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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I feel like I am being a controlling witch ... am I?

126 replies

mccccaw · 18/01/2020 21:32

I am having problems with my first boyfriend.

My relatively new boyfriend is meeting his ex-girlfriend next weekend.

They are in contact a lot - lots of messaging. But nothing really inappropriate, nothing mushy or loveydovey or sexual. Just chatting.

They are meeting up because she wants to get some things from his house. He told me and I said that's fine.

Because of the time he spends on his phone, I looked at their messages. He texts her the most out of anyone on his phone. He also calls her "babe" and a nickname he made up for her.

He's also said he is going to bring her the Christmas present he bought her, and some other bits he "picked up" for her since they split up Sad

I know right before we got together they had sex. It wasn't when we were dating, but he told me about it and kept saying the breakup was messy.

We've since argued about this, because I said it wasn't appropriate to be giving her gifts. He's basically said I am controlling and weird, and that I don't know how to be mature Sad

He's older than me, and he said in time I will learn this is normal.

AIBU to think it's not normal to give your ex-girlfriend Christmas gifts?

OP posts:
Mum2jenny · 18/01/2020 21:34

I think he’s still expecting a reconciliation with the girlfriend. Hopefully this will not happen!

Disquieted1 · 18/01/2020 21:41

He is a manipulative condescending liar. Run for the hills.

mummyduckduck · 18/01/2020 21:42

Just walk away gracefully. He's not over her.

andyjusthangingaround · 18/01/2020 21:44

Run!

Thewomeninthemirror · 18/01/2020 21:44

Exactly what disquieted said!
That’s not normal, especially after a messy breakup.
LTB

PaperbackBlighter · 18/01/2020 21:44

What age are you both, OP?

He doesn’t sound very nice, and I think he’s trying to get back together with his ex, using you to make her jealous.

thebluearsefly · 18/01/2020 21:45

Walk away with your head held high. Nicknames, presents and non stop contact? Step back and think about what you’d advise a friend. This guy is mugging you off

M0reGinPlease · 18/01/2020 21:47

Cut and run.

Even if it is innocent, he's wrong for making you feel like you're the weirdo in this situation (you're not, btw)

FaithInfinity · 18/01/2020 21:47

My then BF now DH met up with his ex soon after we got together. But they hadn’t been together for a long while, over a year. They met up because they were in the same area at the same time. He said it was nice to see her, that was basically it. I find it very suspicious that your BF messages her all the time, especially with the nicknames and gifts. It sounds like he’s dating you while hoping to get back with her. I’d run a mile, honestly this isn’t normal and you deserve better.

TheFastandTheCurious · 18/01/2020 21:47

How long have you been together? It's not very nice that he calls you controlling and weird, I'd walk away purely for that

Original poster
mccccaw · 18/01/2020 21:57

@PaperbackBlighter

I am 19, and he is 28.

OP posts:
Original poster
mccccaw · 18/01/2020 21:57

@TheFastandTheCurious

Only about 3 months

OP posts:
itmusthavebeencoffee · 18/01/2020 22:00

it definitely sounds like he's still into her and most likely is going to sleep with her if he can when they meet up –please dump him, you deserve better.

willothewispa · 18/01/2020 22:00

You deserve better, ltb.

MilaRos · 18/01/2020 22:04

Don't be a mug, he will drop you like a hot potato! He's totally disrespecting you and painfully still into his ex.

Mistystar99 · 18/01/2020 22:04

Dump him sweetheart. You can and will do better. This is a confusing mess and you don't need that. Xx

user3575796673 · 18/01/2020 22:05

It's not normal. Don't let him warp your sense of normality - there's a reason older men go for inexperienced women your age, because it's so easy to push your boundaries and train you to accept the unacceptable as "normal".

He's controlling you if anything.

Maybe look up the Freedom Programme so you can reassure yourself in your model of what healthy relationships look like.

Then ditch him so you can meet somebody respectful and decent.

Maskedsingeroctopus · 18/01/2020 22:06

Oh you poor thing, only 19 and him a grown man. Well done posting on here.
He's obviously shagging her and has quite serious relationship with her.
You are his (too) young bit of fun. You deserve much better. Please leave him now. Also speak to your mum or other trusted family member about this and stay safe and be very careful about being gaslighted by him, even when breaking up. He won't like it.

BecauseReasons · 18/01/2020 22:07

He's gaslighting you. 'In time you'll learn,'- what utter bull.

Qwerty543 · 18/01/2020 22:08

Run now. He's a behaving like a twat and turning his shitty behaviour around on you.

TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup · 18/01/2020 22:09

he said in time I will learn this is normal.

Do not stick around long enough for any of this to be "normal". I will almost guarantee he's still fucking his ex or wants to, at the very least.

Ruuuuuun!

QueenOfOversharing · 18/01/2020 22:09

Your first BF? Definitely cut your losses. Don't start your dating life by accepting this! Please!!!

Whatever is going on with them, leave them to it. I'm just going on how he's spoken to you. It's not ok.

He's a prick.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 18/01/2020 22:09

If he gave presents to every single one of his friends and family and she was included in that then it might be different. But sounds to me like she is getting special treatment

converseandjeans · 18/01/2020 22:10

Agree with others this is not normal behaviour. He's trying to make out it is & make you feel silly to question it. I would walk away now.

ChocolateCoins19 · 18/01/2020 22:10

He's still with her.. I'd put money on it.
Just cut contact. You deserve better