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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not allow dc to travel alone with DH to his country?

132 replies

BellaBicycle · 17/01/2020 18:29

Our marriage is over, we are planning our separation and divorce. DH is from an EU country and wants to take all 3 dc there during half term to see his elderly family. DC have citizenships of that country. Given how things are I have said no, I am uncomfortable with it, but his family can travel here to see them, he says they are too old and infirm. He had wanted to take them for a while. I just feel I can’t risk it, don’t trust him, and especially as he got them the citizenships last year. He told me I am crazy and there’s actually something wrong with me mentally for refusing, and I shouldn’t be unreasonable when he has sick parents.
AIBU?

OP posts:
Mollychristmas · 17/01/2020 22:24

Honestly I think it’s best he takes it to court. It means he has to play by the rules they set too! If they allow him to take them they will also put rules in place about when he must bring them back.

toomanyleggings · 17/01/2020 22:25

You need to get something in writing in HIS country that ensures they will be returned to you. Any court orders in this country will not stand up once they're in another country. You need to hire a solicitor over there and get an agreement drawn up

TheCanterburyWhales · 17/01/2020 22:28

That's not true toomanyleggings.

Spinakker · 17/01/2020 22:30

No, don't let them go. If the grandparents desperately wanted to see the kids they could fly over here.

TheCanterburyWhales · 17/01/2020 22:35

For goodness sake, stop telling the OP to refuse to let them go. Without a legal ruling in place if she does that, SHE will be the one accused (quite rightly) of keeping the children from their right to have a relationship with their father (and vice versa)
She can't just say no. That's not how the law works.
Pps are right in saying it's probably for the best if it does go to court.

Pingue · 17/01/2020 22:36

if we had been living elsewhere in Europe, like his country and I announced then that I wanted a divorce he would’ve kept dc there
He’s already told you that he’d hold DC hostage in his country if he had the opportunity. Believe him.

MrsP2015 · 17/01/2020 22:39

Not read everything but I would no way let him take them.

If the court ruled he could, then I'd go with them (if that's possible). Could even be he stays and you all come home.

You say he's unbearable which I don't doubt. You have massive strength to be where you are now. If it were me and the court allowed them to go I'd insist on also going- even if every day was unbearable this could help you keep your kids.

Notthebloodygym · 17/01/2020 22:39

These are your actual children. Don't take the risk.

oblada · 17/01/2020 22:43

Ffs the DP has never said anything about keeping the kids hostage!! Stop being so centered around the UK.
OP - yes best a judge decide. I'm sure a judge will see through see and decide if there is a risk to the kids rather than relying on assumptions and prejudices which is what ppl here are doing.

Pingue · 17/01/2020 22:51

Yes he has. He told OP if they were in his country when she asked for a divorce he’d have kept the kids there.

oblada · 17/01/2020 22:53

Im assuming he meant that if they were living/settled in his country at the time he would have wanted to keep them there. Which is what the OP is doing, in the UK!! Which is what most of us would do! If the kids' life had been in his country why exactly would she have the right to uproot them to the UK? The UK isn't superior to any other country, not with that attitude in it.

MimiLaRue · 17/01/2020 22:55

The UK isn't superior to any other country, not with that attitude in it

Why do you keep bringing up the UK? the UK is where the childrens HOME is. Its not like the OP said in her OP that UK was inherently better than anywhere else- you seem to be projecting quite a lot here.

oblada · 17/01/2020 22:59

I'm saying it because everyone keeps accusing the DP of threatening to keep the kids hostages when all he has said (it seems) is that had they all been living in his country (or another country in Europe) at the time and decided to separate he would have wanted to keep the kids there. Which is a sensible (if hypothetical) position and yet many seem completely baffled by the concept...

MimiLaRue · 17/01/2020 23:00

OP also said he was abusive and controlling so he so its hardly odd she should feel concerned is it?

reluctantbrit · 17/01/2020 23:00

If he is the father than most likely the children do have Automat the citizenship of the father and with Brexit coming it is beneficiary that they have the paperwork in place for the future.

Brexti shouldn’t change any treaties regarding children as they are not EU related.

oblada · 17/01/2020 23:02

Mini - not the point I was addressing. I don't know if he was abusive so my thoughts would be to let the Court decide on the risks of abduction or generally re contact.

But the prejudice on this thread is pretty obvious tbh.

MimiLaRue · 17/01/2020 23:05

It’s not prejudiced for a woman with an abusive ex to be concerned about him taking her kids to another country. She also said she has concerns about alcohol. Good grief.

MimiLaRue · 17/01/2020 23:06

I agree the courts should decide. Let OP tell them everything and they can make the decision.

GreytExpectations · 17/01/2020 23:16

Mumsnet being sexist as usual I see. If this were reversed, the responses would be so different. But God forbid a man want his children (yes, they are also his children, not just the Ops) to visit his elderly family! I think it's awful the OP suggested elderly and ill relatives travel internationally because she is being controlling. I'm sick and tired of mumsnetters acting as if mothers are the only parent of children. I doubt anyone would accuse a woman of kidnapping her kids if she wanted to take them abroad

GreytExpectations · 17/01/2020 23:33

It’s not prejudiced for a woman with an abusive ex to be concerned about him taking her kids to another country

We don't know the father is abusive. We know the OP dripfed that he was emotionally abusive but that isn't proof. A judge should decide, if there is abuse it will come out

Original poster
BellaBicycle · 17/01/2020 23:44

He is abusive.
Example, he refuses to take me to hospital in an emergency, shouts and swears when I need to go, will eventually take me, driving at high speed the whole way, continuing to verbally abuse, then acts like nothing happened when others are present, and will later tell me I imagined it.
Numerous patterns of this same cycle.
Tells me I should have sex with him even if I don't want to.
Calls me the c word, and no not in response to me swearing.
Silent treatment.
I could go on and on

OP posts:
Original poster
BellaBicycle · 17/01/2020 23:44

@GreytExpectations

OP posts:
IM0GEN · 17/01/2020 23:46

Well abusive men don’t make good fathers.

The fact that the children don’t speak his language shows that he’s a very uninvolved father.

Third issue is that he will expose his children to a lot of very drunk adults.

So we do know that a good father.

IM0GEN · 17/01/2020 23:53

And @BellaBicycle, don’t worry about GreyTExpectations, she’s always like that.

Original poster
BellaBicycle · 17/01/2020 23:56

@IM0GEN
Thank you for your support

OP posts: