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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband can't pay mortgage & bills

111 replies

NoNameNoGame · 18/01/2020 09:54

My husband has been out of work for 2 months. He is fine to spend money on cigarettes (at least at pack every other day), as well as other small bits like cans of beer and kebabs. As well as taking my car (he lost his company car when he lost his job), out for a drive and a "cruise around town" because he is bored, (so wasting fuel, every mile adds up). However when I asked him if he can transfer his share of the mortgage and bills into the "shared account" at the end of this month, he said he is not sure. AIBU to be really mad?

He was out of work for most of 2018 and the same think happend, I was left paying the whole mortgage and bills as well as everything else. Whilst he was spending what little money he had, (and by that I mean overdraft) on cigarettes, beers and kebabs.

Today he told me I can have the night off cooking and we will get a kebab. I said no I will cook but he said he will get a kebab. I said we should be saving money, and asked if he is able to pay the mortgage and bills at the end of this month. To which he just started shouting at me saying I'm controlling.

Yes! I'm trying to control our finances and am sick of paying for him. I understand that he is stressed about being out of work, but he is not even "trying" to ensure he can contribute to paying the mortgage and bills. We have no savings, as we used them all up when he was out of work the last time.

OP posts:
BumbleBeee69 · 18/01/2020 18:17

I'll celebrate for you when he has an actual income OP.. good luck Flowers

Twillow · 18/01/2020 18:19

Ew.

blueshoes · 18/01/2020 18:24

OP, hope he changes but if not, you can do so much better by leaving him and cutting losses.

Another one who says not to have children with him until he has a job and shows he can keep it. Cocklodgers use children as a way to control you into continuing to support their freeloading because you feel responsible for the dc (whilst he hitches a free ride).

Don't get trapped by dc with him. In fact, if you want dcs, you might want to think of leaving him and having them with someone else as your husband has already shown you his true colours and you will be on mn again asking advice on a useless dh and father.

FlamingoAndJohn · 18/01/2020 18:27

Well done.
Check that he is looking for jobs.
Rather than driving about suggest he goes for a walk. Getting outside and moving helps so much.
I’ve been in that fug of being out of work and looking at the same walls can be very depressing but hard to break out of.

Inliverpool1 · 18/01/2020 18:40

Not much out there ? Job wise ? I’ve spent every day since NYE truing yo find enough people to fill the 90 jobs I have sat on my desk and another 17 have been added this week alone. There plenty out there

willothewispa · 18/01/2020 18:41

If this was the other way round people would be saying that the man was controlling and financially abusive as the woman not working was enabling the man to go out and earn a living to support the family.

BumbleBeee69 · 18/01/2020 23:19

If this was the other way round people would be saying that the man was controlling and financially abusive as the woman not working was enabling the man to go out and earn a living to support the family.

I'm yet to see a guy on here complaining His partner, was cruising in his car at all hours wasting fuel.. drinking beer and smoking.. and not doing anything to ease the financial burden ??

Inliverpool1 · 19/01/2020 09:46

Also what family ? I got the impression there’s no kids, no family to support

Original poster
NoNameNoGame · 19/01/2020 09:54

No kids.

OP posts:
CherryPavlova · 19/01/2020 09:59

I don’t know where you live but there is rarely a shortage of caring, retail or cleaning jobs available unless you are very remote. In his circumstances, you take what’s on offer and work up from there. Much easier to get better employment from a job than long term unemployment.

CrotchetyQuaver · 19/01/2020 10:04

Honestly, since I've been through this myself. It made me very ill plus all the financial problems as a result of the long term unemployment periods.

If I was in that situation again with no kids, I wouldn't hesitate to tell him to leave. It's shit, but when they're taking the piss (and your car and using up petrol doing god knows what) it goes into a whole new level.

It's an awful way to live, you just about get yourself straight financially from the last period of unemployment and relax a bit, maybe even think about a little cheap holiday for the summer and then boom, back to square one.

In hindsight I should have divorced him rather than stayed.

fastliving · 19/01/2020 10:06

It all depends if you love him and if you think if you have children you would be happy with him being a stay at home parent and run the home (and do a good job of this) and you are happy to be the full time working parent (assuming you want children).

If the number of periods of unemployment and his attitude to this I would assume this is going to be a life-long pattern.

If you are happy with this, then stay, but I would reduce your mortgage by extending it or downsizing your house because long term you need to be able to afford to have a nicer time while supporting him.

Does he have lots of good qualities that you can't live without? Staying with him is going to involve a lot of sacrifice from you, it's worth thinking about the future while you can still can.

Berrymuch · 19/01/2020 10:07

It doesn't seem like he has an incentive to find a job, does it. I expect there are jobs, but probably a lot of them he sees as beneath him, but as he wouldn't be losing any benefits even a very part time job is better than nothing.

fastliving · 19/01/2020 10:08

Sorry so many typos!

Clymene · 19/01/2020 11:13

You haven't got kids? Oh well that case, divorce. You've married a wastrel. You don't have to stay married to him and support his takeaway and fag habit a minute longer. This isn't going to get better. He's lazy and he doesn't have to work because you're funding him.

You shouldn't have to point out to him that this is unacceptable and it isn't how relationships between equals should work. He's treating you like his mum and that's how you're behaving.

You could replace every time you wrote DH in your posts with my teenage son and it would still scan perfectly well.

HugoSpritz · 19/01/2020 11:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ruby2020 · 19/01/2020 11:22

Oh my god this is exactly the kind of nightmare scenario that makes me want to NEVER get married.

I could not be with such a lazy twat, I'm surprised you've indulged his behaviour for this long! I know it's not easy but get rid, seriously. What endearing qualities does this slob actually possess?

I'd much rather be skint in my own house, in control of my own bills, than carrying someone like that on my shoulders.

PettyContractor · 19/01/2020 11:28

I'm surprised no-one has said there should be equal spending money after all family bills are paid. Which would probably leave enough for his cigarettes, beer and kebabs.

Not that I think that myself.

Berrymuch · 19/01/2020 11:32

But it sounds like there isn't much left at the end of the month to share out.

Clymene · 19/01/2020 11:36

And you should change the title from can't to won't.

Oliversmumsarmy · 19/01/2020 11:48

He has agreed to stop using my car for fun, no takeaways and other treats and will cut down on cigarettes. He is going to use my home office to sit down every morning for a few hours and look for a job. And he says he understands what I am also going through and that I am right

All words.

If he understands what you are going through why did he not do something about it. Why did he leave it till you said something.

I think he will knuckle down to show willing then it will fade away and in time you will be back to where you are today

Oliversmumsarmy · 19/01/2020 11:48

What exactly is he bringing to the table

daisychain01 · 19/01/2020 11:54

If this was the other way round people would be saying that the man was controlling and financially abusive as the woman not working was enabling the man to go out and earn a living to support the family

Why come out with this meaningless and ridiculous trope when it's completely out of context? If one partner is at home and not working because they are instead raising their shared children then that's a completely different circumstance to this one, with (in this case) the man dossing around at home making very little real effort to get his career back on track, and meanwhile having the spare readies to smoke plus bumming his wife's car to burn petrol round town.

If he had been using the car to drive to an interview, or to bring back the weekly shopping, then that's at least something the OP could reconcile.

It can knock confidence to be out of work, but presuming no MH problems, a functioning adult cracks on, gets their CV out there, and at least tries to improve things.

Boredbumhead · 19/01/2020 11:58

Cocklodger....

billy1966 · 19/01/2020 12:14

Oh sounds like he's the type that would want to be a SAHD, while doing absolutely nothing but barely minding a child.

OP working full-time and coming home to the house upside down, no meals cooked, all the arranging to do and him needing a break from it all.

Wasters follow a script OP.

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