AIBU to ask this child to leave the group?

[Throwawaytheatre]

I run a youth group on a voluntary basis one night a week; and I am also active in local politics.

We have a child in our group who’s mother seems to have it out for me, and I’m seriously considering asking her to leave. I already know I would be unreasonable to actually do this; but please tell me I’m not unreasonable to feel this way.

Twice after I have voted a certain way in LG meetings, that the mother didn’t agree with she has sent me massive and aggressive rants via social media.

Just before Christmas her daughter snuck alcohol into the group Xmas party. We found out about it when her sister disclosed it the following week. We followed our policy; kept a written log of the conversation and contacted home. We also got all the children together and informed them in pretty strong terms that anyone bringing alcohol on site would be asked to leave; and they had all been warned.

I then get a message saying I’ve been reported to social services for letting kids drink alcohol...

Finally, we sent a letter home with a permission slip. The letter comes back with “I’m a dumb blonde so hope I’ve signed this in the right place” and three signatures randomly across the page. None on the actual permission slip, and a PS asking me to confirm my policy on letting kids drink alcohol...

She’s just sent me another essay via her daughter’s social media accusing me of endangering children apparently because during the trip we took them on, there were four boys and one girl in one of the cars - I’ve blocked that account as well (I wasn’t friends with her on the platform) but I so wanted to reply asking why she still sends her daughter to the youth group if she’s so worried!

This is a rant, this isn’t the right forum and this is probably also outing but I don’t care. I work a stressful full time job which often requires me to work outside of office hours, and have suffered with on and off depression since I was sixteen. I have attempted suicide three times in the last ten years. I feel like I try to do what I can with my local community - helping with groups and charities and whatever and right now I just want to scream and pack it all in and tell them all to go duck themselves.

Sorry for my rant

Think Lucks advice is perfect and much better than my own..

What is this woman’s issue? If I didn’t like a way a groups run then I will take my child out, not harass the people running it.

Agree with others, hand this over to your friend to communicate with the woman!
Such a shame to close the group but to put up with that shit is just not on!!

Yes, I like Lucked's idea too. This woman has made it very personal. Best if you're not the one to respond.

I'd report her to the police now. She's unhinged!
I'd also send out an email to say due to ongoing abuse and harassment, you are left with no choice but to cancel the group with immediate effect.
Are your paths likely to cross in other areas? School?

Surely bringing alcohol should be an instant expulsion?

If the event the permission slip was for hasn't happened yet I would get your friend to send it back and tell her you can't accept it because it is not filled in correctly and that if her attitude does not improve you will be forced to remove her daughters from the group.

I don't think you need to issue a behaviour policy and wait until next time. Ban that family now, she's done more than enough and doesn't deserve a final warning.

If you close the group down she will be ALL over that like a rash - she will crow to the masses about how she forced you out, that nasty woman who allowed kids to drink and what sort of person must she be to be representing others in a political capacity.

Don't let her win. Fight back quietly - keep all evidence of communication and go to the Police. Hand it over to them, she is harassing you. Head high, sounds like you’ve done nothing wrong.

Thanks for advice people is this really a police issue?

The email she has sent to my official local government (not work - again, voluntary) email contains accusations:

that I bought alcohol for her child and other children at the group (obvs completely false and the first I’ve heard of it)

That I was so drunk at an event it had to be cut short (again - obvs very untrue)

That she has pictures of me and other volunteers handling alcohol (possibly she does - we sometimes get a temp events notice and serve alcohol to guests and big events)

I have to wonder if she thought we were doing all this why she still let her daughter come! She’s demanded a copy of all our policies, chaperone rotas and DBS checks within 14 days.

@Highonpotandused yes I am, but don’t think she knows. I’m only out to a very select few as my family would disown me.

As I work with vulnerable children, these accusations could cost me my career. This is why I have decided to close the group down; I don’t want to run the risk anymore. I have decided to take a break from all voluntary and charity work for my own mental health

So sorry about this OP.

Oh god yes, just bin it off! What a cow she is!

That is such a shame OP, both for you and the kids involved in the club. And all because of one nasty woman. I hope you manage to work things out.

I also get why you are nervous about coming out when you are doing this type of voluntary work with kids. My friend did a similar job full time and while some of us knew, he didn't feel right telling the kids or their parents and he was brilliant as a youth worker.

OP, you sound so wonderful helping your community.

Unfortunately people who do this are often targets for horrible people.

Please think again about closing.

Great advice here.
Keep copies of every.
Pop into your local police station and fill them in.
Send a letter to every parent re abusive behaviour and harrassment.
Exclude the child at the first opportunity.

Tell the other parents exactly what has been going on.

💐

She is not entitled to see dbs certificates , those are personal to the individual, only evidence that they have been seen by you. Was the trip risk assessed?

Quite see why you would prefer to step back, will your colleague continue it?

This is nothing to do with safeguarding, she’s a horrible bully.

Don’t close - instead suspend the club. Tell parents the truth, that you are being harassed and feel like you are on the end of a witch-hunt.

You can always restart in a few months, without the child in question.

Basically what I’m trying to say, don’t burn your bridges.

So sorry OP. Please take some comfort from 510 votes so far, and 1 YABU. That should tell you something.

I agree it's a good idea to take a break. Close it down, send out a note saying why so the other parents understand who is to blame for their children missing out, and when you feel strong enough, start it up again using a code of conduct for parents (to have to sign).

Hugs, OP.

Such a shame that you're being attacked by this person.
Perhaps some time out might be a good idea.
Close the club down and maybe see how you feel in a few months time..
I volunteer with a children's group too and we (the other adults) were only saying recently how nice our current cohort are - nice kids and (mostly) decent parents and it's great to be able to spend our time on activities and not managing problems.

In your shoes I would close the group with immediate effect. Send a letter to all parents (maybe better coming from the other leader) reminding everyone that it is a voluntary run club, ran for the good of the children. You give up your home, and often your own money to provide an activity that the children enjoy and that keeps them occupied.

But...!

Due to ongoing complaints and interference from some parents, you feel the club is no longer viable and what was an enjoyable voluntary pastime has now become a full time job dealing with disruption and a chore.

"it is with regret that we close the group with immediate effect. There will be no meeting this week and all future events have been cancelled".

Leave it at that. My guess is there will be uproar amongst the loyal parents who appreciate what you do. Take a few weeks away from it and see if people genuinely do want it to continue. If they do, start it up again, but be very selective about your membership. And under no circumstances do you allow that woman (and by extension her child) anywhere near your group.

Your professional reputation is at stake. If she persists with accusations towards you you should see a solicitor.

*You give up your TIME

(not "home", that might be a step too far!)

I'm sorry it has come to this, but I think you are doing the right thing. Maybe after a while you will feel able to start up again, but it isn't worth either your job or your mental health. This women sounds like she has a real vendetta going against you, and getting away from it and her is the right thing to do.
When you do close the group, make sure you have locked down all your social media too.

So sorry, but I think this woman has crossed the line to harassment and should be reported to the Police. Those are very serious allegations for someone in your position and need to be dealt with robustly.

^^ I agree

I think you did the right thing to close the group down OP.
There's no winning with people like the woman who is harassing you.

Oh that is such a shame but u can completely understand why you have. I'm so sorry - for you and the children you gave your time freely for.