AIBU to ask this child to leave the group?

[Throwawaytheatre]

I run a youth group on a voluntary basis one night a week; and I am also active in local politics.

We have a child in our group who’s mother seems to have it out for me, and I’m seriously considering asking her to leave. I already know I would be unreasonable to actually do this; but please tell me I’m not unreasonable to feel this way.

Twice after I have voted a certain way in LG meetings, that the mother didn’t agree with she has sent me massive and aggressive rants via social media.

Just before Christmas her daughter snuck alcohol into the group Xmas party. We found out about it when her sister disclosed it the following week. We followed our policy; kept a written log of the conversation and contacted home. We also got all the children together and informed them in pretty strong terms that anyone bringing alcohol on site would be asked to leave; and they had all been warned.

I then get a message saying I’ve been reported to social services for letting kids drink alcohol...

Finally, we sent a letter home with a permission slip. The letter comes back with “I’m a dumb blonde so hope I’ve signed this in the right place” and three signatures randomly across the page. None on the actual permission slip, and a PS asking me to confirm my policy on letting kids drink alcohol...

She’s just sent me another essay via her daughter’s social media accusing me of endangering children apparently because during the trip we took them on, there were four boys and one girl in one of the cars - I’ve blocked that account as well (I wasn’t friends with her on the platform) but I so wanted to reply asking why she still sends her daughter to the youth group if she’s so worried!

This is a rant, this isn’t the right forum and this is probably also outing but I don’t care. I work a stressful full time job which often requires me to work outside of office hours, and have suffered with on and off depression since I was sixteen. I have attempted suicide three times in the last ten years. I feel like I try to do what I can with my local community - helping with groups and charities and whatever and right now I just want to scream and pack it all in and tell them all to go duck themselves.

Sorry for my rant

Oops apologies OP have now caught up with your later post explaining the nature of the club - as no committee or formal processes to observe, do what @Longwhiskers14 suggests:

Before you throw the daughter out for good (which you should), I would do as katy1213 recommends and send a letter to all parents reminding them that abusive and threatening behaviour towards volunteers by parents could result in their child being banned from the group. Then send another letter saying that her daughter broke the rules and put other youngsters at risk bringing alcohol against the rules and she needs to leave. When the mum kicks off, bring the policy outlined in letter #1 into play. Both got rid off, all above board, job done.

Pack it in and look after yourself. I'm sure it's someone else's turn to contribute.

I don't blame you for wanting to shut the club down, but make sure you explain why to everyone - because you're being hounded - and that it's not seen as an admission of guilt about giving the kids alcohol and the allegations of you being drunk at an event.

I really would go to the police about this harassment.
The dumb blonde comment was weird. Does she think you called her that?

Throwaway, I see this madwoman has ramped up her abuse to the point you feel you want to close the club. I am so sorry you have been unfairly pushed to this point.

Only you can decide if you are best off to continue, suspend, or close the club, & I wish you peace in whichever decision is best for you.
However ... even of you close the club, PLEASE ensure you protect yourself, as closure may not stop the madwoman's campaign against you. So whatever you decide, please take the advice of PP below: you also need to ensure you have sent a clear email/message to the madwoman stating that her harrassment & abuse are unacceptable & that she is not to contact you again.
You need to save that "do not contact me" message, it's what the police need in place to be able to take formal action against ongoing harrassment.

I would send one message back to the woman asking her to go through the other coordinator as her behaviour was inappropriate and any further contact will be classes as harassment and you’ll be reporting it to the police. I’d also contact your local police to formally register the harassment should it escalate.

Well obviously it is the mothers right to see the policies and procedures and absolutely you should make them accessible. Closing the group won,t go well now (imagine why did it close? Oh I don,t know rumours of alcohol and bullying). I do think you should get some advice though.

Oh OP my heart went out to you reading your post and updates. How horrible. Some people are just vile and have so little in their life they need to tear others down to fell better about themselves. You do not have to put up with it. Xx

Don't close it down. That's what she wants.
She is A BAD PERON, do not let her win.

Call a meeting with all the parents. She has to be stopped.

If it’s affecting ops mental health why on earth should she keep going?! It doesn’t matter what it looks like or that kids are missing out - she shouldn’t have to feel guilty about that, she’s already giving a 1000x more to the community than most have given. While it’s a shame, time to think of number 1

I realise I sound conflicted in last post, copied and posted previous posters reply and thought it would come up in bold...how little I know

I've been thinking about this a bit more, and have a few suggestions based on the way we run things in our club that I wondered might be helpful if you do decide to continue. They are not intended as any criticism of the way you do things now - you sound great - I just thought it might be helpful to hear how other clubs run, since you don't have the ready made support network that comes with belonging to a big umbrella organisation.
We have official club email addresses and social media accounts that all the committee have access too and these are the ONLY means of communication with us that the parents have. We don't give out our private email addresses and wouldn't respond to any club business if a parent did somehow get hold of them. We just use free email accounts. One club just has one that we all use, so just a generic [email protected] and the other club has separate ones for each role - [email protected], [email protected] and so on.
We have a Social Media policy which includes that club officials will not accept friend requests from any club member or their family members and that we will not respond to any contact through our personal social media accounts. As one of the clubs is really quite large it is inevitable that some of the committee know some of the parents for other reasons. We don't insist that anyone deletes a long standing friend because their child happens to join the club but we are absolutely strict about not having any of the kids as social media contacts and not using personal accounts to talk about club business even with our close friends and relatives. I find it really useful to keep club business separate from the rest of my life and it is easier to keep accurate records of who has said what. One club has a WhatsApp group but it is quite tightly regulated. Parents have to sign a form to say that they want to join the group and under 18s cannot join. It is one way traffic only and we really only use it to send out messages about training or matches being cancelled as it is the quickest way to get urgent messages out. Only a couple of the coaches are admins. We both use our work or cheap PAYG phonesas our number for that group rather than our personal numbers, for privacy. (We have a private committee group too so not everyone needs to be on the parents' group.)
As several people have already suggested, a code of conduct for parents and members is very useful. We do it a bit like the Home - School Agreements that lots of schools use now. There are 3 sections, and the child, parent and a club official all sign 2 copies. We keep one and they take the other. It gets renewed every year and is very clear about consequences of failure to comply.
Even though you are only a small club, I would strongly suggest you appoint a Welfare Officer if you don't have one. In both our clubs the rule is that this cannot be a coach, so there is a little bit of independence. If a parent wants to raise a concern, they have to go through the Welfare Officer and wouldn't deal directly with the Coach. It also gives the kids someone different to talk to if they are worried about anything. Ours do the same Level 2 , sports specific online Safeguarding training as the coaches, and also do things like make sure everyone's safeguarding, DBS and first aid certificates are up to date. Its often really useful to have another adult around who isn't actually coaching, just for stuff like if a kid wants to sit out for a bit - they are supervised and the coaches can continue to give their full attention to the others.
We also have parents' reps and a kids' reps on our committees. We don't have a lot of meetings but I think it helps to have formal representation as they do sometimes have good ideas, the parents reos are often more successful about getting people to volunteer for jobs than the coaches are, and it helps make sure everything is transparent.
Sorry, that's ended up a bit of a ramble. All this kind of stuff takes time and it is a PITA really, but unfortunately with the way the world is going, clubs and those that run them need to protect themselves. Making things more formal is a necessary evil these days I'm afraid, and we have found taking these steps helps our clubs to run smoothly.
I hope you are able to find a way to continue without too much cost to yourself. You sound like a very commited person who puts a lot into the community.

Document everything including screenshots

Contact the local authority safeguarding lead and also the security manager at the council who will have guidance on harassment

Go to the police on your way home from work

Advise the parents that you have been receiving threatening and abusive messages from one of them across all forms of social media and other roles

Cancel this week's meeting to give a space and agree a way forward with your partner

Advise mum that the child can no longer attend as the relationship between the volunteer leaders and parent.

GO TO THE POLICE. Seriously, the escalation is really worrying and you need to take your own welfare seriously. Again in case I was subtle

GO TO THE POLICE TOMORROW - it will not get better

With the mother being the way she is then removing her daughter could open a huge can of worms via social media.

An alternative would be to close the entire club down. Then a week later form a new club (new name etc.) by invitation only and don't invite problem child.

She's obnoxious, her child probably isn't much better. Do you have a line manager of sorts who you can provide with all the evidence and ask them to address the problem?

As a volunteer you are not required to tolerate behaviour which is abusive from anyone.

Wow, her behaviour is outrageous. Has she got anyone senior you could go to, you mention you both have a role in local politics?

@hazell42,

Did you miss the bit where the daughter brought alcohol to the Christmas party? The OP has every right to ban the girl for that alone.

As a volunteer, running a voluntary club and giving their own time and money to do so, the OP is under no obligation to anyone. Yes, it's a shame to have to close the group. But nobody should be made to feel guilty for walking away from a voluntary role.

I would, in your position, go to a solicitor or your local police for advice though. This woman doesn't sound like she's going to go quietly.

I just wanted to add op that if you do decide to close the club, please tell the other parents why. Don’t name names but tell them about harassment and intimidation by another parent.

In the OP you mention girls sister, but only mention banning Mum and girl what is going to happen to sister

Yep ban her arse
You need to be very official though. Headed notepaper.
Write "We write to inform you that due to a number of incidents which have been detrimental to the enjoyment of both the members and volunteers of the Group, we are no longer able to invite you or your child to take part and from (date) (name) will be asked to leave the premises if you attend."
Then list the incidents including her behaviour.

That way if she does start causing bollocks you will have a copy of it and can say that the incidents speak for themselves.

This mother is batshit crazy. She constantly complains about you, making out like you are a danger to her child but still sends her to your club. I don't blame you for wanting to shut the group down.

@Throwawaytheatre

Before you do anything, talk to your clerk/support in local government. There will be a policy about harassment, vexatious complaints etc. While the complaints have mainly been aimed at your club the policy may be relevant for part of it, especially using your gov address.

Be aware, she will likely continue her harassment, but now aimed at your local gov role. She'll blame you for closing the club down so her darling can't go.

I'm also in a local gov role, and have had some of this aimed at me. Vexatious complaints, code of conduct complaints and so on.

I can totally understand why you want to take a break and close the club but as PP said, you need to do this very carefully and ensure there are no lingering accusations that could rebound on your professional life. Reporting these to the various authorities PPs mentioned so you are following the right processes and being transparent seems the best way of doing this, but do also report the harassment. I hope you have people IRL to support you through this, you sound awesome, committed and dedicated to helping children and your community which is lucky to have you.

How'd things go today, @Throwawaytheatre ?

What did the LADO advise?