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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not allow dc to travel alone with DH to his country?

132 replies

BellaBicycle · 17/01/2020 18:29

Our marriage is over, we are planning our separation and divorce. DH is from an EU country and wants to take all 3 dc there during half term to see his elderly family. DC have citizenships of that country. Given how things are I have said no, I am uncomfortable with it, but his family can travel here to see them, he says they are too old and infirm. He had wanted to take them for a while. I just feel I can’t risk it, don’t trust him, and especially as he got them the citizenships last year. He told me I am crazy and there’s actually something wrong with me mentally for refusing, and I shouldn’t be unreasonable when he has sick parents.
AIBU?

OP posts:
user7522689 · 17/01/2020 18:48

He told me I am crazy and there’s actually something wrong with me mentally for refusing

I was still weighing up whether you were being over cautious until this, it nope. People who call you crazy for saying no to them generally aren't trustworthy.

he has said that if we had been living elsewhere in Europe, like his country and I announced then that I wanted a divorce he would’ve kept dc there

I don't know why you didn't say this in your op. It would have saved what I expect will be pages of people telling you it's unfair to suggest he'd kidnap them when he's already told you he's happily keep them as hostages to hurt you.

I think you would be reckless to let them go in the circumstances.

user7522689 · 17/01/2020 18:50

No, he must never be allowed to travel to his home country with any of his children.

I think this is an entirely fair position to adopt about any man who has previously expressed a desire to keep his children hostage in that country if the opportunity arose.

Original poster
BellaBicycle · 17/01/2020 18:50

@thedancingbear
So sorry you are going through that, how awful.
Mine is also been abusive and controlling through the marriage, mainly EA, and verbal.
And tells me no other man will ever want me because I’m a crazy mess, which I am not, I have lots of friends, he has none, and is reclusive.

OP posts:
oblada · 17/01/2020 18:51

How has he expressed a wish to keep anyone hostage? He's expressed the valid point that if they'd been settled in his home country he would have wanted them to remain there!! Fair enough! I'd do the bloody same!

MimiLaRue · 17/01/2020 18:51

NO, if you aren't comfortable with it then you aren't comfortable with it. End of.

Youre their mum, you can say no.

Original poster
BellaBicycle · 17/01/2020 18:53

@user7522689
Yes sorry I should’ve included that in my op. I tried to find a way to edit after posting but it wouldn’t let me.

OP posts:
Mintjulia · 17/01/2020 18:55

If all his family are heavy drinkers there’s a safeguarding issue regardless of which country they are in.
Can you get a residency order?

brushybrushy · 17/01/2020 18:58

I couldn't agree to it. The risk is too large.

karencantobe · 17/01/2020 18:59

@thedancingbear Because the issue is not taking the kids abroad, it is whether he will bring them back. Not comparable at all.

helpfulperson · 17/01/2020 18:59

'you're their mum, you can say no' - that is not true on so many levels.

Your best bet would be to be proactive and take them to see their other relatives. If you plan the trip then you are in control of it.

MimiLaRue · 17/01/2020 19:00

that is not true on so many levels

Yes it is. If there are safeguarding issues and he is threatening to take them hostage of course she can bloody say no

MissEliza · 17/01/2020 19:03

From what you're saying Op, I wouldn't let them travel.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 17/01/2020 19:06

So what is his ongoing connection to this country?

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 17/01/2020 19:09

helpfulperson

The DC have dual nationality that means if something goes wrong on the trip eg he takes their passports away the British Embassy can’t step in, it is a matter of local law.

Original poster
BellaBicycle · 17/01/2020 19:10

@helpfulperson

Yes it is true, a friend had legal advice to that effect. But it is also true that the father can refuse the mother in the same way.

OP posts:
Ballygowenwater · 17/01/2020 19:10

Jesus. I’m from an EU country and if my ex told me I couldn’t travel home with my daughter because we had separated I’d lose my shit. Yes risk assess it but if we are likening him suggesting that he would keep them in his country had you been living there originally to ‘keeping them hostage’ then surely the same applies in reverse.

The above is all assuming that despite your differences he is a loving and present father.

MimiLaRue · 17/01/2020 19:11

The above is all assuming that despite your differences he is a loving and present father

OP says he is abusive and controlling so its not really a fair comparison

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 17/01/2020 19:12

I wouldnt in your position after what hes said

My ex moved to his birth country (republic of ireland) 8 months ago, ive told him he can take them over for a visit once he pays for their (english) passports but but hes never threatened to keep them.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 17/01/2020 19:12

Is the country a contracting party to The Hague convention?
www.hcch.net/en/instruments/conventions/specialised-sections/child-abduction

Smidge001 · 17/01/2020 19:15

I don't understand the logic here:

^he has said that if we had been living elsewhere in Europe, like his country and I announced then that I wanted a divorce he would’ve kept dc there

I don't know why you didn't say this in your op. It would have saved what I expect will be pages of people telling you it's unfair to suggest he'd kidnap them when he's already told you he's happily keep them as hostages to hurt you^

Isn't this exactly what you're doing though, just in reverse? You're getting a divorce and holding his kids hostage in your country!

carly2803 · 17/01/2020 19:21

no - i absolutely would not let him travel with the kids

too risky.

Original poster
BellaBicycle · 17/01/2020 19:23

@Smidge001

We have lived here as a couple for 18 years
Dc all their life
Never lived in his country
Though he applied for a job there as our relationship deteriorated and got a 2 year contract I refused to go. So he turned it down. If I’d gone dc would not have been living there for 2 years, whereas the UK is their permanent home.

OP posts:
ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 17/01/2020 19:23

The difference is that this the DC’s home, they have their life here.

Original poster
BellaBicycle · 17/01/2020 19:28

Also I don’t speak the language
Could not work
Would have no income
And would not be able to afford legal fees to fight a case, or even accommodation, so he’d be in a much better position to be able to argue in court that he should keep the children.
I’ve read horror stories of mums stuck abroad sofa surfing not wanting to leave their children, no access to help with legal fees, because they are not a citizen, impossible situation!

OP posts:
howrudeforme · 17/01/2020 19:32

@BellaBicycle

Contact www.reunite.org/.

I called them in desperation when my abusive then h was threatening to take ds (then 13 months old) to his country but I wasn’t invited. This went on for a few years and like you, was told I could just go to his country and find a job if I wanted to see DS..

This organisation was brilliant - we’re talking 11 years ago.

It will help you get with it and hopefully put your mind at rest (a bit, at least).

Pm me if you want further details.

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