AIBU to ask this child to leave the group?

[Throwawaytheatre]

I run a youth group on a voluntary basis one night a week; and I am also active in local politics.

We have a child in our group who’s mother seems to have it out for me, and I’m seriously considering asking her to leave. I already know I would be unreasonable to actually do this; but please tell me I’m not unreasonable to feel this way.

Twice after I have voted a certain way in LG meetings, that the mother didn’t agree with she has sent me massive and aggressive rants via social media.

Just before Christmas her daughter snuck alcohol into the group Xmas party. We found out about it when her sister disclosed it the following week. We followed our policy; kept a written log of the conversation and contacted home. We also got all the children together and informed them in pretty strong terms that anyone bringing alcohol on site would be asked to leave; and they had all been warned.

I then get a message saying I’ve been reported to social services for letting kids drink alcohol...

Finally, we sent a letter home with a permission slip. The letter comes back with “I’m a dumb blonde so hope I’ve signed this in the right place” and three signatures randomly across the page. None on the actual permission slip, and a PS asking me to confirm my policy on letting kids drink alcohol...

She’s just sent me another essay via her daughter’s social media accusing me of endangering children apparently because during the trip we took them on, there were four boys and one girl in one of the cars - I’ve blocked that account as well (I wasn’t friends with her on the platform) but I so wanted to reply asking why she still sends her daughter to the youth group if she’s so worried!

This is a rant, this isn’t the right forum and this is probably also outing but I don’t care. I work a stressful full time job which often requires me to work outside of office hours, and have suffered with on and off depression since I was sixteen. I have attempted suicide three times in the last ten years. I feel like I try to do what I can with my local community - helping with groups and charities and whatever and right now I just want to scream and pack it all in and tell them all to go duck themselves.

Sorry for my rant

Reply to her message demanding to see policies etc by saying something like

"No need for you to see copies of the policies and my DBS as your daughters are no longer welcome at the group. I run this club as a volunteer, giving up my own time and money to do so and I do not deserve this kind of harassment. Please do not bring your children again, and if I have any more correspondence from you, I will be call g the police. Do not contact me again."

Dunno if that would help?

I don't blame you jacking the whole thing in though, I had to step away from a kids club I used to help with because of one or two of them, they were so rude and the parents just laughed. I didn't need need to give up two nights a week to be told I was fat and useless by a bunch of 12 year olds...

You sound lovely. Please don't let the scumbag win. As for her daughter, sounds like she takes after her chavvy mom. Lost cause. Kick her out!

OP, do report this woman’s harassment and continued false allegations to the police as this will help build up a case/ log incidents should you or the police need to take further action.

I’m so sorry you’ve been put in this position. You are a star to the community doing much more than most people so don’t for one moment feel you leave early etc. What an enormous shame but for your own sanity you have to close your club and it is not your fault, do not believe that for a second. It is completely her fault. Flowers for you x x

If the parents of the other kids ask you why you are closing down I would make a point of letting them know that this woman and her kids are the only reason. Let them do what they want with the information.

I think you need to be very careful
If at all possible, get someone else to send messages that need to be sent home, as she obviously has an axe to grind
But I would not ban the child because of the mother's behaviour. That is not really defensible in law (no matter how tempting it may be)
I would ensure that I was not left alone with either mother or daughter
I would make sure that any disciplinary measures are taken by others
If necessary, I would get someone else to send a letter to the mother to say that in view of her intimidating behaviour, the mother is not allowed to come to the club, but the child is welcome.
Any communication is to be in writing, and addressed to: [someone else]
This might (but probably won't) take the heat out of the situation, but if it doesn't you will have witnesses and a paper trail to show that you have treated her child fairly. After all, the kid can't help having a nightmare mother
At the end of the day, if your mental health is taking too much of a bashing, quit, and volunteer with someone else. You can give back to the community without having to allow members of that community to tear you apart.

I would agree with pretty much everything everyone else has said. I would also say on safeguarding grounds, ban the other kid; she has already shown that she is fully willing and able to put the other children at risk by bringing alcohol into the group. Not sure if anyone has already said this as I haven't (and can't be bothered tbh lol) looked through all 5 pages of this post.

Have you contacted the LADO?
She has made an allegation that you supplied children with alcohol. Regardless of whether it is true or not you need to inform the LADO and follow their advice.

I've just seen - she is also slandering you; this is definitely worth a word with the police.

I'm sorry you're in this predicament.
I think that volunteers (as well as salaried employees working with children) often tolerate terrible behaviour and abuse because of a notion of not wanting kids to miss out.
There has to come a point where you say ,"enough," and service users have to realise that their behaviour has consequences. This girl is old enough to know that her behaviour (not to mention the mother's) is out-of-order, so it really is OK to boot her out.
However, bear in mind that if you close the whole group down, you might give this woman free rein to spread it around that she got it closed down for malpractice, and the fact that you instigated the closure (for excellent and understandable reasons) might get lost in the mud-slinging.
I don't blame you though.

I just wanted to send some moral support OP. I am involved in voluntary youth work too but fortunately both the clubs I help run are affiliated to national bodies that I am 99% certain would support me if I was in a situation such as yours. If this happened in our clubs I would be seeking legal advice from our governing bodies' legal affairs departments We also have the benefit of national policies, which can be a bit of a pain at times but do protect us. I can see that you don't have that back up, and whilst half of me is inwardly screaming "Noo, don't let the crazy bitch win!" I can see that as a private individual you are very exposed. I would have the back up of a huge organisation, which would make fighting back an awful lot easier. Do what you feel is right for you.
It really is awful how some parents treat the volunteers who give freely of their time and expertise to help young people. You don't deserve it.

I wouldn't stop a child because of their mother's behaviour but any child bringing alcohol to an under 18 party shouldn't be allowed to come. Do Social Services know about the family ?

OP are you a member of a union? Even though this has not happened via your paid employment it is potentially harmful to your professional reputation.

DO NOT REPLY to her - seek professional advice from a union / citizens advice first.

I had never heard of LADO (local authority designated officer) until I googled it.

I think the response (from your friend) should be that you are escalating this to the LADO and that you will be following their advice. And then do just that.

Safeguarding also involves keeping yourself safe and not open to complaints and accusations.

I would be asking the mother to withdraw her daughter if she feels you pose a risk and complain to the appropriate authorities.

You do need to have some policies in place to protect yourself and others, and also have a code of conduct for the children, parents and helpers so everyone knows where they stand and that breach of this means expulsion.

You may wish to bring up her actions at the next meeting and have it minuted that she poses a risk to you and the group. I would also raise the issue of the possibility of the group stopping to protect yourself and have this minuted.

I think someone (but not you) needs to send a letter to the mum making it very clear personal harassment towards you will not be tolerated.

It needs to be made very clear- any further harassment will be forwarded to the police and children immediately banned from using the club.

I would be very careful in how you handle her complaints OP. She sounds determined to bad mouth you. If possible, I’d suggest your colleague deals with her, not you personally.

Do you have an incident report of what happened and a record of communication since the alcohol event? If not, then please write up an incident report and have it witnessed by your colleague/members of your group if that’s appropriate. Make sure you have it all documented as it happened.

I’d copy all that to the police, reporting harassment. Your insurance company may also provide advice on this, so it might be worth contacting them.

Absolutely remove her kids from your group though. She sounds like a nightmare.

Honestly, this is why people don’t want to get involved in running clubs etc anymore as others who don’t want to help stand from the sidelines and cast untrue / unfair statements instead of doing something pro active like getting involved themselves to help !

^ but also give the mum your safeguarding conduct and also, give her an opportunity to make a formal complaint to the club (but not you!)

This Mother is throwing her weight around too much and if I were you, I would think the best move is to put it in the hands of a solicitor in the very least. Our Solicitor has served a cease and desist letter early December on someone who has been harassing us via several mediums and so far, the legal letter has worked and he hasn't contacted us again.

Be careful in closing the club it doesn't look like shes uncovered some dirty secret. She will have a field day with that and it could easily bit you professionally!

There's always one that has to spoil it for the majority. Volunteering can be a thankless task sometimes especially where children parents are concerned.
I totally get why you've decided to disband the group, it just seems such a shame for the other members.

Keep records and evidence as shutting the group down might not shut her down and you may need to involve the police at a later date. I really hope not.

She’s demanded a copy of all our policies, chaperone rotas and DBS checks within 14 days.

I think she can fuck right off.

I would seriously send copies of all of her frankly batshit communication and make a complaint to the police for harassment. 2 messages is all it takes for you to complain under the Malicious Telecommunications act. Obviously, you don’t want her turning into mad messagezilla, but I don’t see why she should get away with this.

Jeez, it was her daughter that brought the bloody alcohol! This woman is clearly a few tools missing from the toolbox.

YANBU, but do not, DO NOT take this action unilaterally.

You seem pretty switched on & professional so apologies as you are probably already aware of potential repercussions ... but so long as you have the full support of your committee & every process & decision documented & signed off, yeah, do it.

The poor daughter, having a mother like that - but the mother clearly thinks she's cleverer than she actually is, & is not going to back off with the needling.
Your only option is to get rid - do it, but do it with the forensic care of a person walking a tightrope over a room full of hungry tigers.

Don't close it down. That's what she wants.
She is A BAD PERON, do not let her win.

Call a meeting with all the parents. She has to be stopped.