Would you have a baby at 45?

[84wood]

Hello

I am considering having another baby. We’ve already got a lovely DC who’s 5 and we’ve really enjoyed being parents. I had a trouble free pregnancy and had my child privately so I’m lucky to know all the best doctors and units. I’m also in very good health. It would be a bit of a financial struggle as DC is in a private school but not impossible. How would you feel? Would you try?
Thanks so much for reading and for any advice.

I'm nearly that age. If I became pregnant by accident (very unlikely) I would probably be very happy but I wouldn't try deliberately. I already have a DC who is primary school age. She is the little light of my life but I wouldn't fancy all the health worries, lack of sleep, breastfeeding, teething, weaning and endless cleaning all over again. Plus another child would seriously affect my career and the quality of life I am able to give my DD.

@SHAR0N Precisely. I didn't choose to be infertile, it was just how it was. Adoption wasn't my first choice, which makes me uncomfortable when people tell what wonderful people we are to give our DDs a home. We didn't do it for altruistic reasons but because we wanted DC and I was infertile. Although it was a choice on my DH's part, as he wasn't.

As an aside, I actually find it rather insulting to my DDs to say that, as it implies that we didn't genuinely want to adopt them but that we're do-gooders who want to be praised for taking these poor deprived children and giving them a home.

It's a myth that we get to plan out our lives so neatly as some posters like to imply.

suggest most 40-50 year olds are in the same shape and as fit as 20 year olds

No one is saying that. But is not the relevant issue. Being the same shape as a 20 year olds isn’t essential to being a good parent.

That’s why the Op can be a good parent at 45. And @Tollergirl can be a good parent in a wheelchair. And all the overweight and obese 30 year old women on this thread can also be good parents.

The Op isn’t thinking about having twins by IVF at 66. She’s thinking about TTC her second child by the traditional way.

If she is as unfit, clapped out and on the verge of dementia as so many of you claim, she’s unlikely to conceive and give birth. Which no doubt will be a great relief to many of you.

Sharon

I have repeatedly said being fit is not the point. Most older mums have come on here saying they are in better shape than the overweight, phone obsessed 30 year olds who are mums- so that is what I am addressing when I say that.

You conveniently leave out the part when I said all the exercise in the world is not going to change the age of your eggs and that is why maternal age is important because they increase the risk of your child having genetic conditions related to age e.g. Downs hence why women have egg donors. It is disingenuous to suggest you are in the same health as a 20 year old when you are 50, we all age. You have an increased risk of developing dementia at 50 than you do at 20.

But it isn't about running marathons at 60 its about the increased risk of leaving young children orphaned, developing dementia and saddling care with young adults or teens and other health related conditions that are age related as well as the risk of having a child with complications due to either maternal or paternal age.

@Jameelia - I don't disagree with you on all that. I just felt that some pps were equating being a good parent with their ability to be fit and able. I think your points are all very valid and probably why the OP is asking in the first place - classic heart vs head decision.

Most don’t CHOOSE either of these, it happens.

Many people develop health problems through obesity, smoking, lack of exercise etc . Are they choosing disability and illness ?

Many people end up having kids in their 40s because they are widowed, divorced, have fertility issues , financial problems etc. Was that their free choice ?

I get that life circumstances get in the way of what's 'ideal'. But I don't believe everyone has an inherent right to be a parent.

Everyone who wants to be a parent should be assessing the pros and cons, benefits and risks not only for themselves but for the child too. We can never eliminate all downsides and risks, but the benefits should outweigh the risks for both the parents and the child. For most people that's the case. However, there comes a point where that's no longer the case; where the risks outweigh the benefit (particularly for the child). In those situations, I believe the responsible parenting decision is to choose not to be one.

I do think a certain amount of fitness is needed. When DP has an exacerbation he can't manage days out, it is too tiring. I am well and can take the DCs out. But if he was a lone parent, the DCs would miss out. You might decide as a parent to have kids knowing they will miss out. As I said it is about your approach to what you think matters.

@Sakura7 I agree as well. I don't believe in stopping anyone becoming a parent through sterilisation or abortion though.

There’s a balance about getting all righteous about people “judging” parents and the actions of a reasonable adult considering whether to have a child in light of all their circumstances- be that finances accommodation support health and yes age. It is right to pause to consider what you are able to offer the child. It’s not all about the parents wants.

@Sakura7 and other posters have continuously highlighted how it was growing up with older parents and has been shouted down as well, that her experience is not valid or "would she rather not have been born"..

I think these are considerations people have to take into account for the child's best interests. As said before sometimes the responsible parenting decision is to choose not to have a child if the risks outweigh the benefits.

I think a lot is down to genetics

I am NC with my family

However I do know everyone is still alive.
My grandmother is 104 the only deaths since I have been alive is my grandparents on my fathers side and my grandfather on my mothers side.

I think the longevity (especially for the women in my family)makes you have a different outlook

When your family are still working, doing physical jobs and in good health in their 60s then saying that at 60 you start to fall apart and by 70 you are completely knackered means I cannot relate.

Dps mother is still alive she is 94
His father died when he was 88

His grandfather died at age 98. His second wife was in her 50s with teenagers
He was working up to the age of 90 in a physical profession.

We don’t tend to have long illnesses. Usually our heart just gives out one day so we don’t have this decline that everyone speaks about

Everyone is different and I think looking at your own family gives an indication if you look after yourself of what your health will be.

Yes genetics matter, as does wealth. There is 11 years difference between average health in older people between the poorest and richest.
I am not rich.

Not all illnesses are down to genetics. There's no history of brain tumours in my family and yet my mother got one. It can strike anyone, although the one risk factor is age. They are more common in people over 60.

Thanks Jameelia, I'm glad some people get it :)

@Sakura7

I know people counter with I asked my DCs and they dont have a problem with it, they truly may not but I doubt I would tell my mum something that would hurt her feelings especially when it is something she can't help or change. I think that's why it is valuable to listen to people like you as you can speak plainly about your experience without trying not to hurt mum's feelings.

I thought the purpose of the OP asking the question was to get people's personal opinions based on their experience/ situation and that's why there is a variety of opinions and outlooks here. There will always be extremes and there will always be factors beyond people's control such as health, wealth etc but we are talking about the OP who already has a child and is in good health but isn't sure because of her age and people have given their own views on this or experienced as a child with an older parent, as I have done. From experience, it's something the parent or person in similar position doesn't want to hear because it obviously makes them feel bad, which is sad. It's not saying I wish I wasn't born, it's just being honest about the downsides of having an older parent/s. Some people luckily buck the trend and live till they're in their 100s but this isn't the norm. That's also not to say that if you are not in 100% optimum health you shouldn't have a child, again health issues can happen at any time and being 'healthy' is far from being the only
Pre requisite to being a good parent. As tollergirl said, I'm sure it's the age old debate between head and heart

jameela this is so true. The one time I've ever had a conversation even close to discussing this with my mum she got very very upset and we've never discussed since

Same here, I've never told my parents I was worried about them getting ill, dying, not seeing me get married, etc, because I didn't want to upset them. As is the case for most of us in this situation, those fears did become reality.

I've said this kind of before.

My parents were older. I think there is some differences now as the world has changed a lot. But...they didn't really get how society had changed and that was particularly hard as a teenager. My mum had a particularly hard time and looking back I suspect she was going through the menopause as well.

My ddad was ill a lot throughout my teenage years, from the age of 10 onwards I had to deal with him almost dying on many occasions. Having to call the ambulance...wait with him until they arrived. Then heart failure....
He died when I was 26. He didnt see me get married. He never met my children.

Healthcare is much better and people are right in that anything can happen to anyone at any time and being an older parent increases that risk.

I wouldn't, not on purpose. I am 41 and my youngest child is nearly 4. It's easy for me to say though as I have 3 children and feel my family is complete. Might be different if I only had one.

I do think pregnancy is harder on your body as you get older and if I did get pregnant again, even now, I'd be worried about the increased likelihood of complications for me and for the baby.
My opinion on this might be a bit skewed though as I had pre-eclampsia last time and was quite unwell.

@45andfine.. well quite!

@SoyYo... Unlike younger parents you will be able to parent in a kinder, wiser way which only years of life experience can provide. That’s a wonderful gift to give any child.

What a great outlook on older parents. I love this.

Sorry but I think there are kind and brilliant younger parents, and unkind and terrible older parents. We do all get better at parenting as we actually do it, but I think it has more to do with our own parenting experiences, willingness to reflect and experience, than anything to do with age we first become parents.
I know that is not a popular view in some camps. But if it was true, our parents would all be ultra kind and wise when taking care of GC.

And why does everyone counter the factual points made about age with "Oh well younger parents are shit and older parents are wiser/kinder/richer". The ad hominem attacks are uncalled for. Noone has said older parents are not good parents but you insist on painting people who had their children at younger age overweight, self-obsessed, irresponsible and poor. Seriously????

Because insults are easier to throw around than facts.

Just a snippet

*"We are fit and active - I ride, swim and walk with DS1 and 2 and DH climbs and kayaks with them.Routinely I see the 20 and 30 year old parents sitting on the sidelines, overweight, disinterested and fixated on their phones.

There are so many overweight, unhealthy younger parents who are also struggling financially to add to the difficulties of raising a family.

I'm the healthiest I've ever been in my life at 40.I exercise, walk loads, eat well, run, etc..A colleague of mine is 31 and super morbidly obese.

I pity the children with young parents who can't afford them, who shout at them, who don't give them quality time, who give them Crisps and chocolate in the supermarket to shut them up, who feed them junk, who sit tjem in front of the TV all day."*