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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I feel like I am being a controlling witch ... am I?

126 replies

mccccaw · 18/01/2020 21:32

I am having problems with my first boyfriend.

My relatively new boyfriend is meeting his ex-girlfriend next weekend.

They are in contact a lot - lots of messaging. But nothing really inappropriate, nothing mushy or loveydovey or sexual. Just chatting.

They are meeting up because she wants to get some things from his house. He told me and I said that's fine.

Because of the time he spends on his phone, I looked at their messages. He texts her the most out of anyone on his phone. He also calls her "babe" and a nickname he made up for her.

He's also said he is going to bring her the Christmas present he bought her, and some other bits he "picked up" for her since they split up Sad

I know right before we got together they had sex. It wasn't when we were dating, but he told me about it and kept saying the breakup was messy.

We've since argued about this, because I said it wasn't appropriate to be giving her gifts. He's basically said I am controlling and weird, and that I don't know how to be mature Sad

He's older than me, and he said in time I will learn this is normal.

AIBU to think it's not normal to give your ex-girlfriend Christmas gifts?

OP posts:
Whiskeylover45 · 19/01/2020 13:01

It isn't normal, sweetheart, and I'm 31. Honestly, hes gaslighting you by pretending it is, minimising your feelings and making you look and feel unhinged in the process. It's all manipulation from him. You mentioned first boyfriend, so hes clearly playing on the lack of experience you have. I'm sorry, I would honestly, like PP have said, cut and run as hes still into her and the only one who will get hurt here is you. Either way its early days and it shouldn't be this hard in what essentially should be the honeymoon phase. Wish you luck, just remember you deserve better. And this is nothing to do with age gap relationships either. My oldest friend has just married someone 30 years older than her, and I couldnt be happier for them.

DrManhattan · 19/01/2020 13:17

Get rid

AtrociousCircumstance · 19/01/2020 13:21

He is the controlling one. He is controlling you by being patronising and undermining.

OP please dump him. He’s showing a complete lack of respect for you.

He’s the immature one if he doesn’t understand appropriate boundaries at his age. Twat.

You’re so young, don’t waste any more time on this one. The feelings of attachment will fade surprisingly quickly.

Wickedwoo · 19/01/2020 13:43

I buy my husbands ex Christmas/birthday presents which are off us all but mainly from their son together. I would not be happy in your situation though if no child involved and my husband was buying his ex presents and texting all the time it's not normal

QueenOfTheFae · 19/01/2020 13:47

He's older than me, and he said in time I will learn this is normal.

This should ring alarm bells with you

PositiveVibez · 19/01/2020 13:48

He's using you in the hope his ex will be jealous, see what a massive mistake she's made and come begging for him back.

Original poster
mccccaw · 19/01/2020 13:48

I know I am making excuses here, but, the only thing that makes me think it's innocent is that they take ages to reply to each other. So even though they send a lot of texts, I know that there's a message on his phone now that he hasn't even read yet from her (sent yesterday) - if he was into her surely he would want to reply ASAP?

She sometimes takes a couple of days to reply too.

When he's late replying to her he will say "sorry it took so long to get back to you, things have been really busy!" which is true to be honest.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 19/01/2020 13:54

To me the issue isn't whether or not it is innocent
...the issue is him telling you it isn't OK for you to feel a certain way about things. Especially things that may be innapropriate.

A partner should seek to understand and reassure his partner. Yet he's jumped straight to 'you're the one with the problem' and 'the questionable behaviour is completely normal, you just don't understand' ect...

These sort of things can point towards a potential abusive personality.

Just, always trust your gut. And don't let anyone tell you your boundaries are 'wrong'. They are your boundaries and are not up for debate!

Might help to read up on things like NPD ect... and 'gaslighting', 'narcissistic triangulation' too as it might be going down that route.

Pinkbonbon · 19/01/2020 13:58

Also, if he wants to remain friends with her then he should introduced you two. If he has a problem with that, there's something not right.

I am fine with a partner having female friends, but I'd expect to meet them! Especially an ex. And establish that they are just friends.

AtrociousCircumstance · 19/01/2020 14:00

Yes you’re grasping at excuses because you want to stay with him.

But it won’t do you any favours to stay with him OP. You can leave him now, or even more broken hearted in six months/a year. Why waste that time and increase the pain level?

Spied · 19/01/2020 14:02

Even the taking ages to reply to each others' messages is game playing. Each wanting the other to think they are busy with their lives and other people. A bit 'absence makes the heart grow fonder' and teasingly being 'hard to get'.
Run.

ittooshallpass · 19/01/2020 14:09

The texting, presents and time in between contact are all irrelevant. The issue is his reaction to your concerns about his behaviour.

My friend's partner was in touch with his ex. All seemed ok, but then the ex bought him a very personal gift for Christmas which my friend felt crossed the line. Her gut told her the ex was trying to get him back.

Friend told her partner how the personal gift made her feel. He agreed that the gift was inappropriate and stopped all contact with ex... who it turned out HAD been trying to get back with him.

His reaction was normal. Your reaction is normal. Your 'boyfriend' is the only one I can see with a reaction that's not normal.

Please don't make any more excuses for this 'man'. You've only been seeing him for 3 months. You should be enjoying the honeymoon period... he shouldn't want to spend time with anyone else. Get rid!

speakout · 19/01/2020 14:09

He also calls her "babe" and a nickname he made up for her.

Sounds the sensitive type.

BecauseReasons · 19/01/2020 14:10

You're only three months in, OP. Don't throw good time after bad. Cut your losses and go enjoy yourself.

TorkTorkBam · 19/01/2020 14:11

You have a relationship where you read all his messages. That is already a great big red flag telling you to exit the relationship asap.

Why are you tolerating this? Even if it were normal, which it isn't, it annoys you which means you are not compatible. Get rid.

You are 19, he is your first boyfriend, start as you mean to go on: dump the shit ones at the earliest red flags, move on to better.

YouTheCat · 19/01/2020 14:14

Him texting his ex is irrelevant. He's gaslighting and manipulating you. He's not a very good boyfriend so get rid.

iano · 19/01/2020 14:15

Op stop focussing on THEIR relationship. YOUR relationship with him is not a good one and you need to address that.

thickwoollytights · 19/01/2020 14:15

Regardless of anything else - the revolting way he is patronising you and speaking to you as though you're 5 , would be enough for me to find him vile 🤮

thickwoollytights · 19/01/2020 14:17

Oh and you feel like you're being controlling because that's what he has said you are

He is a horrible man

YOU ARE NOT CONTROLLING

Winterwoollies · 19/01/2020 14:18

@mccccaw you asked for advice and you’ve been given it. And it’s unanimous. Based on my own experiences, I strongly recommend you take it.

You’re 19, he’s 28 and he’s using you to make her jealous. I don’t think we can make this any plainer to you, his behaviour is manipulative, he’s lying, his texting his ex habit is NOT NORMAL and he’s projecting it on to you to further beat you into submission for his own ends. He’s a piece of shit and you deserve better.

Hand him a dose of his own medicine and bin him. He’ll probably start pleading with you, he sounds quite narcissistic, but just ignore him and move on to better things.

messolini9 · 19/01/2020 14:32

I know I am making excuses here, but, the only thing that makes me think it's innocent

You're focused on the wrong issue OP.
You don't need to concern yourself about his ex.
Your real problem is his total lack of respect for you, & his insistence that you change your mind to suit his.

Why are you bothering with him anymore, this prince of a man who you have to second-guess because he's so busy thinking about his ex?

Ponoka7 · 19/01/2020 14:36

I agree with everything that's been said. They aren't over and done with.

This may get me flamed, but, he's nearly 30 and he's pulled a 19 year old. He should be worshipping you at your feet.

Understand your worth.

BobbyBlueCat · 19/01/2020 14:43

You've obviosuly got zero intention about leaving him and will be back on here in a few weeks moaning about the next thing and then in a few months you'll be saying he's mentally abusing you and you wish you'd saw the signs earlier.

Well everyone on here is telling you to ditch him.
So if you don't listen, you've nobody to blame but yourself when you get sucked in further then he breaks your heart.

TorkTorkBam · 19/01/2020 14:57

Are you aware of any older women in your life who are in horrible relationships? You know where you think "Why would anyone out up with being treated like that?" Well, this here with your bf is how it happens. Lots of us have dated dickheads. Most of us dump them rapidly. Those who get in the habit of overthinking and inappropriate forgiveness end up in those shit marriages later.

Set yourself up for a good future. Dump boyfriends who make you feel shit, no matter how convincingly they tell you it's all your fault.

YasssKween · 19/01/2020 15:14

Argh I didn't realise you're 19! Oh I just want to scoop you up and shake you a bit too!

You do not need to debate what is right / wrong in principle in a relationship if what is going on makes you uncomfortable. It's uncomfortable enough that you've been mature and asked him about it. His response has been to patronise you and not take on board your feelings.

So it doesn't matter what is normal / fair etc in principle (although you'd still be in the majority of feeling his behaviour isn't cool) is what matters is how YOU feel about it and how he responds to your feelings.

I have a horrible feeling you're going to keep seeing him because you like him and will let that cloud your judgement, especially with him talking bullshit convincingly.

You're 19 and probably a catch, you sound lovely, don't waste your time on people who don't think you're ace enough to take on board your feelings and make you feel great.

Auntie Mumsnet just wants the best for you, we've all been where you are before and lots of us (me included) look back and think "I wasn't happy about that why did I pretend I was?!"

How are you feeling about it today, genuinely? Are you worried that if you say point blank how uncomfortable you are with it that he will break up with you?

If so then say it point blank and have an honest and open mature conversation about it because if he doesn't take on board your feelings on this then it means you aren't compatible and shouldn't keep seeing each other Thanks