Husband can't pay mortgage & bills

[NoNameNoGame]

My husband has been out of work for 2 months. He is fine to spend money on cigarettes (at least at pack every other day), as well as other small bits like cans of beer and kebabs. As well as taking my car (he lost his company car when he lost his job), out for a drive and a "cruise around town" because he is bored, (so wasting fuel, every mile adds up). However when I asked him if he can transfer his share of the mortgage and bills into the "shared account" at the end of this month, he said he is not sure. AIBU to be really mad?

He was out of work for most of 2018 and the same think happend, I was left paying the whole mortgage and bills as well as everything else. Whilst he was spending what little money he had, (and by that I mean overdraft) on cigarettes, beers and kebabs.

Today he told me I can have the night off cooking and we will get a kebab. I said no I will cook but he said he will get a kebab. I said we should be saving money, and asked if he is able to pay the mortgage and bills at the end of this month. To which he just started shouting at me saying I'm controlling.

Yes! I'm trying to control our finances and am sick of paying for him. I understand that he is stressed about being out of work, but he is not even "trying" to ensure he can contribute to paying the mortgage and bills. We have no savings, as we used them all up when he was out of work the last time.

Your're either a team or you're not.

So either:

He does 100% of the housework and you do 100% of earning the money and paying for stuff

or

He does 50% of the housework, but is still responsible for paying 50% of the bills.

He sounds really irresponsible, but it doesn't sound at all like you are working as a team on either side, or communicating properly. He probably assumes you should take on the full financial burden as you're the only earner in the same way as many PPs have assumed that he should take on the full domestic burden as he's not working.

You need to sit together and discuss it and come up with a plan.

TBF, I can't see how he can possibly pay his share of the bills if he has no income and no savings. Not saying that's OK, just wondering where you expect him to get the money from.

Where is he expected to get the money from if he has no incomings though? Can’t get blood from a stone. That said, the take away and shit clearly needs to stop. If he’s going to act like a child and take your car to waste petrol, I’d take him off the insurance until he gets a job again. If he’s going to act like a child, treat him like one.

So you get left with nothing.. But he still gets beer fags etc?
What a delight.

When we've had tough months when dh between jobs.. Alrho only out of work. A week but its the wait till payday, emergency tax etc. He goes without more than me and the kids. Obviously I still Made sure he was OK and had what's needed and if we wanted a treat but he'd never of expected it.

You are married to a waster.

Do not have children with a man who expects you to parent and pay for everything.

You will regret it hugely if you do.

Cut your losses.

I had an ex like this. We didn't stay together long.

He sounds like a cocklodger.

What is his work history like? Can he hold a job down for any length of time? The fact he was unemployed in 2018 for quite a long time and now again suggests that he doesn't have that great a record of working.
Obviously things happen - and it would depend on WHY he lost his job.

I think when you are married you should be prepared to put in more financially if the other person loses their job. It can happen to anyone. But the person who has lost their job should then be putting maximum effort into finding a new job ASAP, even if it means working in another field or taking several steps backwards in terms of pay.
You can't expect him to magic the money out of nowhere when he is isn't earning.
BUT if you've lost your job you should be cutting back on things - especially things like cigarettes, beer, unnecessary car journeys and you should be spending most of your day applying for as many jobs as possible until you get something.

He sounds irresponsible and like an ex of mine. Didn't realize what a cocklodger he was until we moved in together. He had a chequered employment history - had excuses for all of it. He would work for a while, then quit (or be sacked) then lounge around on jobseekers allowance for a while and use up savings. He'd then get a job again at some point and the cycle would begin again.
He lounged around in the flat all day and did SFA - neither job seeking nor household chores - and I was running around working and doing everything at home.
He got the boot...... best thing I ever did.

I think you need to have a long think about what your DH's situation is - is he just taking the piss and not bothering with looking for work as you'll pick up the slack?
In any case you need to have a long discussion with him about him wasting money on beer, kebabs and fags and not contributing to the mortgage. This needs to stop.
I'd not let him use the car either - sorry, if he or other people think that is controlling. No job. No money. No money for petrol. No money for car insurance. No money to repair it should something happen. Therefore no car.
He can get on his bike or a bus. If he needs the car for a job interview that's different - but randomly driving around town? Absolutely not.

Has he looked for taxi driving jobs as he likes driving.

Where is he getting all this money he's spending?

This guy is a cocklodger. He'll never change. He's a workshy, freeloading loser. 'Give you the night off cooking' by buying a takeaway? Get rid of him. Just tell him it's over, you need to divorce and fgs, take away any access to money. He can apply for UC then, wait 5 weeks for money and then find out how many fags, beers, kebabs and beer it will buy and how willing the DWP is to put up with a person who skives out of work.

OP have a sit down and a chat with him, calmly and ask him what his plans are long term for finance. Without telling him what to do, or giving advice. Just ask, what he plans to do. What is his back up plan if he doesn't get a job in the next month or so. How he plans to support himself and you.

This is what I do with my DH, I ask him questions and lots of questions so he can come to his own conclusion that what he is doing isn't working and he himself comes up with a solution.

I think it's very easy here for people to say to just leave him etc.. But the end of the day it's not just easy as that.

"I understand that he is stressed about being out of work"
He doesn't sound stressed to me. Not one bit.

I am able to cover his share of the mortgage and bills and well as other expenses, which then leaves me with nothing. Which is what I will likely be doing.

He knows this.. and will continue to cruise in your car.. waste your fuel.. piss beer money up a wall .. smoke and lay in bed forever.... because you will continue to PAY ... why would he bother even trying to get a job....

It's not as easy as that to get a job and just because there are jobs doesn't mean you will get one. It seems a bit unfair to expect him to pay half the bills if he doesn't work. Where is he meant to get the money from?
When I was out of work I did all the cleaning and cooking but my husband covered the bills. Isn't that what being in a partnership is about?
Of course he shouldn't be spending money on crap but if he's looking for work and contributing to the housework then what more can he do?
Maybe as he has got some money he could transfer x amount to your joint account (not half as that seems unrealistic) and then you'd both have some left over.
It seems harsh to leave him.

He has been unemployed for 2 months and he spent most of 2018 unemployed... As he always been so crap at keeping a job? I'm not massively skilled but the only time I was out of work for an extended period of time was when I went to university as a mature student.

It sounds to me like he had a crap work ethic, has no respect for you and expects you to just pick up the finances whenever it suits him (so why bother trying to hold down the job when you will look after everything?!)

I wouldn't be with my DP if he treated me like that.

Oh OP....I don't know where to begin! Other PP have said it all already.....
But why are you doing virtually everything? Of courses partners support each other when one is out of work - but if he's off work, he should be doing ALL the housework and ALL the cooking, not 'a share of'! And I'm sorry but he shouldn't be spending money on luxuries like petrol, cigarettes, beer and kebabs when he can't even pay the bills!

And then he shouts at you when you point this out? Unreal.

I'm so sorry OP, he really doesn't sound like someone I would want to be around, let alone married to. You deserve so much better.

He’s living a good life, bills paid, car to run around in, wife who works and does all the housework etc
Why would he want to bother growing up and finding a job when there are no repercussions
Stop letting him drive the car,
Turn the heating down in the house, use your phone to do it if necessary. Start cutting down on food luxuries , lock the internet, if he can’t pay he can’t use
Time for him to either man up or sling his hook, this isn’t a marriage , you’re play8 g his mum.
If you aren’t careful he will amass debts that you will jointly be Responsible for.
Time to start the new year as you mean to go on!

Of course he shouldn't be spending money on crap but if he's looking for work and contributing to the housework then what more can he do?

All the housework and cooking; not frittering money he's not earned; not abusing the OP for questioning his behaviour towards her and telling her that a refusal to put up and shut up makes her controlling. For a start.

Give you the night off cooking' by buying a takeaway?

Quite. "I'm going to use your money to buy my favourite junk food to treat you to a break from having to cook for me." What a hero.

cruising round in your car? how old is he?! i don’t know anyone past the age of about 19 who does that!

What kind of work is he looking for? Every news report I hear recently on this topic states that unemployment is at all time low and businesses are struggling to find workers because of the brexit effect on Europeans coming here to work.

Thanks all for your comments and advice. I sat down with him and just told him it is not on at all.

He has agreed to stop using my car for fun, no takeaways and other treats and will cut down on cigarettes. He is going to use my home office to sit down every morning for a few hours and look for a job. And he says he understands what I am also going through and that I am right. Will see how we go, if he slips back then I'm gone...

Well done op. Lets hope things change soon x

Good luck OP.
Do not have children with him.
His laziness will grind you into the ground and leave you a shadow of your former self.
💐

Yay for your update! Good on you for having the chat