AIBU to expect hubby to have the snip?

[nutcrackingcrazy]

I really want my husband to have the snip. So far he's refusing because he can't deal with the thought of it. We have used condoms for 5 years now.

I don't want to have to be the one to organise the contraception - I feel I've done enough to my body.

I had 3 miscarriages, including losing our baby at 20 weeks. I've had 3 successful pregnancies but 3 c-sections, 2 emergency including one under a general anaesthetic. I've taken Clomid, had a lap and dye and generally poked and prodded fat too many times. I've have enough and I don't want any hormones or anything inserted!!

Is it too much to ask that he has the snip? We are committed to each other and marriage is strong but I'm upset by this.

I had to give my consent, as part of the counselling, which I found objectionable, because as you say it's his body, his choice.

When was this? That is outrageous. Can you imagine if men had to give consent before women could under go a procedure?

Why are people comparing a vasectomy with giving birth or hormonal contraception? A vasectomy is a procedure to permanently remove fertility. The only comparison is with female sterilisation.

@WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll

I am 100% with you on the matter of Circumcision- FGM is an abhorrent crime which is thankfully illegal in the UK now.

MGM? cutting off a part of a male babies' body? Oh... thats totally fine- we can even wheel in a spiritual leader of your faith to do it..Disgusting. Alll in the name of "faith" or "hygiene" or

Having a vasectomy is fine if both parties agree, and a partnership both want it (not being coerced) - it is also reversible in many cases.

I totally understand some women feel exposed/ unsafe without contraception and if they have been taking responsibility for it thus far then too right the man should take some for it now. but surely it should be a JOINT DECISION ? rather than (ready @skiptheskip)

The woman wont have sex/chooses not to have sex/ doesn't feel like or consents to sex with her OH until HE has a certain surgery she has chosen for him.

The other way round would be abuse and coercion- and you know it.

Adding a male perspective...

We have 7 healthy kids ( and have had a miscarriage and stillbirth), there are a number of reasons that my wife wanted to avoid hormonal contraceptives (clot risk being the main one).

You need to have a long conversation, if condoms have worked for 5 years, that's a reasonable option, particularly given that male hormonals are on the horizon.

I had a vasectomy via a no scalpel technique, it was one of the least pleasent experiences of my life and have had about a year of referred pain to my loins since, that said, overall it was worth it, but I can foresee complications for some people that leave their sex lives permanently negatively affected.

Like any medical procedure it's a risk benefit balance, I'd suggest that both of you together go see a sexual health practitioner and explore all the options.

My DP refuses the snip so I am on the waiting list for sterilisation. My appointment letter should come through any time as of now.
I can't wait actually.

@BlokeTarget yes I did read your 'correction' and the rest of your posts, and it still sounds like you think a woman refusing to have sex for fear of an unwanted pregnancy and/or because she's lost all respect for her husband, as coercion on her part.

but surely it should be a JOINT DECISION ?
Yes it should.

As should only using condoms.

If at any point either party aren't 100% about the decision, they have the right to stop having sex without being accused of coercion.

The poster you were quoting had decided that for her using only condoms didn't feel safe enough - and you're throwing the words abuse and coercion around.

Male hormones have been on the horizon for years, PP - nothing is ever concluded because the side effects the menz experience on the hormones is Just Not Cricket. Depression, weight gain, mood swings, acne...still at least women are spared these inconveniences on their health. Oh, hang on....

I seem to be in a minority here. But actually I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. Your body has been through enough. I think it's his turn especially if he is 100,% sure he doesn't way any children.

On the one hand it's right that it's "his body and his choice" and I wouldn't deny that.

But equally, when you have borne children and put your body at risk for the benefit of you of a couple so you can have your family. For your partner to then refuse to take risk to also do best by your family is likely to completely change your view of them as a person.

That is the risk he's taking by refusing.

My DH asked for time to consider it and time after our second to make sure that we were certain we wanted no more. We were. I gave him space. He chose to have the operation.

His recovery was not as simple as it can be for some men. If I had pushed and pushed and then that had been the result I would imagine he'd have resented me as much as I would would have resented an outright refusal to consider it. As it happens I cares for him during recovery as much as he cares for me during recovery after having the kids and it worked.

Try talking calmly about it and discussing plans for long term contraception if this is not something he wants to do

As has been said, vasectomy is by no means a risk-free procedure. 10-15% of men suffer complications and pain afterwards, often permanent and/or debilitating.

Poor babies. Because women never suffer after childbirth.

I'm always shocked by how the replies these threads are almost always so misogynistic.

As has been said, vasectomy is by no means a risk-free procedure. 10-15% of men suffer complications and pain afterwards, often permanent and/or debilitating.

Poor babies. Because women never suffer after childbirth.

I'm always shocked by how the replies these threads are almost always so misogynistic.

Did you actually read the rest of what I wrote? It sounds like you may not have done

Stop having PIV, much easier

YABU. You are asking him to possibly permanently give up his fertility. Reversals are not guaranteed.

His body, his choice but I'd be afraid to have sex with him with just condoms if you are ultra fertile. DH took himself off for one. I was done with hormones and copper coil was not for me.

BlokeTarget and YassKween

You either think women owe men sex or you are personally irresponsible with your own contraception.

Which is it?

If one partner doesn't think the method of contraception being used is good enough to prevent unplanned pregnancy, then the responsible thing to do is to abstain.

No one has a right to have sex with anyone else, if one person stops that is not "coercive " what a load of tosh. Rapey tosh too.

Refusing to have penetrative sex because you are uncomfortable with the risk of pregnancy with condoms is not abusive. Likelihood of pregnancy may be small but the consequences may be great. But he should not be pressured into a vasectomy either - as that would be just as abusive as pressuring for sex.

YANBU to ask but you can't force it.

You get lots of people (women) on here saying that men can do their bit etc but it's still surgery and it can go wrong. BIL was ill for months after having it.

Just carry on with the condoms.

I'm always shocked by how the replies these threads are almost always so misogynistic

It's no misogynistic to not expect people (of whatever biological sex) to have unwanted surgery. Condoms work fine. So does abstinence.

when you have borne children and put your body at risk for the benefit of you of a couple so you can have your family

Yes but I had a choice over that. We had one child. DH would probably have liked another, but he realised that I had to do all the work and it was my body that was being put at risk, not his, all he had to do was have enjoyable sex. I wanted to quit while I was ahead. So we didn't have another child. In hindsight I think he thinks one was fine too.

Big difference between saying "I'm worried about getting pregnant so don't want to have sex" and "we're not having sex until you have a vasectomy"

Plus, citing long term health risks of pregnancy and childbirth - did someone pressure you into having a child against your will? If so, that's very wrong, if not then you had the choice to not have children if you don't like the associated risks. Just like men can refuse vasectomy if they don't like the associated risks.

There was another thread recently in which people were asking why so many women had unplanned pregnancies.

This shite is why. As long as people think it is the duty of the reluctant partner who thinks their current contraceptive measures aren't reliable enough to just lie back and shut up, the unplanned pregnancy rate won't be dropping.

Thus far, I have never had an unplanned pregnancy. That is partially luck, because contraceptive failure is impossible to eliminate entirely.

But it is also partially because I have a rock-hard core of responsibility and self-esteem, and if I don't think current contraceptive measures are good enough, I will laugh in your face if you tell me I'm being abusive for abstaining from penetrative sex with you. You don't get to coerce me into gambling my health and 18 years of financial and emotional responsibility by calling me coercive.

You don't get to coerce me into gambling my health and 18 years of financial and emotional responsibility by calling me coercive.

And the same type of man who does this would also be the type to try to manipulate a woman into an abortion she doesn't want because he has a fundamental sexist idea that contraception is a woman's remit and having a termination is no big deal.

I really can't see myself fancying such a person enough to shag them, tbh.

My dh has had it done and it isn't a nice pain free thing. He was sensitive and uncomfortable for weeks.

If your dh doesn't want it done then you can't force him. Just use condoms or stay away from sex.

Ah, but if you don't shag people because you don't want to, that's abuse! Allegedly.

I really fancy Robert Downey Jr. Presumably it's abuse for him to turn me down, too, right?

Oh wait, standards of human decency apply to women's behaviour.

YANBU to want him to take some responsibility now after all your body has been through but it’s still his choice whether he has the snip or not. What’s his opinion on condoms? If I’m honest, if he’s negative about using them as well as refusing to have the snip I’d most likely end up resenting him. But it really does depend on his attitude.