Husband can't pay mortgage & bills

[NoNameNoGame]

My husband has been out of work for 2 months. He is fine to spend money on cigarettes (at least at pack every other day), as well as other small bits like cans of beer and kebabs. As well as taking my car (he lost his company car when he lost his job), out for a drive and a "cruise around town" because he is bored, (so wasting fuel, every mile adds up). However when I asked him if he can transfer his share of the mortgage and bills into the "shared account" at the end of this month, he said he is not sure. AIBU to be really mad?

He was out of work for most of 2018 and the same think happend, I was left paying the whole mortgage and bills as well as everything else. Whilst he was spending what little money he had, (and by that I mean overdraft) on cigarettes, beers and kebabs.

Today he told me I can have the night off cooking and we will get a kebab. I said no I will cook but he said he will get a kebab. I said we should be saving money, and asked if he is able to pay the mortgage and bills at the end of this month. To which he just started shouting at me saying I'm controlling.

Yes! I'm trying to control our finances and am sick of paying for him. I understand that he is stressed about being out of work, but he is not even "trying" to ensure he can contribute to paying the mortgage and bills. We have no savings, as we used them all up when he was out of work the last time.

If this was the other way round people would be saying that the man was controlling and financially abusive as the woman not working was enabling the man to go out and earn a living to support the family

Men don’t need a partner home to enable them to work likewise nor do women.

Regardless of gender, leaving all of the earning and financial responsibilities to one person is selfish imo and not what I would put up with in a relationship nor expect a partner to accept.

I’d give him a deadline OP otherwise it may be words just being said.

A deadline to get a job? Have you tried to get a job recently? Just because the jobs are there doesn't mean he will be lucky enough to get one.

If this was the other way round people would be saying that the man was controlling and financially abusive as the woman not working was enabling the man to go out and earn a living to support the family

You’re dreaming if you think that’s true, she’d be called a gold digger.

Some quite harsh opinions on this thread without all the information.

It does strike me that there's quite a bit of 'me and him' and little talk of a team with joint problems and responsibilities.

well i must be a cock lodger then. i have severe long term MH issues but still worked full time until 6 months ago when my department merged with another and i was booted out without redundancy as was there only 14 months. i have 2 primary school age kids, still a bit to young to be locking the house up travelling to school themselves.

i've applied for jobs daily, had maybe 3/4 interviews and have signed up with agencies but no job. ive called in every so often to ask the agencies why they dont seem to be putting me forward and they say the jobs have been taken or i wasn't a close enough match or the shift started at 7.30 am and they assumed that would exclude me from being viable.

i get no benefits, dh does 50% of the housework and cooking and i still get to go out for lunch with friends, use my 52 plate bashed up car (he has his own) spend money on non essentials like make up, bits to wear from h&m, roots done etc. I spend £100 pcm on those sorts of things. Its called living, not just existing to me. we're a partnership.

how long can you afford to support him for? how much is he frittering each month in addition to the cigarettes? £200 or £500? Do you want him to wear a sack cloth and beat himself?

Do you think he enjoys you taking up all the slack?

Does he have depression or some sort of anxiety condition that hasn't been diagnosed?

If there are jobs, are these suitable?

What sort of jobs is he going for?

I got knocked back for temporary shop work over the Xmas - i was gutted! Applied for several different stores and heard nothing.

well i must be a cock lodger then. i have severe long term MH issues but still worked full time until 6 months ago when my department merged with another and i was booted out without redundancy as was there only 14 months. i have 2 primary school age kids, still a bit to young to be locking the house up travelling to school themselves.

With respect @onwheels that's not the same situation. You have mental health issues and small children at home, and presumably do the domestic tasks too. Nothing wrong at all with not working in your condition.

I also am currently out of work due to my mental health. I've taken on 100% of the domestic side of things, all the pet care/dog-walking and all the cooking, cleaning and shopping. DH earns enough to support us and would rather I took some time out to get myself better before rushing into another job. I am applying for work but like you say, there's not much around.

I don't think there's anything wrong with what you're doing, but there is something wrong with a healthy grown up with no dependents spending his days just loafing around and doing sod-all, while he still expects his wife to pay for him.

Why does he keep losing jobs? If he takes his jobs as seriously as he takes his responsibilities around the house that could be the answer...

If you want to work there is work. No excuse. I’d rather do anything than not work and I have. Professional job

There isn't just work out there. I spent two years applying for every job going. Two years to get a job so it's not as simple as if you want work then there's work.

Why do you want to be with him? What a waste of space.

It doesn't sound as if he's got any money to get a kebab, or to contribute towards the bills.
If he's expecting you to cook after you've been working all day, it doesn't sound as if he is pulling his weight.
Personally I'd be taking my car to work with me, and paying my wages into my account, thus retaining control over the money coming in to ensure that the mortgage will be paid. Because if he hasn't got any money, how is he going to contribute?