you’d be appalled if she treated a dog in this way let alone her own mother, you raised her better than this, she has a lot going on for her and she needs to get off her high horse and behave like the adult she believes she is. Her behaviour is hurtful and disappointing and she is letting herself down. You are not prepared to interact with her anymore until she shows the respect and decency that is required. You’ll make sure she’s fed, watered, clothed and under a good roof because you take your parental responsibilities seriously and you care about her and you love her but are not prepared to be treated like dirt. Don’t compare her to anybody else. Don’t involve the siblings or DH. Don’t mention the boyfriend. Don’t list the shitty things she’s been doing to you. Don’t accuse item by item. Just tell her how she makes you feel. It’s about your direct relationship with her and at times this needs correcting with some teenagers. You are addressing her behaviour towards you. Keep it very short, be dead serious and if you are angry that’s fine because you have emotions. Then walk away and don’t look at her or talk to her for at least a day. Tell her in the evening so she can process it and have a cry about it.

Or something along those lines. She needs the shock of sent how hurt you are feeling. She’ll feel sorry for her behaviour and change for the better but don’t expect a formal apology.

@Changeembrace I didn't intend to go into all this I originally just wanted advice about the money. I started explaining and I think things have sort of spilled out of me. I thought I'd be ashamed to write it all down and see it in black and white as I feel an utter failure but I actually think it has helped to get some support, even if it is from strangers 💐

This will pass. She is a teenage, her brain is rewiring, it's hideous, I went through it with one of my daughters. I thought it was never going to end, but it did. We can now both look back and laugh (me through slightly gritted teeth). Don't take anything she says personally, please. It's like a monster has possessed your daughter, just blame it on the monster. Keep letting her know you are there for her, but also keep enough of a distance to save your sanity.
The boyfriend sounds dangerous ... he may be using coercive control, and be trying to push her family away. She won't be able to see this. Hang on in there, she needs you.

I'd actively encourage her to move in with the bf. His mother won't be half as smart when she has another mouth to feed and is left cleaning up after your dd. And if she does go, under no circumstances give his mother a penny for her upkeep. She's a grown up now, so she thinks, so let her off and play happy families for as long as bf's mother tolerates her - I'd give her a week! And I wouldn't be too welcoming when she inevitably comes home with her tail between her legs. At that point you would set some pretty strict rules for living at home. Setting rules now probably won't work as she's being a little bitch and will defy you at every turn.

I think next time she came for help re the shoes I'd say

"'That' can't help as it's you're account"

You handled the PayPal/shoes debacle well, the more expensive the lessons, the sooner they are learned. Sounds like you’ve had a lot to deal with.

Regarding Ebay, they don't allow phone numbers or email addresses to be swapped via their platform, to avoid sellers avoiding fees by getting money in other ways. My DH was selling something and sent his email to a buyer but the message was blocked and flagged by Ebay and he was sent a warning.

So I suspect your DD is lying about something in all this.

What she does with her body has nothing to do with you, at 16 she’s old enough to make the decision herself, you didn’t need to also take her to the GP, who is your friend you could have requested another GP or took her to the GUM clinic.

However yes you do have a say if she can have sex in your house, and also have a say if she’s being disrespectful, rude etc...

She’s paid through PayPal, she will need to open a dispute and she will likely get the money back, I’d personally help her with this, but not renew the shoes.

I’d also be setting ground rules, and if she continues to be disrespectful and rude, then I’d do the bare minimum for her, if she moans that the food is wrong, then she cooks her own food, no mobile phone contact, own laundry washing, cleans up after herself, no pocket money, no mum and dad taxi service etc...

If she refuses then she will be left with nothing and learns the hard way.

With all that’s going on, serious stuff, you start a thread about this?

Changeembrace

Yet with al this serious stuff going on, you bothered to read it? Mumsnet really isn't the place for you is it?

OP I agree you've been too soft, but the answer isn't to increase the discipline. It's to take her at her word and expect her to be an adult. It's also not to react when she does or says something. Phone social services? Hand her the phone. Going to the boyfriend's? Tell her to have a good time. No more washing, no more money - she does it/earns it herself.

Tbh, given the boyfriend's mother's responses to you, you can see where he gets it from and what he's passing on to your DD. Ride it out and the old her will come back, but I suspect that will happen quicker if you leave her to her own devices than if you start trying to implement rules. That would make her even more sure that she wanted to be with him not you.

OP , please don't feel you have to explain yourself , what has happened is obviously the tip of the iceberg

If her dad is worried she will leave (and doesn't want her to) then he needs to take some time off work and try to tackle this himself.
It is not fair that it is all on you, and by the sounds of it things have hit crisis point.

If as you say the seller has sent it with tracking PayPal will probably find in their favour. I had a similar thing happen thankfully with an inexpensive item. Never recd it. Seller responded to my PayPal dispute with a tracking number. That was it - case closed.

my brother was like this. completely changed and exaggerated our childhood, was awful to my mum called her some of the most disgraceful things. looking back on it he had a lot of father issues (his dad and my mum separated when he was around 3) that were easier to take out and blame on my mum as she was the one who actually gave a shit - the dad wouldn't of cared even if he did rant and rave at him, would of ignored him.

he moved out to be with my dad, realised how well my mum actually treated him and came back. he still lives at my mums now at 23 (no judgement just giving full picture)

my point is 2 things. firstly, see it as a sign that she actually knows you care for her and love her. if you didnt then this stuff and the way she is wouldn't upset you so much. she knows that. as twisted and not right it is I assume she is very comfortable with you. her lack of respect is an issue but hopefully she will grow up soon and look back on this and be appalled with her attitude. my brother cringes now if we bring it up.

secondly, rather than be worried about her moving out I'd call her bluff. if she doesn't go then great nomore emotional blackmail to her father (you mentioned hes fearful she will actually leave) and if she does that could also be a blessing in disguise as she will most likely realise the grass isnt greener and actually she had it pretty good with mum and dad.

I moved out nearly 3 years ago and as much as having independence is nice I do occasionally miss having my washing and cooking done for me

I think in PayPal cases like this, you/she needs to call up and get a human to manually check the address of the tracking number there and then. Whilst the case may be automatically closed in the scammer’s favour, PayPal allows you to appeal

I agree with Branster

Do that, and leave her to deal with the PayPal/eBay problem.

and I realised I never answered the original question. no experience with ebay/PayPal here but seems that is just a snippet of the overall bigger issue you're facing. for the record, sounds like you're a great mum.

YABU regarding the shoes/paypal, and the boyfriend/sex. I would rather my 16yo having sex with condoms safely at home than unprotected sex in public/car/god knows where. At least you know where she is.

I don't think you've been too soft, you've been brilliant to take her to the GP and ensure she is using contraception.

The teenage hormone years ARE hideous. It will pass. Unfortunately, I know I'm going against the grain here, but just putting up with her and taking a step back is probably what she needs. So what if she is sleeping with her boyfriend? She is in love. Weren't we all like that at her age? Isn't it better it's happening in the safety of your home than God knows where?
I had pretty soft, permissive parents. I used to smuggle my boyfriend in too aged 16/17! They kind of turned a blind eye, it wasn't really spoken about. So no issue.

You can just be her friend too.
Constantly arguing will damage the relationship and she is clearly trying to rebel against anything and everything right now. Perhaps if you were permissive, she'd respect you more, and also learn where to draw the line..?
(Re: the shoes, yes an expensive mistake. And of course you don't need to replace them. She can find some secondhand ones)

She may not be lying about the phone number, there are ways around that, that I have seen people use.

I also vote you don’t pay for the new shoes. She can’t expect you to pull that kind of money out of nowhere. Hopefully PayPal will assist her but eBay won’t get involved. In terms of her behaviour l vote boundaries and yeah let her crack on with social services

So sorry you're going through this. With some teenagers you just want a fast forward button.

She seems fond of money and luxury goods, so I imagine if she does go and stay with the boyfriend it won't last long, because his mum will have to charge her rent and won't be able to claim any kind of benefit for her. His mum sounds a really nasty woman and whereas I'm sure she can be nice to your daughter for a while, once she is living there that will change. Who wants another teenager living there making a mess and not contributing financially? So if she does threaten that, I'd just say, "You must do whatever you think best" and let her go. Then enjoy the peace for a while.

How does she get on with her twin? Would it be possible for you to spend more time with her twin outside the house?