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Original poster

Is this reasonable or is it intentional

144 replies

tripleback · 17/01/2020 10:47

My girlfriend is having a dental procedure done today.it involves a general anaesthetic but is not serious as a procedure.
I have a long standing engagement that is not extremely important.It involves meeting old friends from my last place of work in a different city , one of whom I had a relationship with many years ago. I was really looking forward to this but my girlfriend was not too happy that my ex was going to be there too.
My girlfriend andI are together twelve months.We are very happy, do not live together,but are very involved in each other's lives.
She has poor relationships with her family and one one close friend. She is very close to her sister only.
She insisted that I collect her and be her next of kin.I have agreed to this but think that she could have asked her sister who lives nearby and would be available to collect her. I have cancelled my meet up and am disappointed. Is it unreasonable of her or me or even intentional ?

OP posts:
Nofunkingworriesmate · 17/01/2020 13:28

You are just not that into her
If caring for her is a dull experience for you I question if you are really in love with her

Mummyoflittledragon · 17/01/2020 13:28

My dh has met up with a group including his ex on more then one occasion. Not everyone is not ok with this. However her behaviour sounds like a test. Idk if she’s possessive or if you’re too casual. In any case you need to let her go.

MRex · 17/01/2020 13:29

In this situation I'd have rescheduled the appointment or got my sister to collect me, and I'd expect DH to do the same if I had important plans, so I think she's being a little selfish, but it depends on how nervous she is. I do find jealousy over an ex pathetic when there's no good reason for it, which would annoy me much more than anything to do with the appointments. All that said, you don't seem particularly caring, if you don't love someone after a year then is there really any point in staying together? I also think you aren't behaving well having a grumpy strop about it (even if you think you've hidden it just on here), the adult thing to do would have been to have an open conversation with her.

Infinityandbeyondthestars · 17/01/2020 13:30

regardless of the procedure etc. The main problem is she clearly wants a lot more from you than you are willing to give.

You need to seriously consider whether you want to have a future with her, because if not it would be kinder to end things now. This will only get worse, as the longer you date (whether you consider the beginning to be casual, i suspect she does not) she will want a form of commitment soon i would assume from what you said.

NearlyGranny · 17/01/2020 13:31

Well, you are a prize! I hope you are soon free to continue your extended adolescence in all the ways you enjoy most, free of the pesky presence of a real live adult woman (with nearly all her own teeth) who mistakenly thought the two you were in a relationship.

ShoesandmoreShoes · 17/01/2020 13:33

tripleback Fri 17-Jan-20 12:56:05 she has been intense from the start. I like her a lot but have struggled to find a balance to keep it at a healthy pace. It feels That I can never do enough never be available enough. There is always a new demand or expectation. I find it suffocating at times.

Time to end the relationship OP.

MollyButton · 17/01/2020 13:35

Well in my area if you have any kind of general anaesthetic or strong sedation, they insist that you have someone with you for the next 24hrs.
This didn't used to be the case, but is now. This is because people can had adverse reactions to the aesthetics and also it can take time for any "complications" to show up. Maybe this is the advice she has been given.

On the other hand she does seem to be quite demanding (the aches and pains etc.).
So maybe after this weekend you need to cool it for a bit, and demand time on your own, and to see friends etc. Because some of what you have said does sound like possible "red flags".

Mlou32 · 17/01/2020 13:36

Doesn't sound the most healthy/stable/supportive of relationships.

CousinKrispy · 17/01/2020 13:36

You don't sound compatible and you should be honest with her that you don't see the relationship as a very serious one yet. Break up and let her find someone who is more caring.

I can't judge as to whether she's being controlling about you seeing friends, or whether she's been putting you in the role of carer rather than partner (both of those things would be bad, of course). There's not enough context to judge that.

But after 12 months I would be massively disappointed if my partner didn't care about me enough to pick me up and keep an eye on me after I'd had GA and an unpleasant dental procedure. I've felt terrible and barfed loads whenever I've been recovering from GA, it's not necessarily a minor thing even if she's putting a brave face on it now.

Inherdefence · 17/01/2020 13:37

You and her obviously want different things from one another and this relationship. This being the case I wonder why you are persisting with it? You would be better off with someone you find less intense and suffocating and she could find someone able to give her the closeness and support she wants.

billy1966 · 17/01/2020 13:38

Cripes OP, I think the replies are very harsh.

You have a long standing engagement.

She has a sister who can collect her.

I wouldn't have dreamed of imposing on a boyfriend when I had a sister around the corner.

Does anything that comes up in her life trump yours?

If she was very stuck then yes, it would be nice to step in and do this.

Has she scheduled this at her convenience?
Could she have left it until the following week?

I get we are all different, but I certainly would never dream of asking someone to cancel a long standing plan when I had another viable option.

She might be testing you.

Conversely, you could view this as a test for her....and she's failed it.

Being considerate of other people and their plans is important in a relationship.

You think she has pulled a stunt so that you won't see your ex....it sounds like it to me that she has too.

OvenGlovesWillTearUsApart · 17/01/2020 13:41

I wasted quite a few years of my life on guys like you.

Let me guess, when she finally sees sense and dumps you, you’ll be heartbroken, am I right?

Nofunkingworriesmate · 17/01/2020 13:46

She wants more
You don’t care
This is not how you feel about a woman you love, it really isn’t
After casual dating my ( now wife) for year I know I would have volunteered to take care of them , I wouldn’t have to even be asked and we were “ casual” as in no “I love you s” for first 6 months not living together for 4 years! Only saw each other a bit at the weekend , but the caring was there from the start snd definitely after a year !

eminencegrise · 17/01/2020 13:47

I am the first to agree that FAR FAR too many people very quickly or immediately refer to anyone they date as a partner.

But you seem so fixated on this 'next of kin' thing. FFS. I've taken a friend for GA procedures several time, she's a widow who lost her only child before he ever had children and all her family is dead bar a brother in Australia. You are NEVER asked to 'sign off' on anything or told you are 'next of kin', WTF? You sit in the waiting room, when they're released to go home you go and get the car. I spend the weekend at her flat or a couple of nights and then go on my merry way.

You two are incompatible because the very fact that you felt compelled to mention your need to see this ex says a lot about how you see this relationship.

You want to keep your options open.

Life is not an evening melodrama.

You need to finish with this woman. You are at different stages in life and want different things. You're still wanting all this 'casual' stuff and she wants a relationship.

Tubbytwo · 17/01/2020 13:50

You sound pretty uncaring. I wouldn’t hesitate to be there for my husband since he’s way more important to me than any ex could ever be. It’s a YABU from me.

eminencegrise · 17/01/2020 13:52

I wasted quite a few years of my life on guys like you.

I had a couple of guys like this. 'Casual' is code for not exclusive, sleeping around, you're basically a booty call if I find something more appealing. Basically a person who wants to keep it 'casual' sees you as low hanging fruit but doesn't want to be honest that what they really want is for you to be on call for company and a shag if something better doesn't come up. It's a fuck buddy you also go out with.

Redruby25 · 17/01/2020 13:54

tripleback General Anaesthetic does require you to be looked after, once said procedure is over. Just as a side note, they no longer do this in dental practices, and if they do it would only be in the presence of a anaesthetist. Local Anaesthetic is given as an injection in the mouth, which numbs the area.

If you don't feel happy doing as you gf has asked, then don't do it, simple!
I would be mad if I was having a procedure done and my partner said he had friends to meet!
Does she also know what pace things are going at, as girls/women often get more in to things than guys initially, I have found. Maybe once this is over with, you need to have a chat with your gf.

Magicpaintbrush · 17/01/2020 13:55

I don't mean this in a horrible way (genuinely) but you sound somewhat clueless. If I had a hospital procedure involving G.A and my boyfriend left me to it and buggered off to the pub for drinks with his ex then I would think he a) didn't give a shit about me and b) was a selfish, heartless nobhead. There are ways you should and shouldn't treat people, particularly the person you are involved with, and to be honest if all of this isn't obvious without you having to ask then I think you have some growing up to do. And from what you've said I don't honestly think you care that much about your GF and she would be better off with somebody more mature.

LordOfTheWhys · 17/01/2020 13:57

She's only asking you to be next of kin whilst she is under the anaesthetic. It's not a proposal Hmm
But you don't sound as though you're on the same page so it's probably best to end the relationship.

AcrossthePond55 · 17/01/2020 14:08

Neither of you is right or wrong. You're just in different places in this relationship. I think it's time for a serious talk about expectations and the future. You need to state clearly that you don't see yourself as her partner. You are her boyfriend. There IS a difference. And you don't need to offer more than you are ready to. If she is not able to accept this, then she needs to move on. Just be sure that you haven't been raising her expectations with words and/or gestures that imply you feel more than you do.

A friend is going through this in reverse. Her boyfriend considers himself as her partner, expects her to behave as such and gets pissy when she doesn't. She considers herself his girlfriend. They have fun and are 'exclusive' but she does not feel that she should be 'responsible' for him. In the circumstances you describe he'd expect her to act as 'next of kin', she would call on one of her adult children to do so.

She's made her position clear and he's applying pressure emotional blackmail. He's about to lose her.

Damntheman · 17/01/2020 14:09

You don't sound like you're very into her at all for a man a whole year into a relationship. It's okay to feel the way you feel, but you should have a long and serious think about whether this woman is the one for you long term. I don't think you two sound very compatible at all!

MyCatHatesEverybody · 17/01/2020 14:11

Your GF might be the overly demanding suffocating type but the way you keep referring to the length of your relationship as "only" a year would suggest to me she's likely to have reasonable expectations of the relationship which you're not willing to commit to - as is your right but you need to tell her this clearly. Btw "only" a year is fine IMO in context of you being pressurised to buy a house or have kids but not for supporting your GF if she wants you there post-GA.

Leave her to find someone who can love and cherish her.

Thedeadwood · 17/01/2020 14:15

You're obviously not in the same places as each other in the relationship and to be honest you don't sound very compatible or even as if you like her very much. Do both of you a favour and end this relationship.

midwest · 17/01/2020 14:16

Honestly you don't sound remotely like you love your girlfriend.
Which is okay but you owe it to her to be straight about it.
It sounds like she would be better off finding someone who is serious about her.

diddl · 17/01/2020 14:18

" but not for supporting your GF if she wants you there post-GA."

We can't always have what we want!

She could have picked a day when Op didn't have plans.

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