To have confronted a mother smacking her child in public

[Roux95]

I was with OH in a clothes shop this afternoon looking for some bits. It was an extreme rarity for us to be child free so we were enjoying having a wander round without the double buggy!

When looking at some clothes I could hear a hysterical child having a tantrum, a hissing (parent i assume) and the sound of smacking. I looked around the racks I was browsing and sure enough a woman was knelt down at child height, hissing at the toddler to behave, smacked the child on the chest area and then went to smack the child's face but shot her hand down when she clocked that I was watching.

I was angered by what I saw and raised my voice at her to stop hitting the child, i told her we don't do that crap here (she was european - this is possibly not relevant but I know some cultures parent differently) and that her behaviour was disgusting and she should be ashamed and how would she like it if somebody her own size hit her.

This must have shocked the child as they stopped crying and the mother(?) sheepishly put the child into the pram rushed off.

OH was visibly embarrassed at being part of this confrontation but I think I was justified personally. In hindsight I think I could have said all of the above without raising my voice but my maternal instinct kicked in and I was furious for the child.

Was I being unreasonable for interesting? What would you have done?

YWNBU to call the mother out. YWBU to mention the woman’s nationality, borderline racist. One step away from saying go back to your own country imo.

Children are also very damaged all through their life by casual racism. It affects their job prospects for example. Being unimpressed by casual racism doesn’t mean you think physical abuse is ok - but the racism can’t go by ignored.

The OP said 'we don't do that here'. She didn't say anything about the woman's race she merely noted here she was European. It's very likely if this is the UK that OP is possibly European too!

There are lots of cultures that do have different approaches to parenting and discipline.

Well, you lost a lot of moral high ground by indulging yourself in casual racism whilst you berated the woman, but keep patting yourself on the back, love

I'm sure this woman will now never, ever hit her child again. In public. You may just have made things worse in private, though.

If you read this story and are angrier about the OP's words to the mother than you are about the mother's abuse, you really need to examine your values.

Not really, racism is a very serious issue that is broadly accepted to be unacceptable, where as smacking for discipline, though I personally wouldn't do it, is a contentious issue with people arguing for both sides (especially when the child is behaving dangerously). Also, this thread was about whether what OP did was right, not the other woman.

someonesayroadtrip

"Your actual comments were inappropriate in my opinion though. You judged someone based on their nationality to start with." She judged the woman to be hotting her child -fact.

She speculated (it appears internally, not vocalised) that this may be because she was from Europe. Not a nation so not a nationality.

"...then you made false claims, you stated that "we don't do that here", when we do, it's not as socially accepted in the UK, but people hit their children and worse everyday."

Yes, people do hit their chikdren presumably, and some times worse and their children are sometimes removed from them. But where I am from it is not socially or culturally acceptable to hit children. I cannot remember the last time I saw a child hit in public.

So I think it is fair to say that we don't publically discipline children by hitting them and I don't know I've ever seen a child hit on the chest. So the OP was accurate and brave.

You did the right thing. Intervening so an adult stops hitting a child, good.

Inthe hope ing post i can see no the racial words spoken. Did she add some?

Best not to ignore violence if we see it.

Smacking is not an issue where you can just say whether you think it is ok or not, it is governed by laws.

Noticing in your head which continent someone is from is not a crime!

She said it out loud, not in her head and if the op is british then she is also european so its a ridiculous comment to make along with culturally racist.

The OP came on here with this scenario to get her xenophobic opinions validated. And it appears she has.

Leaving all the talk about racism aside, while I don't blame you, OP, my one concern is that the mum will beat the kid up at home for making her look bad in public. Some abusive parents do do that.

@Avelinebread How is protecting a child who may be in danger virtue signalling? Is it better to do nothing?

Just a correction (and no, I don’t smack my children). But it isn’t illegal so long as it doesn’t leave a mark.

So many people who condone child abuse on this thread. Oh dear

@oncemorewithfeeling99 That was the mindset of my ex when he used to slap me and spit in my face. Didnt leave a mark therefore it was fine...

In the same kind of circumstance I confronted as kindly as I could, befriended this mum and found out that they were in severe poverty and terrible housing. We had a cup of tea at my house (eventually after speaking for around an hour) and later I was able to get a referral to a local food bank and confirm with housing that her current housing situation was not acceptable and that they would be eligible for support.
She didn’t want to hit her child. She was at the end of her tether with a hungry child and despairing. She herself was being violently assaulted on a regular basis. I don’t excuse smacking but I do think shouting at someone in the street is unlikely to improve the situation. I still see this lady. She loves her child and they are doing so much better now. We need to do better than loudly disapproving.

for clarity-I understand "smacking" to be a (light\not even stingy)hand/slap to top of thigh/bottom.anything\anywher else is assauly.chest?\face?....couldni give a toss who you are or whatchu think..its criminal.

Ew, look at all these comments patting themselves on the back because they too would intervene. Well done I guess, the child getting a worse beating later on is probably thanking you for it in between slaps. I honestly don’t think calling the parent out in public helps these kids at all. It doesn’t help women being beat it just makes them get a worse beating once home so why would that be different for kids?

@cheesespreading that's why I don't intervene. You don't know what's going on behind the scenes and I worry that if a kid is getting beaten up in public, what do their parents do to them in private?

Also I don't see why we are excusing racism because op was acting in the heat of the moment. If I was being mugged by a Pakistani would I be justified in shouting the P word at them as I was stressed and not thinking straight? No it means you have underlying racist thoughts and should sort that shit out
She didn't use a racist slur though. She made a cultural assumption, which was negative - because the action she saw being carried out was negative. She was wrong to make this assumption, but to give the OP some credit, the assumption was being made due to the abuse she was witnessing in front of her.
Well done I guess, the child getting a worse beating later on is probably thanking you for it in between slaps. I honestly don’t think calling the parent out in public helps these kids at all. It doesn’t help women being beat it just makes them get a worse beating once home so why would that be different for kids?
Rubbish. I was beat up as a child at home. If anyone had intervened on the street, it would have helped confirm my feelings that what was happening to me was not OK. As an adult woman too, when a partner kicked me in public and another man challenged him, I felt great relief, in this same way. You don't speak for me.

@Cheesespreading Yes let’s shift the blame onto op for intervening and not the women hitting her child... riiiiiight

In the same kind of circumstance I confronted as kindly as I could, befriended this mum and found out that they were in severe poverty and terrible housing. We had a cup of tea at my house (eventually after speaking for around an hour) and later I was able to get a referral to a local food bank and confirm with housing that her current housing situation was not acceptable and that they would be eligible for support.
This may have worked in your circumstance, but if someone has a abusive personality disorder, that will not work. You have to play it by ear and go with your intuition as to how to help best.

Cheese so would you literally never interve, no matter how brutally the child was being abused, because you assume it will always make things worse for the child at home?

I'm not saying that's never going to be the case. But I've seen enough posts here from victims of childhood abuse who are grateful to the one person who stood up for them rather than turning a blind eye.

Sometimes, ignoring it makes things worse, because the abuser takes away the message that what they're doing is socially acceptable. So they escalate.

UpfieldHatesWomen I was also beat, I knew it was wrong. People calling it out or giving my mum dirty looks in the street didn’t help. She just smacked us more and made a point of not being told how to parent etc. I guess my experience clouds my judgement but I honestly don’t think it helps these kids to shout at their parents in public. Humiliation doesn’t work for everyone and instead of getting the parent to think you’ve more than likely just made things worse. Just like when I tried to tell my mum about the sexual abuse from her husband, he seen that I tried to tell her and so the abuse ramped up.

JesusInTheCabbageVan it depends really. If the child is being dragged about or vested repeatedly and with extreme force I’m going to intervene and hold the child until the police arrive. A slap or two? No I’m not going to intervene because it could be worse and that isn’t enough to call the police on.