Dp stormed out after I questioned the bacon, don’t know what to do now

[DoreenSamuel]

Dp and I both work ft and both do our fair share of looking after children and household chores. Food preparation is not really part of my allocation but I do more cleaning.

Anyway DP tends to do a lot of cooking on the weekend with a view to putting some things in the freezer and some things in the fridge for meals over the next few days.

He is a great cook and meals are always delicious. However I seem to have some irrational fear of food poisoning and I frequently ask questions about the food he’s making which seem to annoy him.

Today I noticed he was cooking a load of bacon and I was surprised as he’d already said he was making fish and chips for tea. I asked why he was cooking bacon and he said he was making stuffed jacket potatoes with cheese and bacon for a meal over the next few days. I apparently frowned and also said I didn’t think bacon would be safe to eat after being cooked and put in the fridge for a few days.

He became angry and told me to google it. He said he feels completely taken for granted and ‘nothing is ever good enough’.

He’s stormed out basically telling me to fuck off and make my own meals. He knows I can’t cook so I feel really upset he’s reacted in this way. I do feel bad because he’s spent almost the whole day meal planning to ensure we can’t eat home cooked healthy meals but I really don’t think his reaction was ok.

Aibu? If so how can I make this better, he’s not answering his phone.

XH was great at cooking, I was good at homely stuff - roast dinner my specialty!
However he would come in and critique my cooking, or make suggestions.
It wasn't welcome after 10 years of the same behaviour- if he wanted to do it, and obvs do it better, I left him to it.
Likewise when we would cook together - he always had a suggestion how my part could be better - it got very very annoying so I refused to cook with/ for him as the constant criticism was awful.
Maybe OP's H feels similarly?

YABU on 2 things.

If you have an irrational fear then you really should prepare your own food. You shouldn’t be criticising your DP when you don’t cook yourself.

You are also being unreasonable that you ‘can’t cook’. It’s 2020, there are so many ways to learn to cook now, you don’t even need to buy a book. Get on Pinterest and YouTube and stop making excuses

Your poor DH. Have you heard from him now?

Your fear is reasonable - we all have fears.

However - unless you are a child (under 18) you should be finding ways to deal with your fear yourself (get help, read books, google) and not dumping your fear on someone else

You can't cook? Grow up. Teach yourself. Read recipes. Stop being so absolutely pathetically useless

I call reverse on this thread - or spam

Good god, if I’d spent my day off planning & cooking healthy meals for the week only for DH to react as you did I would feel the same way.

We both cook, both clean, both look after DD, both work full time. DH might ask me “will this chicken be OK to have tomorrow if we don’t use it tonight” or something like that. But it’s a question, not a criticism which is how your bacon query sounded.

Sorry op I don’t often say this but the fact you would live off beans and toast if you were on your own is pathetic.
Learn to bloody cook. Could you not even make pasta and a simple sauce?

My 8 year old can make a bolognese we can all eat and enjoy (with a bit of supervision on using heat). My 5 year old can grate cheese and crack eggs and knows what goes into cakes.

I would suggest making a bolognese as your first cooking challenge. It's so easy and you will honestly feel so much satisfaction and achieving something. If you've never been taught as a kid and then had someone cook for you all the time in an see how you've got in this situation, but you have the power to fix it.

If you start making effort to try I suspect you'll get much more flexibility from your DH.

And you don't know what to do...
Apologise
Learn to cook
Deal with your anxiety and prep your own food

YABU Did your mum not teach you how to cook? Did you not do any home economics? To not be able to cook anything at all is shameful.

YABU what adult doesn’t know how to cook? You need to learn at some point in life! I’d be livid too.

I'd have told you to fuck off as well. Learn to cook, and learn that cooked food will be fine in the fridge, or; don't stick your oar in.

@HouseworkAvoider10

"Telling you to fuck off wasn't on.
I wouldn't be speaking to him after that."

Perhaps not. Bit sounds like OP is a useless mare. And it was probably the final straw.

OP sounds like a prat saying she can't cook except for nuggets. That's just a lie.anyone can cook.if she can bung nuggets and smiley faces in the ovemn. Opens tin and heat the contents and make toast. She can easily cook.
Making a sausage and veg tray bake, for example, is the same art of skills. Just involved chopping up veg...which a 5 year old can do. And even if for some reason she's unable to cut up a potato or a carrot. You can get pre chopped veg. In fact you can buy packs of mixed chopped veg for specific meals....

OP is being lazy and using 'i can't cook' as a poor excuse.

Telling you to fuck off wasn't on.

When one adult suggests that another adult who is working to help her is being careless enough to cause food poisoning, telling her to fuck off is totally "on".

If I was doing the cooking all the time and my DH constantly questioned me, or was critical or suggested food poisoning risks I would have snapped too and told him to FO and walked out. You sound lazy, you say that you don't cook and do a little bit of cleaning. What do you contribute to family life?

You sound lazy, you say that you don't cook and do a little bit of cleaning. What do you contribute to family life?

OP tutors the children in amateur dramatics.

This was the straw that broke the camel's back. Has he told you calmly to butt out before and yet you still do it?

Telling you to fuck off wasn't on.
I wouldn't be speaking to him after that.

Said no one on any identical thread with the sexes reversed. Everyone would be saying LTB.

I hope he's resurfaced by now. Tbh if my DH constantly asked questions about my food I'd have snapped too, you really need to learn to cook some basic meals, - our college does courses on different foods - maybe try there ?

I think those posters who say OP is lazy are being unfair and missing the point. Lots of women cook all or most meals, do at least some of the cleaning and sort out childcare. Whether the husband is viewed as lazy will depend on what else he does (some cleaning, ocassional meals and collecting kids, maintenance, mows the lawn, trims hedges, etc). No different, and this is entirely up to them to decide on fair division of labour and roles.

However the issue here is OP's attitude to food. Why the obsession with food poisoning? Also the need to be controlling over what her partner is doing (driven by the fear of food poisoning). This needs dealing with by first communicating very honestly with your partner about how you feel, but perhaps more importantly listening to (without interrupting or judging) how your DP is feeling. Second you may need some outside help through some kind of counselling or therapy if this is something that you feel unable to deal with and control so you can relax around food prepared by your DP.

YABU and I don't blame your DP for reacting as he did, but you both need to examine what are the underlying causes for your anxiety and his response.

I apparently frowned and also said I didn’t think bacon would be safe to eat after being cooked and put in the fridge for a few days.

You buy ham slices for sandwiches though? Which are the same thing, pig cooked days and days ago, refrigerated and can still be used on sandwiches days and days afterwards.

Your DP is right. You refuse to cook but you cannot even be bothered to look up how long cooked meat lasts so you ask stupid questions. If you’re cleaning and he’s cooking, at least educate yourself on cooking before asking questions.

@SinkGirl this might shock you but I actually didn't know that (hides face in shame) but I am going to make it because it sounds delicious! Wondering if my kids will eat it.. any other simple delicious recipes put them in here (completely misses point of thread)

Doesn’t shock me at all - and they are bloody delicious (definitely add the sour cream!). Food of the gods (and not very healthy, like all the best foods!). Haven’t had them for ages because our twins are allergic to dairy and I’m yet to find a dairy free cheese that isn’t grim, so have some for me!

My mum is like you. She questions every ingredient, how the meal was cooked, the ingredients stored. I absolutely hate cooking for her. It's like she doesn't trust me (despite never having made her ill). I've started saying "I've made x for dinner, you don't have to eat it" and leaving it at that.

If you are so worried about the food, learn to cook yourself.

I've never been sick from my cooking, I've never made anyone else sick either so when OH fussed over dates,smell, colour of meat etc he was promptly told to fuck off too and he does his own dinner.

The irony is the only times he got a dodgy tummy was when he got take aways or cooked himself,never from my cooking.

I realise that OP has probably long since gone but theres two issues here.

1. anxiety around food poisoning. Does this come up often? Do you know the origins of it? I would recommend looking up and then following the safe methods of cooking and storing foods. If you and hubby both agree to this then it should help your fears and allow you to trust his skills.

2. You need to be more proactively involved with not just the cooking but the buying and general management of food. This might be meal planning for the week so you know what food should be used when.

Honestly im not a great cook. Like really not great. However we eat really decent meals because of recipies etc. They can lay out step by step instructions, and help you build your confidence. Try packet mixes for some sauces if it helps you feel more confident.

Just try being around the food more, if he is cooking can you do a simpler task involved like peeling or chopping?

Honestly the longer you stay out the kitchen the more fear will build up x