AIBU to expect hubby to have the snip?

[nutcrackingcrazy]

I really want my husband to have the snip. So far he's refusing because he can't deal with the thought of it. We have used condoms for 5 years now.

I don't want to have to be the one to organise the contraception - I feel I've done enough to my body.

I had 3 miscarriages, including losing our baby at 20 weeks. I've had 3 successful pregnancies but 3 c-sections, 2 emergency including one under a general anaesthetic. I've taken Clomid, had a lap and dye and generally poked and prodded fat too many times. I've have enough and I don't want any hormones or anything inserted!!

Is it too much to ask that he has the snip? We are committed to each other and marriage is strong but I'm upset by this.

Yanu to ask but he is not u to say no as it is permanent surgery. DH did get a vasectomy but it was his decision.

It is not unreasonable of him not to want a vasectomy. He is not expecting you to sort contraception if you have been using condoms for 5 years..

YABU about the snip.

His body, his choice. Full stop.

YANBU about using hormonal contraception yourself.

Your body, your choice. Full stop.

I think YABU to expect it, I wouldn't be happy if my partner expected me to have a surgical procedure.

YANBU to ask him but it's entirely his decision and he doesn't want to.

Yabu

It's ok to ask but it's his body, and fine for him to refuse. If you're using condoms why is it you who organises the contraception?

What is your objection to using condoms?

I’m actually with you - and my DH did have a vasectomy - once I explained my fear of another pregnancy, and my worries that condoms weren’t 100 percent effective and I explained that I could never really relax and enjoy sex.

Thanks ladies - you are probably right.

I just felt I'd done enough in our relationship and wanted him to offer something for us too.

My body is permanently damaged due to having children, I wouldn't change a thing but I suppose I felt that it wasn't an unreasonable ask of him.

Could have written this. 2 babies, put on loads of weight with both, breastfed both and also suffered a miscarriage. I was on the pill for 8 years on and off. I feel like me body has been through enough, I don’t want to pump anything else into it. Neither of us wants more children but he’s refusing to have the snip. I know he isn’t U to not do it, his body, his choice and all that but I really really wish he would.

I started a thread about this years ago and got my arse handed to me I'd researched sterilisation for me and couldn't get it on the NHS in my area and would have needed DH to take at least a week off if I'd gone private - which he refused to do, refused to pay or use the annual leave. So - stalemate. I stopped having sex with him. I'd lost all respect to be honest. He'd seen what I'd been through with the DC FFS.

Anyway it took bloody ages for him to really get it but eventually off he trotted to the GP and had the op a few weeks later as there was a tiny waiting list. He had it done on a Saturday morning, walked himself there and back (given he'd refused to give me a hypothetical lift to my hypothetical sterilisation I wasn't going to rearrange my life) and was back at work on Monday.

YABVU.

Hi body , his choice.

Just the same as it was your body, your choice throughout all your pregnancies, I am sure you did it your way with no interference or coercion on your DH part.

You could also go down the same route as @TwoHeadedYellowBelliedHoleDig and deny him sex to get what you want from him / get the result you want / have desired affect but Im sure you can see that that is coercion (and would NOT be tolerated by MN if it were a man doing similar to a woman to achieve desired result- this would be labelled emotional abuse)

But that , it would seem is ok.

*His body, his choice

His body his choice, but also your body your choice if you wish to stop having sex totally because of it.

If he can't see what you've done to your body for the benefit of having children and he wont have a minor surgery (because he's chicken-shit) to prevent you, his wife, from more suffering, then frankly he's a cunt.

deny him sex

This makes it sound like the husband is owed sex. Nobody has a right to sex and any person can refuse sex for whatever reason they want. Being scared of pregnancy and having lost all respect for your partner are completely normal reasons for not wanting sex.

@SpiderHunter my bad- phraseology..

"stopped having sex with him" to quote @TwoHeadedYellowBelliedHoleDig

YABVU. You can't force anybody to do anything to their body.

Cryingoverspilttea What a nasty piece of work you are. So someone who chooses their own bodily autonomy is a cunt? He's not making the OP take responsibility for contraception, he's opting to use condoms. Despite people referring to it as "the snip" not enough are aware that there are risks involved as with any surgery. Some men experience severe and permanent scrotal pain - which is an excellent contraceptive as then sex is forever off the table. Complications ar held to be around 1 in 10 but some studies believe it to be higher.

I could of written this myself as regards to the contraception
I'm due dc 3 this week.. I know I don't want more. This pregnancy has been horrible.. I'm exhausted blah blah.
I don't want anything inserted. I don't want any hormonal products.
He isn't keen on condoms. But would use them and never leave it up to me soley
I've had 3 laps , and other procedures all fertility related

He said yeah to snip and how does he go about it etc and said if that's what I wanted.. I said it has to be what we want not I.
But then in chatting I said its scary that it's a final decision.. No going back etc and it's got him thinking I think.. As all he says now is, reckon it'll hurt?.. Not as much as Labour love lol.

@TwoHeadedYellowBelliedHoleDig

If a man behaved that way to a woman he would be quite rightly handed his arse on a plate. I'm pleased most people agree that OP isn't being unreasonable to ask and explain her side of this but it is perfectly reasonable for him to say no. You did such a manipulative and selfish thing. And also something that implies people are owed sex, by using withholding it to get your way making it currency. No matter how happy I was with a partner I wouldn't push them to do this because what if something happened to me one day and they weren't with me any more - he has no options for future because I've forced his hand? Horrible thing you did, I would have left you for making that ultimatum about sex.

And he has a dc from a previous relationship in which we have shared care so its kinda dc 4 all tolled.

@YasssKween

This.

Totally with you on that. 100%!!!

Yes YABU. Not to sound harsh but you have no idea where life could take you. Commited relationship or not. What if your relationship goes wrong and he meets someone else and no longer has that option because you demanded it?

His body his choice.

My DH offered based on exactly this logic. I was taken aback initially as I’d never thought of it as an option, but now I’m very grateful. I can see some fairness in it. I would never force him, obviously, but I think it’s fully appropriate to expect it after so many years of physical burden on us. I’ve really come round to the idea. So I’m the odd one out on this thread in thinking YANBU.

Another thing that surprised me when we started looking into it: it isn’t necessarily as final as people assume. Vasectomy reversals apparently have come a long way in recent Years. www.mayoclinic.org/tests-procedures/vasectomy-reversal/about/pac-20384537

I don't think you are being unreasonable to expect him to have the snip. Yes its his choice not to and if he chooses not to then you cant force him. I also don't think it's unreasonable to stop having sex if you can't reach a decision on a suitable contraception for you both.
My husband had the snip due to me miscarrying several times and almost dying with the last one. I was actually with him during the procedure (at gp surgery) and he said it wasn't too bad and that the most painful part was the injection to numb the area. He was also back to work in a few days.