Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not allow dc to travel alone with DH to his country?

132 replies

BellaBicycle · 17/01/2020 18:29

Our marriage is over, we are planning our separation and divorce. DH is from an EU country and wants to take all 3 dc there during half term to see his elderly family. DC have citizenships of that country. Given how things are I have said no, I am uncomfortable with it, but his family can travel here to see them, he says they are too old and infirm. He had wanted to take them for a while. I just feel I can’t risk it, don’t trust him, and especially as he got them the citizenships last year. He told me I am crazy and there’s actually something wrong with me mentally for refusing, and I shouldn’t be unreasonable when he has sick parents.
AIBU?

OP posts:
Skysblue · 17/01/2020 19:33

I clicked Yabu before reading whole thread, I take it back. I was going to say go with him but given what you say about him wanting to leave britain and getting them citizenship, it just feels too risky. If kids mysteriously disappear over there while your back is turned it would be very hard to get them back. You’d be in the legal right but that wouldn’t help much in practice, byt the time kids have been located it would have become their home and a court might be unwilling to compel another move.

I wouldn’t take the risk. Say no. If he asks, admit you don’t trust him.

Original poster
BellaBicycle · 17/01/2020 19:37

@Skysblue

Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
BellaBicycle · 17/01/2020 19:38

@howrudeforme

Thank you I’ll look them up now

OP posts:
drivingtofrance · 17/01/2020 19:54

I wouldn't let him take them.

I don't know if you can actually stop him - but it all sounds a little risky to me.

Do the children speak their DF's language?

Original poster
BellaBicycle · 17/01/2020 20:28

No they don’t speak his language.
He’s had legal advice and has been told if I don’t give him permission he will have to apply to court for permission.

OP posts:
Reginabambina · 17/01/2020 20:34

If it’s an EU country you’ll be able to have them returned home. But it’s pretty obvious what he wants to do so I wouldn’t open yourself up to that stress.

managedmis · 17/01/2020 20:38

Don't go.

managedmis · 17/01/2020 20:42

If it’s an EU country you’ll be able to have them returned home.

^^

Yes: but easier said than done if something does go wrong.

oblada · 17/01/2020 20:59

Let the judge decide then. If he's a decent bloke I'm sure he'll get permission. If there is evidence of violence/abuse etc then it will be denied.

oblada · 17/01/2020 21:02

Tbh if the kids don't speak the language and given their ages I don't think kidnapping is that likely (but of course you know him best). Given its still within the EU (assuming signatory to La Hague etc too) I'd be surprised if the judge didn't grant permission.

What's horrifying in this thread is the undercurrent of xenophobia to be honest. We know nothing of the bloke except he's a man, they're separating, they have kids, he wants to return to his home country. We can't assess the risk of kidnapping based on that surely!

namechange1041 · 17/01/2020 21:36

Another one saying trust your gut OP.
No way in a million years would I allow it and I would pray that the court wouldn't allow it either.
I have been in a situation where my DS father held him from me (not in another country) but it was not nice and I can bet my life it will never happen again! The absolute CF.
I wish you all the best OP honestly it's not a nice situation. Trust your instincts! Flowers

LadyBrienne · 17/01/2020 21:40

given he said this "he has said that if we had been living elsewhere in Europe, like his country and I announced then that I wanted a divorce he would’ve kept dc there. And told me I’d have had to find a job and make a life there." AND they don't speak the language AND their young age - a big fat emphatic NO

lisag1969 · 17/01/2020 21:53

Don't let him take him. He may not bring him back
You are100% right
Don't let him talk you around. X

lisag1969 · 17/01/2020 21:55

He should have taken him when you were together.
Please don't let him take him. X

oblada · 17/01/2020 21:58

What is wrong with one partner saying that if the kids are settled in his/her home country and the other partner decided to leave, they would want the kids to stay there? That's what we would all do!!

karencantobe · 17/01/2020 22:00

Because you cannot unilaterally decide to move country with your kids. You need permission from the other parent.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 17/01/2020 22:01

oblada
And that is all the OP is doing.

oblada · 17/01/2020 22:01

?? That's not what I was referring to.

toomanyleggings · 17/01/2020 22:03

No. My father is from an EU country, my mum took me over there for a holiday ( she wanted to live in Britain), he took me to a distant relatives house and refused to return me until my mother had given up her passport. The police wouldn't help and took the side of my father as he was a citizen and she wasn't. She got no help and was stuck there months. You will have a struggle on your hands if he gets your dc to his own country

oblada · 17/01/2020 22:04

Sorry should have made clear I was responding to karencantone who I assumed responded to me :)

Afrigginggoat · 17/01/2020 22:07

Don't let them go, don't go yourself and make sure all of his behaviour is logged.

lollybee1 · 17/01/2020 22:07

How would you feel if he stopped you taking them to see your family. There is your answer.

toomanyleggings · 17/01/2020 22:10

@lollybee1 easy to say when it's not your kids

Original poster
BellaBicycle · 17/01/2020 22:16

@lollybee1

My family are in Britain
And if he did stop me going overseas I’d accept that he’s allowed to do that, and would use the courts to get permission.

OP posts:
TheCanterburyWhales · 17/01/2020 22:17

Once you go to court (which you will have to to try and stop him) the judge is quite likely to rule that he does have the right to see his children. If he then refuses to come to the UK to visit then you'll have to find a way (maybe by taking them yourself) to allow him to see them.
Rightly or wrongly it's very rare that a parent gets to say to the other one that they can't see their kids.
You should maybe ask the same question in Legal rather than Aibu. The answer however will remain. No, you can't stop him. The courts can.