Would you have a baby at 45?

[84wood]

Hello

I am considering having another baby. We’ve already got a lovely DC who’s 5 and we’ve really enjoyed being parents. I had a trouble free pregnancy and had my child privately so I’m lucky to know all the best doctors and units. I’m also in very good health. It would be a bit of a financial struggle as DC is in a private school but not impossible. How would you feel? Would you try?
Thanks so much for reading and for any advice.

I'm utterly shocked by the judgement on this thread. As an older mum I haven't ever really felt judged by anyone, makes me wonder now what they're really thinking. Ahhh but to be honest I don't give a shit, because I know my boy is happy and I am giving him the best life I can, not selfish at all.

I totally agree. I'm also a 40s mum
As a pp said earlier she finds this thread depressing as she's ttc at 40 something. My SIL was very scathing when i told her we'd been ttc no.2 for ages. All her judgement was around risk of disability. I'm now too scared and at 47 feel that's us one and done. But i can see why the op wants a sibling for her 5 year old as i did too. It wasn't to be.

Incidentally my DM had me at 32, got cancer at 60, lived to 76. Illness can happen at any age. She fought that cruel disease to the end and I was lucky to have her in my life

Because in real life most people don't care what others do as long as they are not harming others. But on MN people are saying - what do you think of this?
Very few people care enough about these things to say it to someone in real life.

I can’t think of any other ways in which we require mothers to be totally ‘optimal’.

Obviously it would be better if mums were all well off, highly educated, owned their own homes, physically and mentally fit and healthy, with great support networks.

But we don’t live in a perfect world and there are many, many mothers who aren’t all those things but do a wonderful job.

Why are older mothers different? Sounds like ageism to me.

Well imagine how much more difficult it would have been had you been 14/15 when your mother got her cancer diagnosis at 60? You can get I'll at any age but the risk increases the older you get.

How is pointing out pertinent facts related to your age, ageism when considering motherhood?

$Everyone who wants to be a parent should be assessing the pros and cons, benefits and risks not only for themselves but for the child too. We can never eliminate all downsides and risks, but the benefits should outweigh the risks for both the parents and the child. For most people that's the case. However, there comes a point where that's no longer the case; where the risks outweigh the benefit (particularly for the child). In those situations, I believe the responsible parenting decision is to choose not to be one.

^^this is a far more intelligent analysis than the blanket age-related stuff further up the thread that is based on memories of dodgy haircuts and parents looking a bit old and 'embarrassing' as a child.

ill sorry auto correct

@LaurieMarlow Only if nature is ageist?

Well imagine how much more difficult it would have been had you been 14/15 when your mother got her cancer diagnosis at 60?

It would be utterly shit regardless. Some people will cope better than others whether they are 14, 17 or 20. Utterly horrific

Good grief it’s not “ageist” to point out that becoming a mother at 45 is not ideal and brings more risks than becoming one at 25 or even 35. Its reality however unpalatable. Is it “ageist” to suggest an 85 year old might not be safe to drive?

@Jameelia that last comment was mine and I'll be honest I forgot I said that and I shouldn't have. I got utterly pissed off with the comments on here and fought fire with fire. Not my best moment, but surely you can see how both are sweeping generalisations and incorrect

Good grief it’s not “ageist” to point out that becoming a mother at 45 is not ideal and brings more risks than becoming one at 25 or even 35

No ones saying that.

What does feel ageist is to focus excessively on the non optimal age of mothers while glossing over other factors that can be non optimal like income, education, support networks, health, etc.

But age was the question of the op though Laurie

Yes if this thread was - what things do you think women should think about before choosing to become mothers - you might have a point. But the OP only asks about age. So everyone posting talks about age.

But age was the question of the op though Laurie

Some of the other points have been debated in this thread.

Are you telling me that you think poorer, less educated, less healthy, less well supported women should be discouraged from having children?

tea of course that diagnosis is shit at any age but it would absolutely be more difficult as a younger person. We are talking exceptions again if we are to say that a 14 or 15 year old has the same level of emotional intelligence that would help you deal with something like that as someone in their mid 30s for example. And what about the fact that if you lose a parent at that age they would miss so many of life's milestones? My siblings were all married with children when my dad was diagnosed whereas I was still at school. Of course they found it difficult, I'm not suggesting otherwise but I know they took comfort in the fact my dad had seen them get married and had met their GC. It was certainly very much on my mind when TTC that I was desperate for them to at least get to meet their GC, even if not for very long

The question was would “you” personally have dc at 45. Most of us say no as too old. Other factors are irrelevant and not on topic.

But the OP only asks about age. So everyone posting talks about age.

But it makes no sense to discuss age in total isolation.

How do you compare an older woman who is optimally set up for motherhood in every other way, with a younger woman who has considerable challenges in every other way?

It’s a pointless conversation without a fuller picture.

I am in the minority saying YANBU. There are 45 year olds in a good position to have a baby and 30 year olds who are not in a good position and who am I to judge. If you want and you can love and take care of a child then good luck TTC.

Irrelevant. 45 is 45 whether you are Kate Middleton or Waynetta Slob. Don’t think egg quality affected by weight or social class or chocolate consumption

But for a lot of people Laurie, age would be the only factor. Lots of people on this thread have talked about a cut off point and that’s age related. I for example would have a cut off point re age regardless of my other circumstances

In fact Laurie, I would go so far as to say we ALL have a cut off point in relation to our age, regardless of other circumstances. It’s just that the particular cut off point varies. So age is important.

laurie the OP was not asking to be compared with someone younger, she was asking for people's personal opinions based on her age. It wasn't a blanket question regarding having a child, it was specifically targeted at the 45 yr old age group and people keep referring back to younger, less fortunate, overweight etc etc mothers as if to say well surely it's not ideal for them so should they not be allowed to have children which is missing the point of the debate. A lot of the children who have given their opinions here whose mothers were older were in very stable financial positions, great health, plenty of support etc so what you would consider 'ideal' but we have all pointed out there are downsides to being the child of an older parent, based on our experiences

Don’t think egg quality affected by weight or social class or chocolate consumption

Egg quality varies widely at any age and overall health is absolutely a factor.

Obviously it’s fine to speak for yourself and your own decisions.

What I’m objecting to are posters branding a woman of 45 as ‘selfish’ for having a child, without understanding the greater contextual picture.

I don’t believe they would brand a younger woman as ‘selfish’ who was less optimal in all other ways (poorer, less educated, less healthy, etc). Even though all these factors can result in less good outcomes for the child.

Not a chance