Would you have a baby at 45?

[84wood]

Hello

I am considering having another baby. We’ve already got a lovely DC who’s 5 and we’ve really enjoyed being parents. I had a trouble free pregnancy and had my child privately so I’m lucky to know all the best doctors and units. I’m also in very good health. It would be a bit of a financial struggle as DC is in a private school but not impossible. How would you feel? Would you try?
Thanks so much for reading and for any advice.

Why'd you even ask? Food for thought? You don't have time to be considering so it sounds like you're going for it anyhow.

A baby at 45 comes with plenty of health risks for both mother and child.

That isn’t even the main issue to me though. The main problem is having a teenager in your late 50s and 60s, the embarrassment for them of their friends thinking their parents are their grandparents. It’s your child having to look after their elderly parents at a time when their own children are likely to be young. A friend of mine has been doing this, an it’s nearly worn her into the ground. I would t want to put that in my kids. It’s just not fair. Just because you feel ok at 45 to have a baby, you need to look to the future.

My much younger sister is a late baby (my mum wasn’t quite as old as you) and she doesn’t like the fact her parents are so old. She’s never felt they we’re in touch with her, and while she loves them, she does find it embarrassing they are so old compared to her friends parents. Though that may not be such an issue these days as people seem to be much old on average having kids.

You have one healthy child I would be counting my blessings.

I'm the same age with a child also the same age.
I'd have loved another. But Dan honestly say that is never TTC at 45 as the risk of genetic issues is so much higher, the risk of maternal complications is increased as is risk of stillbirth etc. And I feel that my priority just be my living child over the fantasy of a second that may never materialise. With those risks that could mean that this would become an unfair burden for your 1st child to have to carry.

With my lo I embraced motherhood wholeheartedly. Never have an issue with the lack of sleep that has continued etc. But I know physically now this would take a far greater toll on my health and that means also on the 1st child.

I also think that given child 1 is now 5, the age gap Is increasing and getting to the point where it would be significant and that means a different sort of sibling relationship.

I also acknowledge that with older parents comes an increased risk of the child losing their parents earlier. One sad example is a mum who had her 2nd at 46, she has cancer and the father died of cancer 18 months ago. So 2 primary school Aged children have lost 1 parent and may lose the other too.....

However, if I fell pregnant by chance, is obviously embrace the blessing....

No, I wouldn’t. We had our last baby when I was 40 & I think 45 would be too old for many reasons. Firstly, wouldn’t want to embarrass a child at the school gate with a mother looking like a grandmother turning up. Secondly, you will be going through the menopause & all the ghastly symptoms when the child is around 5/6 years. It’s possible you may not have all the symptoms but unlikely to get away with no problems. Thirdly, it’s possible that you will be looking out to elderly parents, lastly it will be exhausting & dealing with pre teens & teenagers when you’re older & not on their wave length will be tricky. Get a dog or cat.

Yes - I had DS2 at 42 and he’s a delight. I’ll be 60 when he goes to uni but as I’ll be working til 68 anyway that doesn’t worry me.

I think the issue pp have raised about miscarriage is significant though. It’s much more likely in your 40s and you’d need to be prepared to deal with that. The risk of chromosomal abnormalities is obviously significantly higher too so you need to consider that.

In the old days pre reliable contraception women often continued having babies into their forties.

No 36 is my cut off.

Yes, I would, and may do.

I have a few friends who had DC between 42-46 and I don’t think age has been a problem. I had my last at 39 and wouldn’t have another now I’m in my 40s because my family feels complete but if it didn’t I wouldn’t let age be my barrier.

Of my DDs primary school friendship group I’m the youngest mother!

Yes I would.

No

Personally I wouldn't as I had mine at 20 and 25. But if you feel fine then it's your choice. 45 is no age at all really.

If I was in a position to at that age I wouldn't rule it out. There are benefits to your child of having a sibling and only you know if you feel up to it. My main concern would be the risks.

I Would be worried about bringing a disabled child into the family, I stopped trying for my second at 43 after multiple miscarriages, the results on the last baby showed up a chromosome disorder, (trisomy 15). I couldn’t bring myself to carry on trying.

I know one person who had a baby at 45, (conceived at 44) massive health problems for both mum and child, although I also know one who had a healthy child at 48.

The main problem is having a teenager in your late 50s and 60s, the embarrassment for them of their friends thinking their parents are their grandparents

I’m in my late 50s and have three teenagers. None of their friends think Im their grandmother, because I’m only about 5 years older than their mums.

And of course because I’m fit, slim and gorgeous .

The agism in your post is appalling @Catapillarsuletheworld. Imagine if I said “ You cant have a baby with a red haired / black / disabled / Jewish man ! Imagine the embarrassment of having a red haired / black / disabled / Jewish dad “.

You’d quite rightly hope that your children chose friends who weren’t nasty bigots.

No way. It’s too old. My lovely friends life is fucking ruined because she had to drop out of university and look after her elderly parents who both have Alzheimer’s because they had her in their late 40’s. She’s 26, has barely any friends left, no career prospects.... it’s utterly selfish. My dad and his wife are in their early 50’s and have just announced their having a baby. I want nothing to do with them.

No. I'm 41 and wouldn't consider another child at my age.

The slightly more likely outcome, rather than a baby, is a handful of miscarriages followed by giving up aged 47. So you’d need to have made your peace with that chance, and the impact it would have on your family.

Your chance of falling pregnant and delivering a healthy baby is likely to be around 20% or less

No. It is not so much the pregnancy, it is at 50 with a 5 year old.

No I'm 41 and feel very past it. That said I have two children, only ever wanted two and my you gest is ten so if the situation was different I might feel differently. But atm I'm hoping for the menopause soon!

Absolutely not, I'm pregnant with #2 at 25 and I genuinely don't know how anyone over 35 does it. I'm absolutely shattered!

Not a bloody change would I consider it!

My mum was 19 when she had me, tyat was more embarrassing than my nan picking me up, a childlike person as a mother

Nope. 37 when I had my daughter and I feel too old now to a have ten year old. I wish I had done it earlier.

Aww hell, no. At 45, I don't want to be regularly picking up small children and doing my back in. And I want a full night's sleep.

Up to you though. And remember to factor the cost of supporting DC through uni into your calculations- provision of student loans may well have changed beyond recognition in 13 years.