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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I feel like I am being a controlling witch ... am I?

126 replies

mccccaw · 18/01/2020 21:32

I am having problems with my first boyfriend.

My relatively new boyfriend is meeting his ex-girlfriend next weekend.

They are in contact a lot - lots of messaging. But nothing really inappropriate, nothing mushy or loveydovey or sexual. Just chatting.

They are meeting up because she wants to get some things from his house. He told me and I said that's fine.

Because of the time he spends on his phone, I looked at their messages. He texts her the most out of anyone on his phone. He also calls her "babe" and a nickname he made up for her.

He's also said he is going to bring her the Christmas present he bought her, and some other bits he "picked up" for her since they split up Sad

I know right before we got together they had sex. It wasn't when we were dating, but he told me about it and kept saying the breakup was messy.

We've since argued about this, because I said it wasn't appropriate to be giving her gifts. He's basically said I am controlling and weird, and that I don't know how to be mature Sad

He's older than me, and he said in time I will learn this is normal.

AIBU to think it's not normal to give your ex-girlfriend Christmas gifts?

OP posts:
Yestermost · 18/01/2020 22:35

100% he still wants her.

olivertwistwantsmore · 18/01/2020 22:36

Look, you’ve only been together three months. This is the honeymoon period! When you’re both on you best behaviour and everything is brilliant.

This is not the case here, sounds like he’s not over her or he’s gaslighting you. Anyway, he’s a dick. Dump him!

DonKeyshot · 18/01/2020 22:36

I wonder what else he'll convince tell you is normal and you'll 'learn' in time, OP?

If you're willing to be made a fool of sit at the feet of this fount of 28-year old wisdom then crack on, but he's waving more red flags than the Red Army and you're best advised to move along quickly to your second boyfriend who, hopefully, won't be such a patronising dickhead.

Make sure the next one is under 25 ; anything older and they start getting set in their ways and you need a guy who'll learn and grow with you.

billy1966 · 18/01/2020 22:40

OP, he is still into her and he is wasting your time.
It's a very big age gap at your age IMO.

He sounds like a patronizing twat.

Move on👍

Levatrice · 18/01/2020 22:42

Maskedsingeroctopus has it in one , please read and re-read that post and then block him on everything.

BillHadersNewWife · 18/01/2020 22:42

He's having a laugh! He's not serious about you. When I met Dh he was still in touch with his ex...but it was obvious she had strong feelings. DH told her he was in a serious relationship and wouldn't be talking to her any longer. That's what's right...not buying her gifts!

JeffreysWorkTrousers · 18/01/2020 22:42

Another one saying he isn't good enough for you. You deserve better. What a patronising arsehole, you will "learn this is normal" no it fucking isn't.

He shouldn't be giving her the Christmas gift, he should sell it, return it, gift it to someone else or charity it. As for stuff this should all have been sorted out already.

You are 19, meet someone better. Seriously, there are plenty of better men out there. I wish someone had said that to me when I was 19. I met Dh when I was 22. He was kind, caring, supportive, thoughtful, good in bed, funny as hell and we have been married 20 years.

lurker2003 · 18/01/2020 22:43

In the nicest way possible (coming from someone who’s a similar age to you) a 28 year old shouldn’t be interested in a 19 year old. I’m not saying you’re not mature but you’ve just “become an adult”. Although there’s nothing legally wrong I don’t think he has the best intentions.

Original poster
mccccaw · 18/01/2020 22:44

As for stuff this should all have been sorted out already.

well, they met before Christmas to hand stuff back - I swear MORE of her stuff was at his house when I went round next.

OP posts:
anotherday4 · 18/01/2020 22:45

I have been you OP and it's affected me now and I'm a lot older then I was then. Please run xx you can do better

MoaningMinniee · 18/01/2020 22:45

@mccccwaw in the nicest possible way... you are a bit of distraction on the side of the relationship between your rather older boyfriend and his long established girlfriend. Please walk away and enjoy all the fun of being a student.

Guiltypleasures001 · 18/01/2020 22:47

Lovely

I hate to come across as an old fart but

He's using you and winding her up using your "younger bird status" to make her jealous

Start as you mean to go on, don't allow yourself to be used by a fuck wit game player who shouldn't be dating much younger than himself to,boost his ego

Learn to put in boundaries early and not let your first experience of a real,boyfriend cloud your judgement.

MitziK · 18/01/2020 22:51

He's 28. He's no more mature than my cat.

A mature woman would tell him to fuck right off, not necessarily for the meeting an ex, but certainly for the 'you'll understand when you'll grow up' bollocks from somebody who has likely never washed his own socks, as he went from his Mum doing it to his ex and then to you (buying new ones in the annoying gap between maids).

Original poster
mccccaw · 18/01/2020 23:06

@MoaningMinniee they weren't together that long. He broke up with her as well.

OP posts:
Herpesfreesince03 · 18/01/2020 23:09

Are you sure they’ve even split up op?

AnnaMagnani · 18/01/2020 23:10

100% they are still together.

He's just manipulating you to pass time with because being a 19 yr old is hot when you are 28.

Original poster
mccccaw · 18/01/2020 23:14

they're not together - she lives about 2 hrs away. they're joking about their breakup in messages too

OP posts:
OzziePopPop · 18/01/2020 23:22

Run. Sorry 😐

Allcrimps · 18/01/2020 23:28

At the very best you're rebound woman in this scenario. They're clearly not over each other, and from the sounds of it are all over each other. I wouldn't be sticking around to be continuously hurt until the death blow of them getting back together and him calling it off. I'd be noping the fuck out of that relationship I'm afraid. Sorry though. Take care of yourself and find a man who makes you his priority.

Allcrimps · 18/01/2020 23:31

Somehow missed the fact that you are 19 and him a grown bloody man. Ugh. I swear you can do so much better, and far from 'learning' that his shitty behaviour with his ex is normal, you'll learn from this that it is NOT fucking normal and never put up with suck twattery again. He's a cunt.

LovePoppy · 18/01/2020 23:33

I think he’s still expecting a reconciliation with the girlfriend. Hopefully this will not happen!

Of course he is

I hope it happens soon, so OP won’t be strung along anymore

YouTheCat · 18/01/2020 23:34

I had one of these. 20 years I wasted from age 19. Don't be like me.

Noti23 · 18/01/2020 23:36

It’s not normal. He’s using your age to be ruthlessly patronising.

GilbertMarkham · 18/01/2020 23:42

Agree with pp.

He's using your age and corresponding lack of relationship experience to take advantage.

They have done weird fked up dynamic going on, leave them to it and see if there are any nice fit fellas around your own age to have a decent relationship with; one you won't be sharing with his "ex".

GilbertMarkham · 18/01/2020 23:42

*some weird ..