Husband holding hands with male friend.

[User3679963]

I would like a little perspective please.

My husband told me that a male friend (who he rarely sees) holds his hand when they meet up. I think this is odd, I cant imagine walking through town to see my husband holding hands with his friend. But my husband genuinely sees nothing wrong with it. When I said I thought it was odd, he stared at me blankly and just said 'Sorry I dont see what's wrong with it.' His friend is straight, as is my husband (although during his teens he apparently used to hold hands with another male friend, who he thought he had feelings for but in the end they were just very good friends. They both had hard upbringings and were like brothers).
I asked him if he thought it appropriate to hold a female friends hand, and he said if she was to reach for his hand he wouldn't have an issue with it. We are all British, so it's not a cultural thing. (I know in some cultures it's the norm for male friends to hold hands)
So as not to drop feed, my husband isn't the most affectionate person. We're intimate on average once every 4 months, sometimes 6, and he sees this as normal and has no worries about it. We rarely kiss other than a peck when one of us is going out, and hes not the type to cuddle up on the sofa in the evenings (it wasn't like this before we got married) So I can't tell if he is either genuinely detached emotionally, so something like hand holding isn't an intimate action to him, or whether there is more to this.

I'm sorry if this seems like a ridiculous thing to ask.

So he's told you in the past he's held hands with a man he thought he had feelings for? So he knows it's something people do in intimate relationships. But he doesn't show you any intimacy. The mother of his child?
You don't have sex and he's early thirties.
He didn't want couples counselling cos he wanted to discuss his own issues alone!
Come on, OP. You know the answer here don't you.

@MissBax - precisely! @User3679963 it's so obvious - him wanting to talk alone without you there and him admitting that he's held hands with someone he wants to be intimate with.

I'm really sad for you OP. Unlike me (and other women who've had the misfortune to marry secretly gay men) you have an opportunity to live a full and happier life with your child away from your lying, no doubt cheating, husband. Pull up your big girl pants!

OP - have you ever asked him straight out why he only wants sex twice a year? why the affection stopped after you got married? and why he never wants cuddle with you? have you told him how rejected this must make you feel?

Because I think you should.

@JessJonesJumps Dubai definitely used to have a culture of adult male friends holding hands - I visited around 20 years ago and was surprised to see it but my dad (who was working there) said it was the norm for the local population. I can’t imagine it’s become less permissive since then, but maybe that culture has died out?

I really feel for you. I know now that I was a beard for many years. Still am to some extent. It's isn't a good feeling. Please look after yourself.

I would listen to Bluntness and sunshine. They know as do you I think and you will get an awful lot of help on here.

Stop focusing on the hand holding.
The biggest issue is he knows your are unhappy with the frequency of sex and he doesn't change or attempt to improve it.

WTF Dubai is crazy conservative!!! Brits have been arrested in Dubai for kissing in public etc
I have no idea about the men holding hand thing but Dubai is very conservative and very religious

I am not sure this means the men are gay, it's not the norm for men to hold hands, so this will always be seen as odd,and promote comments by all and sundry. Haven't you heard of someone needing a helping hand. !!

I am amazed by this one, Very odd do you think it can be as deep as being gay, how old is your DH? I can only remember holding hands In twos at primary school girl or boy if we went out on trips or to assemblies.😄😄👍 Do you think it maybe a child habit he hasn’t grown out of😄 my DH is a creature of habit since he has moved close to his family. Although there are so many Footballers and Rugby players coming out now, forgetting they have wives and families to think about!! 😄😄

Apologies if I have missed something, but as I understand it, they held hands whilst seated and during a conversation? That's very different from walking along together and holding hands. During a seated conversation it could be interpreted as a gesture of support, solidarity, warmth -- kind of reinforcing a listening stance and indicating 'I'm here for you mate'. More common among women perhaps but not all that unusual among men.
Even if I have misunderstood the nature of the handholding, I don't understand the confidence of some posters that the guy must be gay or 'on the spectrum' or whatever. Everyone's different, and it sounds like the OP is in some ways quite a distinctive person. We can't hope to define him on the basis of what we gather from a mumsnet thread.

Even if I have misunderstood the nature of the handholding, I don't understand the confidence of some posters that the guy must be gay

Because you missed the part where he only has sex with his wife, the OP, twice a year, shows her no affection and has told her he had crushes on men in the past.

Those are little clues why people have been jumping to the "he's gay" conclusion

Leaving aside what your partner may or may not be doing - are you happy in your relationship?

I'd not, something needs to change if you want to be happy - you deserve happiness, you deserve to be loved.

You've got potentially the rest of your life in this relationship - what feeling does that idea leave you with?

In my experience most straight men appear very, very protective over their "straight" image and no way in hell would be seen in holding another mans hand.... unless they enjoyed it, in which case, their "straightness" is questionable.

I'm very sorry OP you need a very honest conversation with your OH.

Who initiated the hand hold? If he's making a conscious effort to be "big on empathy and emotions" as you say then I'm not surprised he'd have allowed a hand hold to occur during a difficult and/or drunken conversation, even if he's not the type of person to initiate one.

It sounds to me that he does have many traits associated with ASD. This could be the only explanation needed. And/or he may also be a little bisexual - not really a big deal as long as he's not cheating on you. I personally don't consider hand holding to be cheating.

In my experience most straight men appear very, very protective over their "straight" image

I have quite a different experience. I think a lot of men are much less bothered about this than used to be the case. Also, I suspect you are more likely to be 'protective of your straight image' if you aren't, actually, entirely straight and either you or people you are with would have problems with that.

I would put money on a senario where he was spotted having enjoying a date out and about on a date by a mutual friend of yours and he’s preemptively telling you a story to cover his arse
If you are happy, stay in this relationship if unfulfilled, go

In my culture(I’m African) it’s normal for men to hold hands,specially when going for a walk.If his friend is from abroad he could have picked up some mannerisms.

I also happen to have a close friend who would never come out to himself, at least not while his parents are alive,even though everyone is aware and I’ve known him for most of my life.We have discussed how he will manage in a marriage where intimacy is expected and his answer was that he will make excuses for most of the time and only do it once or twice a year. So far he hasn’t accepted any marriage proposal, but he’ll have to soon cos he is 40 and his parents want to see him married. Although your husband might not have the cultural pressure to be straight he might not be ready to come out to himself and still at the stage of refusing to accept himself, so it’s only natural to come up with other excuses like work and stress etc.
The main issue should not be about his sexual orientation but the lack of affection and intimacy in your relationship, are you happy with how things are ?

Did your husband go to boarding school by any chance? I notice with my DS and his friends (all hetero) that they are very comfortable with close physical comfort with each other.... will sit with they arms around each others shoulders, hug and kiss on cheeks with meeting or leaving. It is lovely to see how this aspect of their friendship persists; they are like a band of brothers. I have talked about it with my son and he sees it as a huge positive that they are so comfortable with each other.

BTW I have female friends whose hand I hold when we are out and about. We are not bi - not hippies but I would accept that some may call us a bit bohemian.

@Google31

Hasn't your friend got any scruples?

Why would he deliberately marry a woman when he knows he is gay, with the express intention of only having sex every six months?

Why would he/could he do this to a woman, just because he thinks his parents wouldn't be supportive of his being gay?

I just wanted to also add that Dubai is an Arabic country and it’s normal in Arab culture for men to hold hands. I’ve noticed that in the middle eastern culture men are more affectionate with each other than anywhere else.

• @TheMustressMhor*

My friend cannot stomach the idea of sleeping with a woman, but we come from a culture where gay is a taboo and add that to a religion that says gays will go to hell unless they are celibate, so he is staying celibate.
I personally would be very surprised if he gets married, but there might come a time where his mum has enough of his excuses.We have known each other since we were kids and I really don’t know how his mum doesn’t( or chooses to ignore).

If he held hands with this friend in front of 2 friends of yours, it sounds like it was a very natural part of the conversation with this friend who lives in a culture where holding hands is normal. My interpretation of all this is that he is not highly sexed and also does not see hand holding as exclusively romantic. His friend, from a culture where it is normal, took his hand during conversation and your DH was unphased by this and accepted it. Why does it need to be more than this? Surely it is normal during trends to be a bit confused about your sexualities? Particularly if you are not highly sexed. I think that is a red herring. My advice would be a heart to heart re your need for more intimacy and I would not be worried about the hand holding at all. Not sure why people are so quick and desperate to tell people their marriage is over!!

He genuinely didn't think about his friends reaction,he didn't realise anyone would think it odd. He said it was as they all left the pub, his friend grabbed his hands they were all talking, not proper interlocked fingers, but still.

teens not trends