Is this reasonable or is it intentional

[tripleback]

My girlfriend is having a dental procedure done today.it involves a general anaesthetic but is not serious as a procedure.
I have a long standing engagement that is not extremely important.It involves meeting old friends from my last place of work in a different city , one of whom I had a relationship with many years ago. I was really looking forward to this but my girlfriend was not too happy that my ex was going to be there too.
My girlfriend andI are together twelve months.We are very happy, do not live together,but are very involved in each other's lives.
She has poor relationships with her family and one one close friend. She is very close to her sister only.
She insisted that I collect her and be her next of kin.I have agreed to this but think that she could have asked her sister who lives nearby and would be available to collect her. I have cancelled my meet up and am disappointed. Is it unreasonable of her or me or even intentional ?

I think this has made you realise that she has different expectations?

I would rather have been with my boyfriend than sister, but would also not have wanted to cancel them meeting up with friends that they wanted to see & don't see very often.

Perhaps some compromise such as they didn't get totally wasted & could see/look after me the next day?

She thinks your relationship is more than casual and you do not. Your resentment at having to 'mind her' oozes from every word you wrote. Poor woman. Hope she soon realises that you are not worth investing her time in.

She’s being completely reasonable. You’re her partner fgs

You seem immature and not deeply committed to her.

She has been intense from the start.
I like her a lot but have struggled to find a balance to keep it at a healthy pace. It feels
That I can never do enough never be available enough. There is always a new demand or expectation. I find it suffocating at times.

Gosh.
You should want to be there for her, but no. Your meet up with friends is more important to you at this stage.

You don’t sound like you’re remotely invested or interested in her or your relationship.

Why don’t you just end it?

I can’t even imagine not wanting to be there for a friend in this scenario never mind a girlfriend of a year.

she chose the date

She told me that I must be the one to sign her off

So basically she chose the date and is insisting you look after her to prevent you from meeting your friends, right? If this is the case yanbu to be massively pissed off and not want to be controlled.

Anything would sound intense to you in this relationship.

You just want her to be there when you feel fit?
What’s the point in that? It’s a joint effort to be in a relationship and if you can’t be bothered already you never will be bothered.

How is living separate with different lives/ interests and friends too intense for goodness sake?

What worries me is your use of 'healthy pace'. It suggests that you consider only your own pace to be healthy and everything else not. In reality - every pace is healthy as it is entirely individual. The problems arise when a couple is not on the same pace. You really need to talk to her and tell her you see her as a casual get-together rather than a proper relationship and leave her to decide if this suits her or she wants out.

If normal relationship expectations are suffocating you shouldn't be in a relationship.

Its not her its you

I like her a lot but have struggled to find a balance to keep it at a healthy pace. It feels
That I can never do enough never be available enough. There is always a new demand or expectation. I find it suffocating at times.

Your and her expectations of the relationship are not compatible.
I think you're not really committed to her. You should know after a year whether she really is the one for you and whether you want it to be more serious. You don't seem to want this so it is better to end it now rather than messing her around any longer while you hedge your bets waiting to see if something better comes along.

After 1 year, I'd expect the person I was in a relationship with to drop things without being asked if I was going to have a general anaesthetic. You don't care enough about her - sorry to be so blunt. If you did care you'd be concerned about the treatment she is going to have - every GA carries a risk even if the procedure itself is relatively "minor". Instead you're claiming she organized the procedure deliberately so you couldn't meet up with your ex and other friends.

@bookmum08 I had day surgery a few years ago under GA at an NHS hospital, and as long as you had another responsible adult to collect you then stay with you for 24 hours they didn't care who they were.

You did have to put down the name and phone numbers of the person who was going to collect you on the pre-op forms. They would be rung before you went in to confirm they would come and were expected to turn up within an hour of you coming out.

One guy in a cubicle next to me was arguing to have sedation rather than a GA, but he was told regardless if he didn't have someone to come and collect him then stay with him for 24 hours the procedure was not going ahead. His responsible adult was a female friend.

I just don't think you're that into her. You live separately with separate lives. She's booked in for a general anaesthetic and would like the person that she feels close to and comfortable with to be there for her. It sounds like she's had to put in some effort to get you to agree to this and you're pissed that you wanted to go out for a jolly. You've admitted she doesn't have many friends or family. I'm very close to my family and I would still want DH to be here for me.
You say she's not nervous or bothered about the procedure, she may well feel differently on the day and would appreciate you there to comfort her. I had a much more serious operation recently and was cool as a cucumber in the lead up but right before they began I was bricking it and was so so grateful to have the support of the person I love. You seem to be in very different places. Cut her loose, don't keep her hanging on for much longer, it's unkind.

for a dental appointment with GA I would want someone to be there to drive me home after and make sure I was ok. If anyone had prior plans I would try to find someone who didn't before asking anyone to cancel them.

If she has someone else available she should have asked them first.

Being next of kin isn’t really a massive deal in this instance. She’s having a wisdom tooth removed so in all likelihood she’ll walk out fine. You do need to be collected after having GA or even sedation during any procedure no matter how minor, she can’t make her own way home and it’s recommended you stay with someone for 24 hours.

I don’t think you’re that into her. She’s asked for you to be there and you’ve cancelled your plans extremely reluctantly. Why not dump her and go spend the weekend with your ex like you’d prefer to. You haven’t been together for a week, a year is a fairly long time.

I’m sorry but having a general anaesthetic IS a serious procedure. To say you’re late twenties and not near long term commitment makes you sound immature. Any decent partner wouldn’t have to be asked.

I think if after a year of dating, whether it be casual or not, if you don’t know whether you love her, then you’re not that into her. If you aren’t mad about her before kids in the honeymoon phase then how are you going to help and care when she’s vulnerable, breastfeeding, recovering from childbirth, needing your help, when there’s laundry to do and sick kids crying and things are tense ? If you can’t handle the wisdom tooth operation and you’re fumbling over whether you love her then cut her loose. Her lack of family should make you want to protect her and be there for her, not leave you wondering why she’s so needy.

It sounds like you want out. You are clearly going to resent her for ' making' you miss your day out with your ex. It may be better to be honest with her, and yourself about where this is going.

You don’t say anything complimentary about her and every post you write screams you want to keep her at arms length.

You honestly sound as though you are quite afraid of commitment (which is fine), but you need to be honest with her. I know many couples that have moved in together after somewhere between 6months and a year together, your idea of a “healthy pace” may be right for you, but that doesn’t make it the pace others work to.

I honestly think you need to reassess your relationship, it doesn’t sound as though it’s one you want to be in.

What I think you should do is show her this thread and let her decide whether she wants to continue to be with you.

Men. Sigh.

She probably is asking you to do it because she wasn't comfortable with you going for a reunion with your ex. I mean would you be happy for her to go and have a day out with her ex?

Have you said how old you both are, OP? If you're both early 20s, then fair enough: if you're both in your 30s then I think you need to have a think about whether you're happy and can give your GF what she wants. BTW, when I had my wisdom tooth out I had to go to the hospital and only got local. When I had the other out, my dentist pretty much knelt on my chest and levered the thing out with a chisel (or dentist equivalent of a chisel). That was for my top two, though - I think the bottom two can be the tricky ones. I do think she's trying to stop you going to your reunion, though: is she usually insecure, or is it only with exes? My exBF was insecure (paranoid/psychotic) about ANY man.

I had the same procedure and got to choose when I had it done. I booked it straight after my first consultation. This was NHS. So it’s possible she did pick the date.

Your different expectations are going to become more and more apparent as time goes on. I don’t think you have much choice but to consider ending it. She’s always going to be one (or 10) steps ahead of you. The next thing will be wanting to move in, get engaged, married, then children.

Hmmmm. I too would think it strange to be asked next of kin when you don't even live together.

I'm afraid too that she wants to stop you going out.

She sounds like she is on a different page of the relationship than you are. She seems to be wanting to fast track you to a different level than what you currently want.

Rather than either of you being wrong or right it would seem to me that you are at different stages, wanting/expecting different things from each other.

I'd call time on the relationship. She needs to find the person who is ready to provide what she wants. You need to find the person you are ready to do these things for.

If this were the right person for you and all was well in the relationship you would not be questioning her motives.

It sounds like you are very checked out of this relationship and see it far less serious than she does. You need to be honest with her that you don’t see this as a serious relationship and it would be more appropriate for her sister to be next of kin in this circumstance.