AIBU to expect hubby to have the snip?

[nutcrackingcrazy]

I really want my husband to have the snip. So far he's refusing because he can't deal with the thought of it. We have used condoms for 5 years now.

I don't want to have to be the one to organise the contraception - I feel I've done enough to my body.

I had 3 miscarriages, including losing our baby at 20 weeks. I've had 3 successful pregnancies but 3 c-sections, 2 emergency including one under a general anaesthetic. I've taken Clomid, had a lap and dye and generally poked and prodded fat too many times. I've have enough and I don't want any hormones or anything inserted!!

Is it too much to ask that he has the snip? We are committed to each other and marriage is strong but I'm upset by this.

I was annoyed & upset when DH refused after we finished our family I was 43 & he 41 & we have 3 so def done! We had talked about it before & he seemed willing but when it came down to it he wouldn't. I couldn't risk condoms (we'd had surprise no 3 at age 43 that was enough!) Eventually I got the coil & actually it's working really great for me, but the odd time I still get a little bit resentful he wouldn't do it!

ImNotACuntYoureACunt

This guy has been using condoms for 5 years. Certainly been taking responsibility.

You can aske, but the probalemi is the word expecting. Condoms didn,t work for me but if they work for you fine. If your that worried you could have tubes tied? Not saying you should but Then your incontrol rather putting it onto someone else.

Ah, but if you don't shag people because you don't want to, that's abuse! Allegedly.

Nope. "I don't want to Shag you" is fine.

"I don't want to shag you unless you do X" might well be abusive, especially if X is having surgery that you don't want.

So, imagine walking past some pro-life protesters then, or the way to a termination clinic in the US, then.

How do you think, "I'm having a termination because I thought it was abusive not to have sex with my husband" would fly with them?

I can see both sides of the story.

It's his body so it's his choice, and that is kind of that really.

But at the same time I see your point. As a woman, if you as a couple have children the physically and psychological trauma of being pregnant and giving birth is placed solely on you. And if like me you've been on the pill for years, birth control also lies with you, and that in itself is not without side effects nor is guaranteed. It can be a constant worry every time you have sex if you're not wanting to be one pregnant, and as women our bodies are subjected to enough; why shouldn't your partner 'share the physical/psychological load' of preventative birth control?

Ultimately the decision lies with your DH. But I don't think you're being unreasonable OP for feeling that way.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll

I did. And while I agree that it shouldn't be a competition, I think 15% of the very few men who vasectomies compared to 24/29/49% of the billions of women who have children is minimal.

My DH got the snip when our DD2 was 3 months old - he was back up and same as usual the next day. It’s final and that’s something that we had to discuss but I knew I didn’t want any more kids and he didn’t want to risk my life with another pregnancy.

18 months later and I wouldn’t have it any other way now

I knew I didn’t want any more kids

If you know that you don't want any more kids surely you end your own fertility, not someone else's?

If you split with your DH and you start another relationship you would still be at risk of pregnancy, which you don't want, whilst your exh couldn't have another child even if he wanted to.

Did you miss the bit with the 3 month old baby, HearHooves, or the casual reference to not risking her life with another pregnancy?

Hardly the ideal circumstances to sail into surgery, especially if she'd chosen to breastfeed.

JamieVardysHavingAParty

I didn't miss it no. Still no reason to insist that someone else gets surgery imo.

As regards risking her life - if she splits with her DH how does him having had a vasectomy protect her if she has sex with someone else? If she wants to avoid pregnancy or to not risk her life then the answer is for her to be sterilised.

If a man decides that he doesn't want to have children would it be ok for him to demand that his wife get sterilised? Of course it wouldn't. The person who doesn't want children us the one who should have the surgery.

Vasectomy isn't a walk in the park either.

Up to 2% risk of chronic pain which is actually quite high.

It was a choice to have 3 children knowing especially the 3rd time you'd need another section.

Sounds like condoms are working well for you and don't see the problem with continuing.

The primary method for married couples in Japan is condoms. I don't see why they are seen as a last resort here.

Did she say she insisted? Nope. That's your head, no-one else's.

If you didn't miss it, then don't you think that maybe, just maybe, they wanted to have the benefits of sterilisation sooner than would have been possible than if they'd waited until
she was fit for surgery, after going through pregnancy and childbirth? Hmm?

I mean, perhaps he was trying to avoid abusing himself?

If you know that you don't want any more kids surely you end your own fertility

But apparently a woman protecting/ending her own fertility by choosing not to have sex is abusive and coercive.

Thanks @Hearhoovesthinkzebras for tearing apart my life there

My DH doesn’t want any other kids either - 2 babies is enough for both of us.. And I definitely wouldn’t force it on another person. He, being a good man, seen how difficult c section surgery is for a woman (me) and decided that it would be easier for him to undergo surgery.
And yup, I was also breastfeeding so hormonal contraceptives were a no go - that was the advice given to me by my OB/GYN.

And if we ever split up I’ll have to make sure to not have unprotected sex then.

YABU to expect him to, yes. What's wrong with contuining to use condoms?

I will never understand the 'my body went through enough with childbirth, now it's your turn to suffer' argument. Presumably she wanted to have children too. And it's not like he could have given birth.

Hmm. What's his reason?
Whilst its true that it's his body etc so long as he doesn't want any more kids then one could argue it's a bit unreasonable. What if the condom splits or comes off? Itll be you getting the morning after pill and dealing with that or a termination or an unwanted pregnancy.
You're right that your body has been through enough
My dh had one and he said it was pretty minor, albeit no complications.
He was reluctant to consider it initially but after a condom fail booked it in immediately without any input from me.
If it's because he xant be arsed or because itll hurt then I think he is U frankly.

JamieVardysHavingAParty

If that man wanted to have a vasectomy then that's an entirely different scenario than the one the op is talking about, and so entirely irrelevant to the thread isn't it? That the poster chose to share it, on a thread discussing men not wanting a vasectomy, I don't think I'm wrong to assume that the same circumstances applied, otherwise what's the point in sharing that story?

But apparently a woman protecting/ending her own fertility by choosing not to have sex is abusive and coercive.

Who has said that though?

Not abusive to say I don't want to have sex because I'm scared of getting pregnant.

It is abusive to say I won't have sex until you get a vasectomy.

I think you are reasonable to expect him to take the option seriously - to investigate it and make an informed decision. He is being unreasonable for not being prepared to think about it.

I think.people are minimising the effects of a vasectomy. Not even just the physical effects, which can be serious, but the emotional and psychological effects. I'm approaching menopause and the realisation that the end of my fertility is in sight is affecting me badly.

Abortion isn't a major procedure - done as a day case, under sedation or even by taking oral medication but no one should argue that it's a minor thing. So would a man be right to insist that his partner have an abortion or else he will leave, not support the child etc? If he did most people would say that he's terrible, abusive etc because we would recognise that it's not only the severity of the procedure that matters but the effects on the woman emotionally and psychologically. There might be very good reasons why continuing with the pregnancy isn't a good idea but still most of us would say the man would be wrong for pressuring the woman to terminate if she didn't want to. I don't see this as any different. Pressuring a man into having a vasectomy is wrong. Just as a man pressurising a woman to get sterilised is wrong.

Sorry OP I find men who refuse to get the snip after their wife has birthed their children and taken the pill, been through fertility treatment... PATHETIC!!! I’d stop having sex with him. Makes my blood boil. It is very very minor surgery with teeny tiny risks compared to, oh you know, giving birth!!!

An ex colleague of dh's spent a week in hospital following his "snip". He still has chronic pain 2 years later. It might be a tiny chance but I'd wouldn't want my dh to go through that and I say that as someone who has had 2 emergency sections and had postpartum psychosis after dc1.

In previous threads where the woman has accidentally fallen pregnant because her contraception has failed the general response is even though she has been using contraception her DP should also have used condoms as an extra precaution. You cant make him have a vasectomy if he is using condoms then he is taking care of contraception. If you want more protection then that is up to you ro sort out.

Vasectomy carries a 10% risk of PVPS, frequently untreatable. Then there is a 15% risk of pain/discomfort 0-3 months. Don't trivialize the risks, they are real.

I'm amazed there are suggestions that I should get sterilised instead of him having the snip?!

Yet another bout of surgery- why is the woman expected to suffer that but the man (from what it seems) completely let off having ANYTHING done?

That makes NO sense to me!

There are two people responsible for a pregnancy!