Husband holding hands with male friend.

[User3679963]

I would like a little perspective please.

My husband told me that a male friend (who he rarely sees) holds his hand when they meet up. I think this is odd, I cant imagine walking through town to see my husband holding hands with his friend. But my husband genuinely sees nothing wrong with it. When I said I thought it was odd, he stared at me blankly and just said 'Sorry I dont see what's wrong with it.' His friend is straight, as is my husband (although during his teens he apparently used to hold hands with another male friend, who he thought he had feelings for but in the end they were just very good friends. They both had hard upbringings and were like brothers).
I asked him if he thought it appropriate to hold a female friends hand, and he said if she was to reach for his hand he wouldn't have an issue with it. We are all British, so it's not a cultural thing. (I know in some cultures it's the norm for male friends to hold hands)
So as not to drop feed, my husband isn't the most affectionate person. We're intimate on average once every 4 months, sometimes 6, and he sees this as normal and has no worries about it. We rarely kiss other than a peck when one of us is going out, and hes not the type to cuddle up on the sofa in the evenings (it wasn't like this before we got married) So I can't tell if he is either genuinely detached emotionally, so something like hand holding isn't an intimate action to him, or whether there is more to this.

I'm sorry if this seems like a ridiculous thing to ask.

My friend saw my husband in town one night holding hands with another man. Turned out he WAS gay. Honey, your husband is gay.

Thank you all. To be honest this started out as a thread just for me to prove to him that it's not normal behaviour, and I ended up delving into our relationship more than planned (a long time coming). I will definitely be showing him this so he can at least see that I'm not the strange one, so he can see how I view it (and that I'm certainly not alone!) and councilling will definitely be on the cards, whether it's to get honesty or to work things out.

Because honestly, on AIBU, if it looks like and a duck, and walks like a duck, we're all going to scream "it's a fucking duck!", not surmise what kind of mallard it might be

FFS THIS. I can hardly believe the explanations being suggested in this thread- oh he's woke, he might be on the spectrum, he's just being expressive etc.

He can still be all of that and gay. He's gay. Its the most blindingly obvious answer here and I actually think its cruel for people to pretend otherwise to the OP. I'm sorry OP but he's gay.

My XP was ASD.

He, too, was ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN that anything he did was the only possible way things could be done. If he only drank tea, then nobody 'should' drink coffee. If he hated pineapple, then everyone 'should' hate pineapple. All evidence to the contrary didn't convince him otherwise.

Makes me wonder if OP's DH is on the spectrum and is convinced that the way he lives his life is totally normal and how everyone is.

Only gay men hold hands in public - sorry x

Zaphodsotherhead He does in fact share that opinion of pineapple. Passionately so.

My husband is fairly tactile much more so with me and DD than anyone else, currently laid on the sofa sort of laying on each other.
He is quite accepting of everyone being who they are, no I'll feeling towards gay relations, but I've just also asked him his thought. His answer was sounds gay to me. Also says it's weird they're close enough to hold hands whilst walking around, but not close enough for friend to have attended your wedding?

Have you considered having a bit of a snoop at his internet history? Maybe what hes watching could show what hes attracted to.

Males here do not hold hands.

Interestingly in Africa it’s very common and I found it a little odd at first but actually it’s very sweet.

I remember visiting Sri Lanka years ago and being told by the tour guide not to stare at the men and boys holding hands and cuddling. You're right, it is normal in some cultures, but not in British culture.

I think he's breaking you in slowly and eventually you'll have this friend and possibly others, in your life more, but he'll have convinced you that it's all normal.

@laudete, in British culture you don't think hand holding between fully functioning adults, is intimate or gendered?

@williams345

1 is married with kids and the one has a gf, they are defiantly not bi

Just FYI, as someone bisexual, we are allowed to marry and have kids and have one partner of one sex but still be attracted to the other sex too. You know... coz we are bisexual.

@MitziK

All the behaviour you described is totally 100% regular behaviour for most people, not just musicians 😂

Holding hands with a friend walking down the street is totally different to bunking up / greeting with hugs and kisses - that's the whole point. One is regular, one is unusual for people not in a romantic relationship.

Also can you not say "retarded" when you're trying to call other people small minded. Doesn't do much for your cause, horrible word.

Yes I agree with @Apirateslifeforme maybe have a snoop at Internet history. I think you need to get to the bottom of it rather than show this thread to your DH. He is just going to twist people's opinion as being outdated, rigid, not understanding the changing world etc.

Just to clarify the first bit below was meant to be bold as I was quoting another poster. Definitely not my words! Corrected below...

@williams345

1 is married with kids and the one has a gf, they are defiantly not bi

Just FYI, as someone bisexual, we are allowed to marry and have kids and have one partner of one sex but still be attracted to the other sex too. You know... coz we are bisexual.

Op I don't think you are correct in saying he doesn't have much to lose . You have a child and he may love you and the life you have. Being gay isn't a choice and he might, if he is gay, want to keep things as they are. The question is,do you? As you posted this now, perhaps now is the time for you both to examine your relationship, perhaps with the help of a Relate counsellor.

Just FYI, as someone bisexual, we are allowed to marry and have kids and have one partner of one sex but still be attracted to the other sex too. You know... coz we are bisexual

Of course you are allowed. But thats not the issue here is it? the issue here is that the H is withholding affection from his own wife but giving it to a male friend. He also only wants sex with his wife every 6 months.
That lack of sex and affection would really bother me, doesnt matter if he is bi or not.

I feel awful sharing his personal life here, but since its anonymous and could help. When we were dating he said he doesn't get the point of porn, and that he literally has no interest in it. I found female based porn in his browser once years ago, but nothing since. We argued because he claimed to have no sex drive, so I couldn't get my head around how he could say that, whilst watching porn, whilst not being affectionate with me. That was the only reason I checked, and haven't since because I'm sure he would keep his history clear.

Op I don't think you are correct in saying he doesn't have much to lose

Agree with this. He has everything to lose- doesnt matter how open or accepting he is of anyone else's sexuality - HE has a family that he will likely lose if he comes out. OP would likely want to divorce or seek another partner which would mean not living with his child any more and the child potentially in the future having a step dad. Thats a HUGE amount to lose.

The fact he is supportive of gay culture, and not remotely homophobic doesn't mean he is willing to split his marriage and live as a gay man. Many sadly will go the ends of the earth to not do that.

And he knows social norms. Stop pretending he thinks he walks about and sees straight men going to thr shops etc all holding hands. He does not. So he is already lying to you.

It's not just the holding hands, it's the fact he doesn't wish sex with uou and has previously admitted to homosexual feelings.

Maybe if he had his time again, and was able to come out as a young teen, all your lives would be very different now.

The question uou need to face and answer is are you willing to,live your life in basically a platonic marriage? To live with the thought he is sexually attracted to men? That he may be acting on it? Or may act on it? Or that even he holds hands in public with his very likely gay friend? Knowing people he knows, people you know, will probably see him? And every single one will assume you're in a gay marriage? And gossip about it?

Maybe he was looking at female porn in an attempt to get turned on but it didnt work which is why he felt no need to delete it? If he is deleting his history you dont know what else he is looking at

I walk arm in arm, hold hands with and kiss my female best friend. We are both hetero (before we married, in fact, we were both promiscuous). But we are from cultures where this is common. I went out with a bi-sexual man who often held his friend's hand. But we had an active sex life. I think the issue here is that your H doesn't want to have sex with you. The porn thing, well, so? I've been with several guys who got nothing out of porn, including my H of 19 years.

Honestly, I would still check. If you arent in the habit of checking, he may have been sloppy in deleting history etc. Please look before you confront him.

Any reason as to why only this male friend ever holds his hand?

If it's normal, why just the one friend?

I find holding someone’s (some adult of the opposite sex) hand a very intimate act, heavily sexually charged. I assumed it was a general thing. I exclude situations described by pps such as holding hands with your friend to get to the bar, or to the toilet if they’re about to throw up. Though I do think young (heterosexual) women sometimes hold hands to interest men with a lesbian vibe.
OP’s husband is gay, or very clueless about sex and physical relationships.

He literally just brought it up as a matter of fact when I said it was clear the female characters were a couple because they were holding hands, and he said it isn't necessarily an indication they were a couple. The fact that the friend was also extremely close to his female friend, to the point that everyone assumed they were a couple makes me think hes bi in the very least and is overly affectionate with friends. To be honest if I imagine the situation if his friend reaching for his hand I would have thought my husband would feel very awkward . But since he doesn't find it weird, I guess not. He's not like this with his actual best friend at all, they throw faux insults at one another left right and centre and have what I see as a stereotypical hetero male friendship with no indications that it is anything but.

@mimilarue

Of course you are allowed. But thats not the issue here is it? the issue here is that the H is withholding affection from his own wife but giving it to a male friend. He also only wants sex with his wife every 6 months.

I totally agree.

My comment was only in response to a poster saying (in their post I have bolded in a previous post) that those actors can't possibly be bi because they are married with a kid - not in response to anything else on the thread.

I hate comments like PPs and felt I should address it because they perpetuate this strange idea some people have that if someone is bisexual they can't have a long term committed relationship with one person.