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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Would you have a baby at 45?

999 replies

84wood · 18/01/2020 17:39

Hello

I am considering having another baby. We’ve already got a lovely DC who’s 5 and we’ve really enjoyed being parents. I had a trouble free pregnancy and had my child privately so I’m lucky to know all the best doctors and units. I’m also in very good health. It would be a bit of a financial struggle as DC is in a private school but not impossible. How would you feel? Would you try?
Thanks so much for reading and for any advice.

OP posts:
Sakura7 · 22/01/2020 23:10

Because its just based on a few people's experiences. It's anecdotal.

The aging process and increasing health issues over time are not anecdotal though, they're factual.

This thread is following a similar pattern to every other thread that's been done on the subject. The people who became older parents mostly say it's wonderful and there are no issues at all, and the people who were the children of older parents mostly say they found aspects of it very hard and that people should seriously consider the risks.

Oliversmumsarmy · 23/01/2020 00:30

My mother and father were 25 and 32 when they had me.

They were far too old.
A young age doesn’t guarantee a fun childhood

Teateaandmoretea · 23/01/2020 06:21

This has been asked and answered several times. I think it's a nonsensical argument, if you weren't born you wouldn't know about it and wouldn't have any capability to wish otherwise. I think it's an argument that is used to minimise and dismiss the real issues being raised.

It isn't non-sensical at all. I'm glad I've had a chance at life despite its many challenges. So I am glad I was born. It is convenient to claim it non-sensical In this situation.

Everyone has struggles in life, some people have really really shit childhoods with younger parents. Many with older parents have said their experience was fine.

What is non-sensical is deciding that there is an arbitrary cut off age for motherhood.

Teateaandmoretea · 23/01/2020 06:23

The aging process and increasing health issues over time are not anecdotal though, they're factual.

At individual level they are anecdotal. What one person can do at 60 another won't be able to at 50.

MimiLaRue · 23/01/2020 06:29

I think it's a nonsensical argument, if you weren't born you wouldn't know about it and wouldn't have any capability to wish otherwise

By this rationale, you could justify all kinds of horrible upbringings by "well at least you are alive!". Its a straw an argument that dismisses and minimises people's genuine concerns and experiences.

MimiLaRue · 23/01/2020 06:29

*straw man

Gwilt160981 · 23/01/2020 06:31

No.

wheresmyrunningshoes · 23/01/2020 06:36

I think all kids to an extent find their parents out of date. I also think the issue of the sandwich generation is not confined to children of older parents.

Mine were in their early 30s and both of them have made it clear that in no way do they ever want to be a burden. I would help however I can but I would not feel guilty if I couldn't. It helps that they are financially okay, not rich but okay.

So in that respect an older parent can mitigate some of what is being talked about.

I do think you need to be better off financially than a younger parent to do it, that helps.

SuperMeerkat · 23/01/2020 06:36

Nope, too old. I had my only DS at 19 so will be only 37 when (next year) he’s 18 🤦‍♀️🥳 Admittedly my feelings may be coloured but I still could never imagine going back to the baby stage. My younger sister is going through it now and it looks like hell.

AmeliaE · 23/01/2020 06:42

No way. My mum had me at 41 (not planned). For all the reasons listed already on the thread I wouldn't do that to my kids.

MsTSwift · 23/01/2020 06:50

Amazed people are able to physically my periods all over the shop now I’m 45

Findumdum1 · 23/01/2020 07:21

Being an older parent does come with issues, the maternal age of the eggs and increased risks, the births are more complicated, it is termed a geriatric pregnancy for a reason.

You realise it's called a geriatric pregnancy over 35 right? (and it hasnt been termed that for many years, its now "advanced maternal age". So everyone smugly saying they had their babies at 38, 39 - you are also geriatric mothers.

I think having children in your 30s is clearly optimal these days (as I did). But there are so many ridiculous generalisations on this thread about people who do it younger or older than that.

sofato5miles · 23/01/2020 07:23

I had my first at 32 and last at 39. I wouldn't have another one because my family is complete.

However, my grandmother had her last at 44 as did my aunt. My aunt is happy to be here and is glad that she has her daughter.

I think those who had babies in their late teens and early 20s are so far removed that they cannot empathise but if you are still at the stage of building your family, i would give it one last shot.

At 46, i am not out of touch to my teenager. She recently suggested i get together with Eminem Grin. A lot of ageing is down to outlook

AllideasAndNoAction · 23/01/2020 07:35

This thread is following a similar pattern to every other thread that's been done on the subject. The people who became older parents mostly say it's wonderful and there are no issues at all, and the people who were the children of older parents mostly say they found aspects of it very hard and that people should seriously consider the risks.

Yes and it's exactly the same with parents of very large broods of five or six plus insisting that it's all fun and games 'round their house, like the Brady Bunch when in reality it's often more like something out of Angela's Ashes - no money for shoes or food, no one-to-one attention, often no father/s in sight and a mother who's so frazzled she can't see straight.

People want what people want and they'll find a way have it. They do this by telling themselves and anyone else who'll listen some fairytale about how manageable it all is and how happy and loved and showered with attention their children are, in spite of what might seem like challenging or unusual circumstances. Because they are Superwoman dontcha know? The experiences of mere mortals like the rest of us don't apply to them. If we've found it hard enough with three that's because we are not cut from the same cloth and the failing is clearly on us.

No-one suffers in their house because there is plenty of love to go around, even if there aren't quite enough bedrooms or seats in the car or enough time to take anyone to football practice, or read them a bedtime story or remember their World Book Day costume.

So what if there is no space/time/energy for playdates? 'Who needs playdates with friends when every day is a playdate with six/eight/ten siblings in the house?'

Ask those children in 30 years time how much fun it was and if they might tell you something rather different.

AllideasAndNoAction · 23/01/2020 07:39

And in case anyone thinks I'm picking on low income mums, I feel the same about wealthy people with ridiculous numbers of children. Especially when BOTH parents are career people with all consuming work schedules that means they can employ full time nannies to do all the tough stuff for them and just waft in at 8pm off the plane from Davos or wherever, looking like the couple who manage to have it all and juggle all the balls.

From the outside it looks like nothing more than the world's most privileged orphanage.

Teateaandmoretea · 23/01/2020 08:17

By this rationale, you could justify all kinds of horrible upbringings by "well at least you are alive!". Its a straw an argument that dismisses and minimises people's genuine concerns and experiences.

Ah no, I'm sure there are situations that I would feel entirely different about re abusive childhood etc. Having parents a couple of years older than the other older parents is hardly a life trauma, even if you would have preferred them to be younger.

Teateaandmoretea · 23/01/2020 08:20

Amazed people are able to physically my periods all over the shop now I’m 45

Well tbh that is likely to be the deciding thing for the OP and most people who try for a baby at 45. It's the main reason it's considered so horrendously 'old' because quite simply it is unusual to be able to.

Jameelia · 23/01/2020 08:22

Yes @Findumdum1

I realise it is a geriatric pregnancy from 35 (my personal cut off for this reason), that is why deciding to do it at 45 is even worse because it's 10 years after that point.

But yes I'm sure the pilates and extra money will stave off any health complications and exempt people from the entire aging process so that they are sprightly 70 year olds and much fitter than everyone in their 20s, given everyone under 40 is overweight, thick and too poor to have children.

frillseeking · 23/01/2020 08:46

I am one of 4, my mum had me at 39 and gap between me and my youngest sibling is 13 years. There were advantages such as parents were in a much better financial position than when they had 3 under 3 in their early 20s so lots of lovely holidays but I always longed for the holidays the whole family talk about when they went away with cousins, aunts and uncles and grandparents. I have brought this up once before and got shot down by sister and cousin saying oh what a hard life it must've been going to xyz but in reality it was lonely being away with just my parents and I longed for company. Grandparents had all sadly died or passed away by the time I was 5 or 6 and I don't have any cousins close in age, in fact I am closest to my nieces as I was only 6 when my eldest brother had children so they have become like my little sisters I never had. My mum also used to get annoyed with siblings telling me off and said I didn't need another 3 parents. As we've got older we've developed more of a typical sibling relationship but it's difficult when there is such a big gap. I can't join in when they talk about their childhood or even cultural references such as cartoons etc. DH is in a similar position and is an only child so I worry everything will all be on him when his parents health starts to deteoriate but I guess that would be the same at any age. Health wise, my dad developed cancer when I was at school which was tough to handle at that age but it would be difficult at any age. Unfortunately it took me and DH several years to have children so I feel a little sadly like history is repeating itself for our children as our parents will likely not be around and I do feel envious of friends parents who are able to help out more with their children but I wouldn't not have children because of it, it's my responsibility so it is what it is but just being honest that's how I feel. That said, I am super close to my parents and see them every day, maybe because I am aware that they are getting older and I want to appreciate them

AllideasAndNoAction · 23/01/2020 09:05

But yes I'm sure the pilates and extra money will stave off any health complications and exempt people from the entire aging process so that they are sprightly 70 year olds and much fitter than everyone in their 20s, given everyone under 40 is overweight, thick and too poor to have children.

This is Mumsnet where there noone is ever too thick or too poor to have children.

Sakura7 · 23/01/2020 09:11

Having parents a couple of years older than the other older parents is hardly a life trauma

If a parent dies or their health significantly deteriorates during your childhood or very young adulthood, of course it's traumatic. To suggest otherwise is bizarre. To be hyper aware of your parents mortality and to always have a fear that they're going to die is also traumatic for a child. The risks increase with age, that's a fact. What's anecdotal are comments like "my mum lived to 95 and was fit as a fiddle right til the end." That's not the norm and a huge volume of medical evidence proves that.

frillseeking · 23/01/2020 09:21

That's exactly it Sakura. You're so much more aware and that's a lot of responsibility on a child. I can remember even when I was really young saying to my mum I wanted to die when she did and I used to ask who would look after me, it always worried me. And yes of course people can die at any age and young people are left without their parents all the time which is incredibly sad but it's not the norm whereas people dying in their 70s is!

Tollergirl · 23/01/2020 09:39

Having RTFT I am really saddened to realise so much judgement from people regarding the importance of parents being "spritely", "fit as a fiddle", "able to run a marathon" etc etc. I suppose parents like me who have have had chronic illness and resulting disabilities since the age of 13 should never be allowed to procreate! I had my girls in my 30s but have never been able to run, ski or cycle or even sometimes walk with them so I guess I have failed them at every turn. It has been bloody hard work (probably more than most fit and able people can imagine) and I have had many times feeling guilty that I couldn't be a more active mum. Yes they have been embarrassed when I have had to use my mobility scooter to accompany them on days out with their friends (at that awkward 8-10yr old age) but they've got over it and a sense of humour on all sides helps (I was affectionately known as Dr Nefario). Now in their early teens they are caring and empathetic girls who have an appreciation of people's individual challenges and difficulties. Do I regret having them - not for a moment. Do I feel they have suffered? Perhaps on occasion. Do I feel they will become fantastic adults who want to make a difference in the world? Yes I bloody do!

SHAR0N · 23/01/2020 09:53

Lovely post @Tollergirl.

As they say on netmums , don’t let the haterz get you down.

I bet your kids have a tonne more understanding and empathy than others who have been taught that you are only a worthwhile person and a good parent if you are beautiful, slim and able bodied. The shallowness of some people on this thread is astounding.

Sakura7 · 23/01/2020 10:07

There's nothing shallow about people pointing out the potential issues with having older parents, i.e. the parents' mortality. The situation Tollergirl speaks of is not what this thread is about. Nobody is saying a person with disabilities shouldn't become a parent. If they can provide a safe loving home and can reasonably expect to be around long enough to see their children get established in their own lives, that's great.