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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I feel like I am being a controlling witch ... am I?

126 replies

mccccaw · 18/01/2020 21:32

I am having problems with my first boyfriend.

My relatively new boyfriend is meeting his ex-girlfriend next weekend.

They are in contact a lot - lots of messaging. But nothing really inappropriate, nothing mushy or loveydovey or sexual. Just chatting.

They are meeting up because she wants to get some things from his house. He told me and I said that's fine.

Because of the time he spends on his phone, I looked at their messages. He texts her the most out of anyone on his phone. He also calls her "babe" and a nickname he made up for her.

He's also said he is going to bring her the Christmas present he bought her, and some other bits he "picked up" for her since they split up Sad

I know right before we got together they had sex. It wasn't when we were dating, but he told me about it and kept saying the breakup was messy.

We've since argued about this, because I said it wasn't appropriate to be giving her gifts. He's basically said I am controlling and weird, and that I don't know how to be mature Sad

He's older than me, and he said in time I will learn this is normal.

AIBU to think it's not normal to give your ex-girlfriend Christmas gifts?

OP posts:
lostinBristol · 18/01/2020 22:11

How old is she?

madcatladyforever · 18/01/2020 22:11

It isn't normal and I'm 57, I've had plenty of time to know what's normal and what isn't.
He is a lying and cheating shit and is clearly still sleeping with her.
You should dump him.

Fuzzyflamingo · 18/01/2020 22:13

Nah that’s weird...in time you will learn this is normal...id get out now

BlokeTarget · 18/01/2020 22:13

This is merely just the start of the controlling behaviour towards you sadly.

Leave him. Right now ... if you don’t he’ll start controlling who/ what / when you live your life... who you speak too, who you can see. Then what clothes you can / cannot wear...

All the best OP and don’t be suckered in by his BS Flowers

Original poster
mccccaw · 18/01/2020 22:14

I know they aren't physically "together" as she lives away from us in a different city.

I think they broke up because of the distance as well.

@lostinBristol She is 24

OP posts:
peachgreen · 18/01/2020 22:15

Yuck. He's gross. He's using your age gap to gaslight you.

CoffeeRunner · 18/01/2020 22:16

He's not over her. Not at all.

You can stay together if you want to, but you are likely to always be playing second fiddle.

Personally, I think you deserve better.

BoomyBooms · 18/01/2020 22:16

Absolutely not normal, he is using you either to make her jealous until he gets her back or to provide sex/company until he gets her back; and he is manipulating you into thinking his behaviour is ok so that he gets to keep on doing it.

Honestly at 19 your relationships should just be fun and make you feel good, not all this bullshit stress and drama!

Littlepeak34 · 18/01/2020 22:17

No it is not ok to buy his ex gf presents and text her so much. That would make anyone question his motives.

Move on please!!

Original poster
mccccaw · 18/01/2020 22:17

I don't think the Christmas present is that weird, because he had bought that for her before they broke up.

So I guess if he didn't give it to her, it would go to waste?

OP posts:
Janaih · 18/01/2020 22:17

Honey please end it. Don't even give him the satisfaction of any drama, just say "it's not working out for me, bye".
Fucking nerve of him trying to gaslight you!

Original poster
mccccaw · 18/01/2020 22:19

And when I say constant contact - it's basically about 6 lines of text about three times a day...

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 18/01/2020 22:19

It sounds like they're both on the rebound and you're caught in the crossfire.

I think you should walk away OP. He's not ready for a relationship.

MaisWeee · 18/01/2020 22:21

Run like fuck. You're a bit of titillation. You're nothing more to him.

TheNewSchmoo · 18/01/2020 22:21

You are doubting yourself and making excuses for his awful behaviour now. I know it's hard when he's your first boyfriend, but he isn't treating you right and you deserve better.

BoredOfTheBoard · 18/01/2020 22:23

I think what your BF means is STFU and do what you're told and he'll make this your normal. Controlling bastard! Him, not you. Dump

TheGonnagle · 18/01/2020 22:24

Runrunrunrunrun....
He’s not that into you, he will probably go back.
On the other hand, you’re 19 and have the world at your feet. Enjoy yourself.

wildcherries · 18/01/2020 22:25

Run. This isn't OK or normal. Don't stay until you think it is.

justasking111 · 18/01/2020 22:25

There is a reason she dumped him it is not just about distance. He is not over her. I had an older man at your age it was two years of on off messing about. So glad I finally escaped.

Mammylamb · 18/01/2020 22:27

Nah, I can understand them staying friends if they parted in a friendly way. But this doesn’t sound right.

I’d move on. You deserve better

Chocolate1984 · 18/01/2020 22:27

He’s already patronising you. I’d leave it.

CalleighDoodle · 18/01/2020 22:28

It’s not normal. And it is very disrespectful to you.

Dump him.

Pinkbonbon · 18/01/2020 22:30

Aww sorry but, he's a dick. And that whole 'you'll understand when you are older' is patronising AF.

Never let someone tell you that you don't have the right to feel uncomfortable/hurt/disrespected. And if someone justifies shit behaviour by making you feel like you are the one with the issue - you aren't the one with the issue.

lifeisgoodmostofthetime · 18/01/2020 22:31

You must have got together quite quickly after his break up if he had bought her a Christmas present? Sounds like you're his rebound

Ohyesiam · 18/01/2020 22:34

I am friends with aN ex , but I keep a respectful distance.
The Christmas card was from my family to His for example. And that is after many years of being split.

They sound like their relationship isn’t properly over, they at very present on each other’s lives .

The thing is op we all have to decide what we are ok with ( I mean some couples are swingers, not it wouldn’t work for most of us) . You’re not ok with this, so don’t try and mould yourself into something else.