AIBU to ask this child to leave the group?

[Throwawaytheatre]

I run a youth group on a voluntary basis one night a week; and I am also active in local politics.

We have a child in our group who’s mother seems to have it out for me, and I’m seriously considering asking her to leave. I already know I would be unreasonable to actually do this; but please tell me I’m not unreasonable to feel this way.

Twice after I have voted a certain way in LG meetings, that the mother didn’t agree with she has sent me massive and aggressive rants via social media.

Just before Christmas her daughter snuck alcohol into the group Xmas party. We found out about it when her sister disclosed it the following week. We followed our policy; kept a written log of the conversation and contacted home. We also got all the children together and informed them in pretty strong terms that anyone bringing alcohol on site would be asked to leave; and they had all been warned.

I then get a message saying I’ve been reported to social services for letting kids drink alcohol...

Finally, we sent a letter home with a permission slip. The letter comes back with “I’m a dumb blonde so hope I’ve signed this in the right place” and three signatures randomly across the page. None on the actual permission slip, and a PS asking me to confirm my policy on letting kids drink alcohol...

She’s just sent me another essay via her daughter’s social media accusing me of endangering children apparently because during the trip we took them on, there were four boys and one girl in one of the cars - I’ve blocked that account as well (I wasn’t friends with her on the platform) but I so wanted to reply asking why she still sends her daughter to the youth group if she’s so worried!

This is a rant, this isn’t the right forum and this is probably also outing but I don’t care. I work a stressful full time job which often requires me to work outside of office hours, and have suffered with on and off depression since I was sixteen. I have attempted suicide three times in the last ten years. I feel like I try to do what I can with my local community - helping with groups and charities and whatever and right now I just want to scream and pack it all in and tell them all to go duck themselves.

Sorry for my rant

The mother sounds deranged. What does she mean you do nothing for the town? I'm willing to bet you do a lot more than her, sounds like you do a lot for the community and she's probably jealous you're a better role model and more well known than she is.
I would suggest being careful on a couple of things. The alcohol wasn't your fault but maybe at things like the Christmas party you could ask for extra volunteers, although I know it's not easy but it would be worth it for piece of mind. Was it true what she said about the car? If it was I would be worried about safety too.
For everything else though and especially how abusive she's been you are not being unreasonable. I agree with others. Send the letter about treating staff with respect and zero tolerance for abusive behaviour and include your policies and procedures. Then when the mum kicks off again tell her, her children are no longer welcome at the club. It's a shame for them but you shouldn't have to put up her behaviour.

@rosebel

Due to being a small group with limited funds when we took our kids on a trip to a professional “table tennis” event (Which we entirely funded; mostly out of mine and my friends pockets), we took two cars rather than hire a minibus.

This woman’s child was not on the trip, and all travel arrangements were communicated with parents before hand. Both drivers were DBS checked; the journey was 35 minutes to the next town and their were adults of both genders present.

The woman has now contacted me through my local government email address! Duck this shit. I’m closing the group down. I’m done.

Say this:-

My big question is - if she honestly feels our safeguarding is inadequate why send your child to our group?

And said in view of her feelings you think it’s best her child doesn’t attend anymore.

That seems a shame, OP.

I'd honestly think about getting some legal advice - she's harassing you.

Contact the local police - this woman is harassing you and it needs to stop. What you’re doing is valuable for the community and she’s a bloody idiot. Don’t let her ruin it.

Sending big virtual hugs. It sounds like you could do with some! In the plus side look how much support you have on here. That rarely ever happens on MN!

Social media is an absolute git. It seems to be par for the course that anyone in the public eye ends up with a barrage of unwarranted abuse online at some point. It's totally wrong and unfair but you'd be doing yourself a favour to swat up on ways of managing it and coping with the ill effects. I think there are quite a few celebs and politicians who are quite outspoken about it and you might get some helpful tips from them. It's worth a try!

Empty vessels make the most noise.

She is certainly clanging loudly and out of tune and probably projecting her own fears.

Success and worth do not rely on being well known.

I'd report her to the police at this point. harassment.

Take deep breath and do not allow her to win. So what is she emailed you at work block and get your friend to email her that she is no longer welcome in the group. I ca assure you people will know what she is like. I run a group and every so often we remove someone from the group. They always send multiple emails and post on social media we just remove what we can and ignore the rest. It is amazing how nothing ever happens.

In this case I would be raising a safeguarding issue about the daughter as well due to her having access to alcohol which she was facilitated to bring to an event.

If she ramps up keep screen shots of everything so far and report to the police

Get rid. Stop mucking about! No need to close the whole group down because of this stupid cow.

^We had this against my friend at the youth group we ran. We sent out a letter saying that due to abusive behaviour from a parents (not naming any names) we were considering terminating the group.
Cue big outcry from all the parents demanding to know who it was and trying to find out.
The parent was a quite as a mouse after that. Bully’s don’t like being unpopular.^

This ^

She sounds like an absolute fruitcake! I bet you’re not the only one she’s bullying. She will likely be well known to teachers and other group leaders.

I'm so sorry, the woman sounds completely deranged.

Don't you just hate social media sometimes?

It would be a great shame if you felt you had to give up the group which is obviously beneficial to the kids involved, just because of one ignorant parent. What do other parents say and your friend with whom you run the group?

Good luck whatever happens.

Italics fail!

I think this just touched too close to home, as I struggled with friends at school due to my sexuality and not really fitting in

Do you mean you're gay? Does she know? Maybe that's why she is has it in for you? I hope not

YANBU. You don't get paid enough well at all for that type of shit.

I think you need to screenshot everything. Send a cease and desist and then if she contacts you again you report to the police for harrassment.

Ring 101 and report her harassment. Her child cannot attend the group any more.

Just explain that if she doesn't trust your safeguarding abilities then she has to go.

I don't blame you for not wanting to be involved, but what does your friend say about it? I agree with a PP that she should take action now.

I don't agree that you need to send out a letter about expected conduct before you deal with this - she's gone far beyond what anyone could be expected to put up with. If you do stay it would be worth sending one to the others though.

“no good turn goes unpunished”

This woman is unhinged, please be careful. I think you do have a case for harassment as she is now contacting you at work.
I am sorry but her interest in you is unhealthy. This is not normal. I am not one who ever says contact the Police but do keep every text, every email and make sure you document every conversation in case this escalates.
I am sorry you are closing the group, but not surprised you really do not need this Shit. You sound a lovely person giving up your time to help the youth shame one vindictive person has to spoil it.

I wouldn’t close the group down because of one arsehole. You’ve had some very good advice about the other coordinator of the group sending a firm but professional letter to the parents and another to the child to say they are no longer welcome. I would send one message back to the woman asking her to go through the other coordinator as her behaviour was inappropriate and any further contact will be classes as harassment and you’ll be reporting it to the police. I’d also contact your local police to formally register the harassment should it escalate.

I’m sorry to say this, but is your mental health strong enough to be involved in local politics right now? It’s absolutely not right at all that this woman is harassing you as she is, but you need a very thick skin to be in the public eye, and if you were more well known and your publicity were too increase, there will be more like this.

Definitely get your friend to write and issue the policy. At school, the parent and child have to agree a code of conduct. This applies to kids, parents and guardians. Failure to abide means leaving the club. Keep copies of all messages in all forms from her. Build a file because this is harassment. Be polite, helpful etc until she steps out of line. Next time you need a permission slip, tag the signature area "I have marked the area for signature to make it easier this time"

Are you an elected councillor? If she is sending you abuse as an elected politician, the police will take it seriously. You should report it to your party too, they should be able to offer some support.

I agree with the idea of your friend contacting her on behalf of the club, but I would just say her daughter is no longer welcome. She doesn’t need any more chances.

You sound so conscientious. This woman sounds like a nightmare.so many good suggestions, my advice is not to try and do all of it. Sit down with your coworker and answer some questions first, like what you hope to achieve in the club, and your expectations of the young people and their parents. I think you need to write to this parent and dp lain that you are concerned by her abusive bullying, and most particularly by her response to her child’s serious misbehaviour. It would be perfectly ok to either ban the family from any further participation, or to give very clear expectations of their future behaviour, and the consequence if these expectations aren’t met.
Please don’t let this weirdo stop the valuable work you are doing, and certainly don’t let it continue to affect your mental health.