AIBU to expect hubby to have the snip?

[nutcrackingcrazy]

I really want my husband to have the snip. So far he's refusing because he can't deal with the thought of it. We have used condoms for 5 years now.

I don't want to have to be the one to organise the contraception - I feel I've done enough to my body.

I had 3 miscarriages, including losing our baby at 20 weeks. I've had 3 successful pregnancies but 3 c-sections, 2 emergency including one under a general anaesthetic. I've taken Clomid, had a lap and dye and generally poked and prodded fat too many times. I've have enough and I don't want any hormones or anything inserted!!

Is it too much to ask that he has the snip? We are committed to each other and marriage is strong but I'm upset by this.

@YasssKween and @BlokeTarget

So is @TwoHeadedYellowBelliedHoleDig supposed to keep having sex with her DH even though she has lost respect for him, she was worried about getting pregnant and he was refusing to take any responsibility for contraception?

That is only manipulative if you consider that she owes him sex. Personally I believe that anyone has a right to say no to sex for any reason they like

If you've explained your reasons to him and he still won't, you have to accept it.

DH did when I asked him. We have 1 DC by choice and had agreed that once I'd had enough of being in charge of contraceptives, he would.

Sorry OP I find men who refuse to get the snip after their wife has birthed their children and taken the pill, been through fertility treatment... PATHETIC!!! I’d stop having sex with him. Makes my blood boil. It is very very minor surgery with teeny tiny risks compared to, oh you know, giving birth!!!

So he wants you to undertake more risky surgery? I wouldn't like that

My ex had complications after surgery but that was because he refused to wear supportive underwear like they are supposed to he winges now and I tell him if he wore underwear it wouldn't happen but noooo he prefers to go commando and gets discomfort (it's not pain because he would be taking medication he is not one to suffer)

Fact is it's an easier operation than women have to go through quicker recovery times etc etc

I came off the pill about 3 years before our first child so we had used condoms. After our last child i said i was happy to use condoms but wouldn't be going back to the pill and didn't want to have a coil etc. He could obviously choose a vasectomy and he did. I supported him, made sure he could fully relax to recover to avoid complications and he is fine. Great decision.

There is a difference between and man and a woman being the one to stop having sex with their partner: if contraception is an issue, she may be worried about a pregnancy taking further toll on her body. This wouldn't be the case with a man.

Right, so I was supposed to want to have sex with someone who didn't give a shit about my health, had shown me no respect and who would not use a condom???? Reader, I didn't

Or was I supposed to pollute my body with hormonal contraception due to his coercive control because he wanted to have sex with someone who didn't want to have sex with him anyway because he was a selfish arsehole - you're happy with that? Because he's more important, being a man?

Marriage is a partnership and he is an autonomous human being. I could not force him to do anything, just as he couldn't force me. If he'd wanted to end the partnership due to lack of sex then that would have been fine with me because it would have been due to him forcing me to have another child and/or sex i didn't want with a selfish arsehole.

As I said, I was happy to be sterilised myself - but he didn't want to look after the children while I had it, or recovered, and he didn't want to pay for it either.

I pushed the baby out DP got the snip, he felt that was more than fair.
Perhaps your DH is hedging his bets incase you were to separate and him want children with another woman in the future?

deny him sex to get what you want from him / get the result you want / have desired affect but Im sure you can see that that is coercion

What the actual fuck?

"Deny him sex".

@BlokeTarget nobody is 'entitled' to have sex... it sounds awfully like you think they are... and there's a name for men who act on that belief

My husband is the same. After the second he was very keen to get the snip. Went to the dr and they said he has to wait until the youngest was 1 to make sure. She is now 5 and he keeps putting it off. I really don’t want another child and neither does he. Number 2 was conceived whilst using condoms so really not happy just using them but I am done with hormone contraction

My DH refused the snip, despite many miscarriages over the years in our relationship. Still, have to respect that. YABU.
Are you willing to be sterilised?

@TwoHeadedYellowBelliedHoleDig why are you married to him if he's such an arse? You don't sound like you even like him.

YABU OP. I never get this "I had the baby so he should get the snip" as presumably children was something you BOTH wanted. It's unfair to make someone do something to their body that they don't want.

No harm in asking but if he won't he won't.

No harm in asking but if he won't he won't

So why the onus on the wife to come up with a solution? When all the risk is hers.

I asked. He said no. I made some changes to our lifestyle to accommodate his decision . He thought on it some more, he declared he'd had a marvellous idea that might just work i.e he could have a vasectomy, I said brilliant dear, if only I'd thought of that a year ago and he got one. I had to give my consent, as part of the counselling, which I found objectionable, because as you say it's his body, his choice. He could have found another solution - but it was his responsibility, not mine, to find a solution to the problem he created.

He's not an arse most of the time, but he had no concept of what spending 8 years constantly either pregnant and/or breastfeeding was like, he just thought we had 4 lovely children and a few more would be brilliant, it's not like he was giving birth to them after all.

My DH practically ran to the GP the moment I give birth to our third.
He definitely doesn't want any more children (number 3 was a lovely surprise)

He's logic was I've taken contraception our whole relationship and have given birth and my body has been through enough.

It's the tiniest little incision I've ever seen and I struggled to muster up much sympathy having been stitched up more than once. It's been 3 months and you can't even see a scar now.

Obviously you can't force him it's his body- but as with some other pp's- I find it a rather selfish thing not to.

If you don't want want any more children then you get sterilised. It's just a keyhole surgery, far less invasive than vasectomy. You can't make him have it. Your body your choice works for both sexes I'm afraid.

Condoms are mutual though, definitely not unreasonable to ask, but not unreasonable of him to say no either. He might change his mind, but I wouldn't try to force his hand.

YABU. You shouldn’t be expecting him to have permanent surgery. His body, his choice. If he doesn’t want to, that’s the end of it.

Trying to cajole someone into something they aren’t happy with, especially concerning changing their body via surgery, is very manipulative and borderline abusive.

I'm in the same position as the op. We've always used condoms (except when ttc). I think we'd have more sex if he had the snip, I do worry about pregnancy, but his choice. He's had a mate who had an infection after the snip and it put him off. I don't think its fair.

YABVU.

A vasectomy is a life changing surgery, not without risks.

YABU to expect him to undergo this procedure.

And you have been using condoms for 5 years- he has been playing his part- I would suggect condoms have more impact on a man's sexual pleasure than a woman's.

It is always unreasonable to 'expect' another human being to have surgery. No surgery is risk free and if it isn't your body it isn't your choice.

There is a difference between and man and a woman being the one to stop having sex with their partner: if contraception is an issue, she may be worried about a pregnancy taking further toll on her body. This wouldn't be the case with a man.

To be fair, he may also be worried about having to provide for the child for 18+ years, should one come along.

I think everybody, man or woman, has to understand that pregnancy is a possibility of having sex. Using contraception (properly) will dramatically reduce the risk, but it won't eliminate it 100%. Anybody who doesn't want to take the risk of becoming a parent, however small that risk, has the right to choose not to take the risk.

@skiptheskip

What the actual fuck?

"Deny him sex".

@BlokeTarget nobody is 'entitled' to have sex... it sounds awfully like you think they are... and there's a name for men who act on that belief hmm

Did you actually READ my correction under my first post? clearly not. I corrected it to what the quote actually said- realising full well some reader will undoubtedly clench.hard.

Go back and have another read....

Every time you have sex you risk pregnancy. I would rather take care of my own contraception to be honest than trust someone else to do it.

I too wish people would stop calling it 'the snip', as if it was like clipping toenails or having a haircut. A lot of people laugh off male circumcision the same way (as has been discussed at great lengths in a number of previous threads).

Nobody would routinely describe labour and birth, with all of its pain and (often lifelong) complications as 'popping out a baby' to the extent that that became its de facto common term of reference. "He can't be bothered to have the snip"; "She can't be bothered to pop out another baby" etc.

As has been said, vasectomy is by no means a risk-free procedure. 10-15% of men suffer complications and pain afterwards, often permanent and/or debilitating.

It's not a competition: safeguarding and improving female health doesn't mean we have to belittle or minimise male health.

I'm also wondering what the issue is with using condoms. If he were refusing to use them and expecting/demanding the OP have hormones or objects put inside her body for their joint contraception needs, it would be a totally different matter, but condoms, when used properly, are a very reliable form of contraception (bearing in mind that nothing is 100%), so I don't see the issue.

Apologies if I've misinterpreted, but OP seems to be wanting him to have a vasectomy as 'proof' of his commitment by having some pain and discomfort (and associated risk of complications) himself, rather than it actually being a necessary thing to do.

She could beat him repeatedly around the head with a solid oak chair (not suggesting she would or should) and that still wouldn't take away any of the pregnancy, birth and post-birth pain that she has suffered.

Very odd.