To have a baby alone?

[afternoonishazy]

Or am I being ridiculous to think I could do this ... am 39 ...

Your child will be fine. Don’t worry about that.
I was raised by a single mother (father left) and I am very close to her. Yes it was though growing up with hardly any money and everyone else having a mum & dad. I survived and your child will too.

The finances, childcare cost, back up, etc. is something you need to focus on. Save every penny now as having a child is expensive.

Good luck

I'm an only child who was brought up by a single parent whose family lived out of the country. I grew up feeling happy, secure and loved. My father also lived in a different country and I saw him maybe once a year or less but his mother did make the effort to spend time with me so I knew the other side of my family. I honestly never felt that I was missing out by not having a dad, my mum showered me with love. She had no family support and was a teenage parent who created her own support network through her friends and from building relationships with the mums of my friends who could provide childcare in an emergency etc. If its something you really want and feel you could cope, then you should at least try.

Go for it! It’s now or never and if it’s something you want you will always regret it! Of course you can do it alone, thousands of women do each year xxx

You can do anything alone if you have to. I did. In awful circumstances. I’m so glad I did.

Hi op. If it feels right to you go for it. The very fact you're considering what it'll be like for the child says it all to me. You want this child, and they'll be much loved. Yes there will be difficulties but you'll get through. Not all of us were lucky enough to meet the right man at an earlier age, and even those who did might not have been able to get pregnant exactly when they wanted. This child will be much loved. Go for it.

I'm a single parent through choice. I looked into fertility treatment in my late thirties but ultimately even though I felt confident to parent alone I didn't want to go through pregnancy and giving birth alone. So I adopted my son when I was 40 and he was one, and I haven't looked back. As others have said, childcare costs are significant so do look carefully at that.

I didn't plan to bring DD up alone, but her father left when I was pregnant and has had zero contact, paid no maintenance etc. I was overseas so no family support (in fact my father didn't speak to me for six years because of the shame). DD is an only child, 22, I've had relationships but never a live in one. She and I have a great relationship and she seems as balanced as any other 22 year old I know, maybe a bit more responsible and independent than others, but that's often the case with only children/single parent families.

I was lucky in that I could afford childcare and that DD was literally never ill. I didn't take a single day off work from when she was two months old in full time day care until at least six years old, and that includes holidays apart from the four/five weeks a year I took off.

So I would say go ahead.

The older they get, potentially the harder it could be for them.

Absolute rubbish. My son of 28 as an only child of a single mum (from 6 months) is perfectly well-rounded thanks.
Loads of single kids of married/coupled-up families around too, do they all have a problem? FFS.

OP, life has no guarantees.

Only you can make the decision for yourself. Go for it now with all the difficulties you will go through bringing up a child, or regret in X years down the line.....

I've had relationships but never a live in one.

This is the key for me too, Lobster.

Life is hard enough as a single working mum without adding a man into my home. only have to read threads on here to know it's the right decision

If I was in your position I would go down the co-parenting route with a gay couple. Your child will have more people to love it, support and financially it won't all be on you. I have friends who have done it and it is working well. In your position I would also hire a maternity nurse for the first 6 weeks. Good luck and I hope it works out for you.

I am a single mum by choice. Do not underestimate the mental loneliness to being a single parent but I don't regret it one bit

Yes if it was a 1st child..
When I had ds I did it all alone due to. Dv.
I had no support loved away from family.

I can honestly say it was easy. I had routine. Ds was fairly good sleep wise etc. Yes there were difficulties with tantrums etc but 95% of the time it was a breeze

In fact much easier than now with a teen, a husband and a toddler... Shes a nightmare at times.. I've never felt so run down and sleep deprived

Yep I would, I was nearly there myself. They will always know they were very wanted

I’m not bothered about tiredness or anything like that

Oh boy.

You cannot say that till you've had months of unrelenting crying. I buckled and I had a husband. And I didn't have to go to work the next day either.

@TwinkleFoes
let’s not go down the lines of what ifs

It's that attitude that lands people in the shit when the ifs happen.

Absolutely.

What if the child's poorly again and your work is unsympathetic? What happens when you're poorly? Or need to go to hospital?
What if your baby doesn't sleep and you still need to go to work the next day?

Will you be able to afford the childcare up until the child goes to secondary school?

Many many women cope because they have to. Wonder how many would have actively chosen to go it alone from Day 1?

But ultimately couldn't bring a child into the world knowing that they'd be forever be wondering about half their heritage, biology etc because of a decision I made.

This jumped out at me.

Maybe so. But provided that child has a happy and loving home, I am sure if asked when older they would rather not have been born.

Sorry that came out wrong...I meant to say I'm sure the identity issues wouldn't be so severe that this person would rather not have existed and not had their life.

If you can only just about afford it I wouldn’t - my friend did it but she had a lot of money - she budgeted for the fact she intended to be a full time single mum forever.

I wouldn’t in those circumstances. Egg quality may be low, tight finances means limited opportunities for a child and no safety net if something goes wrong and with no support what would happen to the child should the worst happen to you?

no one can see the future and know how your child would feel about it. It's a tough decision, no doubt.

I think you do need to plan for the what ifs, actually, so you can make an informed decision.

Look into the cost and availability of local childminders - building a good relationship with someone who can come and help out when things go wrong will be essential.

What maternity leave will you be realistically able to take?
What support groups are there for (single) parents locally?
Who will be able to come and help with basic day to day chores if you have a difficult labour and need time to recover?
Who would be the child's legal guardian if something happened to you?

The drive to be a parent is huge. Planning will be key. If you can find answers to some of these issues, go for it.

What if ... bla bla bla?

Leaving aside the fact that all the 'what if' illness/ disablity/ childcare/sleeplessness scenarios can happen to any parent whether they're married, single or living in a commune, there are as many ways of dealing with emergencies and difficulties as there are people and somehow single parents usually cope as well as everyone else.
Of people I know
Friend 1 - single parent after escaping abusive relationship when pregnant also cared for disabled mum - coped mainly by using paid childcare and working part time until her dc started school.
Friend 2 - single parent by choice with friend sperm donor (who moved away and took no active parenting role), coped with reciprocal arrangements with friends to take each other's dcs one evening a week and in emergencies. Lives an amazingly happy life of fun and travel with her dd.
Friend 3 - single parent after divorce, with difficult shift work patterns coped by going self-employed, running a business from home and having a live in lodger friend who would child mind in emergencies

And all the people who are happy to bandy around dire warnings on the terrible negative effects of being a child of a single parent family are simply wrong. The stats show that children do well in happy stable homes and that includes families with married couples, same sex couples, single parents and blended families. The children who do less well are those from homes where there is conflict, disruption and instability. Of my friends above, all their dcs are now grown up and doing amazingly well, except Friend 3's older dc who's struggling with mental health problems. I don't know if it's any coincidence that this dc witnessed more of the marriage conflict and was repeatedly let down by his semi-absent, unpredictable Disney dad.

There are as many different ways of being a good parent as there are parents.

After being a single parent for the past 12 years I wouldn't.
I didnt have a choice as my ex chose to walk when my dd was born and whilst I'm fine now shes older the early years were so tough and I feel bad for saying this but I was just willing her to grow up as the baby/toddler years were dire and I did have a small amount of support.

Having one stable, loving parent is better for a child than having one or more crap parents in their lives.

If I hadn't met DH then I'd have gone it alone, so if you've always wanted a child then I say go for it!

Research things you can do to make it easier though. Can you move closer to family or close friends? Can you vet your sperm doner to reduce the chances of genetic disorders?

I’ve done it alone and with a dp and would choose to do it alone again over doing it with a dp again.