To be upset about the name for my nice

[MadHouseUpNorth]

My sister had a baby girl last week and announced the name today. The middle name is the same as my other nice first name. AIBU for being upset over this? Girls have always been preferred in the family. I have boys that nobody really cared much about them and I feel a bit left out... Not that I would expect her to use on of the boys name for her baby girl’ middle name but seems like a really insensitive decision...I’ve also left the house for uni at 18 and never come back, while the two of them stayed and are quite close together. I’ve not been asked to be a bridesmaid at her wedding either and it’s all coming back to me today. Tell me do I behave like 5 year old?

What @Dacquoise said.

I honestly don't see the problem. If they both had the same first name, it could cause confusion between the cousins, but presumably the middle name won't be used much. Why is this personally upsetting to you? Is it that you hoped the child would be named after you or another relative?

I got the same as Tarty.

@MadHouseUpNorth I think you know you’re being unreasonable, but it is ok to be upset about feeling left out. Have a quick wallow then move on

@MadHouseUpNorth What do you want to the outcome to be?

If I follow your posts correctly, you reduced contact with your sisters because you were jealous about their close relationship, then felt hurt because they seemingly didn't notice you pulling away and if anything, seemed to become even closer. (As evidenced by how they've named their children.)

If they didn't notice your upset then, they won't notice it now.

The way I see it, you can either continue to silently hurt at being left out, or you can gently confront your sisters about how you feel and try to rebuild a relationship. You may never be as close to them as they are to each other - it does sound like you've had different life experiences - but you could be closer than you are now.

Would that make you happy, or would building a relationship with them only compound the feelings of hurt if you could never get onto an even level?

You need to decide what would make you feel better, before you then consider what can be done to get you to that point. It may well be staying low contact is the best option for you.

Incidentally, the people I feel the strongest bond with aren't my blood siblings, they are dear friends I regard as the family I chose because we have shared interests and experiences. You may find more happiness in working on your friendships outside your family and replicating that bond between your two sisters between you and a non-blood related friend.

I wish you all the best in finding your happiness.

Poor thing.
I understood your post very clearly, OP.
I think, above all, you're still processing what has perhaps been an unhappy family life with people who haven't cared enough to make you feel loved and secure for probably your entire life. It's a hell of a lot to process.
I wouldn't give the names a second thought.
But you are feeling hurt and you need to explore this more.
But there is a grieving that comes with this. Maybe you're grieving for a closeness you never had. It's never too late to try and build bridges.
Be proud of the love and dedication you have given to your sons. You left home at a young age and struck out on your own. There's much to be admired in that!

I think you should rise above it all and carry on with your own life

YABU to interpret this as a tribute/honour to the first niece, or something the sisters have done on purpose to show how close they are. They probably just both liked the name. If anything it may have caused bad feelings between the two - "you've stolen my name!".

Don’t understand. My eldest and my Brice have the same middle name. After my mum ( and in my case it’s MIL middle name , conveniently too ).
The usual “ no one owns a name “

It’s not a name that has been used in the family - the two nieces are the only ones given it, even if you were to go generations back. But some of you are right, issues are deeper than the name. I’ve felt isolated for years, there’s been ups and downs but I never fitted in. I love my boys to bits, have a great job, fairly careless life and the only thing that I’ve wanted to have those two humans letting me join their gang. If tried believe me. When my youngest DS was born, we’ve driven all the way down to where they are, 6 hours plus a ferry, so they could meet him. We’ve been given an hour of their attention one evening, the remaining days we’ve spent in the AirBnb and pottering around the town on our own.That’s not the only story like that either.

Okay - so you're not included in your sisters' relationship. That must be very difficult for you.

But I still don't understand how their choices of baby names equates to your distress on this subject. The two things are simply not cause and effect.

andyjusthangingaround

But she had returned, and had (and has) ignored the very, very many PPs saying they don't understand and please explain so they can give advice, or opinions, which is why she posted on here.

Can't give an opinion if you can't follow. Counting the number of PPs who are saying some version of "eh?" it's more than half!!!!

Unless your ds have names used for either gender ( ie Jordan,Cameron) or ones that are close (Alexander/Alexandra/Alexis) I'm not sure what the issue really is. If you are low contact why is this so irritating. Tbh I was peeved initially that sil used ds middle name as a forename for dn but it seems your dsis is flattered. Is it a traditional family name?

I have a feeling that the babies' names are actually irrelevant, and that the OP has missed out a large chunk of narrative.

She may think that she has stated things clearly - but most of us who have responded do not.

Ok @MadHouseUpNorth

the only thing that I’ve wanted to have those two humans letting me join their gang

youngest of 3 here and this resonates. Elder two routinely excluded me from early childhood, with the nastiness only increasing with age.

They will NEVER let you in their gang, and if it's anything like my situation they have NO IDEA who you are, you are whatever they decided you were as children, and regardless of how you have changed, they will remain with the "golden child" or "whiny brat" or whatever it is they rejected you for as a child, with a belligerent refusal to accept an adult has displaced this. They want, for reasons of their own to keep you in your box.

The consolation? In my case anyway, their toxic us vs the rest dynamic has finally imploded with an argument that cannot be resolved. They will never be as close as they were again, but I will never enjoy such a closeness with either. We are all in and around 40, it's too late.

When I truly examine the behaviour, of the eldest, I realise that having no relationship is better than having one, as they are a truly awful person. Increasingly, I've realised they have over time badly damaged our other sibling with their toxicity.

I will never forgive them as the dysfunction between us is entirely of their making.

There might be other things you’re justified to feel upset about, but this honestly isn’t one of them.

The problem with feeling left out whether it's your family or a friendship group is that the more you strive to be included and 'fail' the worse you feel. You can end up feeling that you are unlovable or unlikeable in some way which isn't true. The people excluding you are probably oblivious to the pain they are causing you and don't want to change the dynamic. Perhaps the best solution is to stop trying, to step away and to find a 'gang' that does include you. So much pain is caused by trying to get others to treat you the way you would like. Letting go is being kind to yourself.

@TheMustressMhor it's really not hard to figure out, stop being deliberately obtuse. Her children have minimal contact with her nieces, who are their cousins. Now her nieces share a name, and this is a further sign of how pushed out OP feels by her two sisters. It's just another example of how close they are, and how excluded OP feels.
They don't bother with her, she's made the effort to visit and they still don't bother, they couldn't care less about her DSs if they didn't see them for longer than an hour when OP visited, she'd not been asked to be a bridesmaid where as the other sister has, and now to top it all off, they're so close one sister has named her baby after the other sister's baby. She's not bothered about the name itself, it's that it's another thing that is making her feel pushed out by her sisters, who she clearly wants to be closer to.

It’s really not hard to understand the op, she feels left out of her family, even more so now her sister has a baby girl.

I think people do this picking apart of peoples posts to look intelligent but really it’s unsupprtive and unkind.

I can understand how hurt you must be feeling in terms of your sisters being closer to each other rather than you. Maybe you’re using the same name situation to further verify in your mind that they’re closer.

My advice is don’t crave a relationship that’s not going to happen. Make some good girlfriends and trust me sisters are not all they’re cut out to be! Sometimes friends give us more love and support than family.

Hope you feel better x

Forgot to add - have you got cousins who have boys maybe? You could develop friendships with other relatives. I really hope you feel better. I haven’t read all the comments I read like the first 5. People on here can be very nasty! Please try to block out if your mind the negativity and focus on any positive suggestions you’ve been given

Look on the bright side, at least it's easier to remember?

I know you are upset and feel left out, it's ok to feel sad but you would not want to be around them all the time, they are not really that nice.

Just keep your head down and keep going, yes some people wont like you but they are the wrong kind of people.

It's such a heartache. We don't choose our families.
OP, I've been (pardon the cringe factor here-->) 'building my village' for years. As sad as I am about not having an extended family, there's this wonderful sense of 'Great! I don't have to give a shit about poeple I don't like' sense of liberation! I can surround myself with kind people. They may not be family. But over the years, these friends have become family to me.
Your sisters sound pretty horrible. And even if they are family, maybe it's time to ask yourself why you want to be so close to such unhappy people, unkind people. They're not going to change. They're missing out on having a loving relationship with you. More fool them! It's their loss!

your not alone in how your feeling op.its horrible when you are part of third.as its rare one isnt or cetainly feels on the outers. it can make people crumple.but it doesnt have to.you can move on from this but you have to let yourself.and that comes with accepting the situation and also accepting that this isnt about you and how good or lovely you are.its about them and how things have happened to fall.it could have been any of you it happened to.
but that doesnt stop it hurting.but it does help you see that its not your fault.and you must move on.the longer you linger on thi the more you will hate yoruself and the more you will yearn to be part of it.and you will wonder why your not and blame some part of nyoruelf for it.and resent them and then become bitter.and then the cycle will start again. so time to step out of the circle and make your own star!

I think you’re simply projecting emotions from your childhood into this rather insignificant situation.

When you wrote about not being part of their gang, you got to the heart of the problem. You feel excluded by your siblings. You could try to sit with your sisters and tell them how you feel. From what you have said this is unlikely to change the fact that they will remain closer to each other than to you, even if you all make lots of effort. You could still feel like an outsider. I think it would be better to accept this and look for support and emotional connections from friends. This will increase your self esteem and stop you focussing on little details like names which are really not that important.