Husband can't pay mortgage & bills

[NoNameNoGame]

My husband has been out of work for 2 months. He is fine to spend money on cigarettes (at least at pack every other day), as well as other small bits like cans of beer and kebabs. As well as taking my car (he lost his company car when he lost his job), out for a drive and a "cruise around town" because he is bored, (so wasting fuel, every mile adds up). However when I asked him if he can transfer his share of the mortgage and bills into the "shared account" at the end of this month, he said he is not sure. AIBU to be really mad?

He was out of work for most of 2018 and the same think happend, I was left paying the whole mortgage and bills as well as everything else. Whilst he was spending what little money he had, (and by that I mean overdraft) on cigarettes, beers and kebabs.

Today he told me I can have the night off cooking and we will get a kebab. I said no I will cook but he said he will get a kebab. I said we should be saving money, and asked if he is able to pay the mortgage and bills at the end of this month. To which he just started shouting at me saying I'm controlling.

Yes! I'm trying to control our finances and am sick of paying for him. I understand that he is stressed about being out of work, but he is not even "trying" to ensure he can contribute to paying the mortgage and bills. We have no savings, as we used them all up when he was out of work the last time.

When I didn’t have a job, DH didn’t expect me to pay the bills. I didn’t smoke or drink and drive around all day and did the housework instead.

Has he looked for any job? Cleaning, retail, pot washer, as examples? If he has enough NI contributions, he can apply for new style JSA which is contribution based so your earnings aren’t taken

He’s a cocklodger

I appreciate he may struggle to cover his full share of bills and mortgage while out of work, as I’m sure do you. The frustration is that instead of using what money he does have to keep a roof over your heads, he’s throwing it away on shite. And that this appears to be a habit.

Have you looked at the job market yourself or are you taking his word for it that there’s “not much out there”? Is he taking job hunting seriously?

There is always work out there for someone who is prepared to find it. You just have to be reasonable in what you will accept. Our local supermarkets are always taking on staff for tills or shelf stacking.

It’s not losing his job that’s the issue is it? It’s not trying hard to get another one or being frugal. Spending an overdraft on takeaways and fags is just crazy.

Aside from the kebabs, beer and cigarettes - which he has no money to buy - why is he 'cruising' around in your car?

You're married but that doesn't mean you have to be tethered to somebody who is financially so irresponsible. Is this what you want?

It sounds as bit as if you're minimising his behaviour. Saying that he helps around the house. That's really not the extent to which he should be contributing. Adults bring in money to the home, not this.

It's up to you if you want to put up with this but hopefully this thread will show you that you're not unreasonable to be utterly pissed off with his behaviour and lack of consideration for you, his wife.

At the risk of sounding a cow, there are of course jobs available (having recently been out of work I do understand and I appreciate its different in every city I can’t believe there is nothing he can apply for) but he will have to be willing to accept work in an area he may not have wanted or expected. It’ll also look a lot better on his CV - if asked in an interview why he was out of work for so long, what’s he going to say? if he explains he accepted a job say selling chocolate tea pots, in order to provide for his family, they’d be more impressed rather than sitting around on his bottom it’ll look a lot better.

Get rid.

He's a loser.

I’d have kicked him to the kerb a long time ago. Lack of work ethic and not paying your own way isn’t attractive to me in any shape or form.

he is helping and doing his share of the housework.

If he's not working then he should be doing all the housework. I'm currently not working and I do 100% of house-related tasks. Cleaning, laundry, making beds, feeding/watering/walking pets, cooking, the food shop - everything. We have no DC and I would absolutely not expect DH to come home from work and starting cooking and cleaning.

I have the luxury of going back to bed, of watching TV in the day, of popping out to lunch or seeing friends or going for coffee if I fancy - the least I can do in return is all the domestic tasks so DH has all his free time to do as he pleases.

What is he doing to find work?

He might be depressed!!! Has he seen his GP?

I think cigs are £10 a packet (maybe more?). Get out £150 cash and show him, that this amount, is what he is spending per month and would he set fire to the cash? Because that is exactly what he is doing! I'd be frustrated too in your shoes. Have you suggested a vape, or seeing his GP for counselling/meds to help stop?

You're spending £1700 a year on his fags and being left with nothing for yourself? Really. Focusing on a mile of petrol here and there do grown men really go out to cruise around town?! is where you're going wrong.

If you're working full time and he isn't, then unless he does all the housework he's not doing his share of the housework. (Unless you have young kids and he's primary carer, that is.) If he's not working outside the home, and isn't caring for children, his job is household management. Fair shares splitting of domestic chores only applies when both work, or one has very small kids to care for and the other works. Otherwise, he's taking the piss on that alone.

It's not his being out of work that's the issue, is it. It's his wasting money on cigarettes, cruising petrol and junk food when effectively living off your earnings.

You can have break from cooking? Whilst he isn't working? That's fucking nice of him

He’s taking the piss because you financially covered him in 2018, so he is not motivated to contribute nor thinks he has to.

He also doesn’t sound “stressed about being out of work” at all.

Time to have it out and let him know he has to start contributing to the household expenditure and make an effort to find work now, no exceptions.

He should be doing all things household during the week, including cooking, while you're at work and so neither of you have to do much of that at the weekends.

Cigarettes, booze, joy rides ... no way. He can get on a bike or go for a walk if he's bored. not where the money should be going.

Hmm this is the kind of thing that breaks marriages. I wouldn't be able to remain married to a man that neither works nor is a SAHP and can't pay the bills. The stress of it would be too much, do you have kids? If not, count your blessings that you haven't been trapped and leave. You'll be fincancially better off and happier.

What a fucking loser he sounds.
Nothing worse than a man who has zero ambition to support his family/spouse IMO.
The kebabs & cigarettes would make me loose my shit in this situation.

How on earth are you tolerating him in the house ?

Why do people put up with this? There might not be many jobs that he deems worthy of him, but I bet there are plenty of jobs he could do, especially as he won't be losing money from benefits in a low paid job rendering it not worthwhile. What is his incentive to want to get out and find work if he is facilitated in being lazy? Unless there's more to it and he needs support as he is struggling, in which case that's different, but he owes it to you to be honest about that.

He needs to sign on at an agency or a few agencies for temp work..weekly paid and immediate starts til he finds something...keeping any amount of money coming in is what needs to be done....

Make sure you hide the car keys when you are not using the car! If he ask to use it say not as you only have enough petrol to get to work and can’t afford any more.

What is he doing all day?

What jobs did he hold down in 2019, what kind of work is he looking for?

If he isnt working and you are working FT, then his share of the housework should be close to 100%, not 50%.
You doing the cooking every evening is NOT him doing his share....

What are you going to do?

Is he even trying to get another job?