Would you have a baby at 45?

[84wood]

Hello

I am considering having another baby. We’ve already got a lovely DC who’s 5 and we’ve really enjoyed being parents. I had a trouble free pregnancy and had my child privately so I’m lucky to know all the best doctors and units. I’m also in very good health. It would be a bit of a financial struggle as DC is in a private school but not impossible. How would you feel? Would you try?
Thanks so much for reading and for any advice.

Thanks Sharon @. I appreciate that @Sakura7 but was just feeling a little aggrieved that there seemed to be so much emphasis on how physically fit and active older people are. In reality my 79 year old mother is more active than me due to my disability and whilst I get that it wasn't really the point of the thread it would be nice if people could appreciate that there are a multitude of parenting experiences and not just base their reasoning on whether someone is running marathons at the age of 60 or unable to climb the stairs at 60 and therefore is ok or "clapped out" to quote a pp.

It’s the generalisations @Sakura7.

Health, fitness, life expectancy, income , education, mental and emotional resilience, disability, education level, housing, relationship status - these are all individual factors that should affect the decision to have a child.

There’s no perfect , right or ideal time or life circumstances. And things change.

It’s the sweeping statements that condemn everyone in a group that are so unpleasant. . “ all disabled parents are crap “ , “ I feel sorry for the child whose parents are over 30” and “ having a child at 21 is just selfish” .

Can’t you hear yourselves ?

Yes people are entitled to an opinion but they also have to accept that others will judge them.

@Tollergirl was referring to all the posts that imply that physical fitness is the most important criterion in being a parent. So therefore she must be rubbish because she’s a wheelchair user.

Are you saying now that it’s ok to be a mother with a disability when you are young but not a disability because of age ?

What about parents with a life limiting disability - are they allowed to have kids ? Or are they just selfish too?

But at it isn't about running marathons at 60 its about the increased risk of leaving young children orphaned, developing dementia and saddling care with young adults or teens and other health related conditions that are age related as well as the risk of having a child with complications due to either maternal or paternal age. I dont think being disabled is analogous to choosing to be an older parent.

Sorry @Tollergirl , x posted.

I didn’t refresh the page and see that you have answered for yourself - apologies .

I think the disability point is different. There’s arguably an element of choice about being an older parent.

That’s the sound of people backing up.

“ No of course not. I didn’t mean you good young disabled people, I meant these bad old disabled people “.

I think the disability point is different. There’s arguably an element of choice about being an older parent

Because older disabled People choose to be disabled while young people don’t ?

Or because old disabled people choose parenthood whereas young disabled people are legally compelled to have children ?

Personally no. I had my second at 40, and I’m exhausted. I’d ideally had them both by 35 but it wasn’t to be.

Point taken Sharon, but if you are having children with a life limiting disability you will likely have a partner who will be there for your children should the worst happen. If you are an older man having a child, these man in their 70s usually have them with young women in their 20s and 30s. Not ideal but should the worst happen these children are left with a single parent which is absolutely fine.

When the mother is older though, her partner is usually her age or older and the child is saddled with the double the burden of older parents, genetic issues, and age related health problems of their parents.

Why are we acting like people don't age?

I think if I had a disability I would want to have children younger as it’s surely even riskier for ones own health let alone longevity to bring the child up to have children when disabled and over 45. I don’t think that’s an outrageous view?

We all have a different attitude to risk, and many of us parent in circumstances that we would not have chosen. So my DP has a genetic illness that was not diagnosed until after our DCs were born. I would not have had kids if I had known about it as I would not have risked the more severe symptoms that can occur along with a lot of pain. But some parents still choose to have kids and have kids who are in a lot of pain and have annual operations - if they have it severely.

In real life most people only judge at the outer edge of what is normal. So sure if you have 16 kids and claim they all get lots of individual attention, then I won't believe you. Or if your DP is 75 and you have a baby and claim your DC won't be affected by having such an old father, I won't believe you.

At the borders where parents are older, disabled, or something else is outside the norm, then most people don't care.
But it has surprised me when talking to others how little some people think before they have children. These have been intelligent people, but they have not thought beyond having a cute little baby. When making any decision it makes sense to listen and consider the pros and cons. And especially to listen to adult children, rather than parents of children who are rarely honest with themselves about the cons, but happy to talk up the pros.

@MsTSwift - you may have a point but those of us with a disability are just as open to the other variables in life that influence when and whether we have children. I think there are many things we may do differently but at the time we just go with what we think is right for us in that moment. As ever, hindsight is a wonderful thing!

MsTSwift Plenty of disabilities are not life limiting. But certainly you are more likely to get complications or just struggle more with energy as you get older.

I'm not sure what your point is Sharon. If people think it's a bad idea to become a parent at an older age generally, they're not going to feel differently about an older disabled person becoming a parent.

But it isn't about running marathons at 60 its about the increased risk of leaving young children orphaned, developing dementia and saddling care with young adults or teens and other health related conditions that are age related as well as the risk of having a child with complications due to either maternal or paternal age. I dont think being disabled is analogous to choosing to be an older parent.

This ^

@Tollergirl I get where you're coming from and it must be frustrating to see. I think a lot of the posts mentioning fitness and activity levels seem to be about justifying people's decisions and deflecting from the real issues around mortality.

And yes mumsnet always denies the impact of ageing. I remember that woman who had twins at 66. There were lots of MNers defending her saying she seemed very fit and healthy, she went running regularly, and lots of anecdotes about fit and healthy 90 year old relatives. and how 66 was still young.

A few years later the woman was back in the news saying she had been too old. She had suddenly been affected by age related ill health and was now struggling to manage caring for her kids.

You might be one of those lucky people on TV still doing your own shopping and housework at 100. But chances are you won't. Age does have an impact and it is wise to be realistic about it when planning for the future.

A problem I have is about this idea of about CHOOSING to be disabled or be an older parent.

Most don’t CHOOSE either of these, it happens.

Many people develop health problems through obesity, smoking, lack of exercise etc . Are they choosing disability and illness ?

Many people end up having kids in their 40s because they are widowed, divorced, have fertility issues , financial problems etc. Was that their free choice ?

Some of you talk as if couples ( including the OP ) sit through their 30s saying to themselves “ Gosh we have plenty money , great health, wonderful careers and we want kids. But I CBA to have sex right now, let’s wait until I’m 45 and TTC then . That sounds like fun “.

No people do not choose to be disabled, but they do choose to be parents. That is a choice.

@Sakura7 - thank you. I am really not trying to hijack the thread and make it about disability rather than age but many who are equating ageing with physical infirmity are, however subconsciously implying that a good parent is a physically active one. I would give anything to be physically fit and active believe me, but that's not going to happen so I make the best of things. I'm not trying to be disingenuous but I think due to our own experiences we all have our own ideal ages and cut off points for having children. My experiences have taught me that that luck has a huge amount of influence where health is concerned and people have all sorts of things to offer at all sorts of ages. I am not trying to minimise the negative effects of ageing- can't remember who said it but "growing old is not for cissies" springs to mind, but for people perhaps to consider how some comments may be interpreted.

You either think everyone has a right to have a child (I don't). Or you think everyone should consider whether they will make good parents before they choose to have children.

@karencantobe
It's life. We age. Your eggs are as old as you are and age as well, hence the popularity in egg donation for women over 40, if age wasnt a factor why the need for a 20 something's eggs to conceive and all the pilates in the world is not going to make your eggs younger.

We start to lose muscle tone, bone density etc.,. Diet and exercise may help keep us healthier but we still age. There will always be outliers, (my great grandmother died at 99 and was fit as a fiddle, my grandmother at 84 with many age related health conditions) but it is disingenuous to suggest most 40-50 year olds are in the same shape and as fit as 20 year olds. Simply not true.

Reminds me of thread with the elderly driver who clearly wasnt fit to drive being defended and people saying it was unfair to test drivers over a certain age and how young 60, 70 was. No its not young. There is nothing wrong with being older FFS, but they are considerations people should and have to make to accommodate it

I totally agree Jameelia.

Some do choose to delay though. A work colleague married young but they wanted to “enjoy life” work abroad etc and choose to wait to have their first child when they were very late thirties. They were devastated by secondary infertility.

Karen I think Childless people have no idea how exhausting parenthood can be and also how exhausting getting older can be. I’m in my early 50s and I’m definitely loads more tired, achey and irritable than I was in my 40s. Obviously I couldn’t anticipate how I would feel now when I was in my 40s and it’s luck of the draw to an extent. But if I combined how I feel now, as a menopausal insomniac with a bad back and combined it with how I felt when I was running around after three small kids who were all
under 10, I think I’d be on my fecking knees to be honest.

@ Tollergirl

Physical fitness is a very small part of it, I will repeat what I said upthread.

But it isn't about running marathons at 60 its about the increased risk of leaving young children orphaned, developing dementia and saddling care with young adults or teens and other health related conditions that are AGE- related as well as the risk of having a child with complications due to either maternal or paternal age. I dont think being disabled is analogous to choosing to be an older parent.

@allideasandnoaction Yes both are tough. I think it is fear of mortality that means so many deny that we get old and it has an impact.