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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I feel like I am being a controlling witch ... am I?

126 replies

mccccaw · 18/01/2020 21:32

I am having problems with my first boyfriend.

My relatively new boyfriend is meeting his ex-girlfriend next weekend.

They are in contact a lot - lots of messaging. But nothing really inappropriate, nothing mushy or loveydovey or sexual. Just chatting.

They are meeting up because she wants to get some things from his house. He told me and I said that's fine.

Because of the time he spends on his phone, I looked at their messages. He texts her the most out of anyone on his phone. He also calls her "babe" and a nickname he made up for her.

He's also said he is going to bring her the Christmas present he bought her, and some other bits he "picked up" for her since they split up

I know right before we got together they had sex. It wasn't when we were dating, but he told me about it and kept saying the breakup was messy.

We've since argued about this, because I said it wasn't appropriate to be giving her gifts. He's basically said I am controlling and weird, and that I don't know how to be mature

He's older than me, and he said in time I will learn this is normal.

AIBU to think it's not normal to give your ex-girlfriend Christmas gifts?

OP posts:

NoSquirrels · 18/01/2020 23:47

All that matters is that you are really uncomfortable with it and he doesn’t care.

You’re 19. There are men out there who will treat you better. You don’t need to put up with this.

clairethewitch70 · 18/01/2020 23:54

YABU to use the word witch as an insult

Fishdoggy · 18/01/2020 23:55

You're uncomfortable enough to come onto a parenting website and ask the opinion of experienced women. Well done for that. Sadly this means you may be hearing what you don't want to which is the majority telling you to move away from this man. Your call of course but I'm going to side with the rest. You're worth better m'dear

Original poster

mccccaw · 18/01/2020 23:55

@clairethewitch70 it autocorrected from bitch

OP posts:

Ttcbabybennett · 18/01/2020 23:58

I honestly wouldn’t get too invested in this relationship unfortunately. The age gap itself isn’t an issue IF this wasn’t your first relationship and he wasn’t still one foot in with his last... the fact you’ve needed to go through his phone and not just look at one thing on it but lots by the sounds of it suggests this relationship is already making you form bad habits you shouldn’t have to worry about such as distrust. Set yourself free to avoid what many of us wish we hadn’t wasted our youth on! Xxx

messolini9 · 19/01/2020 00:00

We've since argued about this, because I said it wasn't appropriate to be giving her gifts.
Try not to feel insecure about that - he knew her long before you were on the scene, & as a new g/f it's not really up to you who he wants to give a present to.

He's basically said I am controlling and weird, and that I don't know how to be mature
He is rude & condescending.
He is also trying to train you into not arguing with him.
Instead of engaging with any points you wanted to discuss, he chose to shut you down with a personal attack. He clearly thinks if he insults you enough he can shut you down.
FYI - his discussion method is very immature in itself.

He's older than me, and he said in time I will learn this is normal.
Oh dear oh dear oh dear.
What a patronising arsehole.
Don't accept him at his word. What he is essentially saying is "you are going to have to learn to think like me, or at least agree with me, or I am going to accuse you of being abnormal."

Listen up OP - any man who talks to you like this is telling you that his opinion is the only acceptable opinion, & that you had better start agreeing with him or else. The gift issue is not important - you are each entitled to a view on it - what IS important is that he is shutting you down, & if he is going to do that over a minor event like gift giving, how do you think he is going to react over something important?

In short - focus on yourself not ex girlfriends.
Then ditch this controlling supercilious twat.
Really - there are so many men out there who will accept your opinions as equally valid to their own, & who you can have fun with without being told what to think.

Willow2017 · 19/01/2020 00:00

He is using you. He is using your age and inexperience to tell you you are being unreasonable he is trying to.keep you both on a string till he decided which of you is worthy of his awesomeness.
He is a lying manipulative got.
Dump and run before you start believing his lies and lose all self respect.
You deserve someone focused on you not an ex.

PonteLaCorona · 19/01/2020 00:13

OP, this is not normal. Please do not accept this as normal or "mature". Regardless of what they are or are not physically doing, he is not over her. He is putting her above your feelings, and that is not normal in a relationship.

He is gaslighting you. He knows it is not normal, so he is using your inexperience in relationships against you and trying to make you believe you are the one in the wrong. That's how he deals with knowing his behaviour isn't right... not changing his behaviour, but fucking with your head. What a shit. He won't change. Just run like fuck.

So no. You are not controlling. He is. Don't waste any more time or emotion on him.

messolini9 · 19/01/2020 00:19

well, they met before Christmas to hand stuff back - I swear MORE of her stuff was at his house when I went round next.

And there you have it, mccccaw.
He's still seeing her, the are shagging at his gaff, & you are being strung along.
I am so sorry this twat was your first b/f. Donlt make any mistakes about accepting his twattery as "normal".
Please do yourself a huge favour & remove yourself from this man's orbit. Free yourself up for a legendary second b/f who has only you in mind.

If you are in any doubt about leaving this cheat & liar, read a few relationship or AIBU threads on here from women in coercively controlling relationships. Don't become one of them.
If you were mad enough to stay with your I hope soon-to-be-ex b/f, he will groom you & desensitise you & twist your own sense of self & reality until you are posting on here in despair about what has happened to you & how it all went so wrong.

Apologies for the doom-saying there - but his behaviour is seriously awry, & I speak from decades of experience & personal knowledge of how coercive relationships function.
Now get out & have fun being 19 & in charge of your own opinions & life!

messolini9 · 19/01/2020 00:21

@PonteLaCorona says it better, & more succinctly - OP, you should print her post out & keep it by your bedside for a while! -

That's how he deals with knowing his behaviour isn't right... not changing his behaviour, but fucking with your head. What a shit. He won't change. Just run like fuck.

Nanny0gg · 19/01/2020 01:37

6 times a day!

Some 'ex'.

Dump him.

Nifflernancy · 19/01/2020 01:43

Not normal and he is trying to condition you to accept it. He can fuck right off.

Selfsettling3 · 19/01/2020 02:09

There is lots of good advice on here OP.

I read a thread on MN a couple of months ago about what do you wish you knew when you were younger. Wish to have had MN for dating advice and to have stronger personal boundaries about what you would accept from men came up time and time again. MN can be bitchy at times but it is full of kind and caring women who want to help others avoid mistakes that they have made. Listen carefully to these women they have a lot of good knowledge and experience to share.

blubelle7 · 19/01/2020 02:14

Run OP
Don't look back either

MonaLisaDoesntSmile · 19/01/2020 08:00

I once went on a date with a guy who after a few drinks started taking about his ex. He actually saw her before the date as she was doing a lecture in one of the local museums. She kept on popping up in conversations here and there, and it clearly liked like he still has a huge thing. Listen to your instincts and run.

AlwaysCheddar · 19/01/2020 08:25

Walk away..... he’s using you, being nasty and manipulative. And probably lying too.

Upstartcrones · 19/01/2020 08:56

You're his plan B. He's keeping you both on the go in case one drops out.

This is not what a normal relationship looks like.

Upstartcrones · 19/01/2020 08:57

I can just hear him talking to his mates about how clever he is to have two girls fighting over him this type of bloke usually does.

HotGlueGun · 19/01/2020 09:12

I'm going to go against the grain here and say that what he's doing doesn't necessarily mean he wants her back. Only you know how he is with you and what kind of person he is. At best he's not being very respectful to you and at worst he's trying to win her back but I personally don't see why he can't be friends with his ex (if indeed that is genuinely what he wants). When I got together with my now DH he told me he was still good friends with his ex who he'd split from maybe 18m previously. Her things were still in his house, and they'd meet frequently. I'm not gonna lie... I did sometimes find this difficult and we would argue about it. But I knew he genuinely didn't want her back because of the way that we communicated about this issue... he took my feelings on board and moderated his behaviour accordingly. He did and still does occasionally buy her presents. Fast forward 10 years, we are happily married, 2 kids and I consider her a friend. Our situation might not be the norm but I just wanted to post an alternate view.

Smelborp · 19/01/2020 09:24

And when I say constant contact - it's basically about 6 lines of text about three times a day...

That’s a huge amount.

Regardless of what is going on between them, it’s not going to work with a man who dismisses your feelings by saying you’re not mature enough to understand. He’s too old for you as he’s using this age gap against you to position himself as the more knowledgeable and worldly.

Soundbyte · 19/01/2020 09:25

I have 3 kids with my ex and we get on great. We keep each other updated on anything to do with the children and we will have a cup of tea together when picking up/dropping off the kids, it’s all very ‘mature.’ We don’t however, text each other daily or even weekly, and we don’t exchange presents and we share children!

Your boyfriend is acting inappropriately and if that wasn’t bad enough he’s pointing fingers at your behaviour and making you feel wrong, insecure and small. That’s NOT normal, at any age or at any stage of a relationship. I hope you take steps to distance yourself and find someone who will treat you as you deserve to be treated x

iano · 19/01/2020 09:27

Run away! Who cares what's going on between them?He's not treating you like someone he's in a relationship with. He's using you!

CharlotteMD · 19/01/2020 09:37

I would suggest he too old for you. Chalk it up to experience and quietly end it.

KarmaStar · 19/01/2020 11:01

OP,
You came on here asking for advice and you have received it in abundance ,100% telling you to leave him.
Stop with the excuses.Take the advice you have kindly been given from people who want the best for you..

YasssKween · 19/01/2020 12:31

He's massively taking advantage of your inexperience. Hugely.

Also something I wish i had believed sooner - something doesn't have to be officially acceptable or unacceptable in relationships. There's no regulatory body!

If something doesn't sit right with you and makes you uncomfortable, you should communicate that to a partner.

It's then totally their choice whether to agree another way of doing things or say no actually I don't want to change that and you then agree to break up.

There are some boundaries that are fine with some people and dealbreakers for others.

Some people might be happy with this level and type of contact with an ex. That's fine. Some people aren't. That's fine too.

Both parties must be honest about their boundaries though, youll learn its no good to seek answers externally to yourself because that's when you end up pretending you're ok with stuff you aren't and that becomes toxic for everyone.

But back this specific case - personally I really think that any of this drama and snooping and disrespect and questioning your boundaries three months in... means it isn't the right relationship - it shouldn't be this hard this soon!

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