AIBU to ask this child to leave the group?

[Throwawaytheatre]

I run a youth group on a voluntary basis one night a week; and I am also active in local politics.

We have a child in our group who’s mother seems to have it out for me, and I’m seriously considering asking her to leave. I already know I would be unreasonable to actually do this; but please tell me I’m not unreasonable to feel this way.

Twice after I have voted a certain way in LG meetings, that the mother didn’t agree with she has sent me massive and aggressive rants via social media.

Just before Christmas her daughter snuck alcohol into the group Xmas party. We found out about it when her sister disclosed it the following week. We followed our policy; kept a written log of the conversation and contacted home. We also got all the children together and informed them in pretty strong terms that anyone bringing alcohol on site would be asked to leave; and they had all been warned.

I then get a message saying I’ve been reported to social services for letting kids drink alcohol...

Finally, we sent a letter home with a permission slip. The letter comes back with “I’m a dumb blonde so hope I’ve signed this in the right place” and three signatures randomly across the page. None on the actual permission slip, and a PS asking me to confirm my policy on letting kids drink alcohol...

She’s just sent me another essay via her daughter’s social media accusing me of endangering children apparently because during the trip we took them on, there were four boys and one girl in one of the cars - I’ve blocked that account as well (I wasn’t friends with her on the platform) but I so wanted to reply asking why she still sends her daughter to the youth group if she’s so worried!

This is a rant, this isn’t the right forum and this is probably also outing but I don’t care. I work a stressful full time job which often requires me to work outside of office hours, and have suffered with on and off depression since I was sixteen. I have attempted suicide three times in the last ten years. I feel like I try to do what I can with my local community - helping with groups and charities and whatever and right now I just want to scream and pack it all in and tell them all to go duck themselves.

Sorry for my rant

What Puds said. Send that out and then when you get abuse, ban her little cherub.

Definitely get rid. Even if you have to write a new "policy", send it out and then get rid of her the next time she sends a message. Sounds like it won't take her long.

Absolutely get rid.
She is only waiting to have you in trouble anyway.
I would follow suggestion re reminder regarding rules and behaviour
And then follow up with letter outlining why she has to be excluded -
Or you could send letter asking her to stay away for a month and think about if she feels she and daughter can comply with the rules of the club. The suspension will be lifted on written apology from both mum and teen

Report HER to social services for sending her child to a dangerous club!
Checkmate :)

As pp says, refresh policy, wait for her to break it and bin them off.

Don't ask, tell. This woman is going to be a PITA either way, and will need to be told firmly that her child is no longer welcome. It's unfortunate that her sister will also need to leave the group (if you are using the mother's behaviour as the reason and also for your sanity/safety), but that's better than dealing with furious parents because one of their kids has got drunk or worse when you were in charge of them.

She will definitely make a massive fuss and you can expect to be reported for anything she can think of. She might even manage a local paper sadface article. But if the child stays, the mother will continue to bitch and snipe at you and it will get progressively worse.

PP's are spot on about official policy (I'd add a little to the letter about how sad it is that such a policy has become necessary). It won't even need to be about the drinking, because this mother will probably make a massive deal out of being asked to behave, see it as a personal attack and make a scene. Job done!

send a letter say seen as you are so unhappy wit the group and the consatnt allegation (all unfounded) we think it would be better if you remove your daughter from the group or you and come and volunteer yourself.

I think you taking you anger of the parent out on the child. Sounds like this is the type of child who could benefit from a club and a good rolemodel. The alcohol thing was wrong and give her a warning, cann,t use that now as an excuse not to have her it,s too late

Disagree - alcohol less than a month ago - boot out the little madam and her mother

Poor you she's sounds utterly vile, you really don't deserve to be treated like that when your giving up your free time to help. Unfortunately this sort of thing is all to common. Where I live both the parish council and brownies/ scouts are without volunteers because of this sort of behaviour. I'd imagine the other parents don't like her behaviour either but are too polite (or weak!) to say anything. I agree, send the initial letter about behaviour then a personal one to her. Do not let this woman affect your mental health she is not worth it!

Send letter telling her they arnt welcome anymore and screen shotting will be taken and police contacted if she bullies you on social media. Simples. Be brave shes all gob by the sounds of it. Keyboard warrior x

I am not sure you need a policy although it might be helpful in future.

I think your friend should step in here. Write to the mother that she has reviewed the communication (she could include a copy of it all including the permission slip) that it is outwith the spirit of the club and deemed inappropriate. State that her daughters are liked members of the club and it would be a shame to lose them but that they will be banned unless communication is respectful. All communication back to the mother should be through your friend from now on.

Given that you have been 'reported to social services'. You need to be seen to be taking action. Review your policies, recirculate and deal with the offenders accordingly - which in my mind would be to chuck them out.

Given you suggest you are a sports club can you affiliate to the amateur sports association for the sport for support?

There seems to be a certain type of people that cannot appreciate the work volunteers do for community groups. I get a load of abuse for a community group I run. They never roll up their sleeves, sitting back and letting others do all the hard work required, but constantly trying to undermine the volunteers. With my group, it’s because I have the temerity to be female in a position of authority. You have politics as a point of annoyance to your difficult mum. But if it wasn’t that, she’s probably the sort to just find something else to complain about. Use your policies to get her and DD out.

YANBU.
I was thrown out of a dance school when I was young because my gran had a screaming argument with the dance teacher's mum. Wasn't my fault and I was devastated but it also wasn't the teachers responsibility to put up with a family member who abused her family member (my gran was in the wrong).

Plus this girl isn't only the innocent victim of her mum's behaviour, she's done wrong too.

Send out the suggested letter to all families re threatening behaviour, informing them that children will be excluded from the group if it happens.

next incident, she's out.

We had this against my friend at the youth group we ran. We sent out a letter saying that due to abusive behaviour from a parents (not naming any names) we were considering terminating the group.
Cue big outcry from all the parents demanding to know who it was and trying to find out.

The parent was a quite as a mouse after that. Bully’s don’t like being unpopular

Keep a record of all her unpleasant remarks and posts etc, and keep screenshots.

I'm assuming the friend you run the club with is fully aware of what's been happening, and I would suggest that all further communications from the club to this parent are sent from her and not you.

Also, as you are active in local politics, then please make them aware of what is going on as well, and that this woman is sending you aggressive rants on social media.

It might also be worth talking to your local PCSO.

Thank you for all the advice peeps, I’ll certainly be following it.

Sorry again if this isn’t the right place and if I’ve taken up your evenings. This has just really upset me for some reason tonight. One of the messages she sent was about how “no one knows who I am, because I do nothing for the town”.

I think this just touched too close to home, as I struggled with friends at school due to my sexuality and not really fitting in. A handful of people tend to broadcast on Facebook and in the local paper about what they do; whereas I just turn up at the events/groups, do my thing and go home. I think sometimes this works against me but I’d feel silly doing anything else.

Thanks for all the support. Going to have a coffee and sit down before I drive home from work as I’m still feeling sick over the whole thing!

I'm not surprised you're upset. It's horrible vindictive behaviour and it was meant to upset you. I doubt it's personal though - I bet her daughter's teachers get a volley of abuse every time they chastise her too. Some people are just like that.

I'd kick her out. You'd probably be doing the kid a favour to be honest because it doesn't sound like boundaries play much of a part in her life.

When my son started rugby (under 12s) parent had to sign a code of conduct about how parents would behave. Maybe your group should have one?

Also a social media policy informing parents that you will not communicate with them on x, y and z platforms (include phrase not limited to or such like) and state that all comms must be in writing on paper or by email (to an "official" email address)

You absolutely can and should exclude them. You are not obliged to tolerate being abused and you shouldn't.

I would contact her and tell her due to repeated inappropriate messages and allegations by her, there is no longer a place at the club for her child. Refund any club fees that have been paid and treat any further contact as harassment.Don't put up with this shit.

You really need to message the mum back and tell her her child is not welcome due to the abuse she is sending you

I think your friend should step in here. Write to the mother that she has reviewed the communication (she could include a copy of it all including the permission slip) that it is outwith the spirit of the club and deemed inappropriate. State that her daughters are liked members of the club and it would be a shame to lose them but that they will be banned unless communication is respectful. All communication back to the mother should be through your friend from now on.
I agree with the advice from Lucked, take a step back, then if communication doesn't improve at least you will have tried for the children's sake. As for local politics stand by your decisions, let her rant and make a fool of herself just don't engage. I think your amazing getting so involved with your community when you work long and unsociable hours. It's good to let of steam and have a good rant

You need a behaviour policy that includes parents/guardians behaviour at the site/via social media etc. Be explicit and include the behaviour that has happened. If it's not signed and adhered to then membership is revoked immediately.

And helpfully put a x where she needs to sign...

Lucked is spot on.

I agree that her DD should be excluded. I really don't get people like this. They do themselves no favours. Don't let this put you off, think of the kids and parents who really appreciate all your hard work.