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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Husband holding hands with male friend.

484 replies

User3679963 · 18/01/2020 10:00

I would like a little perspective please.

My husband told me that a male friend (who he rarely sees) holds his hand when they meet up. I think this is odd, I cant imagine walking through town to see my husband holding hands with his friend. But my husband genuinely sees nothing wrong with it. When I said I thought it was odd, he stared at me blankly and just said 'Sorry I dont see what's wrong with it.' His friend is straight, as is my husband (although during his teens he apparently used to hold hands with another male friend, who he thought he had feelings for but in the end they were just very good friends. They both had hard upbringings and were like brothers).
I asked him if he thought it appropriate to hold a female friends hand, and he said if she was to reach for his hand he wouldn't have an issue with it. We are all British, so it's not a cultural thing. (I know in some cultures it's the norm for male friends to hold hands)
So as not to drop feed, my husband isn't the most affectionate person. We're intimate on average once every 4 months, sometimes 6, and he sees this as normal and has no worries about it. We rarely kiss other than a peck when one of us is going out, and hes not the type to cuddle up on the sofa in the evenings (it wasn't like this before we got married) So I can't tell if he is either genuinely detached emotionally, so something like hand holding isn't an intimate action to him, or whether there is more to this.

I'm sorry if this seems like a ridiculous thing to ask.

OP posts:
beautifulstranger101 · 18/01/2020 15:26

*Ok op, he is not neuro typical and that's the reason for all of it.

🤷‍♀️*

Yep, this. I dont really see what more anyone can say, OP. You seem determined to find what you consider to be perfectly rational reasons for his behaviour. Pretty much everyone in this thread has told you it isn't "the norm" and it indicates he's gay. You've even thrown in little titbits about him having crushes on men in the past but then when people have mentioned this you insist it doesnt mean anything and he "turned the friend down". So why mention it then? If your're so convinced its all innocent why did you mention it? and why even post this?

Your husband is gay. But if you want to carry on thinking he's just socially awkward or its all innocent or he's on the spectrum then that is of course, your prerogative. I just find it sad that you are in a marriage with no affection and no sex. Life is short and I would hate you to get to old age and think shit, why didnt I leave?......

GiveHerHellFromUs · 18/01/2020 15:28

my husband turned him down, and went on to have a girlfriend, and then his friend entered a gay relationship.

Your husband held hands with a gay man then got cold feet about coming out, is how this reads OP.
He had feelings for the friend and the friend had feelings for him which is why they held hands

Bluntness100 · 18/01/2020 15:28

If he wouldn't be happy if you held hands with a male friend that means he is fully aware of the romantic connotation of handholding in the British culture. Otherwise, if it was 'normal' for two men to hold hands and not to have romantic relationship, why wouldn't it be normal for a straight woman and straight man to do the same? 2) I would be very, VERY concerned if my husband erased his search history on our computer on a regular basis. That means that there are things there he doesn't want you to see. That, again, completely collides with the entire 'he's open and would admit to me' idea.

These are very good points. If he genuinely thought there was nothing odd about it he'd have no issue you doin it. And he'd be happy for you to see his search history.

Op. He knows. You know. You're just both playing a game pretending uou dont. He's pretending it's normal and you're pretending it must be autism that makes him hold hands with his gay male friend, not want sex with you, hide his internet history, and not wish to be intimate with you, hide his friends sexuality, and admit to homosexual feelings as a teenager.

For context, I've never felt the need to ask my husband if he is gay,,never mind several times. The fact you even need to ask is very telling.

You both know. The question is do you both prefer to continue to live a lie? It seems at this point the answer is yes.

Just ask him not to do it in public.

Thinkingabout1t · 18/01/2020 15:41

It's his loss of interest in you, physically, that sounds more as if he is gay and not coming to terms with it. Do talk to him, OP. Better to be clear about his feelings and yours.

It doesn't sound like a happy situation for you. Is it really just habit that keeps you staying with him? Don't end up spending years of your list with someone who's not really interested in you. Best of luck xx

Thinkingabout1t · 18/01/2020 15:42

Doh - "years of your life".

Mlou32 · 18/01/2020 15:48

Is he from another country? There are countries where it's normal for male friends to walk around holding other male friends hands.

HairyString · 18/01/2020 15:49

I have been around the block and I have never had a BF that would hold hands with another man and I don't know any men that would apart from my one openly gay male friend.

Walk away from this marriage with some dignity OP. After you leave I bet all sorts of stuff will come crawling out of the woodwork.

I had a BF for a while and he was gay no question. He wouldn't admit it even to himself but he definitely was. Sometimes men can't admit it even to themselves no matter if they live and work in a 'woke' field or if they are a trucker covered in tatts mixing with similar. He has his reasons for not coming out. They will be purely selfish. Don't try to understand anything other than that you are not happy and that's all you need in order to separate, divorce and find happiness.

JessJonesJumps · 18/01/2020 15:52

Neither of those places have a culture of men holding hands. In fact, both are quite strict on public displays of affection.

Sorry OP - I'm starting to think Bluntness was right with their first post.

ClumzyOwlz · 18/01/2020 15:57

Tbh, I don't even "hold hands" with my female friend ends, I'm a female. The only person I hold hands with is my daughter or dp. If I saw two women walking down the street with hands clasped, I would think they were a lesbian couple. For men, it's even less likely to be straight and hold another man's hand.

User3679963 · 18/01/2020 16:00

I just questioned him, and he said it was at a conference in a pub and they were with two of his local friends who know me, and know we have a child. They didn't say anything, not really sure what to think of that.

OP posts:
User3679963 · 18/01/2020 16:02

And it didn't happen since then, not when they were alone for coffee like I assumed. If hes being truthful, that is.

OP posts:
Mammajay · 18/01/2020 16:04

Talking about something is perhaps different to questioning him. The latter sounds one sided rather than a shared conversation.

teethgrindwind · 18/01/2020 16:06

Ah is he a creative type? Work in a design agency ? Normal then. The camper the better ! Air kisses 😘

StillCoughingandLaughing · 18/01/2020 16:12

They didn't say anything

You can bet they did when they got home.

AllTheWhoresOfMalta · 18/01/2020 16:12

NewLoveCG My husband is what would broadly be termed metrosexual. I cannot imagine him holding hands with one of his mates! Come to that I wouldn’t hold hands with any of my friends. I’m almost in middle age. Where I live and in my culture (London, broadly lower middle class) this is not usual! I’d be interested as to where you live and who your mates are!

OP my suspicion would be that your husband is gay. I’ve never known a man want to have that little sex above anything else. I’m so sorry.

User3679963 · 18/01/2020 16:12

StillCoughingandLaughing Yes, I completely agree unfortunately.

OP posts:
MimiLaRue · 18/01/2020 16:16

They didn't say anything

Well of course they didnt- what would they say? they will be assuming all sorts of things now though. They might even assume you are in a fake marriage and you are his beard.

Its pretty shitty of him to do this to you- now everyone will be gossiping about you. For someone "empathetic and emotional" he doesnt seem very empathic of your feelings, OP.

Also I am lol at the "he's on the spectrum" comments. Not a single person would be giving this excuse if he was holding hands with a female colleague/friend

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 18/01/2020 16:17

A conference in a pub?

wotsittoyou · 18/01/2020 16:17

OP, you're talking like there's no reason to be in a relationship with you if he's homosexual. Let's be honest, a sexual relationship with you is not a priority for him, is it? So clearly he's in it for different reasons. Can't you imagine why somebody might want to have a traditional family, in the family home?

He's clearly not into women. We can't say whether he's attracted to men - he might be asexual. The handholding could be a result of him not 'getting' why it's seen by most of the country as inappropriate because he's never felt the sexual energy most people get (at least sometimes) from touching other unrelated adults.

Whatever the case, are you happy with the virtually non-existent sex life you have?

NeckPainChairSearch · 18/01/2020 16:17

Bluntness has it, I think OP. You have some big decisions about how to handle this: good luck.

NeckPainChairSearch · 18/01/2020 16:20

My husband is what would broadly be termed metrosexual. I cannot imagine him holding hands with one of his mates

My DH's friend could also be described in this way. He's very affectionate, big hugs and a kiss (for my DH) when he sees him.

He straight, married and wouldn't hold hands with a man.

Bluntness100 · 18/01/2020 16:24

i told you someone had seen him op and that's why he told you

5LeafClover · 18/01/2020 16:26

Conference, coffees for two, hand holding in pubs, then his friend went back to the other side of the world so they can never be together? It does sound very like he had a (another) romantic, short lived EA with this man ( or a long lived long distance one) but now he's gaslighting you in case you hear about it elsewhere.

olivertwistwantsmore · 18/01/2020 16:26

Never seen straight men holding hands. Why would they? Sounds like he might be gay, op, and gaslighting you...

MimiLaRue · 18/01/2020 16:27

i told you someone had seen him op and that's why he told you

Spot on. Plus, if he thought it was so normal and no big deal then why didnt he assume his friends would also think that? You say he looked surprised when you said "what if my mother saw you" well why wasnt his reaction the same with his friends? He clearly DOES know its not normal if he mentioned it to preempt any gossip doesnt he? he knows full well what it looks like and he knows full well what people are saying about it