Would you have a baby at 45?

[84wood]

Hello

I am considering having another baby. We’ve already got a lovely DC who’s 5 and we’ve really enjoyed being parents. I had a trouble free pregnancy and had my child privately so I’m lucky to know all the best doctors and units. I’m also in very good health. It would be a bit of a financial struggle as DC is in a private school but not impossible. How would you feel? Would you try?
Thanks so much for reading and for any advice.

Jameelia

Having money will not help if your diet is bad and you don’t exercise

But if you always had a good diet and exercised and have good genetics then I don’t see why ill health should affect you till you get to be very old.

Dmil up to being 92 was looking after herself. Shopping, cooking, cleaning, going out each night, going on holiday.

Some people thought she was in her 60s rather than 90s

There is an island in the Far East where the people live to be very very old (100+)

Their diet and exercise as well as their genetics are an extreme example.

They still shop and cook and clean and look after themselves well into 100s

Declining health need not be a given as soon as you get to 45

How anyone can look at that and think it is a good idea is baffling but I suppose we all have different levels of risk that we are willing to take on. Living in a care home does not mean your children are exempt from caring, it comes with visits, ensuring your care plan is kept to, facilitating the move to a nursing home when you need more care, doctor's appointments, managing finances, handling complications such as a home saying your needs are too complex and you need to move on, dealing with your parent becoming unrecognisable, calls about mum going into people's rooms and unsettling other residents, calls from social services, hospital admissions, care home fees, the list is endless. It is not just walk into a care home and all is taken care of. Your children still need to advocate for your needs and deal with complications that arise. How many 18-20yo are equipped to deal with such a situation?

@Oliversmumsarmy

It is not the norm though. People like that are outliers and it is disingenuous to suggest otherwise. It is so surprising that your DMIL is capable of these things that it is worth mentioning. Why? Because it is so out of the ordinary and not normal. Diet and exercise are not going to save you from the ageing process.

I didn’t say diet and exercise were going to save you from the aging process but whilst you are aging chronologically then diet and exercise will stave off some diseases that come with aging and keep you going in relatively good health for a decade or 3

Dmil up to being 92 was looking after herself. Shopping, cooking, cleaning, going out each night, going on holiday.

That is highly unusual though, and the statistics prove it.

Some people thought she was in her 60s rather than 90s

While that may be true, it's also possible that people were flattering her. As recent threads on here show, age guessing comments are pretty meaningless. We had one woman genuinely believe that people mistook her for her 16 year old son's girlfriend.

I think 45 is fine. How many men have kids at 45? As long as you’re healthy I would go for it op.

But in her area she wasn’t alone in doing these sorts of things.

Dmil diet was no red meat, 1/2 grapefruit for breakfast, salad for lunch and grilled fish/chicken or smoke salmon with vegetables and or salad for dinner and occasionally a couple of boiled potatoes or rice, but not every night

She was very very slim with loads of energy.

How anyone can look at that and think it is a good idea is baffling but I suppose we all have different levels of risk that we are willing to take on.

But that applies to much more than just age. You could be just as baffled by people who have children and have other risk factors that makes it non optimal.

For example mothers who have children with low incomes and no financial security, illness and/or disability, no support network.

That’s why the overall picture needs to be taken into account. An older mother, in great health, financially very secure, good support network would, in all probability be putting less pressure on her DC than a younger mother with poor health, no financial security and no network.

I am 45.

DD is 14. (And SNs - ASD, ADHD).

I work FT, with some travel, DH works FT with a lot of travel.

DD is now in secondary school, so more independent. Getting to be somewhat human in her interactions with people (actually chatty some days, very sarcastic a lot, but hormones have also kicked in).

We have started to get a life back in some respects. We haven't managed any time away as a couple for a few years now (DFIL died, DMIL has a lot of demands on DH, DD has a very active sports and activities life at weekends, and our rare weekends that are free end up being for DPs and DMIL). But we have had a good few nights out alone and with friends, as adults - DD has moved from happy with a babysitter to being happy home alone as long as we're contactable and home at a reasonable hour. (We live a distance from family so used to use paid babysitters locally, overnights aren't possible unless we bring her down to family first which basically means we'd get less than half a weekend to ourselves).

But teenage years also bring their own challenges, in school, activities and at home. Diaries clashing. Demands for money (school things as much as requests for enough to meet friends for hot chocolate in coffee shops etc). Fewer clothes are needed, but the type and labels are far more important (a\nd need to be tried on in person so I can't just pick them up online or on my lunchbreak).

And both DH and I are very busy with work - he has been promoted in recent years, and while I have stayed at the same level since shortly after DD was born, I know part of that is because I haven't been able to dedicate myself to prepping for interviews or pushing extra projects like I used to before she arrived. And I am the person who stepped back to not travel much and not stay late much etc at work - we both juggle, and DH has done as much as me in terms of covering illness etc - but I have stepped back for DD, taken extra time off to cover summers, done the regular doctors appointments, taken the extra parenting classes that are only available in the working day etc.

And I am getting tired - its an age thing. I don't have time to exercise anymore, and I am definitely hitting peri-menopause at least. I really couldn't see myself chasing after another baby at my age. I love seeing various DNieces and DNephews - but being able to hand them back (ranging from just a few months to 11). I quite like being a Cub Scout leader - but (other than paperwork) that is only 90 minutes a week. The thoughts of being responsible again for a very small person actually fills me with dread.

But it does suit some people - I have an Aunt who had her 1st at 34, and her 3rd at 42. And she is looking fab, has 3 great DCs (aged 10-18), manages work (but is PT) and home, they are all doing lots of extra curriculars etc - she also has a great social life. But had a lot more family support around her to help out, all along the way.

11 years is the average difference in health between people who live a healthy pretty stress free life, and those who don't.
Not 20 or 30 years. If you live 30 years longer than average without any health issues, then that is down to genetics and luck.

I agree with Oliversmummy in that diet & exercise can make a big difference to fitness levels as we age. My 83 yo DF is a prime example, he does have some serious health problems, such as diabetes & kidney disease, but despite this is surprisingly fit & active for his age. As an ex physio/PT instructor he knows his stuff & still exercises everyday & his doctor says he has the body of a 60yo. He's also still incredibly sharp minded & would & does often pass for 65, so there are things that can help

My old boss was a PE instructor and ran sports clubs in the evening. He ate very healthily and spent about 3-4 hours a day exercising and the rest on his feet. By his mid-sixties he had bad angina.

Yes there are examples of older people who are doing well for their age. But the statistics don't lie. For every 'healthy' 95 year old there's someone dying in their 60s. Nobody can say with confidence that they will one day be a healthy 95 year old, the odds are slim regardless of whether you had a 95 year old granny or not.

I was hoping to TTC no 3 later this year- I'm 38. This thread is even making me have doubts...

It can be down to mental attitude. My DM isn't physically healthier than my MIL, it's the other way around. But my DM spends 2-3 months per year to work on her charity project. She's had malaria several times, and also flu. She catches every infection going around. My MIL is hardly ever unwell, but she worries about everything and asks advice from her 2 DSs before making any decisions. Physically she's hampered having had 2 hip replacements and 1 knee replacement.

You would never believe that my MIL is the younger grandma. There really is such a thing as mind over matter.

I was hoping to TTC no 3 later this year- I'm 38. This thread is even making me have doubts

Well I wouldn’t let some randoms on the internet talk you out of what’s right for your family.

I had my second at 37. No regrets at all. If I wanted a third I wouldn’t hesitate to go again.

No amount of positive mental attitude can prevent you from getting cancer, or having a stroke, or developing dementia.

This thread is mad.

Btw I think 38 is fine, it's when you start pushing into the 40s that age related concerns become more relevant.

I agree this thread is mad. People like to deny reality.

38 is a world away from 45 plus

@Sakura7 I didn't say that was always the case. I said it can be a factor. Her mother died of a heart attack at 49. When it comes to things like that, obviously positive mental attitude won't stop people from dying.

I've been arguing against TTC at 45.

My friend's DH has Alzheimer's, and he was full of life before that.

MN is funny. 45 yo are old and in need of a carer when it's a young woman marry a man 15-20 years her senior e.g 30 year old woman marrying a 45 year old men, posters go out of their way to say he is marrying an in-house carer, by the time he is 60 her life will be over - she is stupid and insecure and must have Daddy issues, he wont be able to help her with the children, but as soon as the question is is it advisable for a 45yo woman (with a DH of similar age or older) to have a baby, 40 is suddenly a fountain of youth and young women who had their children at a younger age are poor, overweight and self-obsessed, or should driving checks be instituted once you reach a certain age-outcries of no- younger drivers are more dangerous etc.

MN definitely is ageist...against young women though

84wood I haven't read the whole thread, just the first couple of pages where you get so many "no's". Maybe the tone of it changes later.
I just wanted to say I had a baby at 45. It wasn't planned. My other child was 8 at the time. It was a shock at first which was the hardest part of it for me and you wouldn't have that. I'm really surprised so many people have said not to do it.
I know I've been lucky but I had a good pregnancy and a wonderful healthy baby. I had all the tests I could while pregnant and of course there's a lot of luck involved.
I'd say if you want it, go for it.

I had my youngest at 42 I'm certainly
More tired than I was when I had my eldest At 32 but would t change it for the world . My cut of was 45 for ttc 2nd child . Thankfully my ds is healthy and happy and 3 in 2 weeks