Husband can't pay mortgage & bills

[NoNameNoGame]

My husband has been out of work for 2 months. He is fine to spend money on cigarettes (at least at pack every other day), as well as other small bits like cans of beer and kebabs. As well as taking my car (he lost his company car when he lost his job), out for a drive and a "cruise around town" because he is bored, (so wasting fuel, every mile adds up). However when I asked him if he can transfer his share of the mortgage and bills into the "shared account" at the end of this month, he said he is not sure. AIBU to be really mad?

He was out of work for most of 2018 and the same think happend, I was left paying the whole mortgage and bills as well as everything else. Whilst he was spending what little money he had, (and by that I mean overdraft) on cigarettes, beers and kebabs.

Today he told me I can have the night off cooking and we will get a kebab. I said no I will cook but he said he will get a kebab. I said we should be saving money, and asked if he is able to pay the mortgage and bills at the end of this month. To which he just started shouting at me saying I'm controlling.

Yes! I'm trying to control our finances and am sick of paying for him. I understand that he is stressed about being out of work, but he is not even "trying" to ensure he can contribute to paying the mortgage and bills. We have no savings, as we used them all up when he was out of work the last time.

Well he sounds like an irresponsible arsehole. Assuming you want to continue your marriage to this man you need to sit down and agree a budget. At the beginning of the month you both transfer a set amount into the joint account and the remaining amount is money to each spend as you choose. He can't take your car out and waste fuel though. He also needs to do his share of housework and cooking.

Where would the money come from if there’s no savings and he’s not earning?
What’s he doing to find a job even if it’s any job for now.

You have a child as a husband. So happy to stay out of work for a year and stick head In sand over the mortgage?

You really need to question your future with him as he won't get better. What will happen is you get into a financial mess with you taking over all the finances and allocate him money. I wouldn't want to live like that

Good of him to grant you a night off cooking when you're working outside of the home and he isn't!
I hope you're really grateful OP ( obs not seriously

WTF are you making dinner when he is not working?

@Finfintytint I am able to cover his share of the mortgage and bills and well as other expenses, which then leaves me with nothing. Which is what I will likely be doing.

Have you both sat down and had a conversation about the current situation and the plan going forward? Is your DH in denial about the situation, just sticking his head in the sand?

I don't understand how situations get to this stage where one party is bearing all the financial burden and the other is frivolously spending like a child with no knowledge that bills need to be paid.

You deserve better OP, demand it from him.

I couldn't stay with someone like that.

@Finfintytint he is job searching, but there is not much out there.

Has he applied for universal credit while out of work? Where is money coming from if he isn't working? Did he save whilst working in 2019?

I couldn't live like that with the uncertainty and I know if it happened to either of us we would reign spending in and find any kind of job to tide us over if needed.

@CripsSandwiches he is helping and doing his share of the housework.

I mean his money for his things and his side of bills that you are asking for.

We've a small mortgage for this reason so the other can pay alone if needed for a short amount of time but it seems a regular occurrence and unfair on you?

Sit down with a view to budgeting for all bills, plus has he signed on?

How did he lose his job?

Share of the housework?
Why isn't he doing it all?
When he's working I agree you share it but when someone is unemployed not looking after children they should do it all!!

Ooh that’s frustrating. His financial priority should definitely be the mortgage and bills , not cigarettes and beer!
Where’s the money for all that stuff coming from, anyway? Tell him he can do whatever he wants , as long as he contributes X amount to the shared account for HIS share of living costs .
What a jerk he is btw , I wouldn’t be able to tolerate it.

Helping?!

Why are you indulging this jerk? he's driving your car around when he cant contribute to basic household expenses? Stop this now.. Tell him to either contribute, get a bloody job or get out. FGS stop giving this manchild a free ride. He's never going to be motivated to get a job if you are just picking up all the slack on his behalf. He's treating you like his mother.
If you dont take action now, this will be your role for the rest of your lives together- you constantly bailing him out whilst he acts like a sulky teenager. Personally, I couldn't comprehend a life on that basis.

@ChasingRainbows19 he applied for UC in 2018, they said we were not eligible as I earn "too much", as UC is assessed on the household not the individual.

I assume he didn't save anything in 2019, as he was trying to get out of his his overdraft.

Shouting at you is not on. It’s not controlling if you don’t want to be in mortgage arrears ffs.

Has he ever held down a job?.

His share of the housework? He should be doing it all if he has all day.. AND COOKING! You haven’t mentioned any kids so I am just assuming he isn’t looking after them all day.

When you say there isn’t much out there, is he being fussy what he’s looking for? How did he loose his job? With a patchy CV with big gaps he could struggle

He needs to get any work at the moment. Supermarket, fast food, bar work. Who does he think is going to fund him when he reaches his overdraft limit.

You'd be better off leaving him.

And you're with this man, why?

He's contributing nothing, spending money he hasn't earned, lazy, irresponsible....I could go on, but you live with him.

You're be better off without this drain on your finances and emotions

When my dh was out of work, he spent hours every day to find a job. It took him a few months to land a good one. Getting another job is supposed to be a full time job if you’re not working. If there isn’t much out there, he needs to widen his search and temp in the meantime, even if that’s night shifts in the local supermarket.