AIBU to expect hubby to have the snip?

[nutcrackingcrazy]

I really want my husband to have the snip. So far he's refusing because he can't deal with the thought of it. We have used condoms for 5 years now.

I don't want to have to be the one to organise the contraception - I feel I've done enough to my body.

I had 3 miscarriages, including losing our baby at 20 weeks. I've had 3 successful pregnancies but 3 c-sections, 2 emergency including one under a general anaesthetic. I've taken Clomid, had a lap and dye and generally poked and prodded fat too many times. I've have enough and I don't want any hormones or anything inserted!!

Is it too much to ask that he has the snip? We are committed to each other and marriage is strong but I'm upset by this.

It has to be his decision.
It isn’t without its complications.
It’s permanent.
His decision.

I'm sorry- I should clarify a few things.

I completely accept it is his decision not to have the snip - but I still find it upsetting.

I have never put pressure on him to do it.

I do not, and never have, thought of it as 'pay back' - we are a partnership and I willingly had my children and the damage to my body is worth every minute of being with my children.

@TwoHeadedYellowBelliedHoleDig

That's a dangerous strategy. My ex tried the same approach for another medical issue. I said I would not be cooerced into doing something I want. After a month of deadlock she assumed that my will was broken. When it wasn't she was pissed but then smirked well no sex for you then. She didn't know I'd started sleeping with an old flame that week.Two years later and we're engaged to be married and the ex is still alone.

I did. And while I agree that it shouldn't be a competition, I think 15% of the very few men who vasectomies compared to 24/29/49% of the billions of women who have children is minimal.

You make it sound like all or most of those children aren't wanted by the mothers and that they're a direct result of rape by male partners/aggressors or at least of men refusing to use any kind of contraception.

It's perfectly reasonable for a woman to refuse to have sex with her partner or indeed any man who will not use an acceptable method of contraception.

Equally, it's not reasonable for a man to be affronted if he is refused sex if he is unwilling to use contraception.

It's not just a man vs woman issue - serious complications resulting from a vasectomy will also impact on the man's ability to earn money and contribute towards the family finances.

As with choosing to have a baby, a vasectomy should be a choice actively made by the person whose body will be affected and who is aware of all the risks.

I do not, and never have, thought of it as 'pay back' - we are a partnership and I willingly had my children and the damage to my body is worth every minute

Erm in your opening post you listed a bunch of sacrifices you've made and then expressed hurt that he won't make this sacrifice in turn. We're just connecting the dots hun

It's up to your husband really.
I hate the argument of pregnancy and childbirth being bandied about as a reason why he should have the procedure.
Yes, you could just stop having sex, equally you could have a sensible grown up discussion about it to reach the best conclusion for both parties.
Stamping your feet and withholding something is childish and blackmailing. You might as well stand there and shout that you'll scweam and scweam until your sick.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. I think your body has been through enough! Obviously you can’t force him to have one but I think it’s reasonable to ask and I would be angry too if he refused.

My DH has agreed to have the snip once we’ve had our second baby but we’ll see if he goes through with it. I would try have a serious discussion about why he doesn’t want one and explain why you don’t want more hormones or invasive surgery.

Yet another bout of surgery- why is the woman expected to suffer that but the man (from what it seems) completely let off having ANYTHING done?

The person who definitely wants no more children should be the one to permanently remove their fertility.

You make it sound like all or most of those children aren't wanted by the mothers and that they're a direct result of rape by male partners/aggressors or at least of men refusing to use any kind of contraception.

Wow. That's quite a leap!

I genuinely have no clue how you've come to that conclusion.

It's not a remotely unreasonable ask, and it's fine of you to be upset that he's exercised his right to choose in a way that leaves you facing either the use of a less reliable method or more toll on your body.

Haven't read full thread but yes you are unreasonable to EXPECT him to. You are not unreasonable to ASK him to.

You make it sound like all or most of those children aren't wanted by the mothers and that they're a direct result of rape by male partners/aggressors or at least of men refusing to use any kind of contraception.

Wow. That's quite a leap!

I genuinely have no clue how you've come to that conclusion.

You were juxtaposing the complications of birth with those of vasectomies, were you not? That would only make sense if all of those mothers were selflessly having babies that they had no interest in for their husbands/partners who did want them.

If a woman doesn’t want a baby, she should absolutely have full autonomy not to have a baby; however, if she does want a baby and she is in a heterosexual couple, then clearly the only natural option available is for her to have the baby as her partner obviously cannot possibly do this.

If a couple both want to have sexual relations but at least one of them doesn’t want a baby, there is a wide range of contraceptive choices that they can make, which will vastly lower their chances of conceiving an unwanted baby. Two of these are (usually) irreversible, some of them are invasive and can have unpleasant (sometimes lasting) side effects whilst others are single-application methods with no lasting effects once the session is finished.

Of the two irreversible methods, neither should ever be chosen or encouraged unless the person whose body it will render infertile is 100% certain that they want it done of their own free will.

In the same way that the person has the full choice as to whether or not to end their own fertility, any potential sexual partner also has the full choice to base their decision as to whether or not to have sex with them on their fertility/infertility. They may choose to decline because they don't want to risk becoming a parent; equally, they may choose to decline on the grounds that they do want to become a parent and they may see an infertile partner as not being in a position to help them to achieve this.